My Replacement Is Coming......

I'm going to be a dad............

AGAIN................

At 38!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What, in the name of all things holy, was I thinking about!?!!

A brief moment of passion...........I heard that.................and the next 18 years of my life, minimum, are now going to be dictated by forces beyond my control.

We've decided to name these forces Max.

Max currently resides in a womb, deep within my wife's innards. Several thousand times a day my wife will make a noise that goes like this......."Oh.....Oooooooooooo........" This means that Max is doing some form of "womb acrobatics," and causing Brooke a level of, shall we say, discomfort. So, since he is VERY active while he's in the womb, I have no reason to believe that he won't be VERY active once he works his way out.

I was 30 when we had my daughter, Spenser. It was a good age. The world, and myself, were still young and full of promise. I thought nothing of bouncing out of bed at 7am, to be with my new daughter and show her all that this big, wonderful world had to offer. In short, like most new parents, I was an idiot.

We would show Spenser a leaf, and give her one to hold.............And we would video it!!!!!!!

We would show her rocks, and give her some to hold..................And we would video it!!!!!!

We would bundle her up, and taker her outside in the snow and rain........Again with the stinkin' video!!!!!

I drive around, and I see people do that. "FOOLS!!!!" I say. "You will NEVER look at those stupid videos!!!!" Then, they go inside and call the police. So, I have to leave.

My daughter is JUST NOW at the point where she can get out of bed, by herself, brush her teeth and hair, put on an outfit that doesn't match (she has my fashion sense), and go downstairs and pour herself a bowl of cereal. It is a glorious parental achievement, of which my wife and I are very proud.

Me? Up at 7am? Hardly.

I don't even think that the sun gets up at 7am. Even if it does, I really don't think it can be healthy for people to be up and about that early. I avoid the sun like a vampire who's lost track of time.

Nope. Now, I stay in bed until about 10am, on a good day. I'll put on my Tigger robe (it was a gift..shut up), and head downstairs to see what my wife is going to make me do, today. Then, at around noon, I'll take a shower and we'll do something for lunch. Then, I'll watch TV for a few hours, and we'll go to dinner. Then, I'll watch TV for a few more hours, and I'll go to bed. And, the cycle starts all over again. I've gotten it down to a science.

I am already referring to these days as my "mad, impetuous, youth." The crazy days, if you will.

But, Max is coming, and I am OLD.

When he's 12, I'll be 50!!!!!!!!

When he's 18, and graduating from high school, I'll be 56!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My wife, by this point, will have left me for a much younger, much better looking guy. Then my nurse, who does not speak english, and leaves me sitting in my own filth for several hours a day, will clip on my tie and drive me down to the graduation ceremony. I won't recognize anybody, and I'll just smile and wave, as a line of drool works its way down my face. My daughter, who will be a successful singer/animal doctor/teacher/police woman/artist (her choices, not mine) will be there, with her philanthropist husband, and my own grandchildren will be afraid of me because I, "smell funny."

Then my boy, Max, will take the stage as the class valedictorian (I had to spell check that), and thank everyone, singling out me. "That weird guy, with the gray beard, who always complained about having to get up so early." At this point I'll smile. Not because my son made me proud. More than likely because my nurse will have given me a ball, with a bell inside, to keep me quiet during the ceremony. But, still, I'll smile.

I'm going to try and avoid this, of course.

I will get out of bed early.....My wife will make me.

I will watch The Wiggles, or whatever annoying, brightly colored, happy song singing freaks are all the rage in two years. (Side note: I have seen The Wiggles live, in concert....Swear to God.)

I might try and cut some corners, though. I will be old, and cranky. Instead of taking him outside, maybe I’ll just grab a bunch of rocks, leaves, ice, and water and toss it in his crib.

"There," I’ll say. "Rocks, leaves, snow, and rain. Now, for crying out loud, go back to sleep!!!!"

Of course, I will video the whole thing.

Casey