Sometime, possibly in another life, I offended garbage men. Actually, I don't even thing that's the proper term, anymore. Perhaps, "Sanitation Maintenance Engineers" would be more fitting. I dunno.
Anyway, today was trash day in my little slice of suburban hell. So, last night I went outside, placed the lids tightly on my cans (hehe), and rolled them out to the curb. This morning, when I went outside, I found one of my cans (lol) across the street in the neighbor's yard. The lid was in my driveway. The other one of my cans (HA HA!!) was across my yard, with the lid in my next door neighbor's driveway.
This is not, at all, uncommon.
A few weeks ago I forgot to take the kitchen trash out (It's one of my chores.) So, when I heard the trash truck, I ran outside and tried to hand them my trash bag.
Me: Can I give you one more?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: No.
Me: Okay, well....Wait....No?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's gotta be in your can.
Me: Hehe
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...Uh....So, if I put it in my can (snicker), you'll take it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Possibly.
Me: Okay....Uhhhhh....Where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Your can?
Me: HAHA!!!
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...So, where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's two blocks over, that way.
Me: Oh...Uh...Good shot.
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: The wind was with us.
Me: Of course.
So, for whatever reason, they have made a nice little sport of spraying my cans (sorry) all over the place. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. Whatever it was, I didn't mean to. I'm just trying to throw my garbage away. I swear to God.
This also, by the way, extends to the recycle people. I had put some boxes out, two weeks ago, and when I woke up they were gone. I just assumed that they recycle people had taken them away, and made shirts, or something, out of them that former hippies will spend way too much money to buy in "the villiage," or something like that. But, when I went to rake leaves this past weekend, I found my boxes had been thrown on the side of my house. My neighbor suggested that it might have been because I didn't break them down.
Huh?
They were little, tiny, baby boxes. I gotta break those down, TOO!?!!! How come? Correct me if I'm wrong, but when they take them, they immediately place them inside of a giant compactor. Broken down, or not, I think the giant compactor is going to be able to handle the job. If it can't, they need to get their money back. And, even if they DO need to be broken down (and I'm conceeding nothing here), is it okay to hide them from me on the side of my house?
I think not.
Besides, take it from someone who has moved more times than I care to mention, breaking down boxes is a major pain. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a cardboard box? Bloody and painful. Not a pretty sight. They could make horror movies out of that kind of stuff.
But, fine. I can play by the rules. I can break down the boxes. I don't like it, but I'll do it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get my cans (LOL). There was a good wind, and I think they might be in Newark.
Casey
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
An Orange By Any Other Name.....
Everybody should vote.
There.
I said it.
Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.
Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.
For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.
You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.
But, I digress.
One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.
Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?
My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?
Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......
My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.
Me: Oh....How about blue?
My Wife: Shut up.
I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."
Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.
So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.
"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"
Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.
Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.
Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.
My Wife: Terracotta.
Me: Terra-whatta?
My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.
Me: Orange?
My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.
Me: You said it was like rust.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Which is orange.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: But, this is NOT orange.
My Wife: No.
Me: It's Terracotta.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: My head hurts.
My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.
Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?
My Wife: We're getting new countertops.
Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?
My Wife: I changed our mind.
Me: You changed OUR mind?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: That's how it works?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?
My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.
Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Man, that's cold.
My Wife: Deal with it.
So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.
The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.
Casey
There.
I said it.
Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.
Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.
For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.
You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.
But, I digress.
One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.
Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?
My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?
Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......
My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.
Me: Oh....How about blue?
My Wife: Shut up.
I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."
Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.
So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.
"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"
Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.
Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.
Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.
My Wife: Terracotta.
Me: Terra-whatta?
My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.
Me: Orange?
My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.
Me: You said it was like rust.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Which is orange.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: But, this is NOT orange.
My Wife: No.
Me: It's Terracotta.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: My head hurts.
My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.
Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?
My Wife: We're getting new countertops.
Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?
My Wife: I changed our mind.
Me: You changed OUR mind?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: That's how it works?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?
My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.
Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Man, that's cold.
My Wife: Deal with it.
So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.
The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.
Casey
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Women Are Smarter, And Stuff.....
As if he doesn't have enough problems just BEING my son, there is a sexist move afoot to make my boy stupid.
When my daughter was born, my orders were very specific. "Don't talk to her like she's a baby. She'll be smarter, and develop a better vocabulary."
I had to use specific definitions of words, so that she would not only know WHAT I was talking about, but would also understand what it WAS that I was talking about, while she was spitting up all over herself. So, if the dog came into the room, I couldn't just say it was the dog. I had to be descriptive.
Me: Oh look, honey. It's the highly variable domestic animal, closely related to the Gray Wolf, that we call Lucy.
My Daughter: Gooooooo....
In this way my daughter allegedly became HIGHLY intelligent to the point that, when she went outside the other day, she had her shorts on backwards.
Nice.
There is no such effort being made with my son. It seems a little early, to me, to throw in the towel on the boy. He's only 4 months old. But, when the dog comes into the room, now, my wife isn't nearly as interested in the educational benefits of the action.
My Wife: It's the woof-woof.....It's the woof-woof......Look at the woof-woof.
My Son: Gooooooo....
Now, he can't dress himself. But, his shorts are generally facing the right direction.
However, I feel that this might be a bigger conspiracy. Bigger than the Kennedy assassination. Possibly even bigger than that whole thing, earlier this year, about the body double in the blonde wig who came out on stage while the REAL Hannah Montana was changing her outfit........Don't pretend like you didn't hear about it....We ALL heard about it.....No.....I'm sure YOU were reading Dickens, or something.....Right.
Anyway, I believe there may be a greater effort going on, in order to make boys stupid. According to the latest figures, 57% of college students are female.
Which means, guys, that not only are the women smart, THEY'RE GETTING SMARTER!!!!
In the very near future, we won't even get to live inside the house. They'll just keep us in pens, and only bring us out when they want to reproduce, need something heavy lifted, or see a spider. Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't too long ago that I spent 4 hours of my Saturday, driving around all over the place, looking at thousands of different curtains, and came home without buying ANY OF THEM!!!!! What a waste. I'd have bought the first ones', and gone home. There was a USC game on. Come on, people. Priorities. If I had my own pen, I wouldn't need curtains. Just a little hay in the corner. Sounds good to me.
We probably wouldn't even need to bother learning to speak.
Woman: Who wants to reproduce?.....Who wants to reproduce?....Do you wanna reproduce?
Man: Gooooooo....
Honestly, it doesn't sound so bad.
We also used to show my daughter videos from a series called "Baby Einstein." In these videos, classical music would play while various animals did various things, at various speeds. Then, a hand puppet of some kind (I seem to remember a goat), would pop up on the screen, look around, and stare at you for a long time. Then, there would be more animals, and more classical music, followed by more staring. Truthfully, I found the whole thing to be more than a little creepy.
Me: Are you sure this is okay for her to watch? It seems weird.
