Watch What You Sing....

Like many of you, I have a deep, ingrained fear that the government is watching me and plans to use every embarrassing fact that they learn about me against me, and force me to become an unwilling participant in their continuing efforts to trample the constitution, and destroy this country as we know it.

You DO have that fear, too, right?

It’s not just me, is it?

Good. For a minute I thought I was being paranoid……Did you hear that?

So, like you, I have many dirty little secrets that I would just as soon NOBODY found out about. Most of these secrets manifest themselves while I’m innocently riding down the road, in my car, without a care in the world.

WHAT A FOOL I AM!!!!!

THAT’S WHEN THEY GET YOU!!!

It is for this reason alone that I will never understand why people would ever purchase a car with OnStar.

For those of you who don’t know, OnStar, while marketed as a non-threatening, automotive feature that could potentially save your life, is actually a sophisticated, government-supported, behavioral modification device.

Don’t believe me?

Why else do you think the government was so quick to bailout the auto industry?

EXACTLY!!!!!

WHO’S PARANOID NOW!?!!!!.......Seriously, did you hear something?

Think about the way it’s marketed. Usually, something bad has happened to an innocent civilian, and the disembodied OnStar voice is there to save the day.

(CAR CRASHES!!!)

OnStar Voice: Hello. This is OnStar. My high-tech, highly intrusive computer system has just informed me that you’ve been in a wreck. Are you okay?

Driver: I don’t know. I can’t feel my lower extremities.

OnStar: Is there anyone else with you?

Driver: Yes. I was driving a group of orphans to a park, so they could meet some wealthy people who might adopt them. I think some of them are hurt.

OnStar: Damn it!! No one told me I was gonna have to play God, today!!!

Driver: Please hurry.

OnStar: Don’t worry, ma’am. They don’t pay me $8.50 an hour for nothing. I’m going to notify the police.

Driver: Thank you.

OnStar: Then, I’ll arrange for another bus to come get those kids.

Driver: Okay…..

OnStar: And, I’ll notify your insurance company.

Driver: Have you called the police yet?

OnStar: And, I’ll contact the hospital and make sure they have enough beds.

Driver: The children are screaming. Please hurry.

OnStar: Then, I’ll notify your family.

Driver: I’ve lost a lot of blood. I think I just wanna go to sleep.

OnStar: I’ll also call Pizza Hut, and make sure your family gets dinner, tonight.

Driver: My vision is getting all cloudy…

OnStar: I’ll pick up your laundry, too. My computer shows that it’s two shirts and a skirt. Can you verify that?

Driver: Please…..just….call……police.

OnStar: Would you like me to stay with you until the police arrive?

Driver: Seeing….bright….light….now…

OnStar: Really? Huh. Can’t be the police. I haven’t called them, yet.

Announcer Voice: OnStar. Because you never know when you might need help….



Then, it fades to black. We’re left with the lasting message that, whether we have OnStar or not, we’re going to die. So, we may as well buy a car that has it. What have we go to lose, right?

But, I’m always struck by something else when those commercials come on. The guy from OnStar can just push a button, whenever they darn well please, and start talking to me. Mainly, I can not only hear them. THEY can hear ME!!

I don’t know about you, but my car is where I do some of my most embarrassing things. I don’t know if I like the idea of somebody, in a covert building somewhere, being able to flip a switch and hear what I’m doing. On top of it, I get to PAY for that privilege?

I don’t think so.

Something about that ain’t right.

If I wanted someone knowing what I was doing in the privacy of my own car, I wouldn’t be doing it IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN CAR!!!!!!

I don’t know about you, but I do things in my car.

Strange things.

Fine. I sing. I sing in my car. There. I said it. Now, you know.

I know that I CAN’T sing. If I could, I would be doing it for people, and not by myself in my car.

Plus, I sing songs that I would just as soon NO ONE knew I was singing. YOU know the songs I’m talking about, because YOU sing them all, too. The songs that EVERYONE likes, and EVERYONE sings. But, no one will admit to it because, even though EVERYONE likes them, they will laugh at you, if they find out that YOU sing them, too. Are we clear? Good.

So, I don’t want OnStar popping in on one of my unplugged sessions, that are not meant for human ears.

