So, for Christmas we bought my daughter a hamster. For two years we had been promising to buy her a hamster, and never did. You see, like most parents, we were lying to her about buying her a hamster, for two years. Finally, she got wise to us. In a move that can only be described as “evil genius,” she informed us that she was going to go over our heads, and ask Santa.
Check and mate.
Game: Spenser.
Well played, little girl. Well played.
Our hands were now tied. So, on Christmas morning, she opened up a plastic, hamster dungeon, and some sort of “tube” thing, with a book about the care and feeding of the little rat. Then, the next day, we went down the store, and got the little guy.
You would think that this would be an easy decision. But, you would be wrong. You clearly haven’t met my daughter. While I am in no way, shape, or form suggesting that ALL women are like this, my daughter is the type of girl who CANNOT make a decision…..Not unlike her mother. If she reaches her goal of being President, we are ALL in trouble.
Defense Secretary: Madame President, the Canadians have launched a full-scale nuclear assault. What are your orders?
My Daughter: Hmmmmm……
Defense Secretary: Shall we try and shoot them down with the satellite lasers?
My Daughter: Uhhhhhh……hmmmm….Satellite lasers……uhhhhmmmmm…..
Defense Secretary: Or, should I activate the giant bio-dome, that will cover the entire country?
My Daughter: Oooooooo…..Yeah…..Hmmmm….The Bio-dome……Weeeeelllllll…..uhhhh…..
Defense Secretary: MADAME PRESIDENT!!!!! WE NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!
My Daughter: Okay, you know what? This is not an easy decision, and your yelling at me isn’t helping matters. Why don’t we just take a second and…..
BOOM!!!!!!
Then, we would all be dead. Or, under Canadian rule. I can’t decide which is worse.
Frankly, I don’t know why all of you voted for her, to begin with. Must have been all that talk about “change.”
But, along those lines, there are about 8 billion different types of hamster that you can buy, and the giant, non-descript, monolithic, pet box store has ALL of them. Put an 8 year old, who cannot decide which spoon to eat her yogurt with, in front of THAT display case, and I’m a little surprised we made it home before 2010.
There are Syrian hamsters, Dwarf Winter White Russian hamsters, Dwarf Campbell’s Russian hamsters, Chinese hamsters, Roborovski hamsters, North-American-East-Coast-New-Jersey- Demonically-Possessed-Blood-Thirsty-Human-Flesh-Eating-Death-Hamsters-Of-Doom, and many others to choose from.
After what felt like several days of deliberation, we decided to go with a cute, fuzzy, black and white, North-American-East-Coast-New-Jersey-Demonically-Possessed-Blood-Thirsty-Human-Flesh-Eating-Death-Hamster-Of-Doom.
His name is Oreo.
Cute.
Our first clue should have been that, while there were several of every other type of hamster, in all the other cases, Oreo was alone. He had a hamster case all to himself. There were no other “Death Hamsters” in his cage. Just Oreo. Looking back, it’s probably because he ate all the other hamsters. At the time, though, my daughter had convinced herself that it was just because he was so cute, and all the other “Death Hamsters” must have been equally as cute. Therefore, she deduced, she was LUCKY to be getting THE VERY LAST ONE!!!!
When the “Hamster Wrangler” went into the cage to get him, he stood up, and opened his mouth, showing us his horrible, hamster teeth.
“That means he’s mad,” she said. “When they stand up, they are not happy, and may bite.”
Oreo is ALWAYS standing up.
When she reached in, to pick him up, he bit her. Hard. You could tell it hurt.
“Do you still want this one?” I asked my daughter. “He bites.”
“Yes, daddy,” she said. “THAT’S Oreo.”
“Of course,” I replied. “What WAS I thinking?”
So, we picked up Oreo, and all the stuff he would need to exist in our home. Had I known then what I know now, I would’ve stopped by the church and picked up some holy water, too.
We got home, and got the cage set up. My wife reached into the little box that we brought him home in, picked him up. He bit her, on the finger, hard. She screamed, and put him back down in the box. When I looked at her finger, it didn’t just have a little bite, with a little bit of blood. It had a huge chunk, with blood literally flowing out of it.
I thought I saw Oreo smile, and lick his face.
Gross.
We didn’t know what to do. We didn’t want to hurt him, by just dumping him in the cage. Plus, no one else wanted to touch him. So, I went to the garage and got my big, thick, snow gloves, and put one of them on. Then, I reached into the box, and picked up Oreo. The whole time I was holding him, he was trying to bite me through my big, thick, snow glove, AND I COULD FEEL HIS DAGGER LIKE JAWS!!!
I put him down, and we quickly shut the cage.
After that, every time we went into the cage, he would stand up and open his mouth to show us his evil teeth. My wife thought that this meant that he was not happy. Her solution was to buy him another little tube to crawl around in.
I didn’t think this was a good idea. When you have an enemy boxed in, you don’t try to increase his territory, thus empowering him. But, as with most things in my house, I got overruled. So, Oreo/Satan got a new tube.
Unfortunately, when my wife attached said tube, she forgot to close it, and Oreo got out.
OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
OREO GOT OUT!!!!!!!
WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!