My Wife: Shut up, or I'll lock you in your pen.
Me: Gooooooo....
So, we watched.....and watched....and watched...until we could not watch any more. Not because we had gone mad and started killing people, which is what I wanted to do (we NEVER do what I wanna do.) But, because we had seen ALL the "Baby Einstein" videos. My wife was satisfied that my daughter, who was in the corner swallowing pennies, was a genius ready to take her place among our new female masters.
The last thing my son watched?
Well, the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie was on a few weeks ago. We watched part of that together. I think he sort of laughed. I was very proud.
So, you women can go to college, and get all your fancy book learnin'. I'm gonna stay in my pen, and watch TV.
Call me when it's time to reproduce.
Casey
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU AREN'T READING THIS ON SUNDAY. IF YOU'RE READING THIS ON SUNDAY, THEN YOU MISSED MY ROLLER DERBY DEBUT!!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!! I'VE NEVER MISSED ANYTHING OF YOURS!!!! BUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS AND THE GOTHAM CITY GIRLS. I'LL BE THERE, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. TRICIA WILL BE THE REAL ANNOUNCER. I'LL JUST BE SITTING THERE, SAYING STUPID THINGS, AND TRYING TO AVOID GETTING HIT. BUT, THERE WILL BE FUN, AND MUSIC, AND A GOOD TIME WILL BE HAD BY ALL. IT ALL STARTS AT 7PM. COME BY, AND SAY HI.
When my daughter was born, my orders were very specific. "Don't talk to her like she's a baby. She'll be smarter, and develop a better vocabulary."
I had to use specific definitions of words, so that she would not only know WHAT I was talking about, but would also understand what it WAS that I was talking about, while she was spitting up all over herself. So, if the dog came into the room, I couldn't just say it was the dog. I had to be descriptive.
Me: Oh look, honey. It's the highly variable domestic animal, closely related to the Gray Wolf, that we call Lucy.
My Daughter: Gooooooo....
In this way my daughter allegedly became HIGHLY intelligent to the point that, when she went outside the other day, she had her shorts on backwards.
Nice.
There is no such effort being made with my son. It seems a little early, to me, to throw in the towel on the boy. He's only 4 months old. But, when the dog comes into the room, now, my wife isn't nearly as interested in the educational benefits of the action.
My Wife: It's the woof-woof.....It's the woof-woof......Look at the woof-woof.
My Son: Gooooooo....
Now, he can't dress himself. But, his shorts are generally facing the right direction.
However, I feel that this might be a bigger conspiracy. Bigger than the Kennedy assassination. Possibly even bigger than that whole thing, earlier this year, about the body double in the blonde wig who came out on stage while the REAL Hannah Montana was changing her outfit........Don't pretend like you didn't hear about it....We ALL heard about it.....No.....I'm sure YOU were reading Dickens, or something.....Right.
Anyway, I believe there may be a greater effort going on, in order to make boys stupid. According to the latest figures, 57% of college students are female.
Which means, guys, that not only are the women smart, THEY'RE GETTING SMARTER!!!!
In the very near future, we won't even get to live inside the house. They'll just keep us in pens, and only bring us out when they want to reproduce, need something heavy lifted, or see a spider. Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't too long ago that I spent 4 hours of my Saturday, driving around all over the place, looking at thousands of different curtains, and came home without buying ANY OF THEM!!!!! What a waste. I'd have bought the first ones', and gone home. There was a USC game on. Come on, people. Priorities. If I had my own pen, I wouldn't need curtains. Just a little hay in the corner. Sounds good to me.
We probably wouldn't even need to bother learning to speak.
Woman: Who wants to reproduce?.....Who wants to reproduce?....Do you wanna reproduce?
Man: Gooooooo....
Honestly, it doesn't sound so bad.
We also used to show my daughter videos from a series called "Baby Einstein." In these videos, classical music would play while various animals did various things, at various speeds. Then, a hand puppet of some kind (I seem to remember a goat), would pop up on the screen, look around, and stare at you for a long time. Then, there would be more animals, and more classical music, followed by more staring. Truthfully, I found the whole thing to be more than a little creepy.
Me: Are you sure this is okay for her to watch? It seems weird.
My Wife: Shut up, or I'll lock you in your pen.
Me: Gooooooo....
So, we watched.....and watched....and watched...until we could not watch any more. Not because we had gone mad and started killing people, which is what I wanted to do (we NEVER do what I wanna do.) But, because we had seen ALL the "Baby Einstein" videos. My wife was satisfied that my daughter, who was in the corner swallowing pennies, was a genius ready to take her place among our new female masters.
The last thing my son watched?
Well, the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie was on a few weeks ago. We watched part of that together. I think he sort of laughed. I was very proud.
So, you women can go to college, and get all your fancy book learnin'. I'm gonna stay in my pen, and watch TV.
Call me when it's time to reproduce.
Casey
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU AREN'T READING THIS ON SUNDAY. IF YOU'RE READING THIS ON SUNDAY, THEN YOU MISSED MY ROLLER DERBY DEBUT!!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!! I'VE NEVER MISSED ANYTHING OF YOURS!!!! BUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS AND THE GOTHAM CITY GIRLS. I'LL BE THERE, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. TRICIA WILL BE THE REAL ANNOUNCER. I'LL JUST BE SITTING THERE, SAYING STUPID THINGS, AND TRYING TO AVOID GETTING HIT. BUT, THERE WILL BE FUN, AND MUSIC, AND A GOOD TIME WILL BE HAD BY ALL. IT ALL STARTS AT 7PM. COME BY, AND SAY HI.
What Have You Done For Steven, Today?
I know the economy is bad. I read the paper. At the VERY least, I look at the pictures and see lots of people, with serious looks on their faces. This tells me that SOMETHING bad is going on. 9 times out of 10 the word "economy" is in the headline. Okay, so while I don't ALWAYS read the stories, the pictures make me sad. That should count for something.
But, while you are dressing your children in clothes that are "soooo last season," and putting on your sad faces, on the outside chance that a newspaper photographer is around, I would like you to consider one person.
Steven Spielberg.
That's right, you selfish booger head.
While YOU are busying yourself, trying to figure out how you are going to buy food, or make your next house payment, Steven Spielberg is having some of his own issues. YOU probably didn't even stop to think about how the current crisis was affecting Steven.
How do you sleep at night?
He didn't have to make E.T., or Jaws, or that black-and-white movie about that guy who did all that stuff for those Jewish people. But, he did. And he did it without one single thought for himself.
Now, in this time of economic hardship, Steven needs your help. I think you owe it to him to give it.
You see, Steven, and the other multi-gazillionaires that own Dreamworks, are anxiously awaiting word on a $500 million dollar loan.
They NEED this money. If they don't get it, they are going to be forced to continue their relationship with Paramount Pictures. I shudder to think of what this could mean.
Would the movies change?
Well.....no.
Would there be less movies?
