The Hell Dryers Of Doom.

You're going to die.

Later today, probably, if you haven't already.

I know this, because I am a highly skilled member of the media, and I am trained to see these types of things. That, and because I saw it on TV.

I won't die. I know what to look for. You, on the other hand, are doomed. YOU are probably looking for things like guns, or pipe bombs, or evil, mind controlling death rays that are being zapped at you, daily, by North Korean satellites.

FOOL!!!!

Guns and pipe bombs probably won't kill you. The North Korean death rays are another story. Turns out that the Koreans aren't nearly as "zany" as they were on M*A*S*H. Who knew?

You are probably going to be killed by something simple, right in the privacy of your own home. I'm talking about, of course, Darwin's great equalizer: The Laundry.

Your dryer, to be precise. I don't think the washer can kill you. I think the washer is the unwilling accomplice of the dryer. It lulls you into a sense of complacency, and then the dryer moves in for the kill.

Here's what I have learned: Your clothes dryer serves no other purpose than to endanger your family, and possibly kill your neighbors.

If you place clothes ON your dryer, there is the chance that they could get too hot, and BURST INTO FLAME!!!!!

Or, they could fall behind the dryer, get too hot, and BURST INTO FLAME!!!!

Or, if you place your clothes INSIDE your dryer (dummy), you could have accidentally left a receipt in your pocket. This receipt could "superheat" (that's what they said. I swear to God), and BURST INTO FLAME!!!!

Your dryer could also "superheat" (honest) a linoleum floor, thus melting it, or worse!! Causing it to BURST INTO FLAME!!!!

And, what if you are one of those people who stores all of your gasoline, and old paint ON TOP of your dryer? It could "superheat" (really!!!), and........BURST INTO FLAME!!!!!! Now, I don't know anybody who keeps their old gas, and paint products on top of their dryer. But, they had a real-live, honest-to-God, authentic REENACTMENT video of this. So, it has to be true. Otherwise, how could they possibly reenact it? I know. It scared me, too.

Also, who among us hasn't left coins in our pockets when we took our pants off? None of us, I bet. If these innocent coins were to stay in our pockets, and find their way into the dryer, they could then "superheat" (blah, blah, blah), and BURST INTO FLAME!!!!! Okay, I made that one up. The coins won't burst into flame. BUT, this is not without danger!!!! After "superheating" (uh-huh), they could cause serious skin burns to you, OR your children!!!!

YOUR CHILDREN, YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD!!!!!

Why, in the name of all things holy, are you trying to harm your children with coins that have been "superheated' (yep) in the dryer? Besides, there are FAR more efficient ways to "superheat" (it's a real word. I looked it up) your coins. Your stovetop, I think, would be far less time consuming. But, that's not the point, here. The point is that your dryer is CLEARLY trying to kill you. You either have to take steps to prevent this, or kill it before it kills you.

The TV show had a few suggestions.

First, don't store your petroleum based products on top of your dryer. Okay, I think I can make this concession. Besides, I've got plenty of spare room in my oven for those. I almost never use the bottom rack, anyway.

Next, clean out your pockets BEFORE you put your pants in the dryer. If you don't, your just ASKING for trouble. Your receipts will kill you. Personally, I think we should start charging every business in the country, who gives you a receipt, with attempted murder. What other reason could there POSSIBLY be for providing you with a record of your business transactions? Right. There isn't one. Obviously, there only goal is to see you, and your family, burned alive.

Finally, never, NEVER run the dryer when you are not at home. That way, you'll be home should anything BURST INTO FLAME!!!!!!

........Wait..........What?

That can't be right........Why would I WANT to be home when everything goes up in smoke? Doesn't that put my life at risk? Shouldn't that read, "ONLY run your dryer when you are NOT at home?"

I mean, sure, if you're there you MIGHT be able to put the fire out. But, based on all the previous information about "death paper," "hell coins," and the "linoleum of DOOM" what makes you think that you have what it takes to go up against these un-Godly forces of nature, whose only reason for existence is to take your life?

No.

I think your best bet is to ONLY dry your clothes when you are NOT at home. Honestly, that way you can ignore everything else. Keep your gas on top of your dryer, leave the receipts in your pocket, and toss a few extra coins in, just for good measure. What's the worst thing that could happen? Your house burns down? So what. Build another one. I don't like the set up of this one, anyway.

Sure, your neighbors could die. But, I just moved here, and don't know them very well, anyway. I mean, I don't want them to die. But, if they did, I think I would be able to go on. Really, it would kind of be their fault for hanging around when I was drying my clothes. They KNOW I have a dryer. They all stood outside and watched when the guys from Bulgaria (no kidding) unloaded it. So, really, they're just a bunch of thrill-seekers, who are seeking some kind of adrenaline high, by staying home when I'm doing laundry.

Fools. They deserve to die, if you ask me.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go toss some coins in the dryer. Just cuz.

Casey

DON'T FORGET THAT I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY, WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS, ON SATURDAY SEPTEMBER 20, AT 7PM, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW WILL BE MAKING HIS DEBUT AT THE BOUT. COME ON DOWN, WATCH THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS TAKE ON THE GOTHAM CITY GIRLS, AND ENJOY THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. RAY ROSSI WILL BE THERE, SOMEWHERE. WHY AM I DOING THIS? BECAUSE THEY ASKED, AND NO ONE EVER ASKS ME TO DO ANYTHING. ALSO, BECAUSE THE RADIO STATION SAID THEY DIDN'T WANT ME TO DO IT. SO, THEY CAN SUCK IT!!!