It's time for the VERY FIRST edition of........................................
MR. ANSWER GUY.....
The following are ACTUAL letters........
Sent in by ACTUAL people.......
Written on ACTUAL computers........
Delivered via ACTUAL email.........
And answered ACTUALLY by me.....................
MR. ANSWER GUY....
Let's begin......
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
I'm 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. Lately, every time my best friend comes over, he tries to get us to kiss. I've known my friend longer than I've known him and I think that would be gross. Why do guys think that's such a turn on?
Sheri P. - Ocean City
Sheri,
I have no idea. It doesn't do much for me. I'm not saying that I would look away. But, honestly, it would be just my luck to be trapped in a room with two beautiful women, and they would want to make out with EACH OTHER and not ME. So, next time you are with your boyfriend and one of HIS friends, ask them to make out. See how it makes him feel. If he does it, you'll know you have a REAL problem on your hands.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
Is Ray Rossi really as nice as he comes off?
Carol - East Brunswick
Carol,
No. Ray Rossi is an evil man. Every day he brings a bag of newborn kittens into the studio, and beats them to within an inch of their lives. I know he sounds very nice. Truthfully, though, I fear him and am never comfortable being alone in a room with him, without any witnesses.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our anniversary was on New Year's Eve which we always spent alone together. This New Year's Eve, he calls me at work and says, "I have a change in plans, I'm going out with my friends to the club." My response was quite an angry and pissed-off one, to say the least. To make a long story short - I felt like this was the a complete slap in the face, and proof that he didn't value me or our relationship. I came home from work, to find him there, with his "best friend" who he had planned to go out with. I threw them both out of my house, and ended the relationship that very day. I guess my question is - did I overreact or did I do the right thing?
Thanks much
Brian - Somewhere New Jersey
Brian,
For starters, you are gay. YOU more than anyone should have known what scum men really are. You did the right thing. Be happy. Now, if you could just get over that whole "I like to sleep with guys" thing, I think you might be in pretty good shape.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
How do you like working with Ray?
David O. - Atlantic City
David,
It would be much more pleasant if he wore clothes during the show. It can be very disturbing.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
How can I get my wife to let it go? She has held a grudge over something I did MANY years ago, and she will NOT let it go! How can I get some peace in my life?
Len M. - Somewhere in New Jersey
Len,
Good question. Luckily, Mr. Answer Guy really understands women. What you need is to do something FAR WORSE than whatever it was you did all those years ago. That way, she will forget about the thing in the past, and have something brand new to be angry at you for. Then, do something EVEN WORSE than the last bad thing. Progressively, she will keep moving forward, and forgetting the last "worst" thing you did, and focus on the new "worst" thing. Eventually, she will stab you in the throat with an ice pick, while you sleep, and you will finally have the "peace" that you so desperately seek.
(Note: Mr. Answer Guy has had exactly ONE successful relationship in his life. So, take his relationship advice with a grain of salt.)
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
I love Ray!!!
Danielle M. - Marlboro
Danielle,
Uhhhhhhh.....That's not a question.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
Why do you suck so much?
Rob - Cherry Hill
Rob,
It is a conscious effort. It may seem, to your untrained ear, like I just suck. In fact, I have an ulterior motive. I'm TRYING to suck as bad as I can. By doing this I'm hoping to create a vortex of suck, so powerful that it will affect the time/space continuum. By doing this I should be able to travel back in time, hopefully to last Tuesday, and pay my PSE&G bill on time....After that, I'll try to suck less.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
What is the greatest song ever?
Mike - Bucks County, PA.
Mike,
"Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress" By The Hollies.
And, no. This is not open for debate.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
Is your name really Casey?
Michelle - Somewhere in New Jersey
Michelle,
If I was going to change my name, don't you think I would have given myself something that sounded a little more manly?
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
What should I magor in in college?
Denise - Somewhere in New Jersey
Denise,
How about spelling?
Major is spelled with a "J," sweetheart.
Dear Mr. Answer Guy,
Do you like working with Ray?
Carolyn - Edison
Carolyn,
No. He's mean. During the commercial breaks, he calls orphans and promises to take them to Disney World. Then he hangs up, real fast, and laughs. I swear there is something wrong with the man.
There ya' go!!!!!
All the world's questions answered, and all your problems solved by..........
MR. ANSWER GUY....
I need to go rest, now. Making the world a better place is tiring.
If you have any questions you would like answered, please forward them to mranswerguy@gmail.com
Together we will save the world........AND learn everything there is to know about Ray Rossi!!!!
Friday, February 29, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
It's All Fun And Games 'Til The Stormtroopers Shoot You In The Face!!!!
It’s All Fun And Games ’Til The Stormtroopers Shoot You In The Face!!!!
Ever since I spoke, on the talk show, about eye surgery, and how I would never do it, I have received multiple offers from what I'm sure are reputable eye doctors, to shoot lasers at my eyes.
I have respectfully declined them all.
You see, when I think of lasers, I think of the "Star Wars" movies. I imagine the eye doctor coming in, dressed like a storm trooper, and aiming one of those laser guns at my face.
ZAP!!!!!!
"There," he would say. "As soon as your head grows back, you'll be able to see!!"
