What Have You Done For Steven, Today?

I know the economy is bad. I read the paper. At the VERY least, I look at the pictures and see lots of people, with serious looks on their faces. This tells me that SOMETHING bad is going on. 9 times out of 10 the word "economy" is in the headline. Okay, so while I don't ALWAYS read the stories, the pictures make me sad. That should count for something.

But, while you are dressing your children in clothes that are "soooo last season," and putting on your sad faces, on the outside chance that a newspaper photographer is around, I would like you to consider one person.

Steven Spielberg.

That's right, you selfish booger head.

While YOU are busying yourself, trying to figure out how you are going to buy food, or make your next house payment, Steven Spielberg is having some of his own issues. YOU probably didn't even stop to think about how the current crisis was affecting Steven.

How do you sleep at night?

He didn't have to make E.T., or Jaws, or that black-and-white movie about that guy who did all that stuff for those Jewish people. But, he did. And he did it without one single thought for himself.

Now, in this time of economic hardship, Steven needs your help. I think you owe it to him to give it.

You see, Steven, and the other multi-gazillionaires that own Dreamworks, are anxiously awaiting word on a $500 million dollar loan.

They NEED this money. If they don't get it, they are going to be forced to continue their relationship with Paramount Pictures. I shudder to think of what this could mean.

Would the movies change?

Well.....no.

Would there be less movies?

Uhhh.....No, actually. They have to do 6 a year. So, either way, we'd get 6 movies.

Would Steven's movies lose their integrity?

Oh....well.....No. They'd be the same movies he makes now.

Would the Dreamworks logo be followed, on screen, by that big mountain, with the little stars flying around it?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!

THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you KNOW what this would mean?

That's right.......Steven would be unhappy.

Do you remember, back in the 80's, when we all gave hundreds of millions of dollars to the Ethiopians, because they were unhappy with God for making them live in Ethiopia?

Nobody batted an eye at that.

Well, this is the same thing.

The only difference is that the money for the Ethiopians went right into the hands of the Ethiopian war lords, and did nothing to improve the lives of the Ethiopians (can you tell that I like saying the word "Ethiopians?"). To my knowledge, Dreamworks HAS no warlords. So, all this money should, God willing, go directly into the hands of Steven Spielberg.

Plus, we won't have to deal with that annoying, freaking, We Are The World song. Though, I can imagine a scenario where a bunch of rich singers get together, and record a song for Steven, to the tune of it.

We Love You Steeeeeve....

We Love Your Movieees....

We Love The One

About The Little Guy

With The Glowing Fingerrrrrrrrrr.......

It would be sad, and we would all buy it, and Steven would probably get his money. But, my ears would bleed. I hate it when my ears bleed.

Now, the problem here is that, in order to get $500 million, they have to get a loan for several hundred million MORE, in order to ensure that they'll be able to pay back the initial $500 million. So, as near as I can tell, they need to borrow $300 million, so that they can get the $500 million, in order to use the $300 million to prove that they will be able to pay back the $500 million, which they won't be able to do UNLESS they get the $300 million, which they need in order to get approved for the $500 million.

Got it?

Good.

Of course, they could just make GOOD movies. Movies that people would want to see. But, this is Hollywood, and Hollywood doesn't worry about making GOOD movies. They just worry about making ANY movies, which is why people like Dane Cook EVER get to make a movie. They don't have to be good. They just have to be....sort of....there.

My point here is this: Steven can't get his loan, and make himself happy, if you don't stop defaulting on YOUR loans, and causing banks to foreclose on YOUR houses. If you wouldn't mind NOT doing that, then there would be plenty of money laying around to make Steven happy.

Take one for the team.....

Get a fifth job.....

Stop buying frivolous things, like gas...

Sell the older children into the sex trade...

Without these sacrifices Steven can't be happy....

When Steven isn't happy, we get things like 1941.....

Or, Hook......

Or, Always.....

Or, Amistad

I don't think ANY of us wants that.

Make Steven happy.

Pay your damn bills.

Casey

DON'T FORGET, OR I WILL KILL YOU, THAT THIS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER I, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY ALONGSIDE TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING, AND STAND A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF BEING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED BY A LOT OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN, IN ROLLER SKATES. DOES IT GET BETTER THAN THAT? THE ACTION STARTS AT 7PM, THIS SATURDAY NIGHT. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.