The Princess.......Is Snoring.

When your beautiful wife, whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with, comes to you and tells you that you are going to have a baby you need to get ready for a major life change.

I'm talking about, of course, the snoring.

Second time fathers, like myself, are not shocked by this. It's the first time dads who hear the news of their pending fatherhood, shed a tear, and think about what the future will hold for their little bundles of joy. It won't be until roughly six to seven months down the road that they wake up in the middle of the night and say:

"What, in the name of all things holy, is that freaking noise!?!!! Did someone break into the house with a chainsaw!?!!!"

Ah........The miracle of creating life.

The second time dads will understand what I'm talking about. You see, when my wife told ME that we were going to have another baby, my first thoughts were not of names, or colleges, or telling the grandparents. My first thought was, "Geez....I'm not gonna get ANY sleep."

Now, my delicate flower of a wife is ripping the roof off the joint, whenever we go to bed. I was raised in a house full of men. My mom is the only other woman I've ever lived with. Girls aren't SUPPOSED to snore, or have gas, or use harsh language. I was such a fool.....Wait.....Maybe "idiot" would be more fitting.

On TV, which was my only experience with women before I met my wife, this doesn't happen. The women get pregnant, they get bigger, they start to knit, and they get odd cravings for things. That doesn't REALLY happen in real life. What REALLY happens is that they get......please understand that I'm not trying to be offensive in any way, shape, or form.......SCARY.

They snore.......LOUDLY........and get mad if you say anything.

They have gas.......AND IT'S NOT CUTE.

They kick you, while you sleep, then get mad at YOU for trying to sleep where they were CLEARLY going to put their foot!!!!!

Then, they accuse you of lying, in your blog, and making up stories about them. You try and convince them that you AREN'T lying, and that you are just trying to give advice to OTHER guys who have not yet experienced the....uh.....JOY of pregnancy. Then, they don't speak to you for a while, and you start to think that they WERE NOT, in fact, asleep when they were kicking you in bed, last night. But, you are to scared to say anything because YOU are afraid that they might stop kicking you, and actually do something WORSE. You don't know what that could be, but you've seen the softball bat that your delicate flower keeps next to the bed (in case someone breaks in.....right), and you're worried that you might wake up with a broken arm, or fractured skull, or something along those lines. You try and tell yourself that its all "hormones," whatever the hell that means, and that it's not HER fault. So, you try to apologize for some of the things you've done. You hope that this will make her feel better, AND extend your personal life expectancy. But, something about YOU makes it impossible for you to stop doing stupid things. This is why, when you casually mention that your daughter's second grade teacher is, quote, "smokin' hot," you see that glare that makes you realize that you might NEVER live to see your unborn son. I mean, it's not YOUR fault that your daughter's teacher is hot. YOU didn't make her. God did (my compliments to God, by the way.) So, you fail to see why YOU should be punished for something you didn't even do. But, rather, you were simply making an observation. Probably one that several of the other fathers have made, too.

Uh..........Anyway...........That is the TRUE beauty of pregnancy..................

If you will excuse me, now, I'm going to try and get some sleep................In the spare bedroom..............With the door locked..............And the dresser pushed against it.............Pregnant women are unusually strong, too.

Casey