Women Are Smarter, And Stuff.....

As if he doesn't have enough problems just BEING my son, there is a sexist move afoot to make my boy stupid.

When my daughter was born, my orders were very specific. "Don't talk to her like she's a baby. She'll be smarter, and develop a better vocabulary."

I had to use specific definitions of words, so that she would not only know WHAT I was talking about, but would also understand what it WAS that I was talking about, while she was spitting up all over herself. So, if the dog came into the room, I couldn't just say it was the dog. I had to be descriptive.

Me: Oh look, honey. It's the highly variable domestic animal, closely related to the Gray Wolf, that we call Lucy.

My Daughter: Gooooooo....

In this way my daughter allegedly became HIGHLY intelligent to the point that, when she went outside the other day, she had her shorts on backwards.

Nice.

There is no such effort being made with my son. It seems a little early, to me, to throw in the towel on the boy. He's only 4 months old. But, when the dog comes into the room, now, my wife isn't nearly as interested in the educational benefits of the action.

My Wife: It's the woof-woof.....It's the woof-woof......Look at the woof-woof.

My Son: Gooooooo....

Now, he can't dress himself. But, his shorts are generally facing the right direction.

However, I feel that this might be a bigger conspiracy. Bigger than the Kennedy assassination. Possibly even bigger than that whole thing, earlier this year, about the body double in the blonde wig who came out on stage while the REAL Hannah Montana was changing her outfit........Don't pretend like you didn't hear about it....We ALL heard about it.....No.....I'm sure YOU were reading Dickens, or something.....Right.

Anyway, I believe there may be a greater effort going on, in order to make boys stupid. According to the latest figures, 57% of college students are female.

Which means, guys, that not only are the women smart, THEY'RE GETTING SMARTER!!!!

In the very near future, we won't even get to live inside the house. They'll just keep us in pens, and only bring us out when they want to reproduce, need something heavy lifted, or see a spider. Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't too long ago that I spent 4 hours of my Saturday, driving around all over the place, looking at thousands of different curtains, and came home without buying ANY OF THEM!!!!! What a waste. I'd have bought the first ones', and gone home. There was a USC game on. Come on, people. Priorities. If I had my own pen, I wouldn't need curtains. Just a little hay in the corner. Sounds good to me.

We probably wouldn't even need to bother learning to speak.

Woman: Who wants to reproduce?.....Who wants to reproduce?....Do you wanna reproduce?

Man: Gooooooo....

Honestly, it doesn't sound so bad.

We also used to show my daughter videos from a series called "Baby Einstein." In these videos, classical music would play while various animals did various things, at various speeds. Then, a hand puppet of some kind (I seem to remember a goat), would pop up on the screen, look around, and stare at you for a long time. Then, there would be more animals, and more classical music, followed by more staring. Truthfully, I found the whole thing to be more than a little creepy.

Me: Are you sure this is okay for her to watch? It seems weird.

My Wife: Shut up, or I'll lock you in your pen.

Me: Gooooooo....

So, we watched.....and watched....and watched...until we could not watch any more. Not because we had gone mad and started killing people, which is what I wanted to do (we NEVER do what I wanna do.) But, because we had seen ALL the "Baby Einstein" videos. My wife was satisfied that my daughter, who was in the corner swallowing pennies, was a genius ready to take her place among our new female masters.

The last thing my son watched?

Well, the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie was on a few weeks ago. We watched part of that together. I think he sort of laughed. I was very proud.

So, you women can go to college, and get all your fancy book learnin'. I'm gonna stay in my pen, and watch TV.

Call me when it's time to reproduce.

Casey

IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU AREN'T READING THIS ON SUNDAY. IF YOU'RE READING THIS ON SUNDAY, THEN YOU MISSED MY ROLLER DERBY DEBUT!!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!! I'VE NEVER MISSED ANYTHING OF YOURS!!!! BUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS AND THE GOTHAM CITY GIRLS. I'LL BE THERE, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. TRICIA WILL BE THE REAL ANNOUNCER. I'LL JUST BE SITTING THERE, SAYING STUPID THINGS, AND TRYING TO AVOID GETTING HIT. BUT, THERE WILL BE FUN, AND MUSIC, AND A GOOD TIME WILL BE HAD BY ALL. IT ALL STARTS AT 7PM. COME BY, AND SAY HI.