I'm taking Monday off so that I can place myself further into financial ruin.
I'm closing on my house.
So, in order to celebrate going several hundred thousand dollars into debt, I'm going to take a day off of work. Somehow this doesn't make sense. At a point when I need money, more than ever, I've decided NOT to go to work.
I don't own a house, now. I've owned houses in the past. But, right now, the house my family lives in is owned by my in-laws. They claim this was to help them with tax issues. I think it was so that they could control my life.
Me: I am the king of my castle!!!!
Mother-In-Law: Really? Because I was just looking at the deed, and....uh.....
Me: Shut-up.
Mother-In-Law: Don't talk to me like that in my house.
Me: I.......damn it........I'm going to my room.
Mother-In-Law: Your room?
Me: STOP IT!!!!!
My point being that, before Monday, I will have virtually no debt. Then, as if by magic, I will be thrust into a world of mortgage payments, and APR's, and re-financing, and flux capacitors', and such. And, when I say "me," I really mean "Brooke." My wife does that. I can't handle the money. I'll buy candy, and everybody knows it.
This has always been a problem with me, and money. I very rarely buy things I need (food,) but I often buy things that neither I, nor ANYONE else needs (Kermit The Frog hat.) I think my main problem is that I don't like shopping. So, I have to make it exciting. Sadly, at 38, buying a Kermit The Frog hat makes it exciting.
I suppose that I COULD buy exciting things. Lingerie? No. Can't buy that. If I buy anything for my wife, I have to do it online. I know that there are guys who CAN do that, and will make a big show of it. I'm not one of them. I think the big problem is that I'm 5'10", and my wife is 5'9". So, in my mind, anything that I buy for her LOOKS like it might fit me.......And I KNOW what they're thinking.
Lingerie Girl: Can I help you, sir?
Me: Yeah, I'm looking for something for my wife.
Lingerie Girl: Of course, sir. And, what size is your wife?
Me: I dunno. She's about my height. So.....
Lingerie Girl: Oh.......I see.
Me: Huh?
Lingerie Girl: Are you looking for something to sleep in? Or, do you want something to wear under your clothes?
Me: I.....Wait.....What?
Lingerie Girl: Do you prefer satin, or something in lace?
Me: Uhhhh....I don't think you understand.......
Lingerie Girl: (winking) Oh, I think I understand, sir. Lots of men come in for their...uh....WIVES.
Me: No....I.....I wear boxers....I'm not....
Lingerie Girl: We just got some new crotchless items in, if you're interested......
Me: NO!!! I have to go.......I have to buy.....tools......and.......things.....
So, I buy all that stuff (FOR MY WIFE!!!!) online. Then, when it arrives at my house, my wife opens it up, takes it out of the package, gives me that "knowing" look, and promptly puts it into her lingerie drawer which is where lingerie goes to die. If you listen closely, you can actually hear the garter belts screaming before she closes the door. Sad, really.
Can't blame a guy for trying.
So, I end up buying video games, and books, and candy, and such. I suppose that it's true that guys never really grow up. Especially me. I wear clothes that rarely match. Most days, I wear a baseball hat. I ALWAYS wear tennis shoes. This is why it's so odd that someone is going to loan me a pile of money to buy a house.
I wouldn't even give me a pile of money, to buy a house. I've never even MET the guy who's going to give it to me. If I had, I can't imagine that he would WANT to lend me this kind of money. There would certainly be better investments. Like......Oh.......I don't know......Setting it on fire.
When I go in, for the closing, on Monday I thought about wearing my suit. Yes, I have a suit. It's gray. That way I can wear it when someone dies, or gets married. But, I think it would be okay for a house closing. That way, the money guy would feel better about giving me money.
"Wow!!" he would say. "That gentleman in the suit is one mature, responsible, 38 year old, father of two. I have no problem loaning HIM all this money.......Wait a minute..........Is that a Pepe Le Pew tie that he's wearing?"
Sadly, yes. It is. The same one my father tied for me, two years ago and I keep pulling over my head, because I don't know how to tie a tie. I bought it when I bought the Kermit The Frog hat........AFTER I left the lingerie store......Wearing my boxers, damn it....... I SWEAR TO GOD!!!!!
Casey
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11 comments:
Your blogs are always good for a laugh!
Good luck with the house!
I will miss you, but I don't blame you for taking off from work on closing day of your house. By the time you're done, your head will be swimming. That might be one night you might get some sleep from exhaustion!
By the way, the cloths you wear, don't make a difference. Dress comfy but decent. LOL, that's why you have a lawyer. Let the Lawyer where the suit!
HEY! There is NOTHING wrong with Pepe La Pew ANYTHING! I knew there was a reason I liked you!
LOL, just kidding!
I have and had all kind of Pepe Le Pew stuff! Like Pepe socks, slippers, and other clothing items. Pepe & Penelope flower vase, 2 Anniversary clocks! Both where gifts from two separate people.
I have Pepe on my MySpace Profile page if you care to look...Hint, Hint!
I was mad when they closed the Warner Brothers store in the Quakerbridge Mall!
Pepe's Cool!
LOL...By the way, they have Pepe Le Pew boxers too!
OK...I READ AND REPLIED TO YOUR BLOG...SO DON'T SAY NOBODY READ YOUR BLOG!
Congratulations on soon to be, YOUR FAMILIES new home!
Your Friend & Fan,
Dorothy
You are too funny, and I find your voice incredibly sexy. IF your wife ever leaves you you can move in with me and my cats.
Good luck with the house closing.
Okay, you had me until "tennis shoes." A Jersey Guy wears sneakers! Embrace it!
Good luck on the closing. I found buying a house to be one of the most horrific experiences of our life. If you come out on the other side and can still afford some candy, then you did good.
Oh, and where is my prize? You did say there would be a prize, I know you did.
Good luck on the closing but you gotta be able to tie a tie. Even my 14 yo daughter can.
Ahh buying a house. It's always a lovely day. Sign here
and here
and here
and here
intial here
and here
and here
and here
and here
then
sign here
and here
and here
Sign here if youre an idiot, etc.
Want to have some real fun, close on two houses in one day. --faint--
As for the lingerie. Unless your wife slaps down the catalog (or emails you a picture) and shows you EXACTLY what she wants.
Save your money.
And it has nothing to do with her not wanting sex. But unless you two are going away, just the two of you and plan on doing nothing but, well "you know", it's never going to get worn.
If you want to buy your wife something to sleep in, just go to your local big store with a bullseye on it and go to their "lingere" section. There are some really cute two piece outfits (think shorts & tank tops) that I bet she would LOVE and look great in.
And once you've mastered that, could you please bring my husband and show him how it's done. He's not getting it either.
Enjoy going into debt!
I want to be able to edit my post or they need to enable spell check!
OK - I read it.
Are you happy now?
since your always bichin about no one reading that waste of words you call a blog, I figured I'd check it out. Thank god more peaple DON'T read it. I'd rather get an infected scrotum then read another one.
Your right, your blogs do SUCK!!!! Ray is the best part of that show. We want Craig back. You'll never be a jersey guy....
casey Thanks so much for the plug the other day, we are a non profit Org that is fighting so these scumbags have no rights.
I would love to talk to you I sent you an email with a lot of 411
barby Momaco
MomsAgainstPredators.org
I have so much sooo soooo much to say!
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