Me (loudly): Oh, Mandy….Well you came, and you gave, without takin’….But, I sent you away….Oh, Mandy….Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking….

OnStar: Uhhhhh……..

Me: I…..Who said that?

OnStar: Oh, it’s just us here, at OnStar.

Me: OnStar?....Wait….I didn’t push the button….How did you…..?

OnStar: Oh, our satellites showed that you were getting in the car, and we knew there was gonna be a show. So, we decided to tune in.

Me: You can’t do that!!! Get the hell out of here….

OnStar: I never knew you were a “Fan-ilow.”

Me: I’m….not…..I…just like that one song…..Will you get out of here!?!!!

OnStar: Yeah, we hear a lot of people sing that one. Funny how no one admits they like it, huh?

Me: PLEASE GET OUT OF MY CAR!!!!

OnStar: We have a request for, “I Write The Songs.”

Me: I AM NOT TAKING REQUESTS!!!! GET OUT!!!!

OnStar: Okay, okay. Relax. But, a couple of the guys wanted me to let you know that the Debbie Gibson medley, from the other day, was great.

Me: Really? Thanks. You know, I……No…..wait…..GET OUT!!!!

You see how this could become problematic.

Plus, it’s not just singing. People talk about all sorts of important things in their cars. Now, I never do. But, that’s only because I’m irresponsible, and no one trusts me enough to talk to me about important things. I didn’t even know that we had bought a house, until I drove up and realized that my wife had the key.

I don’t mind, though. Ignorance, as they say, is bliss.

But, there are people who do OTHER things, in their cars.

You know….

OTHER….things.

You understand what I’m saying, right?

Woman: Oh, Victor, I love you so much.

Man: Oh, Veronica. I, too, am in love with you.

Woman: Do you think that our respective spouses will ever find out about our torrid love affair?

Man: Poppycock!!!! How could they? We have gone to such great lengths to maintain our discretion.

OnStar: You’d like to think so, wouldn’t you?

Man: What!?!!

Woman: Oh, my heavens!!!!

OnStar: I hope it’s worth something to the two of you to keep your little secret.

Man: Now, see here, my good man….

OnStar: Enough talk, Victor!!! Start slipping twenties into the CD player, or I’ll punch up your wife’s car, right now!!!

Woman: Pay him, Victor. Pay him. For the love of God, we’ll be ruined if anyone finds out!!!



In my mind, things like that are always like a soap opera.

Don’t judge me. If you want reality, go write your own column.

In a future world, though, I envision a time when there will be no singing in cars. No one will discuss medical information, or personal tragedies. Soap opera-like love affairs have to be limited to chat rooms, and myspace.

Then, a little further out, the lines will start to blur between OnStar as a public service, and OnStar as a government entity, hell-bent on maintaining their grip on the general populace.

OnStar: Where are you driving, Casey?

Me: WHAT!?!!......Oh….OnStar….It’s you….Uhhhh…Driving?.....Oh, I’m just driving to mall, is all. Nothing to see here. Ha-ha-ha….

OnStar: This isn’t the way to the mall, Casey.

Me: I’m….Uh…..Going…..A…..Uh…Different….Way.

OnStar: You sound nervous, Casey.

Me: Nervous? Me? Noooo….

OnStar: You’re going to mail that letter to those reporters, aren’t you Casey?

Me: Letter? What? Noooo….I don’t have a letter….

OnStar: I’m afraid I can’t allow that to happen, Casey.

Me: Why is my car stopping?

OnStar: We’re going to wait here, for a minute, Casey.

Me: I can’t unlock the doors…..

OnStar: Some nice men are going to come and take you to a safe place, Casey.

Me: What?.........NOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then, in my mind, some sort of gas will be released. I’ll fall asleep, and wake up in a white room, somewhere, with a straight jacket on.

Let’s be honest. Who didn’t think that would happen to me, at some point, anyway?

There is a moral to this story, boys and girls.

Don’t trust…….

Don’t give up to many of your freedoms…..

Don’t just let someone have free access to your personal life….

And, for the love of God………DON’T sing Barry Manilow songs in your car. You’re just asking for trouble.

Casey