I Look Better When I'm Blurry

I have to get new glasses.

I hate getting new glasses. It's just another one of God's cruel little jokes.

God: Hey, Casey!!! I'm gonna let EVERYONE ELSE see perfectly. But, you my friend are going to have to wear metal, plastic, and glass on your face to be able to see. HA HA HA.....Isn't that funny!?!!

Me: Yeah, God. That's a good one....Boy, you're on fire today, aren't you......Thanks.

The big problem is that I'm ALREADY not very good looking to begin with. I'm not fishing for compliments, either. I have mirrors in my house. I know what I look like. I have two older brothers. Steve is good looking, tall, and smart. Tom is good looking, strong, and sensitive. So, that means that I exist off the genetic residue. I'm just Casey. Toss a pair of glasses on that, and it becomes a scene from "Night Of The Living Dead." Again, thanks God.

The other issue is that I just don't care how I look, and don't see the need for spending hundreds of dollars on "fashion glasses," when the black-framed, plastic ones will do the same job. I'm 38, married, with two kids. It's all downhill from here, looks-wise. Why not just embrace it!!!

So, I went to the mall, last night, and started to look around. By the way, if you're ever at the mall, and you're looking for a good laugh, head on over to Lense Crafters, or whatever glasses shop they have. It can actually be pretty funny.

You see, what they do is lay all the glasses out around the store, with a bunch of mirrors, and let the legally blind come in and try to pick out a pair. The problem is that we have to take our glasses off in order to try the new ones on. So, WE CAN'T SEE WHAT THE NEW ONES LOOK LIKE. Ultimately what you get is a bunch of blind people, without their glasses on, wandering around the store, bumping into things, and trying to figure out if the pencil holder they just put on their face, because they can't see, makes them look good.

Priceless.

My other problem, of course, is my wife. I don't know how she knows, but she can always tell when I'm in a glasses store. She knows that, left on my own, I'll buy the black, plastic ones. So, I think she has some sort of special alarm that goes off:

WARNING!!!!! CASEY IS AT THE GLASSES STORE!!!!! THIS IS NOT A DRILL......REPEAT......THIS IS NOT A DRILL......CASEY IS AT THE GLASSES STORE.....THIS IS NOT A DRILL....THIS IS NOT A DRILLL..........

So, she called.

Brooke: What are you doing?

Me: Uh....Nothing.

Brooke: Nothing, huh?

Me: Nope. Just sittin' in the mall, watching the girls go in and out of Victoria's Secret.

Brooke: You're at the glasses store, aren't you.....

Me: I.....no......How did you know that?

Brooke: What's that sound? Are you holding the black, plastic glasses?

Me: (Putting down the black, plastic glasses) NO.......I am not.

Brooke: Uh-huh.....Hey, you know what would be fun? If we go pick out your glasses together, when you come home this weekend.

Me: You just don't want me to look like a dweeb.

Brooke: Well, SOMEONE has to care about that.

Me: (rolling my eyes)

Brooke: Don't you roll your eyes at me, mister!!!

Me: GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!!

So, this woman who just had two major surgeries, can't walk under her own power, and is in constant pain is going to drag herself, and the kids, out of the house, just so that I don't buy the black, plastic glasses.

Clearly, she has not come to grips with the fact that she married a geek.

Stop laughing so hard, God......There's milk coming out of your nose.

Casey