Who got this idea, in the first place? Who decided that zapping human eyes with space guns would be a good idea?
Then, what moron agreed to let himself be shot in the face with a laser?
Guy 1: "Earl, you been wearin' them glasses for a long time."
Guy 2: "Yep."
Guy 1: "Whaddya say you let me zap you in the face, with this here laser, and see if it makes you see better?"
Guy 2: "Sounds okay to me."
ZAP!!!!
Then, magically, he could see?
That sounds kind of risky. I hope it was a little more clinical than that. I hope that they, at least, tested it on prisoners first.
I know that some people will tell me that they had it done, and that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Sure, they can't make tears anymore. But, crying is for sissies. Plus, I've always thought that being able to see, at night, was overrated. I mean, if God had intended us to see at night he wouldn't have made it so dark, right?
These people are like cult members. These "SEE-ERS," if you will.
"Do it."
"It's great."
"I'm sexy, now."
"Just make sure they don't blow your face off, with the laser gun."
Personally, I think that the laser penetrates their eyes, and gets into their brains. They are then reprogrammed to think that shooting lasers at your face is a GOOD idea, and are driven by an unknown force to convert as many other people as they can. Sort of like the people who voted for Ron Paul, only less crazy.
Are my glasses SO hideous?
My wife likes them......True, it may be because they hide part of my face. But, we've been married for 11 years, and I've learned not to ask those kinds of questions.
I also like being able to see at night. Granted, I don't go out at night, because nobody loves me and I don't have any friends. But, still, if I did go out I would like to be able to see.
Finally, and I don't care what you think, but I like a good cry every now and then........Just look at my previous blog about the Air Supply songs on my ipod............DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!
Casey
Ever since I spoke, on the talk show, about eye surgery, and how I would never do it, I have received multiple offers from what I'm sure are reputable eye doctors, to shoot lasers at my eyes.
I have respectfully declined them all.
You see, when I think of lasers, I think of the "Star Wars" movies. I imagine the eye doctor coming in, dressed like a storm trooper, and aiming one of those laser guns at my face.
ZAP!!!!!!
"There," he would say. "As soon as your head grows back, you'll be able to see!!"
Who got this idea, in the first place? Who decided that zapping human eyes with space guns would be a good idea?
Then, what moron agreed to let himself be shot in the face with a laser?
Guy 1: "Earl, you been wearin' them glasses for a long time."
Guy 2: "Yep."
Guy 1: "Whaddya say you let me zap you in the face, with this here laser, and see if it makes you see better?"
Guy 2: "Sounds okay to me."
ZAP!!!!
Then, magically, he could see?
That sounds kind of risky. I hope it was a little more clinical than that. I hope that they, at least, tested it on prisoners first.
I know that some people will tell me that they had it done, and that it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Sure, they can't make tears anymore. But, crying is for sissies. Plus, I've always thought that being able to see, at night, was overrated. I mean, if God had intended us to see at night he wouldn't have made it so dark, right?
These people are like cult members. These "SEE-ERS," if you will.
"Do it."
"It's great."
"I'm sexy, now."
"Just make sure they don't blow your face off, with the laser gun."
Personally, I think that the laser penetrates their eyes, and gets into their brains. They are then reprogrammed to think that shooting lasers at your face is a GOOD idea, and are driven by an unknown force to convert as many other people as they can. Sort of like the people who voted for Ron Paul, only less crazy.
Are my glasses SO hideous?
My wife likes them......True, it may be because they hide part of my face. But, we've been married for 11 years, and I've learned not to ask those kinds of questions.
I also like being able to see at night. Granted, I don't go out at night, because nobody loves me and I don't have any friends. But, still, if I did go out I would like to be able to see.
Finally, and I don't care what you think, but I like a good cry every now and then........Just look at my previous blog about the Air Supply songs on my ipod............DON'T JUDGE ME!!!!
Casey
Monday, February 25, 2008
Penny
Back in the beginning of 1996 my then girlfriend, now wife, and I had been living together for a couple of months. All was going good, and we decided to get a cat. I had never really been a cat person. I, sort of, viewed them as disposable pets. All the cats I had ever had, had hung around for a while and left. But, Brooke was a cat person.....Not like the movie.....She just really likes cats.
Anyway, we went to our local PetSmart, and went over to the place where they keep the rescue kitties. I was immediately drawn to this mean looking little cat, with a half black/half orange face, who wouldn't look at anybody, and seemed generally annoyed to be there. Brooke fell in love with a little, gray, tabby cat. I was trying to sway her toward the mean kitty. But, she was hell bent on this tabby she was looking at.
I reached into the cage, to try and get the mean cat, and it just glared at me like I was some kind of idiot.
Stupid cat! I said. I'm trying to get you a home, and you aren't helping!!
Just then, Brooke let out a yell. Her tabby cat had given her a pretty good scratch on her arm. She no longer felt any love for the tabby. In fact, given the opportunity, she may have turned it into a rug. But, I doubt it. Like I said, she's a cat person.
Now was my chance. I reached in, pulled out the mean cat, and showed it to Brooke. She was fine with it. She was bleeding, and just wanted to go home and put a couple of band-aids on her hand. So, I was able to get the mean cat. I named her Penny, after Pepe Le Pu's girlfriend.
