This Is The Life....

This Is The Life....

I often refuse to listen to people, when they give me advice.

"No," I will say. "I'm sure that EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET has had this issue. But, I'm sure it will be different for me. I'm Casey."

It was due to this incredible level of stupidity that I bought a house with a pool. It's not like I NEED a pool. I live about an hour from the entire Atlantic ocean. Who needs a pool when the ocean is RIGHT THERE!?!!

I didn't have a pool when I lived in Southern California. Do you know why? Because the entire Pacific ocean was RIGHT THERE!!!! If I wanted to get wet, I would hop in my car and drive to the beach. Done.

I will say, though, that one of the stupider things about living in New Jersey is that you have to pay to use the beach. We didn't have to pay to use the beach in California, or Florida, when I lived there. I have friends in Texas who don't have to pay to use the beach. Plus, I went to Delaware once, and just walked right on the beach. Didn't have to pay a dime. Kind of makes you think it's a stupid rule. Though, in all those other places, we didn't have medical waste washing up on the beach on a regular basis. I guess you have to pay for those kinds of perks.

Anyway, I have a pool.

In the 2 months that I have lived in my house, I have spent approximately :45 minutes in the pool. That is, of course, unless you count the time I had to jump in to save my stupid dog, who fell in. It's an enormous hole in the ground!!! How did she NOT see it!?!! She's a greyhound. Greyhounds are what they call sight hounds. She's supposed to have REALLY good eyes. How does a dog that can see a gopher, at 50 yards, NOT see a giant pool that's 2 feet in front of her? Stupid dog. Anyway, if you count THAT time, I have spent about :47 minutes in my pool, total, since I moved in.

On the flip side, I have spent close to 47 HOURS, and about $500, working on the pool. Working on the pool is when you stand around the outside of the pool, and scrape the algae off of the sides, sift leaves out of it, and dump bottle after bottle of chemicals with names I can't pronounce, in the pool. Then, you wait for 12 hours before you can actually SWIM in your pool. If you don't wait, you or your children will go blind from chemical exposure.

Now, after waiting 12 hours, you will have to take a small sample of your water to the pool store. They will, then, test your water for you. this usually a free service. This makes you happy because NOTHING about owning a pool is free. Of course, after performing this "free" service, a 16 year old girl will get a very concerned look on her face, shake her head, and say something like this:

Pool Girl: Hmmmm......

Me: Is there something wrong?

Pool Girl: It's probably nothing. But......

Me: But, what?

Pool Girl: Well, the onomatopoeia mononucleosis first person nominative level is off.

Me: Uhhhhhhh......

Pool Girl: That's bad.

Me: Bad?

Pool Girl: Could cause AIDS.....

Me: I don't think that's how you catch.....

Pool Girl: And Ebola.....

Me: Uhhh...Are you the only person here?

Pool Girl: And SARS.....

Me: I thought that was in Asia.....

Pool Girl: You need chemicals.

Me: More chemicals?

Pool Girl: LOTS of chemicals.

Me: Uhh.....Which chemicals do I need?

Pool Girl: Just grab the biggest, most expensive bottle you can find.

Me: None of these bottles are labeled.

Pool Girl: Doesn't matter. It's all just colored water, anyway.

Me: Wait.....What?

Pool Girl: That'll be $200.

Me: But, I don't think.....

Pool Girl: Debit or credit?

Me: Uh....Debit, I guess.....

Pool Girl: And don't forget to stay out of the pool for 12 hours.

Me: But, you said it was just water.....

Pool Girl: DO YOU WANT TO GO BLIND!?!!

Me: Well, no. But, I.....

Pool Girl: Say goodbye.

Me: Oh...uh.....Goodbye.

Then, I will go home and dump the colored water into my pool, wait for 12 hours, and start the whole process all over again. Cautiously waiting for 12 hours before I go give them more of my money. I wouldn't want them to go blind, too.

This is a scam. I'm thinking of opening a pool store myself. I'll make a million bucks, and all I will have to do is master the "concerned" look, and tell people that they need to dump more chemicals in their pool. If they don't, of course, they will go blind. This is the main reason that you never see anybody actually IN their pools. Fear of blindness.

The only people that get to actually swim in their pools are the people who pay $100 a week for someone from the pool store to come out, and stare at their pool. Then, the person will laugh because they just made $100 to stand in your backyard for 5 minutes, and dump some colored water in. Just to be nice, though, they will tell you that your pool is safe to swim in. It's those of us who are foolish enough to try and care for our own pools who never get to swim in them. We don't have time, anyway. We're too busy driving back and forth from the pool store.

I don't know why you need to dump chemicals, and risk blindness. I mean, we all swim in the ocean, and in lakes, where there are any number of fish pooping, and have "fish sex," and we hardly ever get sick. Yet, if I fill a cement lined hole, with water out of my hose, I have to run a major science project. I would DRINK the water out of that hose!! Why can't I swim in it?

Something about that ain't right.

Now, Friday, I will be spending another pile of money to have someone come out and "close" my pool. They will drain some water, dump some fake chemicals in, and put the cover on so that it will be ready to withstand the winter. They take great care in doing this. It's because they know that, if my pool breaks, I won't be coming in every week to give them my money. So, they want to make sure it's done right.

But, come next summer, when I pay them even MORE MONEY to come out and "open" my pool, you will all be jealous. Because, while you're sitting in your air conditioned house, protected from all the heat, I'll be standing in my backyard. I'll walk around my pool, as the sun reflects off the water, and think about how wonderful it will be to jump in.......In 12 hours.......after I get the water checked......and give a high school student $350 for some concoction that will keep mosquitos, carrying the West Nile Virus, out of my pool......and 12 more short hours later, I'll........be dumping more chemicals in, because the PHQ level, whatever that is, has gotten out of control........But, 12 hours after that.........Oh, screw it.....

I'm going to the beach.

Casey

DON'T FORGET, THIS SATURDAY AT 7PM I'LL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT, BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS, AND THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AND TRCIA LA'VICIOUS WILL BE CALLING ALL THE ACTION FOR THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. COME ON OUT, HAVE SOME FUN, ENJOY THE BOUT AND DON'T FORGET TO COME OVER AND SAY HI. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN!!!!