Hard News...........

This just in to the WSUK newsroom.........New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has announced that he has partaken of the prostitutional fruit, and is resigning his office........Now, here's WSUK anchor-stud, Rex Hardman........

(Overproduced Musical Flourish)

Rex:

Good afternoon. I'm Rex Hardman.

If you're just tuning in, the Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer, has resigned his office due to a scandal involving a high-priced call girl......Whom I have never met, and have absolutely no knowledge of.....I swear to God.......At this juncture, while maintaining the privacy and dignity of the Spitzer children, one does have to wonder what affect this is having on the family.

For more on this developing story, let's go to our street reporter, Jennifer Hottington. Jennifer, what is the situation outside the Spitzer home?

Jennifer:

Thanks Rex. The situation outside the Spitzer home is almost circus-like, in nature. While we, at WSUK, are attempting to allow the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, to maintain some level of dignity, members of the so-called "drive-by media" are here in full force.

Now, if my cameraman will pan his camera to the side, here, you can see that there are literally hundreds of quote/unquote "reporters," and their cameramen, simply trying to cash in on the hype, and commercialize this very private situation for the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children.

Rex:

It really is a sad statement on society, isn't it?

Jennifer:

It truly is, Rex.

Rex:

Jennifer, do you know what time these "tabloid" reporters started lining up?

Jennifer:

Well, Rex, we've been camped out here for 3 days, and several of these "opportunists" arrived shortly after that. At one point it got so crowded that I was forced to contact a security person, whose name I don't recall, and flash him my breasts in order to get a spot with a good camera angle, right here in front.

Rex:

It really is a sad statement on society, that some of these, so-called, journalists simply refuse to give the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, the time and space they need to heal.

Jennifer:

It truly is, Rex.

Rex:

Thank you, Jennifer.

And, that really is the story, now. Aside from their father betraying their mother with a high priced hooker, whose name and face they won't be able to avoid.........That's the picture on your screen, right now, of the hooker, whose name is Ashley Alexandra Dupre.......But, with the name and picture being splashed all over the tabloid media, how will the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, be able to heal? For a unique perspective, let's head to the skies with WSUK's very own "Captain Dave" in SKY-SUK-1.

Captain Dave, what have you been able to learn from your vantage point?

Captain Dave:

Well, Rex, it's been a little difficult. Several of the low-lifes', from the tabloids, have been recklessly flying around in "mercenary" helicopters in order to try to get even a passing glimpse of one of the Spitzer children, so that they can cash in on it. But, it really does make things pretty dangerous up here for those of us in the legitimate news-copters. Not to mention, Rex, the frustration, and the sadness that people can't help but feel for the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, at having to see that hooker's face plastered all over the tabloids.

Rex:

It really is a tragedy, of sorts, in and of itself, Captain Dave. AND, if you're just tuning in, while we're talking to WSUK's "Captain Dave" in SKY-SUK-1, the image on your screen is that of Ashley Alexandra Dupre, the high paid hooker who brought down the Democratic Governor of New York, Eliot Spitzer. At this point in time, one can only feel the pain of the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children......

Captain Dave:

Rex, are you still with me?

Rex:

We're here, Captain Dave.

Captain Dave:

Rex, I have a WSUK, SKY-SUK-1, SUPER EXCLUSIVE!!!!!

Rex:

What is it, Captain Dave!?!

Captain Dave:

Rex, during my last rotation at the Spitzer's apartment window, I was pointing my SKY-CAM inside, in order to try to get a feel for the sadness that the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, must be feeling. As I zoomed in on the window, I was able to catch the face of a young girl, presumably one of the Spitzer children, looking out. She appeared to be crying, and mouthing the words, "GO AWAY." It's a little grainy. I don't know if you can see it back at the studio. But, this is the obvious frustration that a young girl, whose family is falling apart, is feeling about all these paparazzi style reporters, in the other helicopters, trying to cash in on their pain.........And I do want to remind everybody, again, that this is a WSUK, SKY-SUK-1, exclusive video, that you will not see on ANY of those tabloid shows.

Rex:

Captain Dave, we are seeing that video, clearly. It does appear that the girl is crying AND, in fact, mouthing the words, "GO AWAY."

If you're just tuning in to WSUK, we are covering the resignation of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, and the effect this is having on the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children. On the left side of your screen is a picture of the high priced hooker, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, and on the right side is a continuous loop of an exclusive WSUK, SKY-SUK-1 video that was just captured by our own "Captain Dave." It appears to show one of the Spitzer children crying uncontrollably, and mouthing the words "GO AWAY" to the tabloid media that is in the area........By the way, the music you are hearing, softly, in the background, is Ashley Alexandra Dupre's new single, which is available for download on the WSUK website....