She had been a ferral cat, which was why she didn't like anyone. Plus, she had had kittens, which is why no one wanted her.
When we got her home, she hid in the closet, and would not come out. Not even to eat.
Stupid cat! I would say. Fine. Stay in there and starve. See if I care.
She eventually came out.
At first, I was the only one she liked. Actually, "like" probably isn't the right word. Penny didn't "like" anyone. She just had different levels of tolerance for different people. I guess she just had a high level of tolerance for me.
In the days before EVERYTHING was on the internet, I had to read about 15 different papers a day. It took a long time, and I would get that black crap all over my hands.
Penny would come and sit on my lap, and make it almost impossible for me to do my work. Honestly, I think she did it on purpose. Just to annoy me.
Stupid cat! I would tell her. You aren't making this easy on me.
Anytime we did anything that Penny didn't like, she would just glare at us. You could actually see her take a deep breath, and look at us. If she could talk, she would have said, "What the hell did you two morons do, now?"
We moved, to 6 different states, and she glared at us.
We brought in other cats, and dogs, and she glared at us.
We had a baby, and she glared at us.
When we decided to start fostering Greyhounds, we had to "cat-test" them, to see if they were safe with cats. We needed a cat who wouldn't run, or make a big fuss about the dogs. So, we volunteered Penny. She was thrilled.....
We would put her down in front of a dog. If it lunged at her, it failed. If it didn't do anything, it was safe. When the dogs would lunge at her, she would just sit there, and glare at them.
Stupid cat! I would tell her. If one of these dogs ever got you, you would have a major problem.
She would glare at me, and walk away. "Moron," you could almost hear her say.
Last year, in the dead of Winter, we lost her. There had been some freezing rain, one night, and she never came home. My wife and daughter were upset. So, at 10 o'clock at night, I bundled myself up, and wandered around the neighborhood in the still damp weather. In my high-pitched, muppet voice I walked all over yelling, "Penny!! Kitty, kitty, kitty."
I did that for close to an hour, and nearly froze my ears off.
Nothing.
The next day, I pulled into my garage, got out of my car, and Penny came running around the corner.
Stupid cat!! I said. You could have froze to death.
Saturday morning I got up, and shoveled the last of the snow off my driveway. It was a beautiful, sunny day. Even though the snow would have melted off, girl scouts were going to be decending on my house, to pick up their cookies from my wife, and I wanted to make sure the snow was gone before they got there. It was a great morning. I only get to see my wife and daughter on the weekends. I was talking to my wife, while she got the cookies ready and I shoveled the snow. It was nice.
My daughter went to play at a friends house, and my wife and I got cleaned up. We noticed that Penny wasn't right. She was 15 or 16, now. We were never sure which. She had kidney issues, and renal failure. We thought we had a few more months.
We didn't.
After going back and forth, we made the tough decision. She was suffering, and we knew it. We'd had her for 12 years. Longer than our daughter. It was tough. But, it was right. Penny was done.
My wife and I went to the vet. The doctor came in, and assured us that we were doing the right thing. She gave us a few minutes. Then, my wife went out to the car. It's something that they don't tell you about in the husband/daddy handbook. One of many things. You stay until the end. Period. And, yes. It does, in fact, suck. But, you do it so that no one else has to.
They gave Penny a sedative. She relaxed, and I rubbed her under her chin, which she loved. She purred. That made me happy, because she had been so uncomfortable, that she hadn't been able to purr. They came back in, and gave her another shot. She purred for a few more seconds. Then, nothing. She was gone.
They said they were sorry.
I nodded.
They told me that we did the right thing.
I nodded, again.
No one said anything else.
I went outside. The sky was a perfect blue. The sun was shining. I just stood there, for a minute.
My wife was in the car, upset.
I thought about the little blonde girl that I was going to have to face, later. It's something else they don't talk about in the handbook. And, yeah. That part sucked, too. I would have rather given blood, again.
I took a deep breath, and walked to my car with an empty cat carrier.
Stupid cat................
Back in the beginning of 1996 my then girlfriend, now wife, and I had been living together for a couple of months. All was going good, and we decided to get a cat. I had never really been a cat person. I, sort of, viewed them as disposable pets. All the cats I had ever had, had hung around for a while and left. But, Brooke was a cat person.....Not like the movie.....She just really likes cats.
Anyway, we went to our local PetSmart, and went over to the place where they keep the rescue kitties. I was immediately drawn to this mean looking little cat, with a half black/half orange face, who wouldn't look at anybody, and seemed generally annoyed to be there. Brooke fell in love with a little, gray, tabby cat. I was trying to sway her toward the mean kitty. But, she was hell bent on this tabby she was looking at.
I reached into the cage, to try and get the mean cat, and it just glared at me like I was some kind of idiot.
Stupid cat! I said. I'm trying to get you a home, and you aren't helping!!
Just then, Brooke let out a yell. Her tabby cat had given her a pretty good scratch on her arm. She no longer felt any love for the tabby. In fact, given the opportunity, she may have turned it into a rug. But, I doubt it. Like I said, she's a cat person.
