If Harrison Ford's Chest Hair Goes, We're All Doomed!!!

My daughter just turned 9 years old. Which, of course, means that I am 9 years older, too. When she is 10, I’ll be 40. When she is 20, I’ll be 50. When she is 39, I’ll be 69!!! And, just for fun, when she is 242, I’LL be 272 YEARS OLD!!!

OH MY GOD!!!!!!

I’M GOING TO DIE!!!!

How many people do YOU know who made it to 272? Not many, I’m guessing. Which has caused me to reaccess my life. Being that I am only 39, and a very young 39 at that, this simple chart will illustrate how I have spent my time on this earth:


WHAT CASEY DID WHILE HE WAS SUCKING BACK AIR ON THIS ROCK:

30% - Watching "Monty Python"

30% - Watching "Mystery Science Theater 3000"

22% - Sleeping

17.3% - Ate Food And Food Related Things

.07% - Had Sex (With/Without Partner)


As you can clearly see, my time has not been wasted. However, I can’t help but get this nagging feeling that I should be doing more. I mean, have you SEEN Mother Teresa’s chart? You’d probably be shocked to find that SHE has spent next to no time watching Monty Python. I shudder to think about what the researchers discovered when they checked the “MST3K” section of her brain. Honestly, she probably didn’t even HAVE an “MST3K” portion of her brain. Which leads one to wonder, “Why was God punishing her?” I mean, she seemed like such a good person.

A basic viewing of the chart below will show you how little time SHE spent being dealing with the truly important aspects of life.

Yes, I’m talking about Monty Python…..

And, “MST3K”…..

And, yes, you probably aren’t going to want to stand too close to me after viewing said chart, as I will probably be struck down by lighting, or become inflicted with some sort of horrible plague, once you do. But, damn it, I was blogging. You would think that God would understand something as important as a blog, wouldn’t you?

WHAT MOTHER TERESA DID WHILE SHE WAS SUCKING BACK AIR ON THIS ROCK:

44% - Thought About The Poor

42% - Worked With The Actual Poor

11% - Raised Money For The Poor

3% - Watched "American Idol"



Now, I am fairly certain that she was only watching “Idol” after all the poor people were fed and cared for. But, I have no evidence of this.

Mother Teresa is ALREADY in Heaven, though. What about me? I’m the one who’s dying, here.

Now, I COULD spend more of my time helping mankind. There’s only one, tiny problem with that. I don’t much care for mankind, as a whole. In fact, there are several members of mankind that I would not necessarily care if they lost their gravitational pull to the earth, and floated out into the atmosphere. I’m assuming that they would disintegrate at some point, and I would consider this to be a good thing.

In fact, I have a list of people I would not mind seeing burst into flame, upon leaving the relative safety of planet earth. However, helping to make that happen would be wrong. At least, this is what my lawyer tells me whenever I bring it up.

So, helping my fellow mankind is out, since most of them suck.

What else could I do?

To answer this question, I went to my newly minted 9 year old daughter. I read somewhere, once, that “a child shall lead them,” or some crap like that. I think it was on a t-shirt. Maybe a bumper sticker. It was definitely someplace where you would read something philosophical.

So, I asked my daughter.

Me: Sweetie, daddy is dying. What should I do to help be a better person?

Spenser: You’re DYING!?!!

Me: Well, yeah, sort of…

Spenser (starting to cry): But, I don’t want you to die….

Me: Well, I’m not REALLY dying,….

Spenser (sniffling): You aren’t?

Me: Well, I mean, yes, I AM dying, but….

Spenser (crying): But, I don’t WANT you to die….

Me: Honey, it’s okay. We’re ALL dying…

Spenser (sniffling): I’m dying, too?

Me: Well, yes, of course you are.

Spenser (crying loudly): BUT I DON’T WANNA DIE!!!!!

Me: This really didn’t go the way I was hoping….

Spenser (still crying loudly): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Wife: Way to go, Genius.

Me: But, it’s true.

Spenser (continuing to cry loudly): WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

My Wife: Casey, get in the basement…..NOW!!!!

So, I had to come up with a way to be a better person, on my own, without the help of my now traumatized daughter. The answer, of course, came from Harrison Ford.

Yes, THAT Harrison Ford.

I happened to be watching TV, and I saw a commercial featuring old Harrison talking about the environment. I didn’t catch the entire message. But, as near as I could tell, the way the rainforests were being destroyed was the EXACT same way that it would be if Harrison Ford got his chest waxed.

I swear to GOD…….

So, Harrison Ford talked about the rainforest, a little bit, and he looked VERY serious. Then, in order to make his point, he had a young woman apply wax to his chest hair, and YANK IT OUT, really fast.

This did not make Harrison happy. He gave the young woman a VERY terse look.
What is the message?

Well, it is PERFECTLY obvious.

If Harrison Ford continues to lose chest hair, at his current rate, then the world is doomed. Diseases that have long been dormant will come back to life and kill us all. The world will lose its oxygen supply, and many of the planet’s most endangered species will cease to exist.

It’s frightening, if you really stop and think about it.

So, I know what I need to do. I’m going to make it my personal mission to protect, and preserve Harrison Ford’s chest hair. Honestly, I had never really understood how important it was. I don’t think most of us did. If we had, I don’t know how he EVER would have been able to get insurance for ANY of his movies.

Had you realized that, if that giant rock had rolled over him in “Raiders Of The Lost Ark,” that the entire planet could have died? I doubt it. You self-serving, materialistic FOOL!!!!

So, please, join me in my goal to protect Harrison Ford, and his chest hair, at all costs. If you don’t, I’m not going to be held responsible for what happens. Our time on this planet is short, and Harrison only has a limited amount of hair left.

The clock is ticking. Remember, when my daughter is 372, I’LL be 402 years old.

I know. Scary, isn’t it?

Casey