Let's take a look into the future..........
My future........
This weekend, to be specific......
It's going to suck, in case you were wondering.For the people who follow my life in this blog, you know that, aside from YOU seriously needing to get a life, I currently live in New Jersey while my wife, daughter, and almost-son live in Missouri. Right now, they are getting ready to move here. In order to help accomplish this task we are going to engage in a psuedo satanic ritual known as a YARD SALE!!!!!!
This is where we will spend several hours, in the sun, trying to sell things to people that I WANTED TO THROW AWAY!!!!!!
AND, when I say "we" I mean "I" will spend several hours in the sun, selling garbage. If any of these people had half a brain, they wouldn't come by SATURDAY morning....They would come by MONDAY morning when this VERY SAME STUFF will be sitting at my curb, waiting for the garbage truck, and they could take it all for FREE!!!!
But, no. Not them. These are savy, motivated garbage collecters. They would not lower themselves to taking FREE garbage. They only want garbage that they can PAY for. Or, better yet, HAGGLE over.
Customer: How much do you want for this smelly, empty milk carton?
Me: Well, it's been in the family for years. How about .10 cents?
Customer: I'll give you .05 cents for it.
Me: .07 cents!!
Customer: .06 cents!!
Me: SOLD!!!
Customer: HA!!!! FOOL!!!! I would have gone as high as .08 cents!!!! FACE!!!!
Me: Damn.
And this is how it will go, for several hours.
The best part is that we have baby clothes. Tons of baby clothes. We have NEVER thrown away even a single stitch of clothing that my daughter, who is now 8, has worn. We always thought that we were going to have another baby. Plus, we always thought that it was going to be a girl. We already HAD a girl. My wife is a girl. I wear a Kermit the Frog hat, and collect Mickey Mouse watches. So, it just made sense that we would have another girl. Of course, God having a sense of humor about my life, we are having a boy. That means that, not only to we have to invest in tons of clothing, which we will also NEVER throw away, for a boy, I also had to carry 1,376 heavy boxes of old clothes up from the basement.
We have been told that this is a good thing. People love baby clothes. They LOVE going through boxes and boxes of vomit encrusted, musty, 7 year old baby clothes. Personally, I think this is an odd "fetish" thing, and every one of these people need to be reported, and should have to register. But, if they're willing to take it away from my house, I'm willing to give them a pass.
This will also bring out, I'm told, the grandparents. The elderly. I don't care for the elderly. All they want to do is "talk" to you......Often times, about nothing.....It's just that no one REALLY wants to talk to them. So, when they have an idiot (me), who was stupid enough to have a yard sale (again, me), with boxes of baby clothes it will become the senior citizen social event of the season.
Old Person: How much for this cute little outfit?
Me: $2.
Old Person: I have a granddaughter.
Me: I don't care.
Old Person: She lives in Oregon.
Me: I don't care.
Old Person: Would you like to see a picture?
Me: No.
Old Person: That's her, in the middle.
Me: I don't care.
Old Person: Isn't she cute?
Me: No.
Old Person: They never call.
Me: I can see why.
Old Person: Isn't it a lovely day?
Me: It was, until about :30 seconds ago.
Old Person: I just love yard sales, don't you?
Me: No. It forces me to talk to people like you.
Old Person: How long have you lived in this house?
Me: I'd say, about a day too long.
Old Person: Is that your cat?
Me: Yes.
Old Person: I have a cat.
Me: I would have thought several.
Old Person: Would you like to see a picture?
Me: No
Old Person: (Author's Note: At this point the old person magically vanished. If you know what's good for you, you won't ask any questions about it. It's a big ocean. People get lost. It happens every day.)
So, that will be my weekend. The really sad part is that THAT is the most positive version of it that my mind could come up with. Odds are pretty good that it's going to be worse!!! There may be an entire BUSLOAD of old people!!!! Have you ever noticed that? They don't always have things to do, so they put the elderly on a bus and drive them places. Probably to MY HOUSE, this weekend!!!!!
SEE???????
God mocks me!!!!!!
Hell, I imagine, is a huge yard sale, on a hot day, with cheap people, and old women..............And I get to live it, this weeknd.What do you think Monday's blog will be about?
Ugh........
Casey
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4 comments:
Casey, you forgot to mention the early birds... the most pathetic garbage collectors of all!
Hi, Casey! I am a recently new (Nov. 07) listener to 101.5. Changed jobs and tuned in to listen to traffic news but now listen al the time. I catch Jim Gearhart in the morning and you and Rossi on my way home. You both make me laugh so much I wonder what the other commuters on the GSP are thinking when I laugh out loud and either nod in agreement or shake my head in "disbelief" at your comments. You make my 1/2 hour ride fun and this winter when it took me almost 3 hours to get home due to a snowstorm "The Jersey Guys" kept me company all the way.!!
Hope your garage sale went well. I had one a few years ago .. never again. It's much easier to donate the stuff to charity. Just be sure to keep an itemized list (yes that's right) of what you give away. You can claim it on your 08 taxes as a donation to charity. It's value adds up pretty quickly (thanks, turbo tax). I never thought my junk was worth so much! This is the way I'm going from now on. And you don't have the scavengers picking through your "leftovers" at the curb making a mess.
Love your blogs. I went back to the first and read them all, Happy Move!!
Hello; Since this is the first time I have ever replied or read your bolg that you so eagerly hype on your show, I felt it was my duty, my responcibility, and my curiousity (in case you respond to in after 4 when I listen to you going home from work), to respond. I work at a nursing home where the budget is non existant for supplies. So being in recreation and being surrounded by people unable to get out or afford simple luxuries like an old radio that still workd or a board game with most pieces, I shop yard sales when I can. I find bargains and use them to improve the quality of life for my residents. On the other hand I too have had a yard sale and know what it is like to be haggled for a cheaper price. Suprisingly enough, when people know I am shopping for bingo prizes, the give me their junk free and I in turn look like a hero. I am grateful to those people. On the other hand I hhave been to yard sales where the prices are like target or more.. how much to they expect people to pay for second hand stuff? So Casey, I feel your pain.. what's your address so I too can strike up a conversation you will be dodging? Good luck and here's a suggestion, give the junk away as prizes, people will be glad to get anything off your show.... caseyblogreader
I'm the guy who called last night and told you to apologize to Ray. Have you?
The blog about your wife's accident brought tears to my eyes, but this one made me laugh out loud.
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