It's All Fun And Games Until They Start Sacrificing Virgins

I've been getting a lot of crap, lately, for not blogging more. Considering that NOBODY actually reads my blog, I found that more than a little interesting.

Listen......

My wife busted her ankle, and can't even walk.

My son was born 5 weeks early.

My family is getting ready to move half way across the country.

AND......This is probably the most important thing.........Given my wife's current state, the next time I have sex the human race will probably have evolved to a point that I won't even know how to do it, anymore. I had thought about NOT writing a blog again until I could have "relations" with my wife. It helps my creative process. But, I assessed the situation, and realized that we would probably all be dead, by then. So, I decided to blog.

It's not like there haven't been things to blog about.

Last week they published pictures of a tribe in Brazil that they said, "has had no contact with the outside world, and we would like to keep it that way."

Then they proceeded to show several pictures of this tribe staring, and pointing bows and arrows at a camera, on a plane, that has come from......Ready?........THE OUTSIDE WORLD!!!!!!

Good move.

This means that there is now one LESS tribe who has not had contact with the outside world.

These were scientists........The so-called "smart people."

Just for future reference, GENIUSES, when you fly a modern plane over a tribal camp, and take pictures, this would be considered "contact."

Not only that. But, I think that we could consider this to be NEGATIVE contact. You see, you scared the living crap out of them. This explains why they were pointing their weapons at you, and trying to kill the GIANT METALIC BIRD that was circling overhead.

How do you think THAT went over?

First Tribal Guy: Whaddya make of that, Earl?

Second Tribal Guy: Ya' got me. I've never seen anything like it.

First Tribal Guy: It seems to be hovering, and pointing something at us.

Second Tribal Guy: You know, I believe you're right.

First Tribal Guy: Think maybe we outta kill it?

Second Tribal Guy: I think that might be the way to go.

First Tribal Guy: Okay, let's just....Wait....It's leaving.

Second Tribal Guy: You don't think we made it angry, do you?

First Tribal Guy: Well, there's always that chance.

Second Tribal Guy: You suppose we outta sacrifice some virgins?

First Tribal Guy: It might be best. It's always worked before.

So, because a bunch of dopey scientists decided to scare the hell out of some "undiscovered" people, we've now led them to believe that they have made "the metallic bird god" angry, and a bunch of innocent virgins are going to have to die.

Do you ever wonder why so many teen girls are having sex? Because they know that, if they don't, some religious freak is going to come around and "sacrifice" them to some bizarre deity. I don't know about YOU, but that would be reason enough for me to hop into the backseat, and give up my virtue.......Of course we are talking about ME, here. There wasn't exactly a line of girls waiting to take my virtue. Not to be crude, or anything, but if I'd put my virtue on ebay, the auction probably would have expired without any bids. It's okay.....I'm good with it.

Now, I know I'm picking on the scientists for not wanting to have contact with these people by using a method that involves having contact with them (boneheads.) But, I also don't see the point of NOT having contact with them. I mean, why not? Let's not forget that WE used to live in caves, and huts. Then, we figured out a better way. Don't you think it would be nice to go to their tribe and that life can be a little easier? I'd be happy to do it.

Me: How do you guys get clothes?

Tribal Guy: Well, after killing an animal for food, and utilizing all parts of the creature, which we consider to be holy, we skin it, and cut up the pelt into individual pieces. Then, using a "hook and eye" method, we attach the pieces together and fasten them over our bodies. During the cooler months, we use a similar method with the fur of the various animals that our gods have provided for us. How do you do it?

Me: Go to the mall.

Tribal Guy: What's a "mall?"

Me: A collection of stores that our gods have provided for us.

Tribal Guy: Who are your gods?

Me: Target, mostly. Sometimes Wal-Mart.

Tribal Guy: I see.

Me: Is that a Starbuck's?

Tribal Guy: Sure. We're primitive, but we aren't savages.

So, you see, it doesn't make any sense to keep these people living in dirt huts, when we've already discovered a better way. It's selfish, and I think it's being done just to make us feel superior.

"I had a bad day, but at least I'm not living in a hut, with angry metallic bird gods, sacrificing virgins," we can say.

Just remember, though. The LESS consumers we have, the MORE angry the Wal-Mart gods will become. One day it will all come to a head. That, my friends, will be a bad day to be a virgin.

Until then, send the virgins my way. I promise to be nice.

Casey