Now was my chance. I reached in, pulled out the mean cat, and showed it to Brooke. She was fine with it. She was bleeding, and just wanted to go home and put a couple of band-aids on her hand. So, I was able to get the mean cat. I named her Penny, after Pepe Le Pu's girlfriend.
She had been a ferral cat, which was why she didn't like anyone. Plus, she had had kittens, which is why no one wanted her.
When we got her home, she hid in the closet, and would not come out. Not even to eat.
Stupid cat! I would say. Fine. Stay in there and starve. See if I care.
She eventually came out.
At first, I was the only one she liked. Actually, "like" probably isn't the right word. Penny didn't "like" anyone. She just had different levels of tolerance for different people. I guess she just had a high level of tolerance for me.
In the days before EVERYTHING was on the internet, I had to read about 15 different papers a day. It took a long time, and I would get that black crap all over my hands.
Penny would come and sit on my lap, and make it almost impossible for me to do my work. Honestly, I think she did it on purpose. Just to annoy me.
Stupid cat! I would tell her. You aren't making this easy on me.
Anytime we did anything that Penny didn't like, she would just glare at us. You could actually see her take a deep breath, and look at us. If she could talk, she would have said, "What the hell did you two morons do, now?"
We moved, to 6 different states, and she glared at us.
We brought in other cats, and dogs, and she glared at us.
We had a baby, and she glared at us.
When we decided to start fostering Greyhounds, we had to "cat-test" them, to see if they were safe with cats. We needed a cat who wouldn't run, or make a big fuss about the dogs. So, we volunteered Penny. She was thrilled.....
We would put her down in front of a dog. If it lunged at her, it failed. If it didn't do anything, it was safe. When the dogs would lunge at her, she would just sit there, and glare at them.
Stupid cat! I would tell her. If one of these dogs ever got you, you would have a major problem.
She would glare at me, and walk away. "Moron," you could almost hear her say.
Last year, in the dead of Winter, we lost her. There had been some freezing rain, one night, and she never came home. My wife and daughter were upset. So, at 10 o'clock at night, I bundled myself up, and wandered around the neighborhood in the still damp weather. In my high-pitched, muppet voice I walked all over yelling, "Penny!! Kitty, kitty, kitty."
I did that for close to an hour, and nearly froze my ears off.
Nothing.
The next day, I pulled into my garage, got out of my car, and Penny came running around the corner.
Stupid cat!! I said. You could have froze to death.
Saturday morning I got up, and shoveled the last of the snow off my driveway. It was a beautiful, sunny day. Even though the snow would have melted off, girl scouts were going to be decending on my house, to pick up their cookies from my wife, and I wanted to make sure the snow was gone before they got there. It was a great morning. I only get to see my wife and daughter on the weekends. I was talking to my wife, while she got the cookies ready and I shoveled the snow. It was nice.
My daughter went to play at a friends house, and my wife and I got cleaned up. We noticed that Penny wasn't right. She was 15 or 16, now. We were never sure which. She had kidney issues, and renal failure. We thought we had a few more months.
We didn't.
After going back and forth, we made the tough decision. She was suffering, and we knew it. We'd had her for 12 years. Longer than our daughter. It was tough. But, it was right. Penny was done.
My wife and I went to the vet. The doctor came in, and assured us that we were doing the right thing. She gave us a few minutes. Then, my wife went out to the car. It's something that they don't tell you about in the husband/daddy handbook. One of many things. You stay until the end. Period. And, yes. It does, in fact, suck. But, you do it so that no one else has to.
They gave Penny a sedative. She relaxed, and I rubbed her under her chin, which she loved. She purred. That made me happy, because she had been so uncomfortable, that she hadn't been able to purr. They came back in, and gave her another shot. She purred for a few more seconds. Then, nothing. She was gone.
They said they were sorry.
I nodded.
They told me that we did the right thing.
I nodded, again.
No one said anything else.
I went outside. The sky was a perfect blue. The sun was shining. I just stood there, for a minute.
My wife was in the car, upset.
I thought about the little blonde girl that I was going to have to face, later. It's something else they don't talk about in the handbook. And, yeah. That part sucked, too. I would have rather given blood, again.
I took a deep breath, and walked to my car with an empty cat carrier.
Stupid cat................
Friday, February 22, 2008
MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!!!!!!!
MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was talking to my friend, Samantha, the other day. I like to talk to younger people, and try to pass on the wisdom that 38 years of living have brought me. It went something like this:
Sam: I'm trying to work things out with my ex-boyfriend.
Me: Men suck!!
Sam: But, he's nice, and.....
Me: They suck!!!
Sam: We just had a lot going on, and I thought that if I.....
Me: Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck!!!!
Sam: I......
Me: SUCKSUCKSUCK...Men are cockroaches who only want to have sex with my daughter, and eat the cereal I left on the counter, which I was CLEARLY going to finish when I got up the next morning.
Sam: (sigh)
Me: Satan lives in a man's pants!!!!
Sam: I have to go, now.
Me: Me too. I have to shave the left side of my back.
Do you see what I did there? I took a young girl's problem, broke it down psychologically, crystallized it, and presented it back to her in a way that she could understand. Probably in a way that she had never thought of, and she'll now be able to view it with the simplicity that is neccessary to make the right decision.
