Much to my shock, I came in late for the "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, the other night. I've always been a big fan of the Charlie Brown specials. I think it's because I relate to him, so well.
A) Many people tolerate me. But, I have few friends.
B) Bad things happen to me for seemingly no good reason.
C) That bitch next door NEVER lets me kick the football.
I was annoyed, though, when I tuned in and found that I had missed my traditional "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, and had to deal with what they call the "second half."
Most of the Charlie Brown specials are considered "classics," now. So, in order to cash in on that, the studio has taken to adding on the "second half." It's an updated portion, not nearly as good, that they slapped together in order to make more money off of it. They do the same thing with the Christmas and Valentine's Day specials.
SACRILEGE
So the other night, having missed the REAL special, I was forced to endure the "Charlie Brown" version of the Pilgrams coming over on the Mayflower.
Sure, there was death, disease, and famine. But, a few zesty quips from Lucy, and all was well.
In this special "the gang," if you will, and several adults came to the new world. That's another thing. These were adults who actually SPOKE!! Adults DON'T speak in the Peanuts cartoons. More Heresey!!! The adults are not only NOT supposed to be seen, but when they talk it is in a non-descript tone. Sort of how my wife sounds when she talks to me.
Anyway, in this new special, they all come to America, get sick, survive, and meet the indians. The indians, of course, are THRILLED to meet the creepy new people.
(I'm paraphrasing here)
Peanuts Guy: Wow, isn't the new world great!?!! And, look!! Here come some indians.
Indian Guy: Ugh! We-um welcome you-um to our land-um. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Well, that's just super special of you. Do you know anywhere that we could pick up some food, or something, for dinner?
Indian Guy: Ugh. We have-um no stores. But, we will help-um you to learn-um to grow heap big crops, to feed-um your people. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Gosh, you guys sure are nice. I think we should have some kind of party, where we can give thanks, and celebrate all this good will.
Indian Guy: Ugh.
Please note that this "special" made no mention of the pending slaughter that was to take place in the coming years. It also made being a pilgram, in the dead of winter, seem SLIGHTLY more problematic than a two-week vacation in Maui.
It was bland.
It was boring.
It was NOT what I wanted to see.
If you want to update Peanuts for a modern, "Grand Theft Auto" audience, and maintain a certain level of reality, I think it should have gone more like this.
Charlie Brown: Who the hell is that?
Linus: I think that's one of them indians.
Indian Guy: Hey, how you guys doin'? Just wanted to swing by, say hello, and welcome you all to the area.
Charlie Brown: You just came by to say "hi," huh?
Indian Guy: Yeah, you know....Oh....My wife put together this little basket for you guys. It's got some maze, and some hemp, and a little tobacco for the old peace pipe, if you know what I'm saying.
Charlie Brown (plunging a jagged rock into the indian's chest): DIE, YOU GODLESS, SAVAGE BASTARD!!!!!!!!
Linus: I don't think that's a very good idea, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown (ripping the indians heart out of his chest): TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE, SAVAGE!!!!!!
Linus: Good grief.
Lucy: Charlie Brown, you're a block head.
Charlie Brown (eating the now dead indians heart): I'M EATING HIS SOUL!!!!! I'M EATING HIS SAVAGE SOUL!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA!!!!!!
Peppermint Patty: Hey Marcy, while they're slaughtering the indians, and eating their souls, why don't you and me go out in the woods and explore some of these "not-so-veiled" feelings we've been having?
Marcy: Yes, sir.
Now, I'm not saying that that is the way that it SHOULD be. I'm just trying to think of a way to bring it into the 21st century. I want my children to have the same fondness and love, for the Peanuts specials, that I had growing up.
Is that so wrong?
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get back to work on my updated version of "The Grinch," where the Grinch rips off Cindy Lou Who's head, and drinks the still warm blood from her body.
I'm JUST trying to deal with reality, here, folks.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Casey
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3 comments:
I've often appreciated your off-beat, wry sense of humor...until today. Today you've frightened me. Seek help or figure out a way to relieve your pent-up stress. I'll stick with the "old" Charlie Brown.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I too often appreciate your off-beat, wry sense of humor.... unless its just not funny. This is not very funny. Your better when your not trying so hard. Keep it real.
Hahahaha! What both disturbs and amuses me most is the fact that coming closer to the truth -- even if you've, um, exaggerated it slightly -- upsets people so much. Heaven forfend we remember that Thanksgiving wasn't nearly as clean, happy and sanitized as we were taught in school! Thanks for the chuckle, I don't always agree with you but this made me smile.
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