Uhhh.....No, actually. They have to do 6 a year. So, either way, we'd get 6 movies.
Would Steven's movies lose their integrity?
Oh....well.....No. They'd be the same movies he makes now.
Would the Dreamworks logo be followed, on screen, by that big mountain, with the little stars flying around it?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you KNOW what this would mean?
That's right.......Steven would be unhappy.
Do you remember, back in the 80's, when we all gave hundreds of millions of dollars to the Ethiopians, because they were unhappy with God for making them live in Ethiopia?
Nobody batted an eye at that.
Well, this is the same thing.
The only difference is that the money for the Ethiopians went right into the hands of the Ethiopian war lords, and did nothing to improve the lives of the Ethiopians (can you tell that I like saying the word "Ethiopians?"). To my knowledge, Dreamworks HAS no warlords. So, all this money should, God willing, go directly into the hands of Steven Spielberg.
Plus, we won't have to deal with that annoying, freaking, We Are The World song. Though, I can imagine a scenario where a bunch of rich singers get together, and record a song for Steven, to the tune of it.
We Love You Steeeeeve....
We Love Your Movieees....
We Love The One
About The Little Guy
With The Glowing Fingerrrrrrrrrr.......
It would be sad, and we would all buy it, and Steven would probably get his money. But, my ears would bleed. I hate it when my ears bleed.
Now, the problem here is that, in order to get $500 million, they have to get a loan for several hundred million MORE, in order to ensure that they'll be able to pay back the initial $500 million. So, as near as I can tell, they need to borrow $300 million, so that they can get the $500 million, in order to use the $300 million to prove that they will be able to pay back the $500 million, which they won't be able to do UNLESS they get the $300 million, which they need in order to get approved for the $500 million.
Got it?
Good.
Of course, they could just make GOOD movies. Movies that people would want to see. But, this is Hollywood, and Hollywood doesn't worry about making GOOD movies. They just worry about making ANY movies, which is why people like Dane Cook EVER get to make a movie. They don't have to be good. They just have to be....sort of....there.
My point here is this: Steven can't get his loan, and make himself happy, if you don't stop defaulting on YOUR loans, and causing banks to foreclose on YOUR houses. If you wouldn't mind NOT doing that, then there would be plenty of money laying around to make Steven happy.
Take one for the team.....
Get a fifth job.....
Stop buying frivolous things, like gas...
Sell the older children into the sex trade...
Without these sacrifices Steven can't be happy....
When Steven isn't happy, we get things like 1941.....
Or, Hook......
Or, Always.....
Or, Amistad
I don't think ANY of us wants that.
Make Steven happy.
Pay your damn bills.
Casey
DON'T FORGET, OR I WILL KILL YOU, THAT THIS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER I, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY ALONGSIDE TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING, AND STAND A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF BEING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED BY A LOT OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN, IN ROLLER SKATES. DOES IT GET BETTER THAN THAT? THE ACTION STARTS AT 7PM, THIS SATURDAY NIGHT. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.
But, while you are dressing your children in clothes that are "soooo last season," and putting on your sad faces, on the outside chance that a newspaper photographer is around, I would like you to consider one person.
Steven Spielberg.
That's right, you selfish booger head.
While YOU are busying yourself, trying to figure out how you are going to buy food, or make your next house payment, Steven Spielberg is having some of his own issues. YOU probably didn't even stop to think about how the current crisis was affecting Steven.
How do you sleep at night?
He didn't have to make E.T., or Jaws, or that black-and-white movie about that guy who did all that stuff for those Jewish people. But, he did. And he did it without one single thought for himself.
Now, in this time of economic hardship, Steven needs your help. I think you owe it to him to give it.
You see, Steven, and the other multi-gazillionaires that own Dreamworks, are anxiously awaiting word on a $500 million dollar loan.
They NEED this money. If they don't get it, they are going to be forced to continue their relationship with Paramount Pictures. I shudder to think of what this could mean.
Would the movies change?
Well.....no.
Would there be less movies?
Uhhh.....No, actually. They have to do 6 a year. So, either way, we'd get 6 movies.
Would Steven's movies lose their integrity?
Oh....well.....No. They'd be the same movies he makes now.
Would the Dreamworks logo be followed, on screen, by that big mountain, with the little stars flying around it?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you KNOW what this would mean?
That's right.......Steven would be unhappy.
Do you remember, back in the 80's, when we all gave hundreds of millions of dollars to the Ethiopians, because they were unhappy with God for making them live in Ethiopia?
Nobody batted an eye at that.
Well, this is the same thing.
The only difference is that the money for the Ethiopians went right into the hands of the Ethiopian war lords, and did nothing to improve the lives of the Ethiopians (can you tell that I like saying the word "Ethiopians?"). To my knowledge, Dreamworks HAS no warlords. So, all this money should, God willing, go directly into the hands of Steven Spielberg.
Plus, we won't have to deal with that annoying, freaking, We Are The World song. Though, I can imagine a scenario where a bunch of rich singers get together, and record a song for Steven, to the tune of it.
We Love You Steeeeeve....
We Love Your Movieees....
We Love The One
About The Little Guy
With The Glowing Fingerrrrrrrrrr.......
It would be sad, and we would all buy it, and Steven would probably get his money. But, my ears would bleed. I hate it when my ears bleed.
Now, the problem here is that, in order to get $500 million, they have to get a loan for several hundred million MORE, in order to ensure that they'll be able to pay back the initial $500 million. So, as near as I can tell, they need to borrow $300 million, so that they can get the $500 million, in order to use the $300 million to prove that they will be able to pay back the $500 million, which they won't be able to do UNLESS they get the $300 million, which they need in order to get approved for the $500 million.
Got it?
Good.
Of course, they could just make GOOD movies. Movies that people would want to see. But, this is Hollywood, and Hollywood doesn't worry about making GOOD movies. They just worry about making ANY movies, which is why people like Dane Cook EVER get to make a movie. They don't have to be good. They just have to be....sort of....there.
My point here is this: Steven can't get his loan, and make himself happy, if you don't stop defaulting on YOUR loans, and causing banks to foreclose on YOUR houses. If you wouldn't mind NOT doing that, then there would be plenty of money laying around to make Steven happy.
Take one for the team.....
Get a fifth job.....
Stop buying frivolous things, like gas...
Sell the older children into the sex trade...
Without these sacrifices Steven can't be happy....
When Steven isn't happy, we get things like 1941.....
Or, Hook......
Or, Always.....
Or, Amistad
I don't think ANY of us wants that.
Make Steven happy.
Pay your damn bills.
Casey
DON'T FORGET, OR I WILL KILL YOU, THAT THIS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER I, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY ALONGSIDE TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING, AND STAND A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF BEING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED BY A LOT OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN, IN ROLLER SKATES. DOES IT GET BETTER THAN THAT? THE ACTION STARTS AT 7PM, THIS SATURDAY NIGHT. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Ladies And Gentlemen, Please Rise For The Honorable...Val Kilmer...No, Really....Come On...Get Up!!!
