Sometimes, Crashing Would Be A Good Thing

I don't always like to blog about what happens on my many trips to the airport. It makes me feel like a bad stand-up comedian ("Boy, aren't airplane bathrooms small? What's up with that? Ba-dum-bum!) Then, I realized that I WAS, at one time, a bad stand-up comedian. I think this should give me a pass. Plus, the bulk of my life is spent in airports, now, which hopefully explains the lack of blogs. We're going to get back up to speed. But, sleep has become almost as rare as sex with my wife. So, I'm prioritizing!!!

Anyway, I went to the airport yesterday and got into the security line. There weren't many people there, yet, and I saw this guy coming toward the line.....

Don't get in the line......

Don't get in the line.....

Don't get in the line.....

I kept saying over and over to myself. You see, he had a mask on. Not a Batman mask, or anything like that. It was one of those yellow, surgical masks that doctors wear so that they don't cough into your heart valves, when they have you cut open. And, this guy was wearing one.....RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!

No one thought to stop him. No one said anything like, "So, what's up with the whole mask thing?" No one said a word. He just kept coming at me, with his nondescript headgear, carrying God knows what!!!!

I felt I had a right to know. I mean, are YOU being protected from US? Or, are WE being protected from YOU? Is your body so delicate that it can't handle the subtle intake of our various chemical products? Or, is that mask nothing more than a thin, paper barrier meant to protect ME from whatever disease filled chunks are about to come spewing out of your lungs? HUH!?!! I need some information, here, Bubble Boy!!!!

But, alas, no one said a word. He walked up behind me, thus infecting me with the alien spores, and wandered right through security. Now, my chest is itchy, and tight. Thank you, VERY MUCH!!! On a side note, though, if you are planning on wearing a mask to the airport, and don't want to be asked any silly questions about it, might I suggest Lambert Airport, in St. Louis. Apparently, they haven't caught up with all those pesky "security" issues just yet.

Then, when I went to go wait for my plane, the person sitting next to me decided that he wanted to be my BEST FRIEND. I don't know why he chose me. There were other empty seats, and I don't have what I would consider to be an overwhelmingly friendly face. In fact, normally I'm looking down. This way, I don't run the risk of talking to overly friendly people.......Like the one who sat down next to me.

I don't care for people like this. They live by the rule: "THERE ARE NO STRANGERS IN THE WORLD. JUST FRIENDS YOU HAVEN'T MET, YET."

What people like this fail to understand is that I live by a different rule: "LEAVE ME ALONE, OR I WILL JAB MY PEN INTO YOUR THROAT!!"

Unfortunately, I did not currently have a pen. So I tried to ignore him.

Satan: Where are you headed, today?

Me: Home.

Satan: Really? Where's home?

Me: Well, since the plane is going to Philly, I'm guessing it's somewhere near there.

Satan: HA HA....Yeah, I'm headin' home, too.

Me: (looking down. saying nothing)

Satan: Do you like to fly?

Me: It gets me there.

Satan: HA HA...Yeah, it really does, doesn't it?

Me: (looking down. saying nothing.)

Satan: So, what's your game?

Me: My game?

Satan: What do you do for a living?

(Note: I don't tell people what I do for a living, because A) it's embarrassing, and B) people think it's far more interesting than it actually is, and won't stop bothering me about it. "Do you know Howard Stern?" No, I don't know Howard Stern.)

Me: I'm in fast food.

Satan: Really? What end?

Me: Fries, mostly. But, I'm hoping to work my way up to the drive thru.

Satan: Well, that's nice.

Me: Isn't it? Hey, will you wait right here, until I come back?

Satan: Sure. Where you headed?

Me: I need to go find a pen.......BADLY!!

When I finally managed to get on the plane, an hour late, I realized that we were flying with a wedding party. This is all good and well. But, when there is a wedding party on a plane, the flight attendants seem to think that ALL of us are sad that we didn't get invited, and that we would ALL like to celebrate the wedding on the plane. We don't. Most of us want to watch the Disney travel shows that we have downloaded on our ipods. But, no one bothered to ask US.

So, we did fake vows, and we cheered, and we laughed, and at least one guy (I don't know who) turned his ipod up REALLY LOUD, so that he wouldn't have to hear any of this.

Then, when some bad turbulence came, this guy found himself wishing that we would actually crash. Then, when we didn't, this random guy cried, just a little, because he realized that he was going to have to do this all over again, next week.

Poor Guy.

Casey