All Rise For Pope Zombie King: Ruler Of The Undead

In my continuing quest for absolute power, which grows increasingly less likely each day as there is NO ONE on ebay selling a “Weather Controlling Machine,” I have decided that there are only two ways I’m going to be able to achieve this. One, I will have to be elected President of These United States of America. The other, I will have to be elected Pope.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: Casey, both of these sound very plausible, and highly likely. How are you EVER going to decide which one to pursue?
It’s been bothering me, too. Especially when you realize that either one is a virtual slam dunk for me.

Consider this:

When someone is running for President, they generally carry the state that they live in, and many of the states that they spent some time visiting. Using this rock solid, scientific data, I’m kind of a sure thing, for President. I’ve lived in California, Florida, New Jersey, Michigan, South Carolina, and Missouri. In the electoral college, that’s 133 votes RIGHT THERE. Now, when you consider that I have also spent a good deal of time in Arizona, Nevada, Texas, Georgia, Indiana, New Mexico, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Massachusetts, AND New York, that gives me roughly 309 votes. You only need 270 to win. Considering that, I’m frankly surprised that either party hasn’t contacted me, yet. Could I be TOO perfect? Yeah. That might be it.

As for becoming Pope, I went to catholic school for 10 years of my life. I have the scars, both physical and emotional, to prove it. Mind you, the fact that I am not catholic may factor in, here. But, like with most things these days, I’m sure it’s just a quick internet application, along with a small processing fee. Something I could get out of the way in a few minutes, really. So, as far as Pope goes, I’m solid.

So, in an effort to try and decide which of these positions I will accept when (not if) it is offered, I thought it would be a good idea to make a list. Usually, lists are things that people make so that they can spend several hours trying to come to the same conclusion they would have come to without making a list.

Hmmmm….

They say.

Should I take that high paying job, that has the huge potential for career advancement, and will allow me to pay for all my children to go to college, even though it’s in a large city, far away, and I will have to uproot everyone? Or, should I stay in the small, family-like company, in which I now work. Sure, things will be tight, and I may not get a new car every 3-5 years. But, my children will grow up surrounded by family, and there’s something to be said for not having to lock your doors at night. Plus, the air is so fresh and clean, here. I simply don’t know what to do. Perhaps I should make a list!!

Then, they will spend the next 12-16 hours making a list about the pros and cons of each job, and will make the very same decision they would have made if they had not made a list......OF COURSE you take the high paying job. Wanna know why? Simple. Money can, in fact, buy happiness. I don’t care what that t-shirt says.

But, this decision is more important. This isn’t about some fantasy job, that they weren’t going to offer you, anyway. This is about the future. Our future. You and me….And….The world, and stuff. So, a list it shall be.

FINANCIAL:

POPE: Literally has gold robes, gold crowns, gold jewelry, and is surrounded all day long by statues made of gold. I’ll bet he drinks that vodka, with the little gold flecks in it, like it’s water. (Note to self: Should I become Pope, we’ll be serving Yoo-Hoo with little gold flecks. Just ‘cuz.) I’m pretty sure most of his house is made of gold. Plus, every Sunday he gets a new infusion of cash from devoted followers, all over the world. That’s pretty nice, if you ask me.

PRESIDENT: The President of the United States makes an annual salary of $400,000. That’s it. $400k. If you can’t squeak by on $400 grand, a year, than ruling the free world is NOT the job for you. Sunday is just Sunday, if you are the President. There is no fresh infusion of cash. Plus, I’m pretty sure that his suits are not lined with gold. I also bet that the Vice-President would make fun of you if you wore robes. Not that it’s the best look, anyway. They are not flattering. That’s why only fat people wear them, usually. Nope. Gotta go with the suit and tie. Plus, it’s always gotta be dark. You would NEVER see a President wearing a red suit, with thin, royal blue stripes, and a white silk tie. Sharp? Without question. Presidential? Probably not.

EDGE: Pope. You literally have ALL GOD’S MONEY!!! How is that NOT good?



PERSONAL SECURITY:

POPE: The Pope’s personal security are the Swiss Guards. They dress in funny, almost comical uniforms, and are, as near as I can tell, Swiss. I don’t know about you, but I have been in a few violent situations in my life. Heck, I was in Los Angeles during the 1992 riots. There were military people everywhere, and we were warned to stay away from the windows of the building I was in. Do you know what I never heard ANYBODY say? I never heard anybody say: “We’re all doomed, unless we can get some Swiss guys down here, in funny outfits, to save the day!!!”

Now, I’m certain that several people were THINKING it. But, no one ever said it. And, I think that’s very telling. Don’t you?

PRESIDENT: The President, of course, has the Secret Service. Big guys, in dark suits, wearing sunglasses, and things in their ears. Then, if you’re lucky, you will see them talk into their watches, every so often. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!?!! Do YOU have a watch that you can talk into? Me either. But, if I could get my hands on one, you better believe that I would. I don’t know who I would talk to, on it. My wife will not engage in such behaviors, and my so called “friends” think I’m just a “dork” because I would wanna “talk” to them on my super cool “spy watch,” which probably “explains” why I don’t “have” a lot of “friends” to begin with. But, really, if you’re cool enough to have a spy watch, you probably shouldn’t have many friends. You never know who to trust, anyway. Besides, who wants to be bothered by phone calls, and birthday cards……….sigh.

