A Blogger Writes His Ticket To Hell....Probably Gets A Window Seat

I think that God owes the media an apology.

You see, we in the media require a certain amount of suffering in order to make our money. On a good day, there will be GREAT human suffering. In the event of GREAT human suffering, we get to jack up our ad rates, and make even more money. Then, we can all buy new cars.

However, when CERTAIN SUPREME BEINGS put together a massive storm, and lead us to believe that there will be GREAT human suffering, but seem to lose interest at the last minute, that costs us money. I don't wanna mention any names....GOD......But, we mobilized, and sent our best reporters to New Orleans, for what amounted to nothing more than some heavy rain. Thanks for nothing.

No people stuck on top of their houses.

No video of animals desperately swimming for their lives.

No rape or murder in the Superdome.

No "money" shots of small children, clearly abandoned by their families, sitting in the street, crying.

AND, perhaps worst of all, no Sean Penn. We had our second unit teams camped outside Sean Penn's house, waiting to see when he was going to charter his own jet, and fly down to New Orleans, hop into a dinky row boat, and try to save people. A truly compassionate God would have, at the very least, sent Sean Penn there. It would have given us something to do.

No, we in the media got nothing. You could see it in the eyes of the reporters for the past couple of days. They looked like the kid who was sure he was getting a new bike for Christmas, yet opened up a 3 volume set of the Encyclopedia Britannica, with a faux oak display case for easy access. I thought they were going to cry.

It is time that God started realizing that we, in the media, have children to feed, too. We have mortgages to pay. Car payments to make. Food to buy. A little consideration for OUR needs would be nice. We are willing to work out a deal, if necessary.

Here's what WE need. The media works in a "Four Quarter" year. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. God, if you could arrange a major, domestic disaster, with great loss of life, possible minority involvement (Hispanic would be best since we are getting killed by Telemundo), in an impoverished area to maximize death/destruction, THAT would be great. Ideally, these "disasters" would come during the Fall and Spring periods, as that is when we set our ad rates. Anything where we could put stars from our new line-up would be super. Preferably during a warmer time, as we could get the girls from "Gossip Girl" in bikinis.

During the Winter/Summer months, you (God) could provide us with a similar-type disaster, in an impoverished nation that no one has ever heard of/been to. If it happened in a place where the weather was nice, that would be super, as it tends to get a little cold in certain parts of the U.S. during the winter. Baring that, a celebrity murder during this time period would be workable. It does, though, have to be a "beloved" celebrity. For example, OJ was beloved. Phil Spector was not. We got A LOT of mileage out of OJ. Not so much, with Spector. If this is a possibility, God, please think Tom Hanks/Ron Howard/Barry Manilow.

In return for your cooperation on this, we in the media would be happy to play that Mel Gibson movie, where they beat the holy crap out of your son, for two hours. As ad rates are down this year, though, we would insist on "digitally enhancing" the movie, in order to provide a minimal amount of "product placement." This would more than help to cover our losses, after you dropped the ball on the whole "Gustav" thing. For example:

Guy #1: Let's beat him some more!!

Guy #2: Yeah!!! Then, let's crucify him!!!!

Digitally Added Guy: Yeah!!! And, let's do it with lumber we bought at Home Depot....Home Depot. You can do it. We can help.

Or, how about this:

Woman: They're killing Jesus. We have to help.

Man: If we try, they'll just kill us, too.

Digitally Added Guy: Why don't we sit back, and talk about this over a nice bowl of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup.......Campbell's Soup is mmmmm-mmmmmm good.

Of course, the details would have to be worked out, and we understand that. We also realize that many of us dodged a bullet, by NOT having to go to the Republican National Convention.

Before we move forward, we in the media would like to offer this bit of advice to God. While you have a good amount of experience running a universe, we find your programming instincts to be severely lacking. So, just remember this:

Boobs, babes, sex, dead babies, destruction, natural disasters, corrupt politicians, and racial unrest = MONEY

Happy people, sunshine, puppies, kittens, long walks in the park, and ugly people = WE ARE LOOKING FOR A NEW NETWORK EXECTUTIVE.

Don't consider this in any way, shape, or form a threat. We don't WANT to have to find a new God......But, that doesn't mean that we won't.