Then it struck me. There is a hole, here, that needs to be filled.....That's a very sexist, masculine way to look at things. Implying that everything is just another hole that us big, strong men need to come in and fill, in order to make everything right with the world. If I were a woman I would be insulted, and offended. But, I'm a man. So, there's a hole to be filled.
As a public service to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.....I have decided to solve all of your problems. Dear Abby is old. It's time for a new voice, to lead the people out of their messed up lives. It's time for.........MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!!!!
Mr. Answer Guy will answer all of your questions, and help you to improve your life, with the clarity that you read above. It's so simple that it's, dare I say, GENIUS?
Simply send all your questions to mranswerguy@gmail.com
Mr. Answer Guy will then review all of your problems, solve them for you, and post them here in this blog. That way, I don't have to come up with new things to write about all the time.
'Tis a far, far greater thing that I do.........Or something like that.
Casey
I was talking to my friend, Samantha, the other day. I like to talk to younger people, and try to pass on the wisdom that 38 years of living have brought me. It went something like this:
Sam: I'm trying to work things out with my ex-boyfriend.
Me: Men suck!!
Sam: But, he's nice, and.....
Me: They suck!!!
Sam: We just had a lot going on, and I thought that if I.....
Me: Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck Suck!!!!
Sam: I......
Me: SUCKSUCKSUCK...Men are cockroaches who only want to have sex with my daughter, and eat the cereal I left on the counter, which I was CLEARLY going to finish when I got up the next morning.
Sam: (sigh)
Me: Satan lives in a man's pants!!!!
Sam: I have to go, now.
Me: Me too. I have to shave the left side of my back.
Do you see what I did there? I took a young girl's problem, broke it down psychologically, crystallized it, and presented it back to her in a way that she could understand. Probably in a way that she had never thought of, and she'll now be able to view it with the simplicity that is neccessary to make the right decision.
Then it struck me. There is a hole, here, that needs to be filled.....That's a very sexist, masculine way to look at things. Implying that everything is just another hole that us big, strong men need to come in and fill, in order to make everything right with the world. If I were a woman I would be insulted, and offended. But, I'm a man. So, there's a hole to be filled.
As a public service to EVERYONE IN THE WORLD.....I have decided to solve all of your problems. Dear Abby is old. It's time for a new voice, to lead the people out of their messed up lives. It's time for.........MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!!!!
Mr. Answer Guy will answer all of your questions, and help you to improve your life, with the clarity that you read above. It's so simple that it's, dare I say, GENIUS?
Simply send all your questions to mranswerguy@gmail.com
Mr. Answer Guy will then review all of your problems, solve them for you, and post them here in this blog. That way, I don't have to come up with new things to write about all the time.
'Tis a far, far greater thing that I do.........Or something like that.
Casey
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
My Own Private Hell.......
My Own Private Hell......
I don't sleep much.
I want to. I lay in bed. I turn off all the lights, and I put on my pj's.
But, I just lay there.
I've read all my books, and I've seen everything on TV.
There's no one to call. At least, no one who would appreciate a phone call, from me, at 2am.
Remember, when you first started dating someone, and you were all lovey-dovey, and you could call them anytime you wanted to, just to tell them that you were lonely, and were thinking about them?
Yeah, that goes away (along with certain sexual acts), after you get married. I don't think my wife, who is 6 months pregnant, would appreciate me calling in the wee hours of the morning. So, enjoy that one (along with the other things) while it lasts.
I couldn't call my friends. They would call me vulgar names, and hang up. Most of them have wives (who also won't do that anymore), and kids of their own. 2am phone calls from Casey, just 'cuz, won't fly.
So, I lay in my bed, and my mind wanders......A lot.
What would I do if I had a million dollars?
I still hate my ex-girlfriend, from years ago. Should I let that go?
What will my son look like? Will he be bigger than me? Most of the people in my wife's family are really tall. If he's taller than me, will he still have to do what I say? My daughter already doesn't, and I'm taller than her.
Why do I wear pj bottoms, with ducks all over them?
If I was going to kill someone, how would I do it? What would I do about the blood? I guess I could lay down some kind of mat. But, the person at the hardware store might wonder why I was buying a big mat. I guess I would have to kill them, too. Then, I would need two mats. Of course, I would have two bodies that I would have to get rid of. How would I do that? Honestly, it's probably more trouble than it's worth. I don't think I'll kill anybody, just yet.
George Clooney really is good looking. Does that make me gay? Or, just comfortable with my masculinity? I like girls. I don't think I'm gay. But, still, he is a good looking guy. No. I can't be gay. Nothing's moving.
What was that noise?
I don't have any underwear. I should wash some. Why do we need underwear? Would we chafe without it? Why do some men steal panties? Is there something exciting about HAVING panties? I don't think so. I don't have any panties. I don't even have any to wash. I don't have anywhere to put them, anyway. My apartment is too small.....That's a funny word. Panties. lol.