EDGE: This one is simple. Would YOU rather tell people that you were in the Secret Service (and have a cool spy watch), or that you dressed up like a clown, and were in the Swiss Guard? Exactly. This one goes to the President.



AUTOMOTIVE:

POPE: The Pope’s car is made by Volkswagen. It is white, is made by Volkswagen, has security windows all around, is made by Volkswagen, looks like something that Miss Turnip 2009 might be riding in during a parade, is made by Volkswagen, has a CD player, and, oh yeah, IT’S MADE BY VOLKSWAGEN!!!!! You would think that, with all God’s money (literally), he’d be able to swing a nicer ride. I’m just sayin’…..

PRESIDENT: The President’s car is a Cadillac, with 5-inch thick windows, is a Cadillac, it’s painted all black, is a Cadillac, could withstand an attack by a rocket launcher, and IS A FREAKING CADILLAC!!!! This car is so cool that I couldn’t even find out that much about it. I even used the internet. EVERYTHING is on the internet, and it’s all true. Usually, if it’s not on the internet, I simply assume that it does not exist. I know this does, though. I’ve seen it on TV.

EDGE: No one, in the history of mankind, has EVER come down to deciding between a VW and a Cadillac, and actually gone with the VW. We’ll continue that trend, here. Honestly, would you rather drive a Beetle, or an Escalade? Exactly……Unless, of course, you could make the Beetle look like Herbie. That would be kind of cool. But, that aside, I’m going with the President on this one.



NAME:

POPE: The Pope gets to choose his own name. How cool is that!?!! Plus, no matter what he decides to call himself, everyone else has to go along with it. Basically, because HE'S the Pope, and HE said so. That's why. Thus far, though, most of the Popes have chosen pretty lame names. Not lame, in general. Just lame because, well, the sky was the limit!! If you could choose ANY name, would you choose Benedict? Of course not. I rest my case. If it were me, I'd come up with a cool name.

Cardinal: And, what name have you chosen for yourself, your holiness?

Me: I wish to be called "Pope Zombie King: Ruler Of The Undead."

Cardinal: Pope Zombie King?

Me: And, I want you guys to play some of that "Darth Vader-ish" music whenever I walk into the room.

Cardinal: Uhhhhhhhhh........

Me: And, I want you to replace all the communion wine with Yoo-Hoo.

Cardinal: I...don't...think...that would work, actually.....

Me: Be gone!! I wish to roll around in my gold, Pope-ly robes, now.

There must be someone who gives the current Popes a list of names to choose from. Because, if there wasn't, I'll bet the would come up with better stuff.

President: As President you "get" to keep your own name. I mean, that's all good and well. But, President Obama isn't exactly the coolest name I've ever heard. Given his choice, I'm certain he could do better.

Female Newscaster: Today, in Washington, President Vampire Assassin met with congressional leaders to discuss the economic failout package.....

Yes.....Yes He Can!!

EDGE: The Pope......For all the stated reasons, and so much more.



POWER:

POPE: The Pope is in charge of all the world’s Catholics. If they don’t listen to him, though, really nothing happens. Theoretically, I suppose, they will go to Hell. While, you are expected to listen to the Pope, and do what he says, there is no “Pope Squad” that is going to come swooping in, like a SWAT team, if you happen to be sitting there coveting your neighbor’s wife. He doesn’t even have a REAL army. He’s got those Swiss guys. But, seriously, if you have a chance, see if you can find a picture of one of them, online. While they may REPRESENT God, they aren’t putting the FEAR of God into anyone.

PRESIDENT: Two words: Nuclear Missile. The President has them. He has the codes. If he tells someone to “initiate the launch sequence,” they have to do it. Do you know why? Because he’s the President, and he said so. And, who likes Canada, anyway? It’s about time we wiped it out, if you ask me. Not that you were. But, if you had……

Plus, if you don’t do things that the President tells you to do, you won’t find a herd of girly Swiss men, in funny outfits, knocking on your door. You might get the cops, or the marines, or even worse, the IRS. So, if the President says it, you better do it.

EDGE: While he may not be speaking for God, clearly the President has the edge, here. Factor this is, as well. Chicks dig power. While both the Pope and the President have it, only one of them can have it manifest itself into the attention of beautiful women. That would be the President. Being the Pope is the romantic equivalent of a girl telling you that they just want to be friends. In short, the Pope has a nice personality, if you know what I mean.



So, after making my list, it is clear that President is the way to go, for me. The power, the clothes, the respect. It all screams: CASEY. Don’t you think? Me, too.

Now, all I have to do is decide what the best way to become President is. As a radio talk show host, I don’t think I’m any closer than 17th in the line of succession. So, barring some horrible disaster, I don’t see that happening. I could run for the job. But, Obama JUST got there, and he hasn’t had time to screw anything up, yet. Plus, I’d have to wait for four whole years.

What to do?

What to do?

Maybe I should make a list. That might help.

In the meantime, if you hear of any countries who are looking for a President, let me know. I’d even be willing to ride around in a VW, providing I could make it look like Herbie.

I’m not giving up the Yoo-Hoo, though. THAT is a deal breaker.

Casey