MR. ANSWER GUY AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM!!!!

Call your neighbors......

Get the kids..........

Turn off the phone.........

TiVo whatever pathetic reality show you're watching.........

I have drank from the fountain of knowledge, and I am hear to answer(ish) life's biggest questions.....

I AM...............

MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!

How ya' doin'?

Let's get started.....

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

My son asked me what the HBO mini series John Adams is about. Do you know??

Arlene-Flemington

If I'm not mistaken, I believe that is the one about the big time, Hollywood actor who, after achieving a level of success, asks all his friends from "the neighborhood" to come out and live with him. He pays them all to, basically, be his friends and go to all the big Hollywood parties with him. I think Matt Dillon's brother is in it, too. It's either that one, or the one about the polygamist in Utah (shocking), who is trying to juggle the demands of everyday life, with 3 wives. Something that all of us can relate to. Either way, your kid asks too many questions. Just plop him down in front of the TV, and go sit outside your trailer. You have better things to do than answer a bunch of questions from some mouthy punk.

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

I'm a nerdy guy (nerdy enough to study computer science). I go to acollege that happens to cater to my kind. However this leaves me witha dillema. The male to female ration is around 7:3 which iscompounded by my major course of study (which is likely a 7:1 ratio).What should I do?

Patrick - Somewhere in New Jersey

First, learn how to spell "dilemma." People will always be suspect of a computer scientist who doesn't even know how to use spell check. As to your question, there are literally millions of, shall we say, "special interest" web sites, of an adult nature, on the internet. I would start checking those out. If you are what you describe, I'm afraid that's as close as you're going to come, my friend. These aren't my rules. They're God's rules.

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

How do I tell my friend's girlfriend that I'm in love with her?

Neil - Plainfield

You DON'T, you bonehead!!!!

You've seen too many bad sitcoms, or John Hughes movies. You are a pathetic loser!!! I know what you THINK is going to happen if you tell her. You THINK she's going to look at you, and tell you that YOU were the one that she was really interested in. You THINK she's going to lose any feelings she had for your friend, call him up, dump him, and make herself 100% available to you. Then, you THINK that your "friend" is going to come to your house, his eyes still wet from the tears, and tell you that everything is "cool." But, he will make you promise to treat her right, and never hurt her. Then, he will give you a "man hug," and the three of you will remain good friends for the rest of your lives. Then the screen will fade to black, and the credits will roll.

That's what you THINK will happen.

YOU are an idiot.

Here's what's REALLY going to happen.

You will come up with some boneheaded plan to get her alone. It doesn't matter how you do it. It won't make sense to anyone else. But, since you're a bonehead, it will make perfect sense to YOU. Then, when you have her alone, you'll tell her. "I just wanted you to know that I was in love with you."

Then there will be a long, awkward silence where she will try and figure out the best way to blow you off, easily, yet NOT have you hack her to a thousand pieces with the ax that you probably have on you, and store her remains in the trunk before you dump them in the ocean. Because, you see, YOU are insane. This explains why it was so difficult to actually GET her alone. She doesn't WANT to be alone with you, because you make her feel uncomfortable. When you're not there, she asks her boyfriend "Do we HAVE to take Neil with us?"

Then, it gets better. After letting you down easy, because she doesn't want to be murdered by you, she goes back and tells her boyfriend. Instead of coming to your house, and giving you a "man hug," and telling you that everything is okay, he tells you that you're lucky he doesn't beat the snot out of you. Then, he tells you that, if he ever sees you talking to his girlfriend again, that he will beat you worse than you've ever been beaten before. Then, he will leave and tell all the rest of your friends what a bonehead you are. At this point, none of them will want to be around you, because you are so freaking stupid, AND you tried to betray a friend. You will end up friendless, and alone. Forever.

Keep your trap shut. Try internet dating. Most of them are large mutants. But, you won't end up dying by yourself. I guess that's something.

By the way, don't ask me how I KNOW what will happen. I just do.......shut up.

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck, if a wood chuck would chuck wood?

Patty - Fort Lee

Stop being obvious. It's beneath you.

Dear Mr. Answer Guy,

What do I do about VPL?

Melissa - Lodi

I've never truly understood why women worry about this. Mind you, I know women think men are dumb. For the most part, you are right. We are dumb. BUT, we do know that women wear underwear. There are entire stores in malls devoted to this. We caught on years ago. Then, on the rare occasion that we were able to see some of you OUT of your clothes, one of the first things we noticed were the panties. We did not, I repeat NOT think that it was some sort of floral/lace layer of skin that you had developed through evolution. Plus, and this may shock you, we're okay with it. We wear underwear, generally. We know that YOU wear underwear. So, if we see evidence of it, we aren't going to run screaming into the night. Trust me. The following conversation has NEVER happened: (note: I have used a modern vernacular in order to appeal to the younger "hip" crowd that may be reading my blog.)

Guy 1: "Yo' G......Did you have sexual relations with that visually pleasing young woman, of the opposite sex, that I scoped you with at the Hip Hop presentation, two evenings prior?"

Guy 2: "Negative, Dawwwwwwwwg. Check out the words I am saying.....I was escorting her to my pimped out ride, when I noticed an angular line on her buttocks, thus denoting the presence of undergarments. It was whack."

Guy 1: "You must have been bummed, to the max, Bro."

Guy 2: "Word."

I'm assuming this conversation took place in a back ally, somewhere in "the hood." But, still, the point is the same. Guys don't care about VPL. You don't have to worry about us. You do have to worry about OTHER women, though. THEY care about VPL, and will tell everyone in earshot if you have it. It's one of many reasons that I'm glad I'm a guy.

Unless you were talking about Microsoft Visual Programming Language (VPL), which is an application development environment designed on a graphical data-flow-based programming model rather than control flow typically found in conventional programming. If that's the case, you need to call Bill Gates. Computers aren't my thing.

Done!!!!!

The world's problems solved, again, by me: MR. ANSWER GUY!!!!!!!!

If you have any questions for the next, riveting edition just send them to mranswerguy@gmail.com

I will do my best to save the world, one question at a time!!!!!

It's my thing.

Casey