Was that my car alarm? I wonder if someone is trying to steal my car. Should I stop them? Would they stop if someone wearing duck pj's came outside? Probably not. They would probably laugh at me, and steal my car anyway. I guess I'll find out in the morning. Did I leave anything in it that I want? No. I never leave anything in the car. They can have it. I hope they stay outside. If they come in, and see me in my duck pj's, I think I would have a real problem.
I wonder if there's anything on TV. I don't think so. Remote's all the way over there, anyway......I don't feel like getting up.
Did I brush my teeth?
Is the woman upstairs having sex? I think I've heard that, before. Hard to tell, though. Would it be rude to ask? Probably.
I wonder what my wife is doing. Probably sleeping. Maybe I should call, and find out. No. She would get mad.
At this point, I look at my clock. It reads 3am...........
Damn!!!!!
It's 3am. Why the hell can't I get to sleep?!!
(sigh)
If I were going to kill someone, how would I do it?
Casey
I don't sleep much.
I want to. I lay in bed. I turn off all the lights, and I put on my pj's.
But, I just lay there.
I've read all my books, and I've seen everything on TV.
There's no one to call. At least, no one who would appreciate a phone call, from me, at 2am.
Remember, when you first started dating someone, and you were all lovey-dovey, and you could call them anytime you wanted to, just to tell them that you were lonely, and were thinking about them?
Yeah, that goes away (along with certain sexual acts), after you get married. I don't think my wife, who is 6 months pregnant, would appreciate me calling in the wee hours of the morning. So, enjoy that one (along with the other things) while it lasts.
I couldn't call my friends. They would call me vulgar names, and hang up. Most of them have wives (who also won't do that anymore), and kids of their own. 2am phone calls from Casey, just 'cuz, won't fly.
So, I lay in my bed, and my mind wanders......A lot.
What would I do if I had a million dollars?
I still hate my ex-girlfriend, from years ago. Should I let that go?
What will my son look like? Will he be bigger than me? Most of the people in my wife's family are really tall. If he's taller than me, will he still have to do what I say? My daughter already doesn't, and I'm taller than her.
Why do I wear pj bottoms, with ducks all over them?
If I was going to kill someone, how would I do it? What would I do about the blood? I guess I could lay down some kind of mat. But, the person at the hardware store might wonder why I was buying a big mat. I guess I would have to kill them, too. Then, I would need two mats. Of course, I would have two bodies that I would have to get rid of. How would I do that? Honestly, it's probably more trouble than it's worth. I don't think I'll kill anybody, just yet.
George Clooney really is good looking. Does that make me gay? Or, just comfortable with my masculinity? I like girls. I don't think I'm gay. But, still, he is a good looking guy. No. I can't be gay. Nothing's moving.
What was that noise?
I don't have any underwear. I should wash some. Why do we need underwear? Would we chafe without it? Why do some men steal panties? Is there something exciting about HAVING panties? I don't think so. I don't have any panties. I don't even have any to wash. I don't have anywhere to put them, anyway. My apartment is too small.....That's a funny word. Panties. lol.
Was that my car alarm? I wonder if someone is trying to steal my car. Should I stop them? Would they stop if someone wearing duck pj's came outside? Probably not. They would probably laugh at me, and steal my car anyway. I guess I'll find out in the morning. Did I leave anything in it that I want? No. I never leave anything in the car. They can have it. I hope they stay outside. If they come in, and see me in my duck pj's, I think I would have a real problem.
I wonder if there's anything on TV. I don't think so. Remote's all the way over there, anyway......I don't feel like getting up.
Did I brush my teeth?
Is the woman upstairs having sex? I think I've heard that, before. Hard to tell, though. Would it be rude to ask? Probably.
I wonder what my wife is doing. Probably sleeping. Maybe I should call, and find out. No. She would get mad.
At this point, I look at my clock. It reads 3am...........
Damn!!!!!
It's 3am. Why the hell can't I get to sleep?!!
(sigh)
If I were going to kill someone, how would I do it?
Casey
Monday, February 18, 2008
Here I Am....The One That You Love....Damn It!!!
Since God hates me, and my life has become a continuous, bad, stand-up routine, I spend a good portion of my life at airports, and on airplanes. This is due to the fact that my wife, daughter, and unborn son live in Missouri, while I live in New Jersey. It's one of the many joys of a life in broadcasting, for all you future radio professionals out there.
This evening I was flying back to Philly, from St. Louis, and I decided to amuse myself by listening to all the most embarrassing songs that I have on my ipod. Some of them, I have no idea why they are there. Others, remind me of ex-girlfriends, or times in my life. Some, I blame on my wife if people see them. But, she'll sell me down the river if she hears me do this.
Among the most embarrassing are the large number of Air Supply songs. Their greatest hits, if you will. Yes, I purchased their greatest hits. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I had the opportunity NOT to put them on my ipod, I didn't take it. I willingly downloaded them. I wish I had a good excuse. I don't. They make me think of taking romantic walks on the beach, with girls I've really liked. BUT, I've never taken a walk on the beach, really, with a girl I liked. There was one time, in Orange County where I grew up. But, it was a night, and there were a lot of people having sex on the beach, that night. So, it wasn't terribly romantic. It was mostly pornographic. So, we went home.....I guess I have no excuse for Air Supply.
