An Orange By Any Other Name.....

Everybody should vote.

There.

I said it.

Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.

Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.

For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.

You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.

But, I digress.

One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.

Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?

My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?

Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......

My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.

Me: Oh....How about blue?

My Wife: Shut up.

I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."

Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.

So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.

"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"

Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.

Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.

Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.

My Wife: Terracotta.

Me: Terra-whatta?

My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.

Me: Orange?

My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.

Me: You said it was like rust.

My Wife: Yes.

Me: Which is orange.

My Wife: Yes.

Me: But, this is NOT orange.

My Wife: No.

Me: It's Terracotta.

My Wife: Yes.

Me: My head hurts.

My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.

Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?

My Wife: We're getting new countertops.

Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?

My Wife: I changed our mind.

Me: You changed OUR mind?

My Wife: Yes.

Me: That's how it works?

My Wife: Yes.

Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?

My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.

Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?

My Wife: Yes.

Me: Man, that's cold.

My Wife: Deal with it.


So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.

The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.

Casey