What Happened To Me?

I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking: “Hey! “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience” is coming out. I wonder if it is possible to purchase ADVANCE tickets to this historical concert event.”

Well, let me just go right ahead and answer that for you…..Yes. In fact, it is. AND, if you’re lucky enough, you may just get to sit next to ME!!!

I used to go to movies all the time. I love movies. I love going to them, I love watching them, I love getting mad at the annoying people who insist on talking on their cell phones, softly, because they assume that no one else will care. I consider it to be a total entertainment experience. I love watching movies so much that I actually watched the original “Halloween,” ON THE PHONE, with a person who was watching it some 30 miles away. It’s a fond memory.

Sadly, the reckless days of youth are out of my reach. The last “big boy” movie that I got to go see was the last “National Treasure” movie. That was, what? A year and a half ago?

Nope. My world has changed. There was a time that I saw almost every movie interest that got released. I mean EVERYTHING. I lived in Los Angeles, and virtually every movie that comes out, will show up somewhere out there. Did you ever hear of a movie, starring Phil Collins (Yes. THAT Phil Collins,) called “Freaks?”

It was released in ONE movie theater, for ONE week. Then, it vanished into thin air.

I saw it……IN the one movie theater it was released in. Better still, I saw it OPENING NIGHT!! My friend John and I were the only two people in the theater. It was a bad movie. Strike that. It was a REALLY bad movie. It’s about a guy (Phil Collins. Again, THAT Phil Collins,) who was teased as a child by some guys. Roughly 30 years later, he lures them into this big, freaky house that he lives in, and tries to harass them, and I think kill them. It was never made clear, by chasing them all around this big funhouse, which has rides, and laughing maniacally, while riding in a little car. He eventually gets them to go down a slide, that leads to a pool, that is filled with water AND little squeaky toys. Then, they get out of the house, and nothing else happens. The end. I know. A classic.

“Inside Monkey Zetterland?” Saw that, too. It’s about a former child star (the aforementioned Monkey Zetterland,) who travels around Hollywood, while nothing happens. He’s sad, though. Throughout the movie he runs into such icons as Ricki Lake, and Sophia Coppola (BEFORE she became talented.) Then, at the very end of the movie, NOTHING continues to happen, but Monkey gets happy. The end. Again, classic. That would be a good name for a band, though. “Monkey Gets Happy.” You can go ahead and use that.

“My Life Is In Turnaround?” Yup. Saw it. This one is about two guys in New York (so, you know they are cool,) who have no talent, but somehow manage to get a movie deal. One of them is the “funny” one. The other one is trying to figure out his life, and whether or not he wants love now, or later. Their movie, which is about nothing, as near as I could tell, but takes place IN New York (so, you know that IT is cool, too) gets put into “turnaround.” It’s an industry term which means, basically, that the money people are going to reevaluate whether or not they want to go forward. The “funny” one flips. But, the one who is in love uses this as an opportunity to put his own life in “turnaround,” and decides that he wants both love AND his movie. In the end, his is kissing a girl on the set of their movie, as both is life and the film are no longer in “turnaround.” The film, of course, being set on the very cool streets of NYC. On a side note, the two guys that stared in this movie BRIEFLY had a TV show, on FOX, called “Too Something.” This is of special note, to me, because I was briefly the network voice for this show.

You don’t remember the show, “Too Something?”

Probably because it was about as good as the movie “My Life Is In Turnaround.”

Finally, “Bound and Gagged: A Love Story.” I’m a little sketchy on this one. But, as near as I can remember, this guy catches his wife cheating. So, he shoots himself in the head. He survives, but doesn’t say much after that. He can. He just doesn’t. He hooks up with his best friend, a lesbian, and they abduct HER mistress, who is married to an abusive man, and head off on a road trip of sorts. The whole time, the guy keeps thinking about his wife cheating on him, while the lesbian tries to convince her girlfriend that they are in love, and she should leave her husband. With me? Wait, it gets better. THEN, the girlfriend’s abusive husband sets out after them, and the chase is on. As I recall, the husband eventually catches up with them, and gets abusive. So, the guy who no longer talks kills him. The lesbians decide that they are in love, and are not at all phased by the dead husband, AND the quiet guy is happy, and starts talking again. This film is notable for the fact that it starred adult film actress Ginger Lynn in her first mainstream role. And I was there. I saw it. I have that. You don’t. Nyah!!

My point here is that I have broad tastes in the types of movies that I will go see. Some of them are even good. I’ve seen “Citizen Kane” IN the movie theater, AND “Gone With The Wind.” It’s not all about “Monkey Zetterland!” (Which would also be a good name for a band.)

These days?

Yeah, I’m like every other parent on the face of the planet. I get unnaturally excited whenever a new Pixar movie comes out, because they tend to be the only ones that are worth a damn. Oh, sure, when a “big boy” movie commercial comes on, I will say something stupid like, “I’d like to see that.” Or, “We should go see that.” But, I know it’s never going to happen.

Not me.

That chapter of my life is over.

The “Hannah Montana” concert movie?

Seen it.

“Chicken Little?”

Yup.

“Underdog?”

That was me, in the theater.

“Madagascar.”

“Valiant.”

“The Chipmunk Movie.”

“Horton Hears A Who.”

“Wall-E.” (Which was excellent)

“Kung-Fu Panda”

“College Road Trip.”

“Hotel For Dogs.”

I……WAS…….THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Slumdog Millionare?”

Nope.

“Milk?”

I couldn’t. My daughter had a basketball game.

“The Wrestler?”

Nuh-uh. Though, I hear Marisa Tomei was naked in it, a lot. I think that’s a good thing. But, I didn’t get to go. There were girl scout cookies to deliver.

This is only sad, because I enjoy movies so very much. NOT because I don’t enjoy being a dad. I enjoy that a WHOLE lot more.

Would you like to know what the REALLY sad part is? The part that you WILL make fun of me for?

I’m going to see “Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience,” AND I’m looking forward to it.

Even sadder? The new Pixar movie is called “Up!” I know the EXACT DATE that it comes out.

If you see the old me, tell him I said hi. Then, if you would be so kind, punch him in the mouth. Just ‘cuz.

Casey