For more on this tragic video.......Uh.....In the booth?.......Can we just run that video, over and over and over again, until people start to choke on their own vomit?.........We can?........Good............For more on this gut wrenching video, which you will only see on WSUK, let's go to our field reporter, Dirk Smoothly......

Dirk, do you have any information for us?

Dirk: (whispering)

Rex, I don't know if you can hear me. But, I'm in the air vent, directly above the young Spitzer girl's room. At this time, I can verify that the young girl is crying, uncontrollably, and did, in fact, scream the words, "GO AWAY," at the tabloid, paparazzi, scum-sucking, reporters that are just outside her window, along with "Captain Dave..............."

WHOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH...........................A WSUK EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rex:

If you're just tuning in, WSUK has just learned, from our own Dirk Smoothly, who's in an air vent in one of the Spitzer daughter's bedrooms, that exclusive video taken by our own "Captain Dave" in SKY-SUK-1, does in fact show one of the Spitzer daughters crying, and screaming the words "GO AWAY" at the tabloid reporters who are flying right alongside our own "Captain Dave."

Dirk, are you still there?

Dirk?

Have we lost Dirk?

Dirk?

Are you there, Dirk?

Do we still have the signal?

Dirk?

Can you hear me Dirk?

Okay.....

I believe we've lost Di......wait.......

Dirk?

Are you there, Dirk?

Dirk?

Dirk?

Dirk?

Do we still have Dirk?

Dirk?

Dirk?

We seem to have lost contact with Dirk Smoothly.

If you're just tuning in, we're continuing our coverage of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's resignation, and the affect it's having on the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children.........Let's head back down to Jennifer Hottington.......Jennifer, do you have any new information for us.

Jennifer:

Rex, I've made my way to the rear of the building, in order to get some clean air away from all the vile, mouth breathing, tabloid, boogers who refuse to give the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, a moment of peace.

Rex:

I can understand that, Jennifer.

Jennifer:

And, while I was back here, Rex, I was able to dig through the garbage, and find a bag that appears to have come from the Spitzer household.

Rex:

Is there anything in it, Jennifer?

Jennifer:

Rex, there is lots and lots of used tissues......One can only assume that they are covered in the tears, and snot, of the Spitzer family, as they try to maintain their privacy, and work through what must be a very difficult time..........However, REAL journalists don't have the luxury of making assumptions, Rex. So, I'm going to bring these tissues back to the WSUK science editor, Dr. Quad Triceps. Hopefully, he will be able to reveal to us if these are the tissues of a common cold.......Or, the tissues of a family, in particular the children, going through a personal Hell.

Rex:

We look forward to that report, Jennifer.

I'm being told that we have Dirk Smoothly back.

Dirk, are you with us?

Dirk:

I'm here, Rex.

Rex:

Do you have any new information for us.

Dirk:

Yes, Rex, I do.

Rex:

What do you have Dirk?

Dirk:

I have the Spitzer's youngest daughter, Rex.


WHOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH...........................A WSUK EXCLUSIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rex:

If you're just tuning in, you're watching a WSUK exclusive report on the resignation of New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, for visiting a hooker, and the negative impact that the tabloid media is having on the Spitzer family, in particular the Spitzer children, and their ability to heal from this. On the right third of your screen is a picture of the hooker, Ashley Alexandra Dupre, on the left third is a constant loop of a 4 second video taken by our own "Captain Dave" in SKY-SUK-1 of one of the Spitzer's children, crying uncontrollably, and mouthing the words "GO AWAY," to the tabloid media. Now, in the middle third of your screen, is a WSUK poll asking you if you think the tabloid media goes to far in covering these types of stories. To vote, log on to WSUK.com.

We're talking with our reporter, Dirk Smoothly, who has an exclusive interview with one of the Spitzer's daughters.

Dirk, what has she told you, so far?

Dirk:

Uh....Nothing.

Rex:

What?

Dirk:

Rex, using a combination of hand-to-hand combat skills that I learned at an executive retreat, and an entire bottle of chloroform, I was able to abduct the young girl, and am currently working my way through the ventilation ducts, and down to my car. At that point, I will take her to the WSUK safe house, in Piscataway, New Jersey. There, she'll be safe from the tabloid blah, blah blah.............

Rex:

Excellent reporting, Dirk. Keep it tuned to WSUK, and we'll bring you that report as soon as Dirk gets to Jersey.

Dirk, while you're in Jersey, see if you can hook up with the prostitute's family, before the paparazzi.......uhhhh............Oh, screw it.....

You've been watching a WSUK exclusive report...............We now join the Jerry Springer Show, already in progress.