Oozing Testosterone.....

I recently had my manliness called into question by a man wearing an apron. Trust me, it's never a good thing to be called out by a man wearing an article of women's clothing.

We were at Home Depot. You all know Home Depot. It's the store that you go to in order to spend large sums of money on home repair, after you have been convinced by a guy in a apron that you could easily replace all the plumbing in your home, in a matter of hours and at a fraction of the cost, if you just had the right tools.

You can't.

Then, you get to pay a contractor to come in and clean up your mess AND do the job right. If you're lucky, as I often am, you'll get a contracter with a sense of humor who will look at your "work," smile, and say "Went to Home Deopot, huh?"

Everybody loves a funny contractor.

Anyway, we had to go to Home Depot because our back fence needed to be repaired. Our dogs are constantly doing battle with the dogs behind us, through the fence. It's a kind of North Korean/South Korean border skirmish that on rare occasion can lead to bloodshed.

On a recent battle the border fence was damaged. A couple of the slats (I learned at Home Depot that they were called slats. I had foolishly called them "pieces of wood," before) had come loose, and needed to be fixed.

So, with all the naive confidence of someone who had no clue what they were doing, I announced:

"I can fix it! Let's go to Home Depot."

I had spent several minutes staring at the pieces of wood (slats), before I came to the expert conclusion that they needed to be re-attached to the other pieces of wood (I never learned what they were called.) So, I assumed that I would go to Home Depot, buy some nails, maybe stand around and talk about home repair with "the guys" while I held my nails, and be on my way.

That's what guys do, right?

When we got to "The Depot," as I was now calling it, we found the nail/screw section.

That's right. Section.

There is an entire section of nails and screws. I thought I would walk up, grab a little thingy (technical term) of nails, and be on my way. No such luck.

So, my wife and I found a large, mean looking guy, in an apron, and asked him.

Me: "I need to fix my back fence, and I need to find some nails."

Apron Guy: "What kind of fence?"

Me: "Wood."

Apron Guy: "What's wrong with it?"

Me: "The wood pieces came out, and I need to put them back."

Apron Guy: "The slats?"

Me: "Uh, okay."

Apron Guy: "Are they in the ground?"

Me: "No. They're leaning against a tree."

Apron Guy: "No. Were they in the ground BEFORE they broke?"

Me: "Uhhhh...."

My Wife: "No. They were attached to the crossbeam."

Me: "Yeah, they were attached to the cross...thingy."

Apron Guy: "What kind of wood?"

Me: "Uh...Sort of....grayish, brown."

Apron Guy: "Huh?"

My Wife: "Number one, two face."

Me: "Yeah....The two face kind.....That one."

Apron Guy: "And you want nails?"

Me: "Yes."

My Wife: "Actually, I was thinking that a wood screw would be better."

Apron Guy: "It would."

Me: "Wouldn't it be easier to just pound a big nail in?"

Apron Guy: "Maybe you should be carrying the purse."

Me: "Shut up."

So, right there, in the middle of "The Depot," in front of everyone, a guy in an apron called me out. Shocking!!!!

I would have walked out, right then, buy my wife was giving advice to some guy about replacing his gutters. She made me hold her Vera Bradly purse, with the big flowers all over it. It didn't even go with my shoes. Very embarrassing.

It made me question myself.

Was I NOT a man!?!!

Desperate times call for desperate measures. So, I made a list to prove that I was, in fact, a man.

THINGS THAT MAKE CASEY A MAN:

- I have a penis. (I decided to start with the obvious.)

- I collect Mickey Mouse watches.

- While I talk like a muppet, it is the HEAD muppet (Kermit.)

- I drive a minivan.

- I have seen Duran Duran in concert.

- I have a Kermit the Frog antennae ball ON my minivan.

- I like to bake cookies.

- I wear a Kermit the Frog hat much of the time.

- I don't use bar soap. I use a gel, which I apply with a "squishy."

- I like vanilla toothpaste.

There. Check AND mate.

If you can't feel the testosterone oozing out of your computer, after reading that, than you have no idea what it is to be a REAL man........LIKE ME.

If you are one of those apron-wearing, girlie-men, you can just keep your opinions to yourself.

If you don't, I swear to God I will hit you with my wife's purse..........I'm only holding it because she's killing a spider for me.