Ambrosia? I liked song "Biggest Part Of Me." I don't admit to this one in public.
Ashlee Simpson? Yeah. She makes me want to "La-La." So what? Who made you the Minister of Good Taste?
The Blow Monkeys? I.....I don't know.....I just don't know......
Britney Spears? She was hot once.......A long, long time ago.
Chumbawamba? How could you not like a band named Chumbawamba? It's even fun to say. Try it. Chumbawamba....Chumbawamba....Tell the truth, now. You're smilng, right? Chumbawamba......Gotta love it.
Divinyls? I don't know about you, but I've ALWAYS thought there weren't enough good songs about female masterbation. "She Bop" aside, of course.
Duran Duran. I'm a child of the 80's, and I make no excuses for my decade. Besides, "Hungry Like The Wolf" is a good song. Better than anything Nirvanna did.
Enya? Uh, yeah......Enya......uhhhhhhhhh......I'll get back to you.
Moon Zappa....You had to love "Valley Girl.".......You did to!......Yes you did!....Shut up.
Hootie & The Blowfish......Yeah.....I know......They sold 40 million records, but I'm the only one who has one, right? You bet.
John Denver. Well, you see, I saw this "Behind the Music," and they always made people seem really good, and I saw this "Greatest Hits" albumn on sale at Target, and, well, there ya' go.....
John Parr? St. Elmo's Fire? Anyone?
Julian Lennon......Uh.....Well.....I'm a big Beatles fan, you see. And, on "Valotte" he sounds a lot like his dad. So, I just thought......never mind.
Kellie Pickler. Sometimes dumb girls can be fun.
OMD? Another "80's thing." Don't judge me.
The Rembrandts.....I liked the theme to "Friends." So did you. Don't waste my time, and I won't waste yours.
Rick Springfield. I had a "Jessie's Girl" once. We all did.
That's just a few of them. There are more. And, yes, there are a lot that you would probably think I SHOULD be embarrassed by, but I'm not. Debbie Gibson? I loved her. Still do. Almost "stalking" love, too.....The Monkees? Why can't people just admit that the music was good? Who cares if they could barely play their instruments? Neither could Elvis, and we called him the king.
If I had to pick the worst, it would be the Air Supply stuff. Maybe because it's romantic. But, what do I know about romance? I live in an apartment in New Jersey, while my family is in a house in Missouri. I'm not a romantic. I'm an idiot.
Casey
This evening I was flying back to Philly, from St. Louis, and I decided to amuse myself by listening to all the most embarrassing songs that I have on my ipod. Some of them, I have no idea why they are there. Others, remind me of ex-girlfriends, or times in my life. Some, I blame on my wife if people see them. But, she'll sell me down the river if she hears me do this.
Among the most embarrassing are the large number of Air Supply songs. Their greatest hits, if you will. Yes, I purchased their greatest hits. As if that wasn't bad enough, when I had the opportunity NOT to put them on my ipod, I didn't take it. I willingly downloaded them. I wish I had a good excuse. I don't. They make me think of taking romantic walks on the beach, with girls I've really liked. BUT, I've never taken a walk on the beach, really, with a girl I liked. There was one time, in Orange County where I grew up. But, it was a night, and there were a lot of people having sex on the beach, that night. So, it wasn't terribly romantic. It was mostly pornographic. So, we went home.....I guess I have no excuse for Air Supply.
Ambrosia? I liked song "Biggest Part Of Me." I don't admit to this one in public.
Ashlee Simpson? Yeah. She makes me want to "La-La." So what? Who made you the Minister of Good Taste?
The Blow Monkeys? I.....I don't know.....I just don't know......
Britney Spears? She was hot once.......A long, long time ago.
Chumbawamba? How could you not like a band named Chumbawamba? It's even fun to say. Try it. Chumbawamba....Chumbawamba....Tell the truth, now. You're smilng, right? Chumbawamba......Gotta love it.
Divinyls? I don't know about you, but I've ALWAYS thought there weren't enough good songs about female masterbation. "She Bop" aside, of course.
Duran Duran. I'm a child of the 80's, and I make no excuses for my decade. Besides, "Hungry Like The Wolf" is a good song. Better than anything Nirvanna did.
Enya? Uh, yeah......Enya......uhhhhhhhhh......I'll get back to you.
Moon Zappa....You had to love "Valley Girl.".......You did to!......Yes you did!....Shut up.
Hootie & The Blowfish......Yeah.....I know......They sold 40 million records, but I'm the only one who has one, right? You bet.
John Denver. Well, you see, I saw this "Behind the Music," and they always made people seem really good, and I saw this "Greatest Hits" albumn on sale at Target, and, well, there ya' go.....
John Parr? St. Elmo's Fire? Anyone?
Julian Lennon......Uh.....Well.....I'm a big Beatles fan, you see. And, on "Valotte" he sounds a lot like his dad. So, I just thought......never mind.
Kellie Pickler. Sometimes dumb girls can be fun.
OMD? Another "80's thing." Don't judge me.
The Rembrandts.....I liked the theme to "Friends." So did you. Don't waste my time, and I won't waste yours.
Rick Springfield. I had a "Jessie's Girl" once. We all did.
