Death By Plumbing

I wish I could plumb.

I can't.

In fact, I can't do much. If I could do plumbing, though, I think that would be something. People respect people who can do things. I can't do anything.

Guy 1: Damn pipes!!

Guy 2: I know. I hate it when they do those..."pipe".....things.

Guy 1: Yeah.

Guy 2: Well, I guess we better call Casey.

Guy 1: Yep. Casey is pretty good at "plumbing" things.

Guy 2: Did you ever wonder why there's a "b" in that word?

Guy 1: Yeah. And, what about the middle "c," in Connecticut?

Guy 2: This is one crazy world we live in.

Guy 1: Isn't it?

That conversation has NEVER happened.....Well, the first part. I bet the last part happens all the time. Why is there a "b" in that word?

If I could plumb, it would happen all the time. But, I can't. No plumbing.

I also can't change a light fixture. Bulb? Yes....mostly. Fixture? No. I cannot do that.

I can't lay carpet.

I can't fix cars.

I can't put down tile.

I can't put a new roof on the house.

I can't install a garbage disposal.

I can't put down a cement driveway.

I know what you ladies are thinking. You're thinking: My God!! How did I miss this raging stud, when I was single!?!!

On the plus side, my weekends are mostly free. When you can't do anything, people rarely call you. Also, I have very soft hands. Those come in handy when you are doing what I normally do....Which is nothing....They also come in handy for "handling" women....Which I almost never do....For whatever reason, women like men with soft hands. So, they love me. They often ask me to hold their purses, with my soft hands, while they go watch the guys who are putting in the cement driveway. I am SO in!!!!

It's never occurred to me WHY I can't do any of these things. I just can't. No one ever showed me. But, no one ever showed me how to write a blog, either, and I aced that (SHUT UP!!)

Someone had to teach these "other" guys how to do these things. They didn't just KNOW, did they? Honestly, that would be creepy. You can't just do that, can you? Just KNOW how to rebuild a transmission. Someone has to tell you, right? I mean, there's a girl on "Heroes" who can do that. But, that's just a TV show, isn't it? Hmmmmm.....(Note to self: Next time you see a hot, blonde cheerleader, stab her and see if she heals. Always better to be on the safe side.)

I do think that there are people who are predetermined, at birth, to be better at some things than other people are. Like in the old Soviet Union. God works that way......Like the Soviet Union.....Except, without the death camps....God doesn't need death camps.....Quit being an idiot.

I just think that, no matter what point in time you would have dropped me in, the result would have been pretty much the same. Which is to say, I would have been useless. Even in the relatively simple times of the caveman.

Grog: We go hunt, now!!!

Prehistoric Me: Casey hunt?

Grog: Casey hunt?

Prehistoric Me: Ooga!!!

Grog: Uhhhhhhhhh......Me.....think....Uhhhh....

Prehistoric Me: Casey good hunter!!!!!

Grog: No, no....Casey good hunter....Just that.....uhhhh....Casey skills better used OTHER places...

Prehistoric Me: Casey OTHER places?

Grog: That it!!!

Prehistoric Me: Casey do what?

Grog: Uhhhhh....Casey draw pictures on wall...Keep record of hunt.....

Prehistoric Me: Casey blog?

Grog: Okay, dude!! Seriously, no one is going to read your damn blog, okay? Deal with it.

Prehistoric Me: OOGA!!!!

So, you see? It has nothing to do with me, or my overall lack of ability. This is just the way God made me.

I suppose that I could take some sort of class, or something, that would teach me how to do these things. I mean, I wouldn't mind knowing how to plumb, or wire, or roof. Luckily, for society, I know my limitations.

Were I to plumb, someone would inevitably drown.

Were I to wire, someone would get electrocuted.

Were I to roof, entire homes would come tumbling down on top of innocent families.

So, really, it is for the greater good that I don't do ANY of these things. The simple fact of the matter is that, when I touch tools, people die. It's not pretty. I am........THE HANDYMAN OF DOOM!!!!!! Trained by our own government to wipe out entire enemy villages, simply by replacing a dislodged shingle.....Taliban children have nightmares about me.

So, it is best if I spend my time fostering my other, non-lethal skills. Which are basically non-existent.

But, I can change a diaper. I can do the laundry, as long as I wash everything on cold. AND, I can hold your bag while you go stare at those guys putting the roof on that house.......While you're over there, will you look for my wife? Her purse is getting heavy.

Casey