Proof That Recycling Will Kill You!!!!!

I haven’t blogged in a while because, and it’s just a little thing, but my wife tried to kill me, and my right arm hurt.
A few days ago I could have answered the following question, the following way:

Question: "Casey, has your wife ever tried to kill you?"

Answer: "No."

Now, I miss that guy. That simple man, whose view of the world was so simple, and naive. A blind optimist, if you will.

The problem, really, is in the marriage vows. "Love, honor, and obey."

You will notice that it does NOT say, "love, honor, obey, and never try to kill." I’m sure it was probably just a small oversight, at the time. But, as I was laying in my driveway, writhing in pain, hearing the voices of dead relatives telling me to "walk into the light," I thought it was pretty important.

Saturday was a day like any other. The weather was nice, the sun was shining, and I had decided to take my family out to lunch. My wife decided that she wanted to drive, that day. Mind you, I ALWAYS drive. Brooke almost NEVER drives, when we are together. Looking back, I suppose I should have been suspicious. But, like I said, I was being foolish. Love does that to a man. Makes us do silly things.

So, she got into the driver’s seat, my daughter got into the back, and I headed for the passenger side. When I opened my door she said, "Before you get in, can you bring the recycle bins up?"

"Sure," I said.

This SHOULD have been my second clue. I NEVER recycle anything. I don’t believe in global warming, and think it’s a sin to leave a perfectly good landfill half full. So, I throw EVERYTHING away. Including stuff you’re not supposed to throw away. Paint, half used cans of gas, human remains. Sometimes, just to thumb my nose at the hippies, I will buy a newspaper for the sole purpose of throwing it away. So, it was odd that she would ask ME, of all people, to bring up the recycle bins. But, as I said before, I was firmly under the "she-devil’s" spell. I simply did as I was asked, like the mouth-breathing, putz that I am.

That’s when it happened.

I walked around the back of the car, and she threw it into reverse, and hit me. BAM!! Just like that. The force was so powerful that it knocked me......well.....back, a couple of steps, at least. At this point, my wife became very concerned.

Me: "OWWWWWW!!!!"

Brooke: "What?"

Me: "You hit me."

Brooke: "I did not."

Me: "Yes, you did. You HIT me WITH the car!"

Brooke: "I didn’t feel anything."

Me: "That’s because you were IN the car. Not out here, with me, getting hit!"

Brooke: (sighing) "Are you okay?"

Me: "I think my arm is broken."

Brooke: "Your arm isn’t broken. Are you gonna get the recycle bins?"

Me: "I can’t feel my fingers."

Brooke: "Wah, wah, wah. I’m hungry. Let’s go eat."

Me: "I don’t think my arm is supposed to bend this way."

Brooke: "Just get the bins."

I don’t blame my wife for this. She is six months pregnant. For those of you who have never been around a pregnant woman, when they are hungry, they are hungry NOW!!! Not in 10 minutes, not in 5 minutes, and CLEARLY not when I am done getting the recycle bins......NOW!!!!! What part of NOW don’t you understand!?!!

This is why, I believe, my wife hit me with a car. Not JUST a car. A BIG car. A minivan. A minivan with a DVD player, which I believe added extra force to the impact.

Normally, when my wife is NOT pregnant, she almost NEVER hits me with the car, or anything else. But, when she is "in a family way," I become more of a human abuse experiment. Sleeping in the same bed is not unlike going a few rounds with Tyson. Then there’s the whole "attempted murder" thing. You see, I TELL my wife that the reason I wanted to live in New Jersey, while she stayed in Missouri, was so that we wouldn’t have to pull my daughter out of school. In truth, had she moved to New Jersey, I may very well be dead, right now.

Now, I don’t want to go so far as to suggest that pregnant women should be locked up for 9 months. That would be extreme. I’m almost 80% certain that some pregnant women NEVER try to kill their husbands. Though, these are only rumors that I’ve heard. But, some sort of restraint system might be in order. Nothing too unusual. I was thinking along the lines of the system used to restrain Linda Blair, in the "The Exorcist."

It’s just a thought, and NOT one that I will bring up to my wife. At least, not without witnesses around.

Now, if you will excuse me, Brooke just sent me a package........It’s ticking.

Casey

NEXT WEEK, THE RETURN OF "ASK MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!" ANY LAST MINUTE QUESTIONS SHOULD BE SENT TO mranswerguy@gmail.com