All I could think about was this freaky, death hamster wandering around my house, at night, and crawling up onto my bed to go after my jugular. I would die, and he would lap up my blood, laughing his maniacal hamster laugh.
Death by hamster was NOT the way I wanted to go. So, I ran up to the room, and prepared to have to hunt him down.
Now, when you go into the room you’d expect most hamster to scurry away, and try to elude me. Do you wanna know what THIS little rat was doing, when I burst into the room? He stood right up, opened his jaws, and started lunging at me.
And, I got scared!!!
Not my proudest moment. I had 170 pounds, and almost 6 feet on him, and HE intimidated ME!!
I composed myself. I walked over, with him not backing off one bit, picked him up in a towel, which he bit, and put him back in his cage.
We had 14 days to return Oreo, back to the depths of Hell. But, each time I offered, my daughter declined.
“Daddy,” she would say. “He’s Oreo.”
“Of course,” I would say back. “What WAS I thinking?”
So, we are stuck with him. Part of me was hoping that one of our two, worthless cats would accidently “get” him. But, I think they may have already had words.
Since we got Oreo, the cats don’t go anywhere near my daughter’s room. They may be smarter than I give them credit for.
I went in, the other night, and he literally started biting at the air when he saw me.
Just last night my wife went in, and he lunged at the plastic door, on the cage. HE WAS TRYING TO ATTACK HER!!!
I’m not a religious man, but I’ve found myself saying a little prayer before I go to bed. It mostly has to do with asking God to NOT let me wake up, with a hamster attached to my neck.
It’s gonna be this way for the next 18 months. At least, it’s supposed to be. That’s how long Oreo is supposed to live. Though, I would not be surprised if he outlived all of us.
Until then, my nightly routine has been altered. Now, I check the doors, check the garage, turn off all the lights, and make sure the damn hamster cage is locked.
I’m not taking any chances.
Casey
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10 comments:
Oreo needs to be
"Sleeping with the Fishes"
To Be Dead, to be found dead, to be killed, slayed, massacred, murdered brutally, or extermined, put to death by some force, as defined by The Urban Dictionary.
Great story Casey.
OMG! I was cracking up while reading your story! I can totally see you talking yourself out of being intimidated by this demonic beast (who's probably smaller than your hand) and being "man" enough to protect your family from him. I'm still chuckling to myself over the visual of Oreo on his hind legs ready to attack...
You may be waiting a while longer - I've had hamsters live 4+ years. My brother's hamster had an unfortunate "accident" with a falling encyclopedia... you may want to consider all your options.
I had a hamster once. I woke up one morning to an open, empty cage. My father told me that the hamster must have escaped. I was devastated but go over it - quickly.
21 years later, I have been informed (one night over a few too many beers at a family BBQ) that my hamster had not escaped, it was "set free" (ie: my father dumped it in the back yard somewhere).
Oh well.
Go. For. It. You won't have to tell until years later...
*Laugh*
-E
take it back and exchange it for one that looks the same. she'll never know.
I was peeing my pants reading this. I have been buying hamsters for years for my girls. Now I have 3. I can't even give you advice on Oreo. Each time a hamster dies in my home, I know within the next 2 days, I am going to be replacing it. Each time, I am the one that holds the hamster in the store to see how it will react to us. This last time, I wound up being conned into buying the 2 of them, sisters, Coco and Loco. I did not hold them in the store. They were screaming and making all sorts or wierd noises in the box. Got them home, put them in the cage, they continued to hiss and scream at me. I gave it a couple of days then placed my hand in the cage. Low and behold, they gently climbed into my hand and up my arm. They have never tried to bite me since. We have had them for over 3 mos. Oh, yes, I have had hamsters live 3+ years.
Good luck with the lunatic one that you have.
Lori B
Contrary to popular belief hamsters are NOT the ideal pet for little kids. Especially those purchased in big box pet stores. These animals need to be hand raised from infancy (like birds) in order to be socialized to human touch. Pet shop keepers do not spend quality time with their rodents although I can't imagine why. Once they mature(which only takes about 6 weeks (or 10 seconds-I can't remember which)it is almost hopeless to "domesticate" them. And, yes, he probably did eat little Lorna Doone or Keebler which is why he was all alone in the tank. They do that you know. I strongly suggest you not put another living creature in there with him. It will become lunch.
I would definitely sleep with the bedroom door shut, and one eye open. There was a reason why little Oreo was alone in his little cage. This rodent really needs to have some sort of accident. I would just get another one that looks like Oreo. Any other hamster will be better then the little demon spawn you have now!
You may want to invest in a wooden stool and a whip to tame this tiny beast. Our son's hamster (the lovely Miss Fifi) lived to the ripe ol' age of 5 in a house with two rambunctious boys. These little creatures can take a lickin and keep on tickin...
Bwahahaha! We had a hamster EXACTLY like Oreo - and we returned him within the 14 days...Then, got another hamster - Fluffy. We're still a bit intimidated by him...and the worst part is, he chewed a hole through his cage and has been on the loose for the last 2 days. YIKES! I'm going to have nightmares and will need to sleep in my car until we find the damn thing. Thanks a lot, Casey. Maria (mariatti@aol.com)
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