What is it about celebrities that makes them think they are qualified to do.....you know......ANYTHING?
In fact, what is it about celebrities that makes them think that anybody, AT ALL, cares about what they say?
I only bring this up because Val Kilmer (yes THAT Val Kilmer) is apparently considering a run for Governor of New Mexico.
That's right. Val Kilmer wants to be Governor......
Of a state.......
In America.....
I just got chills....
I'm just wondering which of his many film roles would qualify him to be Governor of an honest-to-God state.
Could it be his role as the K.I.T.T, the talking car, in TV's new Knight Rider?
No. That couldn't be it.
How about his tough, yet tender performance as Madmartigan in the Ron Howard classic, Willow?
Hmmmm.....Probably not.
I know.....It had to be his role as Eric, in the ABC Afterschool Special: One Too Many, about some kids whose lives are changed after one of their friends drives drunk with "devastating" results.
THAT must be it.
Because, in order to think he is qualified to be Governor, he MUST have had one too many. (I apologize for the obvious, and cheesy joke.)
You notice I did not mention his role as Jim Morrison in The Doors. There's a reason for this. That movie was SO bad, that I didn't want to talk about it out of fear that someone MIGHT want to watch it, just to see how bad it is............And I just did.........DAMN IT!!!
Anyway, it's usually during an election year that I find myself increasingly annoyed by famous people, who think their opinions matter, because they made a movie about something.
I'm going to say something, now, that is going to scare some of you. If you are weak of heart, please don't read it. You have been warned.....
When a celebrity makes a movie about ANYTHING, 9 times out of 10 they are portraying characters, and saying words that.......here's the scary part........SOMEONE ELSE HAS WRITTEN!!!!!!
I know. It turns out that movies aren't little documentaries, where someone just happened to be following famous people around with a camera, recording everything they did. It seems that these things are not only planned, but often times EDITED in order to make the people in them look particularly good.
It's a giant fraud perpetrated on the American people, is what it is.
Who knew that Angelina Jolie was just some tattoo covered freak, who collects foreign children like old women collect cats, and wasn't nearly as intellectual as she wants us to think? This is, after all, a woman who made out with her own brother, at one point.
Does Barbara Striesand REALLY think we care what she thinks about politics?
Does Rosie O'Donnel REALLY think we care what she thinks about the war?
Does Don Henley REALLY think we care what he has to say about the environment?
Honestly, yes, they do. We don't. But, yes, they think we do.
They just don't seem to understand that we go see them sing, because they can sing. We go see them in movies, because they aren't being themselves. They're ACTING. If most of these boobs stood in front of a camera, and blathered on about Darfur for 90 minutes, we would all throw old vegetables at the screen. In fact, this is the very reason that I always bring a supply of old vegetables to the movies with me. In case they break character, and start preaching. It's always better to be prepared, if you ask me.
If you would like an example of just how much we care about what they say, just ask President Kerry......You know......President John Kerry? He won the election in 2004, after Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews, and a few others, toured in support of him. Remember? Then he won the election, right? I mean, he MUST have. All those famous people TOLD us to vote for him.
Wait.....Maybe I'm thinking about 2000, when Al Gore won. I know he won, because Alec Baldwin said that, if Bush won, he'd move to Australia. Since Alec Baldwin didn't move to Australia, I can only assume that Gore won.
No?
He didn't?
Probably just as well. Alec Baldwin needed to stay in America, so that he could leave demeaning messages, for his young daughter that her mother (another glorious celebrity, Kim Bassinger) could leak to the media. It would be hard to do that from Australia. I don't think they have phones, there.
(Author's Note: Please spare me ANY comments about how Gore actually won. It's been 8 years. Get over it.)
I know some of you are going to mention Arnold, in California, and Ronald Reagan, of course. You have to remember that most of Arnold's work, as Governor, is PR. I hate to get too serious on you, but due to the way the constitution is, in California, most of the governor's work is done for him. He has very little wiggle room. He just has to make sure that things are TOO screwed up (it is California, after all), and that he just comes off as likeable. He does both of those things. But, it is still kind of laughable that he's the governor. I mean, come on.....
As for Reagan, he may be the lone anomaly. He was a VERY politically active person, in Hollywood. By that, I don't mean that he showed up at fundraisers, and had his picture taken. Nope. He gave speeches, and answered questions, and stood up for what he believed in. Plus, he had all but given up acting when he decided to run for office. Before everyone jumps down my little Republican throat, he started doing all this AS A DEMOCRAT. He became a Republican, later. The point being that he didn't just stamp his feet, and hold his breath. He got involved. He didn't just decide that he wanted to run for office, one day, and that he would win because people knew who he was, and nothing more. AND he made . How do you NOT love a guy who made ? If you don't, you have no heart. It does, after all, have a chimp in it. If there's a bad movie about a chimp, I haven't seen it.
But, I'm not hear to shill for Reagan. He is, after all, dead. I never voted for him, and he can't run again. I don't particularly care what you, or me for that matter, think about him.
We're talking about the soon-to-be-honorable Val Kilmer.
Right now I would just like to sit back, and ponder what Ice, from Top Gun would do about immigration. Or, what Chris, from Real Genius would do about gas prices. How about what Elvis, from True Romance (yes THAT Elvis), would do about property taxes.
Not that anyone knows, because he hasn't told us, and probably won't. But, we know his name, and THAT makes him qualified.
Though, he DID get to make out with Mira Sorvino in At First Sight. If he's willing to talk, in great detail, about that I might vote for him. I might even move to New Mexico to do it. But, I will not move to Australia. Apparently, there are no phones, there.
Casey
WE ARE JUST A FEW SHORT DAYS AWAY FROM MY DEBUT AT CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AS I ANNOUNCE THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. IT TAKES PLACE THIS SATURDAY, AT 7PM. THEY TELL ME THAT THIS IS THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. THEY ALSO TELL ME THAT NONE OF THE ROLLER GIRLS WILL BEAT ME UP. I'M HOPING THAT AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE IS TRUE. BUT, THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS ARE TAKING ON THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS, AND IT SHOULD BE LOADS OF FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. IF NOTHING ELSE COME OUT AND SEE ME MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF. I MIGHT EVEN GET BEAT UP BY A BUNCH OF GIRLS. THAT ALONE WOULD BE WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION.
In fact, what is it about celebrities that makes them think that anybody, AT ALL, cares about what they say?
I only bring this up because Val Kilmer (yes THAT Val Kilmer) is apparently considering a run for Governor of New Mexico.
That's right. Val Kilmer wants to be Governor......
Of a state.......
In America.....
I just got chills....
I'm just wondering which of his many film roles would qualify him to be Governor of an honest-to-God state.
Could it be his role as the K.I.T.T, the talking car, in TV's new Knight Rider?
