Boxing Casey

I'm about to become an amputee.

I know that some people find that sexy. But, I don't think I'm going to lose one of my "sexy" appendages. What are the sexy appendages, anyway? I would think, maybe, the legs? Could be kind of a power trip. With no legs, they can't get away, right? You are in complete control. So, if you're into that sort of thing, I would think you would want someone without legs. But, this is just off the top of my head. I haven't done any actual research. I know there are "fetish" websites, and such. But, I'm too embarrassed to look at them. So, I'll just go with my gut. Legs.

I did see that movie, "Boxing Helana," though. It's nothing I want to pursue, but a Sherilyn Fenn with no arms or legs, dressed in lingerie, and propped up in a box, does have a certain measure of appeal.

Hmmmmmmm........

Perhaps this could be a lesson in how we should not rush to judgement. However, I doubt most amputees look like Sherilyn Fenn. But, again, I don't KNOW this because I don't go to those sites. Maybe I should. Just once. You know. For Research.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yeah.....

I'm about to lose my thumb.

You see, over the weekend, I was attacked by a giant, mutant piece of wood, which launched a splinter deep within the soft, white, underbelly of my left thumb.

I can't get it out.

It is, at this point in time, a nice, bright, glowing hue of red. Which I think means that it is infected.

I tried biting at it, but that did no good. All I accomplished, there, was tasting my own blood. (Kinda salty. In case you were wondering.)

So, I went high-tech. Tweezers. All this allowed me to do was see more of my blood (No. I did not go back for seconds.) After a period of time, I became, to use a medical term, "WOOZY." So, before I passed out, i decided to stop performing medical procedures on myself. This will become more common, if we ever get universal healthcare, where they encourage you to "self diagnose." But, for now, I opted to stop while I still had some feeling in my thumb.

The latest "procedure" that people are suggesting is using a needle. Apparently, in this ultra safe method, you super heat a random sewing needle, with FIRE, and then dig it into your flesh until the offending splinter starts laughing so hard at your stupidity, that it comes shooting out of your body. I'm gonna hold off on this one.

I wouldn't mind, so much, losing my thumb if this had come from a piece of my own wood. It didn't. I was cleaning out the garage, over the weekend, and had to dig through several boxes of other people's stuff, which my wife has forced me to move from house, to house, to house over the years. One can only assume that this was part of her master plan. Hoping that, at some point, I would do something stupid, and one of the pieces of junk would actually kill me. Playing the odds, it's actually not a bad plan. I do many stupid things.

So, from every house we have ever lived in, we have packed the worthless crap that OTHER people were smart enough to leave behind, and brought it with us.

We have a set of ugly curtains, that people have intentionally left behind, from every house we have ever lived in. We don't put them up. They're ugly. That's why the people left them behind.

We have two sets of patio furniture. TWO. Most people don't have one. We have two. One came from Michigan, and the other came from South Carolina. Other people left these behind. We took 'em. Cuz, you know, you NEVER know when you're going to need an extra set of ugly patio furniture.

That's just the tip of the iceburg. We have boxes of crap, that other people didn't want, but HAD to keep. My wife's justification for all of this is a charitable one. When I ask her if we can throw this stuff away, she says no. When I ask why, she says that we will donate it. When my wife says that we will "donate it," this is actually code for "We will keep it, and spend thousands of dollars moving it all over the country, in the hope that it will eventually kill you."

The problem is that it took too long for me to figure this out.

So, Sunday, as I was innocently moving a pile of old shelves, that do not belong to us, I was viscously attacked by a plank of wood.

Now I have a splinter.....

That is throbbing.....

And turning bright red.....

And poisoning my blood.....

And my thumb is, almost literally, dangling by a small thread of flesh, that is barely connected to my hand.

For the rest of my life, I will drop EVERYTHING that I try to pick up with my left hand. Which is probably why a "thumb amputee" is not even remotely sexy.

It's gotta be the legs.

I think I'm gonna go check out some of those websites.

Research purposes only. I swear.

Casey