There are some rules, that you need to be made aware of, if you are going to care for a woman who broke her ankle, hand surgery on it, THEN had to have an emergency c-section......
Now, even though my own wife just broke her ankle, and had the c-section, I AM NOT addressing any specific person, or circumstance, when I offer these rules. Were I to do that, I would be leaving myself open to being murdered in my sleep.......No, I'm talking about OTHER people.....People I've NEVER met....People who DON'T live in my house..............Are we clear? Good.
RULE #1:
DON'T ask your wife how she is doing (dummy.) She fell down and broke her ankle (you idiot.) Then, she got to have an emergency c-section (bonehead.) How do you think she's doing (doofus?)
She's laying in a bed, with a cast on, unable to move, in pain, cranky, and she can't even get up to pick up her own son. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out that SHE'S PROBABLY NOT DOING TO GREAT, ACE!!!!! (Not that I would know. I would NEVER ask such a stupid question......I certainly wouldn't do it twice.....on the same day........that would be dumb......Yep.)
RULE #2:
DON'T ask your wife is there's anything YOU can do.
Can YOU fix her ankle? No? Didn't think so.
Can YOU make her c-section scar stop hurting? No? Really? All that "radio training (not me)" didn't prepare you for that, huh? Shocking.
Can YOU make so that she doesn't have to depend on EVERYONE else, for EVERYTHING? No? Well, you were quite a catch, weren't you. She is so glad she married you. I mean, just look at how helpful you are.
RULE #3:
DON'T feel sorry for her.
Do you think she wants your pity? Do you think she doesn't KNOW that this is a bad situation? Do you think she wants some overgrown kid, in a Kermit the Frog hat staring at her, sadly? (Again, not me. Some other, random, overgrown kid in a Kermit the Frog hat.)
Yeah, that's perfect. Depress her. Pity her. Make her feel worse. Why, I wouldn't be surprised if you were up for the Husband Of The Year Award.
You're doing a great job of cheering her up, Sparky!!! What else can you do to lighten the mood, a little, Genius? I know, why don't you drown a bag full of kittens while she watches. That'll perk her right up.
You're not very bright, are you? (By "you" I mean YOU....Not ME.....I'M doing everything right......I heard that.)
RULE #4:
STOP trying to cheer her up.
Do you REALLY think YOU can cheer her up? Do you?
Well, I've got an idea. Why don't you turn the oven on, place your head inside, and breathe deeply? At this point in time, I think that would go A LONG way toward cheering her up.
RULE #5:
DON'T ask her if there's anything she needs.
Are you stupid AND blind?
SHE CAN'T WALK, EINSTEIN!!!!!!
You know what she needs?
Hmmmm.......
Let me think......
Wait, I've got it......
She needs......EVERYTHING!!!!!
Most importantly, she NEEDS for you to stop being an idiot, and asking stupid questions. YOU'RE just a radio talk show host....If she NEEDED anything from you, she would call your little show, "radio-boy."
RULE #6:
Shut-up
Just.....shut.....up.
You can't say ANYTHING right....
You can't DO anything right.....
EVERY TIME YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH SOMETHING STUPID COMES OUT.
Got it?
Good.
So, let's review.
Your wife is in pain.
She just had a baby.
She can't walk.
AND....Her boneheaded husband keeps nagging her, about stupid things that he can't do anything about, anyway.
Hmmmm.....
I would go with RULE #6, and then pray that she doesn't walk anytime soon, and kill you.
I won't have to worry about this, though. MY wife is a wonderful woman, who is also VERY patient and understanding.
I would just like to say, though, that at this point in time I am very healthy. Should I happen to die in my sleep, for unknown reasons, please take the appropriate actions.
Thank you.
Casey
Casey
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
10 comments:
I hope not too many other wives read your blog. I know Brooke isn't reading it, she doesn't need to, because she has the perfect husband who is not annoying the ever loving pus out of her!!
Maybe my husband can read your blog... I might just direct him toward it. I thank you for this information...
I hope that other husband you are talking about has learned to just do whatever needs to be done without asking his wife for anything. You have certainly hit the nail on the head when you said not to ask anything. Ever. Really, we just wish you (and by you I mean all husbands in general, not you, Casey the radio guy) could figure everything out for yourselves and stop bugging us to make all the decisions for you, explain stuff, tell you where stuff is, tell you what's on our minds, or whatever. Really, we want to be just LEFT ALONE, except for those rare appearances where you can be helpful without needing us to give you any guidance AT ALL.
Awww Casey - I really feel for you after reading this. Is this the kinda self-depricating humor one does to voice their true feelings?
If so, I really do feel bad for you. We always want to help the ones we love; eventhough we know we can't, and I'm sure your wife appreciates your concern, even if it seems a little overbearing.
"My advice to you is to start drinking... heavily!" Animal House
Jesus... Don't die, Casey. I don't think I can handle another week of Ray the Prize Guy!
oh, btw... is it me, or is that briansnj a little strange?
Hello From Michigan Casey
Not that I want to be critical or anything, but your wife "HAD" surgery not "HAND" surgery... Just saying... I know you normally do everything right and wouldn't wish another sugery on your wife, much less on her hand.
(you don't really wear a Kermit had, do you?)
Geeze, now you passed it along to me! Hat not HAD! LOL
Casey, we really don't check spelling on blogs! Glad to have you back in NJ, congratulations to you and Brooke on the birth of miracle Max!!
Hey Case,Interesting Blog No Kidding. Why Are You Always Saying That There Isnt Anyone Who Reads Them?Just Imagine How Rossi Must Feel.Legs Lifts,ab Crunches and Some Kinda Ball!!! Please Already
Post a Comment