No. That couldn't be it.
How about his tough, yet tender performance as Madmartigan in the Ron Howard classic, Willow?
Hmmmm.....Probably not.
I know.....It had to be his role as Eric, in the ABC Afterschool Special: One Too Many, about some kids whose lives are changed after one of their friends drives drunk with "devastating" results.
THAT must be it.
Because, in order to think he is qualified to be Governor, he MUST have had one too many. (I apologize for the obvious, and cheesy joke.)
You notice I did not mention his role as Jim Morrison in The Doors. There's a reason for this. That movie was SO bad, that I didn't want to talk about it out of fear that someone MIGHT want to watch it, just to see how bad it is............And I just did.........DAMN IT!!!
Anyway, it's usually during an election year that I find myself increasingly annoyed by famous people, who think their opinions matter, because they made a movie about something.
I'm going to say something, now, that is going to scare some of you. If you are weak of heart, please don't read it. You have been warned.....
When a celebrity makes a movie about ANYTHING, 9 times out of 10 they are portraying characters, and saying words that.......here's the scary part........SOMEONE ELSE HAS WRITTEN!!!!!!
I know. It turns out that movies aren't little documentaries, where someone just happened to be following famous people around with a camera, recording everything they did. It seems that these things are not only planned, but often times EDITED in order to make the people in them look particularly good.
It's a giant fraud perpetrated on the American people, is what it is.
Who knew that Angelina Jolie was just some tattoo covered freak, who collects foreign children like old women collect cats, and wasn't nearly as intellectual as she wants us to think? This is, after all, a woman who made out with her own brother, at one point.
Does Barbara Striesand REALLY think we care what she thinks about politics?
Does Rosie O'Donnel REALLY think we care what she thinks about the war?
Does Don Henley REALLY think we care what he has to say about the environment?
Honestly, yes, they do. We don't. But, yes, they think we do.
They just don't seem to understand that we go see them sing, because they can sing. We go see them in movies, because they aren't being themselves. They're ACTING. If most of these boobs stood in front of a camera, and blathered on about Darfur for 90 minutes, we would all throw old vegetables at the screen. In fact, this is the very reason that I always bring a supply of old vegetables to the movies with me. In case they break character, and start preaching. It's always better to be prepared, if you ask me.
If you would like an example of just how much we care about what they say, just ask President Kerry......You know......President John Kerry? He won the election in 2004, after Bruce Springsteen, Dave Matthews, and a few others, toured in support of him. Remember? Then he won the election, right? I mean, he MUST have. All those famous people TOLD us to vote for him.
Wait.....Maybe I'm thinking about 2000, when Al Gore won. I know he won, because Alec Baldwin said that, if Bush won, he'd move to Australia. Since Alec Baldwin didn't move to Australia, I can only assume that Gore won.
No?
He didn't?
Probably just as well. Alec Baldwin needed to stay in America, so that he could leave demeaning messages, for his young daughter that her mother (another glorious celebrity, Kim Bassinger) could leak to the media. It would be hard to do that from Australia. I don't think they have phones, there.
(Author's Note: Please spare me ANY comments about how Gore actually won. It's been 8 years. Get over it.)
I know some of you are going to mention Arnold, in California, and Ronald Reagan, of course. You have to remember that most of Arnold's work, as Governor, is PR. I hate to get too serious on you, but due to the way the constitution is, in California, most of the governor's work is done for him. He has very little wiggle room. He just has to make sure that things are TOO screwed up (it is California, after all), and that he just comes off as likeable. He does both of those things. But, it is still kind of laughable that he's the governor. I mean, come on.....
As for Reagan, he may be the lone anomaly. He was a VERY politically active person, in Hollywood. By that, I don't mean that he showed up at fundraisers, and had his picture taken. Nope. He gave speeches, and answered questions, and stood up for what he believed in. Plus, he had all but given up acting when he decided to run for office. Before everyone jumps down my little Republican throat, he started doing all this AS A DEMOCRAT. He became a Republican, later. The point being that he didn't just stamp his feet, and hold his breath. He got involved. He didn't just decide that he wanted to run for office, one day, and that he would win because people knew who he was, and nothing more. AND he made . How do you NOT love a guy who made ? If you don't, you have no heart. It does, after all, have a chimp in it. If there's a bad movie about a chimp, I haven't seen it.
But, I'm not hear to shill for Reagan. He is, after all, dead. I never voted for him, and he can't run again. I don't particularly care what you, or me for that matter, think about him.
We're talking about the soon-to-be-honorable Val Kilmer.
Right now I would just like to sit back, and ponder what Ice, from Top Gun would do about immigration. Or, what Chris, from Real Genius would do about gas prices. How about what Elvis, from True Romance (yes THAT Elvis), would do about property taxes.
Not that anyone knows, because he hasn't told us, and probably won't. But, we know his name, and THAT makes him qualified.
Though, he DID get to make out with Mira Sorvino in At First Sight. If he's willing to talk, in great detail, about that I might vote for him. I might even move to New Mexico to do it. But, I will not move to Australia. Apparently, there are no phones, there.
Casey
WE ARE JUST A FEW SHORT DAYS AWAY FROM MY DEBUT AT CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AS I ANNOUNCE THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. IT TAKES PLACE THIS SATURDAY, AT 7PM. THEY TELL ME THAT THIS IS THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. THEY ALSO TELL ME THAT NONE OF THE ROLLER GIRLS WILL BEAT ME UP. I'M HOPING THAT AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE IS TRUE. BUT, THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS ARE TAKING ON THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS, AND IT SHOULD BE LOADS OF FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY. IF NOTHING ELSE COME OUT AND SEE ME MAKE AN ASS OF MYSELF. I MIGHT EVEN GET BEAT UP BY A BUNCH OF GIRLS. THAT ALONE WOULD BE WORTH THE PRICE OF ADMISSION.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
This Is The Life....
This Is The Life....
I often refuse to listen to people, when they give me advice.
"No," I will say. "I'm sure that EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET has had this issue. But, I'm sure it will be different for me. I'm Casey."
It was due to this incredible level of stupidity that I bought a house with a pool. It's not like I NEED a pool. I live about an hour from the entire Atlantic ocean. Who needs a pool when the ocean is RIGHT THERE!?!!
I didn't have a pool when I lived in Southern California. Do you know why? Because the entire Pacific ocean was RIGHT THERE!!!! If I wanted to get wet, I would hop in my car and drive to the beach. Done.
I will say, though, that one of the stupider things about living in New Jersey is that you have to pay to use the beach. We didn't have to pay to use the beach in California, or Florida, when I lived there. I have friends in Texas who don't have to pay to use the beach. Plus, I went to Delaware once, and just walked right on the beach. Didn't have to pay a dime. Kind of makes you think it's a stupid rule. Though, in all those other places, we didn't have medical waste washing up on the beach on a regular basis. I guess you have to pay for those kinds of perks.
