Sound Fatherly Advice....And Mine

When one is a parent, one is sometimes forced to deal with things. You see, God has a sense of humor (hence my hairline), and in one of his more "zany" moments, he opted to give children mouths. Not that this is an entirely bad idea. I mean, they gotta eat, right?

Possibly more troubling than the "mouth" issue is the fact that he gave them brains, too. When these evil creations work in unison, nothing good can come of it. I don't know that this is entirely horrible with boys. Mine can't talk, yet. When he can, if he's anything like his father, most of the questions will probably have to do with "boogers."

When a man has a daughter, you must beware the "question" phase of your relationship. The big problem with this is that, as with most women, your own daughter will ease you along with a variety of seemingly innocent questions. "Daddy, how do they make rocks?" Or, "Daddy, why is the grass green?" Or, "Daddy, why did you pause the Tivo on the scene with all the cheerleaders?"

Then...........BAM!!!!!

God's little punchline kicks in.

The questions become hard. It's like jumping from finger painting to quantum physics. Luckily, some of us fathers' deal with this in a mature, thoughtful, intelligent manner......And, some of us are named Casey Bartholomew, and are still seeking the answers to the great "booger" questions of our youth.

Since I am old (38 and counting), and I have other friends who have daughters.....Friends who don't think it's funny to teach their kids the wrong words for things.....I have compiled a list of questions asked by their little girls, and the answers that they have given.....along with the answers that I have given. I'll leave it to you to decide whose daughter is going to end up with a PHD, and whose daughter is going to be able to provide her father with a free flowing supply of chicken mc nuggets.

QUESTION:

Daddy, why do girls have boobs?

GOOD FATHER ANSWER:

Actually, sweetie, the proper way to say it is "breasts." But, to answer your question, when God was making people, he decided that there should be a natural way for a mother to not only provide food for her baby, but also be able to bond with them. So, he gave mommies breasts so that they would be able to develop that special bond. This is a kind of special bond that will last until mommy is watching over you from heaven.

CASEY'S ANSWER:

Hehehehe.....You said boobs.


QUESTION:

Daddy, what's it mean when a boy says that he wants to kiss you?

GOOD FATHER ANSWER:

Oh, baby. It means that he probably has a little crush on you. But, you're a little to young to be doing things like that. I think you should tell him that you guys are just friends. If, in a couple of years, he still feels the same way then you can just bring him home to meet the old man, and we'll see about you guys going on a real date, okay?

CASEY'S ANSWER:

See if you can find out how much money his parents make. Then, don't come right out and say it, but let him know that you might be open to the idea of kissing him. When he finally does, start crying and run to one of your teachers. Then, come home and tell daddy, right away. I have a lawyer on retainer for just this kind of thing.


QUESTION:

Daddy, where do babies come from?

GOOD FATHER ANSWER:

When mommies and daddys' love each other, they do something very special to show that love. Sometimes out of that, a beautiful little baby comes into the world. When that happens, a little angel comes down from heaven to make the world a better place.

CASEY'S ANSWER:

China, usually. Sometimes Russia. Now, stop bugging me. I'm trying to watch the Spanish soap operas.


QUESTION:

Daddy, what's a period?

GOOD FATHER ANSWER:

Sweetie, I think that's something that you would be more comfortable talking with mommy about.

CASEY'S ANSWER:

That's when daddy breathes a BIG sigh of relief.......Hehehehe....You said period.


QUESTION:

Daddy, what's sex?

GOOD FATHER ANSWER:

Well, honey, remember when you asked me where babies come from? Well, sex is something that a man and a woman do, when they are in love. You'll know when the time is right, because some special boy will have asked you to marry him. And, on your wedding night, the two of you will share something special that only a man and a wife can share. I think I might cry, just thinking about it. I'll be so happy for you.

CASEY'S ANSWER:

Sss....uh.....sex?.....Oh......Uh.....That's uh........That would be when.......Well.....you know.....boys and girls......They.....uh........Well......You know how you have those pictures of the Jonas Brothers up in your room?......Well, you think they're cute........And.....uh.......And......Someday, you might think a boy is cute.....And.......Well.......Sex?.......Was it sex?..........Oh.........Uh..........It's a car..........A German car, I think.......I wouldn't ever drive one, if I were you......And, if a boy ever tells you that he WANTS to drive one with you, tell me........He will need to be killed, dead.

So, as you can clearly see, some fathers will be sugarcoating reality for their little girls. I, on the other hand, will be force feeding the facts of life to my little girl.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to head down to McDonald's to get my daughter and application. She's 8 1/2. I don't see any reason in delaying the inevitable.

DON'T FORGET THAT THIS WEEKEND, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS, AND THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS. IT'S TAKING PLACE AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT, STARTING AT 7PM. COME ON DOWN AND SEE TRICIA LA"VICIOUS AND ME, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AND HAVE SOME FUN. IF YOU DON'T, I WILL BE FORCED TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTERS ABOUT SEX. I DON'T THINK ANY OF US WANTS THAT.

Casey