Lizard Mixtures, And Other Things I've Learned

I've admitted this before. But, now it's time to make an official proclamation.

I like country music.

It kind of hit my by surprise. I wasn't TRYING to like country music. I don't drink beer, I don't hunt, I don't drive a truck, and I haven't worn a cowboy hat since I worked at a western themed amusement park, and made funnel cakes for tourists.

But, I had fallen into a musical rut. Until just a few weeks ago, on my many trips back and forth to St. Louis, I had been listening to......well.....Duran Duran. Don't mock me. The '80's were my decade. I even had a really thin tie, with a keyboard design on it. It was....uh......radical. Or, "rad" as we would say.

But, I can't just like country music. I needed to know WHY I liked country music, now. There had to be a reason for me to turn my back on the music of my decade. So, because I have WAY to much free time on my hands, I did a little probing.

First, there was the Carrie Underwood factor. I believe we have already established that I should NEVER have free access to her. If I do, I'll take her. I'll treat her nice, and keep her safe and warm. But, she will be mine, and no one will ever get to hear her sing again......except me. ("It sings a song, or it gets the hose!!!")

I would gladly trade my "Cardboard Carrie" cutout, that I got at a store, for the real thing. I don't know if I would go so far as to consider this a "REAL" threat. But, if I were Carrie's people, I would think long and hard about keeping a picture of me at the entrance of all her shows.

So, there's that. No small thing. But, still. I could watch Carrie Underwood without the sound, and NEVER have to hear a country song. There had to be more.

I decided to take two songs, and place them side by side. (See? WAAAAYYYY too much time on my hands.) I picked "New Moon On Monday," a big hit for Duran Duran in the '80's, and "Online," a newer country song that I like, by Brad Paisley.

First, the Duran Duran song:

Shake up the picture
The lizard mixture
With your dance on the
Eventide

You got me coming up
With answers
All of which
I deny

I said it again
But could I please rephrase it?
Maybe I can
Catch a ride

I couldn't really
Put it much plainer
But I'll wait 'til
You decide

Send me a warning siren
As if I could ever hide
Last time
La Luna

I light my torch
And wave it for
The New Moon On Monday
And a fire dance through the night

Huh?

Come, again......

What the Hell does that mean?

And I LIKE this song........

Shake up the picture?

The lizard mixture?

What the Hell is that guy singing about?

Now, mind you, none of this mattered when I was making out with Wendy Hudson, to this song, behind the movie theater and rounding my way toward second base. (Not that there was much to second base....Sorry Wendy.) But, still. I listen to this now and I can't figure out what this thing is about. There was a video. I suppose this helped.

In the video, the members of Duran Duran, as near as I can tell, are members of the resistance during the war. They lurk in the shadows, while men with guns patrol the streets. Then, they start singing this song, and roughly 3 minutes later the world is free again. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!!!!!

So, it's political? When you dance on the eventide?

Okay. Fine. Why not? It was the deep, philosophical, political message that encouraged me to shove my tongue into Wendy's mouth, and pathetically fumble with her bra. Super. Let's go with that. Who would ever have known that politics would inspire such heated passion within me?

What can I say.....I'm a romantic.

Now, the Brad Paisley song:

I work down at the Pizza Pit
And I drive and old Hyundai

I still live with my Mom and Dad
I'm five foot, three
And overweight

I'm a
Sci-fi fanatic
And a mild asthmatic
Never been to second base

But there's a
Whole nother me
You need to see
Go check out myspace

'Cuz Online
I'm out in Hollywood
I'm six foot five
And I look damn good

I drive a Maserati
I'm a black belt in karate
And I love a good glass of wine

It turns girls on
That I'm mysterious
I tell 'em I don't want
Nothing serious

'Cuz even on a slow day
I can have a three way
Chat
With two women at one time

I'm so much cooler online
So much cooler online

Much simpler.

He's a geek.....He's fat.....He can't get girls....Has a lousy job....He lives with his parents......

What?

No lizard mixture?

I can understand this. I get it. Hell, I can almost RELATE to it. But, I don't need a freaking video to tell me what it's about.

The only problem I have with this is that the guy's name is Paisley. That just sounds kind of....I don't know....Swishy......But, as we've established before, I am the last guy who should be making fun of anyone's name. When I do, all I need to do is think of this sentence:

"Brad Paisley makes more money, and can get more women than Casey Bartholomew."

Then I will close my eyes, weep softly to myself, and drift off to sleep..........never knowing what the lizard mixture was.

Casey