That's just a few of them. There are more. And, yes, there are a lot that you would probably think I SHOULD be embarrassed by, but I'm not. Debbie Gibson? I loved her. Still do. Almost "stalking" love, too.....The Monkees? Why can't people just admit that the music was good? Who cares if they could barely play their instruments? Neither could Elvis, and we called him the king.
If I had to pick the worst, it would be the Air Supply stuff. Maybe because it's romantic. But, what do I know about romance? I live in an apartment in New Jersey, while my family is in a house in Missouri. I'm not a romantic. I'm an idiot.
Casey
Friday, February 15, 2008
The aliens, and Ron Paul, want my blood. Why?
I had to give blood today.
Most people probably wouldn't think too much of this. You go there, they stick a needle in your arm, take some blood, and then you leave. Simple, right? If I'm not mistaken, the whole process takes less than 3 minutes.
Here's the problem.....I don't like needles.
Blood is also not my favorite thing. I have an "understanding" with my blood. It stays in my body, and I never look at it.
This has been a successful relationship for some years, now. Not unlike the way that North and South Korea exist. I know my blood is there. It knows that I'm out here. Every so often one of us staggers into the DMZ, some harmless shots are fired, and we get on with our lives. Easy.
Now, though, a third party is running interference. They want to see my blood. Touch it. Handle it. Test it. It's odd what people choose to do for a living. I'm on the radio. I like being on the radio. True, not as much as I once did. But, I still enjoy it. I also enjoy writing this blog. Yet, for some reason, no one seems to want to pay me to write. I'm working on that, though. Either way, talking on the radio and writing columns don't involve dealing with other people's fluids. That is, to quote a medical journal, "icky."
Anyway, I know what is going to happen. I'm going to go. I'm going to tell them what a sissy I am. They are going to tell me to "try and tough it out." That's what they always do. I'm 38. I know what I can, and cannot, "tough out."
Then, instead of letting me lay down, they will sit me in a chair, stick an unusually large needle into my arm, and expect me to sit there and watch while my own, personal blood oozes into a tube.
I will turn very white.
I will squirm.
They will tell me, "you don't look so good."
I will try and stand up.
Then, they will tell me to go lay down, and get mad at me for not telling them that I had a "problem" with needles.
I know this will happen, because it happened the last TWO times that I had to give blood.
Usually my wife comes with me, and makes sure they don't yell at her manly husband. But, my wife is in Missouri. This makes my life even more complicated. The last time I had to give blood, without my wife there, I had to pull off the side of the road, because I was about to throw up.
This time, I'll be on my own. Which, of course, means that I will probably have to pull off the side of the road, and almost throw up, again.
Great Valentine's Day. I'm away from my wife, and daughter. I had dental work done, today, and we all know how much I love that. Now, I have to go, by myself, and give blood to strange people who are going to do "things" to it.
If I get a bloody nose, before I go, do you think they would just let me drip it into a cup, or something?
Probably not.
Casey
Most people probably wouldn't think too much of this. You go there, they stick a needle in your arm, take some blood, and then you leave. Simple, right? If I'm not mistaken, the whole process takes less than 3 minutes.
Here's the problem.....I don't like needles.
Blood is also not my favorite thing. I have an "understanding" with my blood. It stays in my body, and I never look at it.
This has been a successful relationship for some years, now. Not unlike the way that North and South Korea exist. I know my blood is there. It knows that I'm out here. Every so often one of us staggers into the DMZ, some harmless shots are fired, and we get on with our lives. Easy.
Now, though, a third party is running interference. They want to see my blood. Touch it. Handle it. Test it. It's odd what people choose to do for a living. I'm on the radio. I like being on the radio. True, not as much as I once did. But, I still enjoy it. I also enjoy writing this blog. Yet, for some reason, no one seems to want to pay me to write. I'm working on that, though. Either way, talking on the radio and writing columns don't involve dealing with other people's fluids. That is, to quote a medical journal, "icky."
Anyway, I know what is going to happen. I'm going to go. I'm going to tell them what a sissy I am. They are going to tell me to "try and tough it out." That's what they always do. I'm 38. I know what I can, and cannot, "tough out."
Then, instead of letting me lay down, they will sit me in a chair, stick an unusually large needle into my arm, and expect me to sit there and watch while my own, personal blood oozes into a tube.
I will turn very white.
I will squirm.
They will tell me, "you don't look so good."
I will try and stand up.
Then, they will tell me to go lay down, and get mad at me for not telling them that I had a "problem" with needles.
I know this will happen, because it happened the last TWO times that I had to give blood.
Usually my wife comes with me, and makes sure they don't yell at her manly husband. But, my wife is in Missouri. This makes my life even more complicated. The last time I had to give blood, without my wife there, I had to pull off the side of the road, because I was about to throw up.
This time, I'll be on my own. Which, of course, means that I will probably have to pull off the side of the road, and almost throw up, again.
Great Valentine's Day. I'm away from my wife, and daughter. I had dental work done, today, and we all know how much I love that. Now, I have to go, by myself, and give blood to strange people who are going to do "things" to it.
If I get a bloody nose, before I go, do you think they would just let me drip it into a cup, or something?
Probably not.
Casey
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