Anyway, I have a pool.
In the 2 months that I have lived in my house, I have spent approximately :45 minutes in the pool. That is, of course, unless you count the time I had to jump in to save my stupid dog, who fell in. It's an enormous hole in the ground!!! How did she NOT see it!?!! She's a greyhound. Greyhounds are what they call sight hounds. She's supposed to have REALLY good eyes. How does a dog that can see a gopher, at 50 yards, NOT see a giant pool that's 2 feet in front of her? Stupid dog. Anyway, if you count THAT time, I have spent about :47 minutes in my pool, total, since I moved in.
On the flip side, I have spent close to 47 HOURS, and about $500, working on the pool. Working on the pool is when you stand around the outside of the pool, and scrape the algae off of the sides, sift leaves out of it, and dump bottle after bottle of chemicals with names I can't pronounce, in the pool. Then, you wait for 12 hours before you can actually SWIM in your pool. If you don't wait, you or your children will go blind from chemical exposure.
Now, after waiting 12 hours, you will have to take a small sample of your water to the pool store. They will, then, test your water for you. this usually a free service. This makes you happy because NOTHING about owning a pool is free. Of course, after performing this "free" service, a 16 year old girl will get a very concerned look on her face, shake her head, and say something like this:
Pool Girl: Hmmmm......
Me: Is there something wrong?
Pool Girl: It's probably nothing. But......
Me: But, what?
Pool Girl: Well, the onomatopoeia mononucleosis first person nominative level is off.
Me: Uhhhhhhh......
Pool Girl: That's bad.
Me: Bad?
Pool Girl: Could cause AIDS.....
Me: I don't think that's how you catch.....
Pool Girl: And Ebola.....
Me: Uhhh...Are you the only person here?
Pool Girl: And SARS.....
Me: I thought that was in Asia.....
Pool Girl: You need chemicals.
Me: More chemicals?
Pool Girl: LOTS of chemicals.
Me: Uhh.....Which chemicals do I need?
Pool Girl: Just grab the biggest, most expensive bottle you can find.
Me: None of these bottles are labeled.
Pool Girl: Doesn't matter. It's all just colored water, anyway.
Me: Wait.....What?
Pool Girl: That'll be $200.
Me: But, I don't think.....
Pool Girl: Debit or credit?
Me: Uh....Debit, I guess.....
Pool Girl: And don't forget to stay out of the pool for 12 hours.
Me: But, you said it was just water.....
Pool Girl: DO YOU WANT TO GO BLIND!?!!
Me: Well, no. But, I.....
Pool Girl: Say goodbye.
Me: Oh...uh.....Goodbye.
Then, I will go home and dump the colored water into my pool, wait for 12 hours, and start the whole process all over again. Cautiously waiting for 12 hours before I go give them more of my money. I wouldn't want them to go blind, too.
This is a scam. I'm thinking of opening a pool store myself. I'll make a million bucks, and all I will have to do is master the "concerned" look, and tell people that they need to dump more chemicals in their pool. If they don't, of course, they will go blind. This is the main reason that you never see anybody actually IN their pools. Fear of blindness.
The only people that get to actually swim in their pools are the people who pay $100 a week for someone from the pool store to come out, and stare at their pool. Then, the person will laugh because they just made $100 to stand in your backyard for 5 minutes, and dump some colored water in. Just to be nice, though, they will tell you that your pool is safe to swim in. It's those of us who are foolish enough to try and care for our own pools who never get to swim in them. We don't have time, anyway. We're too busy driving back and forth from the pool store.
I don't know why you need to dump chemicals, and risk blindness. I mean, we all swim in the ocean, and in lakes, where there are any number of fish pooping, and have "fish sex," and we hardly ever get sick. Yet, if I fill a cement lined hole, with water out of my hose, I have to run a major science project. I would DRINK the water out of that hose!! Why can't I swim in it?
Something about that ain't right.
Now, Friday, I will be spending another pile of money to have someone come out and "close" my pool. They will drain some water, dump some fake chemicals in, and put the cover on so that it will be ready to withstand the winter. They take great care in doing this. It's because they know that, if my pool breaks, I won't be coming in every week to give them my money. So, they want to make sure it's done right.
But, come next summer, when I pay them even MORE MONEY to come out and "open" my pool, you will all be jealous. Because, while you're sitting in your air conditioned house, protected from all the heat, I'll be standing in my backyard. I'll walk around my pool, as the sun reflects off the water, and think about how wonderful it will be to jump in.......In 12 hours.......after I get the water checked......and give a high school student $350 for some concoction that will keep mosquitos, carrying the West Nile Virus, out of my pool......and 12 more short hours later, I'll........be dumping more chemicals in, because the PHQ level, whatever that is, has gotten out of control........But, 12 hours after that.........Oh, screw it.....
I'm going to the beach.
Casey
DON'T FORGET, THIS SATURDAY AT 7PM I'LL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT, BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS, AND THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AND TRCIA LA'VICIOUS WILL BE CALLING ALL THE ACTION FOR THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. COME ON OUT, HAVE SOME FUN, ENJOY THE BOUT AND DON'T FORGET TO COME OVER AND SAY HI. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN!!!!
I often refuse to listen to people, when they give me advice.
"No," I will say. "I'm sure that EVERY OTHER PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET has had this issue. But, I'm sure it will be different for me. I'm Casey."
It was due to this incredible level of stupidity that I bought a house with a pool. It's not like I NEED a pool. I live about an hour from the entire Atlantic ocean. Who needs a pool when the ocean is RIGHT THERE!?!!
I didn't have a pool when I lived in Southern California. Do you know why? Because the entire Pacific ocean was RIGHT THERE!!!! If I wanted to get wet, I would hop in my car and drive to the beach. Done.
I will say, though, that one of the stupider things about living in New Jersey is that you have to pay to use the beach. We didn't have to pay to use the beach in California, or Florida, when I lived there. I have friends in Texas who don't have to pay to use the beach. Plus, I went to Delaware once, and just walked right on the beach. Didn't have to pay a dime. Kind of makes you think it's a stupid rule. Though, in all those other places, we didn't have medical waste washing up on the beach on a regular basis. I guess you have to pay for those kinds of perks.
Anyway, I have a pool.
In the 2 months that I have lived in my house, I have spent approximately :45 minutes in the pool. That is, of course, unless you count the time I had to jump in to save my stupid dog, who fell in. It's an enormous hole in the ground!!! How did she NOT see it!?!! She's a greyhound. Greyhounds are what they call sight hounds. She's supposed to have REALLY good eyes. How does a dog that can see a gopher, at 50 yards, NOT see a giant pool that's 2 feet in front of her? Stupid dog. Anyway, if you count THAT time, I have spent about :47 minutes in my pool, total, since I moved in.
