Ladies And Gentlemen, Please Rise For The Honorable...Val Kilmer...No, Really....Come On...Get Up!!!

What is it about celebrities that makes them think they are qualified to do.....you know......ANYTHING?

In fact, what is it about celebrities that makes them think that anybody, AT ALL, cares about what they say?

I only bring this up because Val Kilmer (yes THAT Val Kilmer) is apparently considering a run for Governor of New Mexico.

That's right. Val Kilmer wants to be Governor......

Of a state.......

In America.....

I just got chills....

I'm just wondering which of his many film roles would qualify him to be Governor of an honest-to-God state.

Could it be his role as the K.I.T.T, the talking car, in TV's new Knight Rider?

No. That couldn't be it.

How about his tough, yet tender performance as Madmartigan in the Ron Howard classic, Willow?

Hmmmm.....Probably not.

I know.....It had to be his role as Eric, in the ABC Afterschool Special: One Too Many, about some kids whose lives are changed after one of their friends drives drunk with "devastating" results.

THAT must be it.

Because, in order to think he is qualified to be Governor, he MUST have had one too many. (I apologize for the obvious, and cheesy joke.)

You notice I did not mention his role as Jim Morrison in The Doors. There's a reason for this. That movie was SO bad, that I didn't want to talk about it out of fear that someone MIGHT want to watch it, just to see how bad it is............And I just did.........DAMN IT!!!

Anyway, it's usually during an election year that I find myself increasingly annoyed by famous people, who think their opinions matter, because they made a movie about something.

I'm going to say something, now, that is going to scare some of you. If you are weak of heart, please don't read it. You have been warned.....

When a celebrity makes a movie about ANYTHING, 9 times out of 10 they are portraying characters, and saying words that.......here's the scary part........SOMEONE ELSE HAS WRITTEN!!!!!!

I know. It turns out that movies aren't little documentaries, where someone just happened to be following famous people around with a camera, recording everything they did. It seems that these things are not only planned, but often times EDITED in order to make the people in them look particularly good.

It's a giant fraud perpetrated on the American people, is what it is.

Who knew that Angelina Jolie was just some tattoo covered freak, who collects foreign children like old women collect cats, and wasn't nearly as intellectual as she wants us to think? This is, after all, a woman who made out with her own brother, at one point.

Does Barbara Striesand REALLY think we care what she thinks about politics?

Does Rosie O'Donnel REALLY think we care what she thinks about the war?

Does Don Henley REALLY think we care what he has to say about the environment?

Honestly, yes, they do. We don't. But, yes, they think we do.

They just don't seem to understand that we go see them sing, because they can sing. We go see them in movies, because they aren't being themselves. They're ACTING. If most of these boobs stood in front of a camera, and blathered on about Darfur for 90 minutes, we would all throw old vegetables at the screen. In fact, this is the very reason that I always bring a supply of old vegetables to the movies with me. In case they break character, and start preaching. It's always better to be prepared, if you ask me.

If you would like an example of just how much we care about what they say, just ask President Kerry......You know......President John Kerry? He won the election in 2004, after Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews, and a few others, toured in support of him. Remember? Then he won the election, right? I mean, he MUST have. All those famous people TOLD us to vote for him.

Wait.....Maybe I'm thinking about 2000, when Al Gore won. I know he won, because Alec Baldwin said that, if Bush won, he'd move to Australia. Since Alec Baldwin didn't move to Australia, I can only assume that Gore won.

No?

He didn't?

Probably just as well. Alec Baldwin needed to stay in America, so that he could leave demeaning messages, for his young daughter that her mother (another glorious celebrity, Kim Bassinger) could leak to the media. It would be hard to do that from Australia. I don't think they have phones, there.

(Author's Note: Please spare me ANY comments about how Gore actually won. It's been 8 years. Get over it.)

I know some of you are going to mention Arnold, in California, and Ronald Reagan, of course. You have to remember that most of Arnold's work, as Governor, is PR. I hate to get too serious on you, but due to the way the constitution is, in California, most of the governor's work is done for him. He has very little wiggle room. He just has to make sure that things are TOO screwed up (it is California, after all), and that he just comes off as likeable. He does both of those things. But, it is still kind of laughable that he's the governor. I mean, come on.....

As for Reagan, he may be the lone anomaly. He was a VERY politically active person, in Hollywood. By that, I don't mean that he showed up at fundraisers, and had his picture taken. Nope. He gave speeches, and answered questions, and stood up for what he believed in. Plus, he had all but given up acting when he decided to run for office. Before everyone jumps down my little Republican throat, he started doing all this AS A DEMOCRAT. He became a Republican, later. The point being that he didn't just stamp his feet, and hold his breath. He got involved. He didn't just decide that he wanted to run for office, one day, and that he would win because people knew who he was, and nothing more. AND he made . How do you NOT love a guy who made ? If you don't, you have no heart. It does, after all, have a chimp in it. If there's a bad movie about a chimp, I haven't seen it.

But, I'm not hear to shill for Reagan. He is, after all, dead. I never voted for him, and he can't run again. I don't particularly care what you, or me for that matter, think about him.

We're talking about the soon-to-be-honorable Val Kilmer.

Right now I would just like to sit back, and ponder what Ice, from Top Gun would do about immigration. Or, what Chris, from Real Genius would do about gas prices. How about what Elvis, from True Romance (yes THAT Elvis), would do about property taxes.

Not that anyone knows, because he hasn't told us, and probably won't. But, we know his name, and THAT makes him qualified.

Though, he DID get to make out with Mira Sorvino in At First Sight. If he's willing to talk, in great detail, about that I might vote for him. I might even move to New Mexico to do it. But, I will not move to Australia. Apparently, there are no phones, there.

Casey

WE ARE JUST A FEW SHORT DAYS AWAY FROM MY DEBUT AT CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AS I ANNOUNCE THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. IT TAKES PLACE THIS SATURDAY, AT 7PM. THEY TELL ME THAT THIS IS THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. THEY ALSO TELL ME THAT NONE OF THE ROLLER GIRLS WILL BEAT ME UP. I'M HOPING THAT AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE IS TRUE. BUT, THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS ARE TAKING ON THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS, AND IT SHOULD BE LOADS OF FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. IF NOTHING ELSE COME OUT AND SEE ME MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF. I MIGHT EVEN GET BEAT UP BY A BUNCH OF GIRLS. THAT ALONE WOULD BE WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION.