EAT LEAD, JUSTICE LEAGUE!!!!

I got bitten by a spider, or some multi-legged creature, this past weekend.

So, you are probably wondering how my super powers are coming along.

Not so good.

I still have to wear glasses.

My body mass is still, shall we say, squishy....at best.

My web making abilities are taking a little longer to come in than I had hoped.

When I was working in my basement, instead of being able to SEE the boxes starting to fall and being able to leap out of harms way, they just sort of fell on my head.

I am not climbing any walls.

AND, Kirsten Dunst has not returned a single one of my phone calls. In fact, based on some certified letters I have received, I don't think she'll be coming over anytime soon, and being forced to stay 500 feet away is NOT conducive to making out.

I'll begin saving the world as soon as everything kicks in. As much as I can, anyway. Seriously, if he was really that big of a pain in the ass, to villains, why didn't they just shoot him? He wasn't bulletproof. Sure, he has spider senses. But, I imagine that's only really effective against one, maybe two guns. If he's right there, just get a bunch of guys with machine guns to blow him away. Done. Now you can get back to your evil doing ways.

If you think about it, guns would really solve most of your basic superhero problems.

The Green Lantern?

Basically, just a guy with a ring. A ring that has to be charged. When he puts his ring on the charger, BAM. Done. No more Green Lantern.

Aquaman?

We've been over this one. He's barely a superhero as it is. Honestly, I might save the bullet. But, if you have to do it, wait until he's out of the water. He's useless. Kind of like me, if you need anything physical done. BAM. No more Aquaman.

Batman?

This one creates a problem for some. Apparently, his biggest power is that he's REALLY smart. So, yeah...He's smart....Can he think a bullet away? No? Really? Didn't think so. What's that you say? The suit? He doesn't always wear the suit. Sometimes he's Bruce Wayne. BAM. No more Bruce Wayne equals no more Batman.

The Flash creates a problem. As soon as he heard the gun cock, he'd run like the tights-wearing-sissy that he is. But, really, is that a problem?

Bad Guy #1: Now, we'll launch our master plan to take over the world!!!!!

Bad Guy #2: Yeah. The governments will kneel before us.....Oh no.....The Flash is here!!!

Bad Guy #1: What's he doing?

Bad Guy #2: Just.....sort of.....running around, really.

Bad Guy #1: Oh....Well....Granted, that's a little annoying. But, I don't think that should stop us.

Bad Guy #2: Agreed.

Bad Guy #1: Can we shoot him?

Bad Guy #2: I think he's too fast.

Bad Guy #1: Okay......Whatever.....Let's do this thing.

Superman, of course, creates a problem. He's bulletproof. You can shoot at him all day, and he'll just get bored. Luckily, every boneheaded criminal on the planet seems to be able to get their hands on kryptonite. The common flaw is that they ALL do something stupid.

Bad Guy #1: Where'd you get the kryptonite?

Bad Guy #2: Ebay. I outbid this guy from a comic book store in New Brunswick, New Jersey.

Bad Guy #1: Good job.

Bad Guy #2: Thanks. It was more than I wanted to pay. But, I figured that, since we were trying to take over the world, it would be a good thing to kill Superman.

Bad Guy #1: Yep. Well, I guess we should go and get started.

Bad Guy #2: Are you sure? I don't think he's dead yet.

Bad Guy #1: Oh, he's mostly dead.

Bad Guy #2: Shouldn't we make sure he's ALL dead? I mean, he IS Superman.

Bad Guy #1: No....Come on....I wanna get this started. Make sure you take the kryptonite off him, too.

Bad Guy #2: Why don't we just leave it on him, and make sure he dies? I mean, we don't have to be here for that.

Bad Guy #1: Why do you argue with me? It makes PERFECT sense to take the kryptonite, which we can do NOTHING with, off of him when we leave......I swear.....Sometimes I think I'm the only one here who WANTS to take over the world.

Bad Guy #2: No, no. You're right. I'm sorry. I'll take the kryptonite, which we can't use for anything else, off of the MOSTLY dead superhero, and we can go. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

Bad Guy #1: Thank you. I'm sorry I snapped.

Bad Guy #2: It's okay. I understand. The stress of taking over the world, and all.

Bad Guy #1: Where is The Flash?

Bad Guy #2: Uhhhhhh....Still just, kind of, runnin' around out there.

Bad Guy #1: Okay, good.

That's not how I would do it. I would leave the kryptonite ON Superman, and just let him fade away and die. Then, I would rule the world, and you would ALL be forced to talk like Kermit the Frog, and watch "Mystery Science Theater 3000" for the rest of your lives. Would that be so bad?

Someone just asked me about Wonder Woman, because she has those bracelets. That's simple. She only has 2 bracelets. If I bring 3 guns, I fail to see the problem in taking her out.

I believe that, if I have done nothing else, I have proven that there aren't many superhero-related problems that a gun can't solve. Personally, I don't have a gun. I would shoot myself. Not on purpose, mind you. But, I would play with it, or something, and shoot myself in the head. However, based on today's blog, this may be an improvement.

So, barring that, I will have to depend on my pending super spider powers to save you ALL from evil!!!!

Right now, these powers consist of nothing more than a small, itchy welt on my left arm.

I don't think this will instill fear in the hearts of the bad guys......Even though it's REALLY itchy.

Maybe I'll just buy a gun.

Casey