On the flip side, I have spent close to 47 HOURS, and about $500, working on the pool. Working on the pool is when you stand around the outside of the pool, and scrape the algae off of the sides, sift leaves out of it, and dump bottle after bottle of chemicals with names I can't pronounce, in the pool. Then, you wait for 12 hours before you can actually SWIM in your pool. If you don't wait, you or your children will go blind from chemical exposure.
Now, after waiting 12 hours, you will have to take a small sample of your water to the pool store. They will, then, test your water for you. this usually a free service. This makes you happy because NOTHING about owning a pool is free. Of course, after performing this "free" service, a 16 year old girl will get a very concerned look on her face, shake her head, and say something like this:
Pool Girl: Hmmmm......
Me: Is there something wrong?
Pool Girl: It's probably nothing. But......
Me: But, what?
Pool Girl: Well, the onomatopoeia mononucleosis first person nominative level is off.
Me: Uhhhhhhh......
Pool Girl: That's bad.
Me: Bad?
Pool Girl: Could cause AIDS.....
Me: I don't think that's how you catch.....
Pool Girl: And Ebola.....
Me: Uhhh...Are you the only person here?
Pool Girl: And SARS.....
Me: I thought that was in Asia.....
Pool Girl: You need chemicals.
Me: More chemicals?
Pool Girl: LOTS of chemicals.
Me: Uhh.....Which chemicals do I need?
Pool Girl: Just grab the biggest, most expensive bottle you can find.
Me: None of these bottles are labeled.
Pool Girl: Doesn't matter. It's all just colored water, anyway.
Me: Wait.....What?
Pool Girl: That'll be $200.
Me: But, I don't think.....
Pool Girl: Debit or credit?
Me: Uh....Debit, I guess.....
Pool Girl: And don't forget to stay out of the pool for 12 hours.
Me: But, you said it was just water.....
Pool Girl: DO YOU WANT TO GO BLIND!?!!
Me: Well, no. But, I.....
Pool Girl: Say goodbye.
Me: Oh...uh.....Goodbye.
Then, I will go home and dump the colored water into my pool, wait for 12 hours, and start the whole process all over again. Cautiously waiting for 12 hours before I go give them more of my money. I wouldn't want them to go blind, too.
This is a scam. I'm thinking of opening a pool store myself. I'll make a million bucks, and all I will have to do is master the "concerned" look, and tell people that they need to dump more chemicals in their pool. If they don't, of course, they will go blind. This is the main reason that you never see anybody actually IN their pools. Fear of blindness.
The only people that get to actually swim in their pools are the people who pay $100 a week for someone from the pool store to come out, and stare at their pool. Then, the person will laugh because they just made $100 to stand in your backyard for 5 minutes, and dump some colored water in. Just to be nice, though, they will tell you that your pool is safe to swim in. It's those of us who are foolish enough to try and care for our own pools who never get to swim in them. We don't have time, anyway. We're too busy driving back and forth from the pool store.
I don't know why you need to dump chemicals, and risk blindness. I mean, we all swim in the ocean, and in lakes, where there are any number of fish pooping, and have "fish sex," and we hardly ever get sick. Yet, if I fill a cement lined hole, with water out of my hose, I have to run a major science project. I would DRINK the water out of that hose!! Why can't I swim in it?
Something about that ain't right.
Now, Friday, I will be spending another pile of money to have someone come out and "close" my pool. They will drain some water, dump some fake chemicals in, and put the cover on so that it will be ready to withstand the winter. They take great care in doing this. It's because they know that, if my pool breaks, I won't be coming in every week to give them my money. So, they want to make sure it's done right.
But, come next summer, when I pay them even MORE MONEY to come out and "open" my pool, you will all be jealous. Because, while you're sitting in your air conditioned house, protected from all the heat, I'll be standing in my backyard. I'll walk around my pool, as the sun reflects off the water, and think about how wonderful it will be to jump in.......In 12 hours.......after I get the water checked......and give a high school student $350 for some concoction that will keep mosquitos, carrying the West Nile Virus, out of my pool......and 12 more short hours later, I'll........be dumping more chemicals in, because the PHQ level, whatever that is, has gotten out of control........But, 12 hours after that.........Oh, screw it.....
I'm going to the beach.
Casey
DON'T FORGET, THIS SATURDAY AT 7PM I'LL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT, BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS, AND THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER. CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AND TRCIA LA'VICIOUS WILL BE CALLING ALL THE ACTION FOR THE FASTEST GROWING SPORT IN THE COUNTRY. COME ON OUT, HAVE SOME FUN, ENJOY THE BOUT AND DON'T FORGET TO COME OVER AND SAY HI. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN!!!!
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sound Fatherly Advice....And Mine
When one is a parent, one is sometimes forced to deal with things. You see, God has a sense of humor (hence my hairline), and in one of his more "zany" moments, he opted to give children mouths. Not that this is an entirely bad idea. I mean, they gotta eat, right?
Possibly more troubling than the "mouth" issue is the fact that he gave them brains, too. When these evil creations work in unison, nothing good can come of it. I don't know that this is entirely horrible with boys. Mine can't talk, yet. When he can, if he's anything like his father, most of the questions will probably have to do with "boogers."
When a man has a daughter, you must beware the "question" phase of your relationship. The big problem with this is that, as with most women, your own daughter will ease you along with a variety of seemingly innocent questions. "Daddy, how do they make rocks?" Or, "Daddy, why is the grass green?" Or, "Daddy, why did you pause the Tivo on the scene with all the cheerleaders?"
Then...........BAM!!!!!
God's little punchline kicks in.
The questions become hard. It's like jumping from finger painting to quantum physics. Luckily, some of us fathers' deal with this in a mature, thoughtful, intelligent manner......And, some of us are named Casey Bartholomew, and are still seeking the answers to the great "booger" questions of our youth.
Since I am old (38 and counting), and I have other friends who have daughters.....Friends who don't think it's funny to teach their kids the wrong words for things.....I have compiled a list of questions asked by their little girls, and the answers that they have given.....along with the answers that I have given. I'll leave it to you to decide whose daughter is going to end up with a PHD, and whose daughter is going to be able to provide her father with a free flowing supply of chicken mc nuggets.
QUESTION:
Daddy, why do girls have boobs?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Actually, sweetie, the proper way to say it is "breasts." But, to answer your question, when God was making people, he decided that there should be a natural way for a mother to not only provide food for her baby, but also be able to bond with them. So, he gave mommies breasts so that they would be able to develop that special bond. This is a kind of special bond that will last until mommy is watching over you from heaven.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
Hehehehe.....You said boobs.
QUESTION:
Daddy, what's it mean when a boy says that he wants to kiss you?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Oh, baby. It means that he probably has a little crush on you. But, you're a little to young to be doing things like that. I think you should tell him that you guys are just friends. If, in a couple of years, he still feels the same way then you can just bring him home to meet the old man, and we'll see about you guys going on a real date, okay?
