Saving Money Is Going To Bankrupt Me

Saving Money Is Going To Bankrupt Me

I like to pride myself on NOT buying into hype, and not getting too excited about things that the media want me to get excited about. This is mainly for two reasons. One, I work in the media and I know how we tend to over dramatize things. Two, it is in my nature to be contrary. It’s why I make a good(ish) talk show host.

So, it is with much embarrassment that I tell you that I went a little crazy, trying to save money, at the grocery store, last night.

Like everyone else, I watch the news and I am now thoroughly convinced that I am A) unemployed, and B) an inner city, welfare mother, addicted to crack, with 4 children from various fathers, whose application for food stamps just got denied because I used them to try and buy cigarettes and beer, while turning to prostitution as my only means of existence.

How did my life turn out like this?

I went to college!!! And I only got kicked out twice!!!

Damn Republicarats!!!!

So, until Barack Obama comes along and waves his magic-economic-twinkle-stick-of-change to fix everything, and we all get puppies and ice cream, it looks like I’m going to have to make some changes.

Like many other people, I have turned to comparison shopping, and coupons. So, like many other people, I waste all the money I would have saved at the store, on gas, as I drive from store to store trying to save .00000000276% on my grocery bill.

I assure you that “obsession” is a fitting word. I found myself wondering around the store, saying things like:

“.79 cents a POUND!?!! Screw that!! It’s only .78 cents a pound at the other store. DO THEY THINK I’M SOME KIND OF FOOL!?!!”

Or:

“$3.98? For THAT!?!! RAT BASTARDS!!!!!”

Of course, many people stared at me because I was both muttering, and yelling at myself, while wondering around a food store, wearing a “Kermit The Frog” hat. Apparently, this behavior has been deemed “odd” by some people. Go figure.

Another interesting thing about my current obsession with saving money, is that it’s actually causing me to spend MORE money.

Yup.

You see, I am broke, because the house that I paid $388,000 (which I did not have) for, is now worth approximately $2.74 (financed over 30 years at 5 ½% FIXED.) So, I have no money. Obviously, this is causing me to spend MORE money.

This is due to the fact that I am now using coupons.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Work is really slow, which is why I have all this extra time to read Casey’s pointless blog.” But, you’re also thinking, “How can this bonehead manage to spend MORE money if he’s using coupons? What an idiot. His mother must have been smoking ground up tire treads when she was pregnant with him.”

I get a lot of that.

Let me explain.

You see, the coupons are forcing me, against my will, to buy things that I don’t actually need, for the simple reason that I HAVE A COUPON FOR THAT!!!!!

So, as I wonder through the store, buying things I don’t need, or like.

I don’t NEED eggs, but I have a coupon. So, I actually lose money, because they sit in my refrigerator, and go bad because I didn’t need them in the first place.

I don’t even LIKE pimento loaf. But, I bought it, because I had a coupon. Now it, too, will sit around and go bad.

I didn’t NEED that 17 year old, Vietnamese girl. But, I HAD A COUPON!!! Now, she’s gonna sit in my cupboard, and go bad.

You get the gist.

Personally, I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, there are no economic problems. That this was all started by the giant, monolithic, supermarket conglomerates in order to convince us to spend MORE money, by using coupons. Sadly, we have all fallen for it.

So, I end up spending more money on things, because a tiny piece of paper tells me that I can save 30 cents on it. All the money I saved ended up costing me about $40.

For an unemployed, crack addicted, welfare mother this is not a good sign.

I think I need help.

Casey