CASEY'S ANSWER:
See if you can find out how much money his parents make. Then, don't come right out and say it, but let him know that you might be open to the idea of kissing him. When he finally does, start crying and run to one of your teachers. Then, come home and tell daddy, right away. I have a lawyer on retainer for just this kind of thing.
QUESTION:
Daddy, where do babies come from?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
When mommies and daddys' love each other, they do something very special to show that love. Sometimes out of that, a beautiful little baby comes into the world. When that happens, a little angel comes down from heaven to make the world a better place.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
China, usually. Sometimes Russia. Now, stop bugging me. I'm trying to watch the Spanish soap operas.
QUESTION:
Daddy, what's a period?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Sweetie, I think that's something that you would be more comfortable talking with mommy about.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
That's when daddy breathes a BIG sigh of relief.......Hehehehe....You said period.
QUESTION:
Daddy, what's sex?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Well, honey, remember when you asked me where babies come from? Well, sex is something that a man and a woman do, when they are in love. You'll know when the time is right, because some special boy will have asked you to marry him. And, on your wedding night, the two of you will share something special that only a man and a wife can share. I think I might cry, just thinking about it. I'll be so happy for you.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
Sss....uh.....sex?.....Oh......Uh.....That's uh........That would be when.......Well.....you know.....boys and girls......They.....uh........Well......You know how you have those pictures of the Jonas Brothers up in your room?......Well, you think they're cute........And.....uh.......And......Someday, you might think a boy is cute.....And.......Well.......Sex?.......Was it sex?..........Oh.........Uh..........It's a car..........A German car, I think.......I wouldn't ever drive one, if I were you......And, if a boy ever tells you that he WANTS to drive one with you, tell me........He will need to be killed, dead.
So, as you can clearly see, some fathers will be sugarcoating reality for their little girls. I, on the other hand, will be force feeding the facts of life to my little girl.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to head down to McDonald's to get my daughter and application. She's 8 1/2. I don't see any reason in delaying the inevitable.
DON'T FORGET THAT THIS WEEKEND, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS, AND THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS. IT'S TAKING PLACE AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT, STARTING AT 7PM. COME ON DOWN AND SEE TRICIA LA"VICIOUS AND ME, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AND HAVE SOME FUN. IF YOU DON'T, I WILL BE FORCED TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTERS ABOUT SEX. I DON'T THINK ANY OF US WANTS THAT.
Casey
Possibly more troubling than the "mouth" issue is the fact that he gave them brains, too. When these evil creations work in unison, nothing good can come of it. I don't know that this is entirely horrible with boys. Mine can't talk, yet. When he can, if he's anything like his father, most of the questions will probably have to do with "boogers."
When a man has a daughter, you must beware the "question" phase of your relationship. The big problem with this is that, as with most women, your own daughter will ease you along with a variety of seemingly innocent questions. "Daddy, how do they make rocks?" Or, "Daddy, why is the grass green?" Or, "Daddy, why did you pause the Tivo on the scene with all the cheerleaders?"
Then...........BAM!!!!!
God's little punchline kicks in.
The questions become hard. It's like jumping from finger painting to quantum physics. Luckily, some of us fathers' deal with this in a mature, thoughtful, intelligent manner......And, some of us are named Casey Bartholomew, and are still seeking the answers to the great "booger" questions of our youth.
Since I am old (38 and counting), and I have other friends who have daughters.....Friends who don't think it's funny to teach their kids the wrong words for things.....I have compiled a list of questions asked by their little girls, and the answers that they have given.....along with the answers that I have given. I'll leave it to you to decide whose daughter is going to end up with a PHD, and whose daughter is going to be able to provide her father with a free flowing supply of chicken mc nuggets.
QUESTION:
Daddy, why do girls have boobs?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Actually, sweetie, the proper way to say it is "breasts." But, to answer your question, when God was making people, he decided that there should be a natural way for a mother to not only provide food for her baby, but also be able to bond with them. So, he gave mommies breasts so that they would be able to develop that special bond. This is a kind of special bond that will last until mommy is watching over you from heaven.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
Hehehehe.....You said boobs.
QUESTION:
Daddy, what's it mean when a boy says that he wants to kiss you?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Oh, baby. It means that he probably has a little crush on you. But, you're a little to young to be doing things like that. I think you should tell him that you guys are just friends. If, in a couple of years, he still feels the same way then you can just bring him home to meet the old man, and we'll see about you guys going on a real date, okay?
CASEY'S ANSWER:
See if you can find out how much money his parents make. Then, don't come right out and say it, but let him know that you might be open to the idea of kissing him. When he finally does, start crying and run to one of your teachers. Then, come home and tell daddy, right away. I have a lawyer on retainer for just this kind of thing.
QUESTION:
Daddy, where do babies come from?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
When mommies and daddys' love each other, they do something very special to show that love. Sometimes out of that, a beautiful little baby comes into the world. When that happens, a little angel comes down from heaven to make the world a better place.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
China, usually. Sometimes Russia. Now, stop bugging me. I'm trying to watch the Spanish soap operas.
QUESTION:
Daddy, what's a period?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Sweetie, I think that's something that you would be more comfortable talking with mommy about.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
That's when daddy breathes a BIG sigh of relief.......Hehehehe....You said period.
QUESTION:
Daddy, what's sex?
GOOD FATHER ANSWER:
Well, honey, remember when you asked me where babies come from? Well, sex is something that a man and a woman do, when they are in love. You'll know when the time is right, because some special boy will have asked you to marry him. And, on your wedding night, the two of you will share something special that only a man and a wife can share. I think I might cry, just thinking about it. I'll be so happy for you.
CASEY'S ANSWER:
Sss....uh.....sex?.....Oh......Uh.....That's uh........That would be when.......Well.....you know.....boys and girls......They.....uh........Well......You know how you have those pictures of the Jonas Brothers up in your room?......Well, you think they're cute........And.....uh.......And......Someday, you might think a boy is cute.....And.......Well.......Sex?.......Was it sex?..........Oh.........Uh..........It's a car..........A German car, I think.......I wouldn't ever drive one, if I were you......And, if a boy ever tells you that he WANTS to drive one with you, tell me........He will need to be killed, dead.
So, as you can clearly see, some fathers will be sugarcoating reality for their little girls. I, on the other hand, will be force feeding the facts of life to my little girl.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to head down to McDonald's to get my daughter and application. She's 8 1/2. I don't see any reason in delaying the inevitable.
DON'T FORGET THAT THIS WEEKEND, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS, AND THE GOTHEM CITY GIRLS. IT'S TAKING PLACE AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, ON SATURDAY NIGHT, STARTING AT 7PM. COME ON DOWN AND SEE TRICIA LA"VICIOUS AND ME, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, AND HAVE SOME FUN. IF YOU DON'T, I WILL BE FORCED TO TALK TO YOUR DAUGHTERS ABOUT SEX. I DON'T THINK ANY OF US WANTS THAT.
Casey
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