It's Us Against Them.....And They're Winning!!!!!

This past weekend there were, not one, but TWO 8 year old's birthday parties.

I know what you're thinking. Casey!! How could you possibly be so lucky!?!! I didn't even get to attend ONE 8 year old's birthday party!!

Well, let's just say I'm connected. Your average 38 year old doesn't get to go to ANY 8 year old's birthday parties.

The first party was my own daughter's. For that one, Brooke and I herded 10 eight year old's (with a stick), into a "Build-A-Bear Workshop" (store motto: Pay 3 times as much, and do ALL the work yourself!!), and engaged in 60 minutes of organized chaos. This allowed me to brush up on my 2nd grade conversation skills, which I found to be lacking.

Second Grader: Where did my mommy go?

Me: She left.

Second Grader: She........LEFT me?

Me: Yeah. For the party.

Second Grader: (starts to cry)

Me: Wait...Don't cry....There's a party!!

Second Grader: (still crying) I want my mommy!!

Me: But.....The party......

My Wife: Way to go, Ace.

It went on and on, like this until I came to the conclusion that it is NEVER a good idea for ANYBODY to spend ANY time talking to an 8 year old that you can't send to their room if they get on your nerves.

Next Second Grader: My daddy says that you're on the radio.

Me: Yes, I am.

Next Second Grader: My daddy says that's a silly job.

Me: Well, I don't really think it's SILLY. I mean........

Next Second Grader: He says that radio is dying, and that you should try to get on satellite.

Me: Well, tell your daddy that radio is NOT dying, and that not EVERYONE wants to be on satellite.

Next Second Grader: He says you should try and get a real job.

Me: REALLY!?!! A REAL job, huh? Well, what's YOUR daddy do?

Next Second Grader: He's a doctor.

Me: Oh......That's good, too.

And this is what my wife and I were left with. The parents? Oh, they left. In fact they couldn't get away fast enough. Many of them didn't stop walking, when they got to "The Build-A-Bear Workshop." They saw their brief opportunity for freedom, and attacked it like a fat guy at a buffet.

Parent: Is this Spenser's party?

Me: Yeah, thanks for comi..........

Parent: (throwing kid at me) Do you need me to stay?

Me: Well, no. But, if you would like............

Parent: (running) I'll be back in an hour.

I'm not 100% sure that ALL the kids at my daughter's party were A) invited, and B) she actually knew. I think some parents were just walking by, and saw the chance to leave their kids for a while. So, they jumped at it.

I don't mean to imply that these parents don't like, or possibly even love their children. I'm fairly certain that they do. But, as with most things, moderation is the key. We can all tolerate our OWN 8 year olds, as long as we can send them to the basement to play their video games, for a couple of hours. But, when there are FIVE TIMES as many 8 year olds, as adults, that's too much to ask of anyone.

My wife and I foolishly tried to tip the odds in our favor. We had Spenser pick the bear that EVERYONE would make. That way, we control the cost, and we wouldn't have to spend one calendar year waiting for 10 different girls, to make 10 different decisions, about 10 different bears. We thought we were being smart. But, that's what we get for thinking.

Spenser picked a Koala bear, that each girl would make, then they would get a certain amount of money to dress it however they wanted. It made perfect, logical sense to ME, a 38 year old man. The 8 year old girls, however, failed to completely grasp the concept.

Another Second Grader: I don't WANT the Koala bear.

Me: Well, that's the bear Spenser picked.

Another Second Grader: What if I don't want it?

Me: Then, you don't get to make a bear.

Another Second Grader: I don't get to make a bear?

Me: Nope.

Another Second Grader: (Starts Crying Loudly)

Me: Wait.......

Another Second Grader: (still crying)

My Wife: Honey, what's wrong?

Another Second Grader: He said I couldn't make a bear.

My Wife: You can make a bear, honey.

Me: That's not what I said!!

My Wife: Do you want to make your Koala bear, sweetie?

Another Second Grader: (sniffling) Uh-huh.

My Wife: (glaring at me) Okay, go over with the other girls.

Me: That's not what I said!!!!

My Wife: Way to go, Ace.

Me: Stop saying that.

Then, there was lots of screaming, and yelling, and jumping, and video taping. Because, God forbid, we don't get to watch the screaming, yelling, and jumping AGAIN, later on.......yippee.

Once the bears were stuffed, and brushed, and hugged, and hurled into the air over and over again, it was time to pick clothing. Now, we were very specific with the girls. They had "X" number of dollars to spend on clothes for their bears that will vanish under their beds the moment they get home. They could go UNDER that amount. But, they could not go OVER that amount. As you can imagine, this was a simple process which took only a matter of moments to complete................You believe that?............Stop being dumb.

Final Second Grader: I want this dress for my bear?

Me: You can't get that one, sweetie. It's too expensive.

Final Second Grader: I can't get a dress?

Me: I didn't say that....I DID NOT SAY THAT!!!!!

Final Second Grader: (starting to cry) Everyone else is getting a dress.

Me: NO......WAIT......YOU.......I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!!!

My Wife: What's wrong?

Final Second Grader: (Looking Sad)

Me: I SWEAR TO GOD, I did not say that!!!!

My Wife: Way to go.......

Me: STOP IT!!!!!

After a little more than an hour, 9 mothers came back with shopping bags, "Starbuck's" coffee cups, and looking generally relaxed. We went upstairs, to the food court, and had a party with a giant cookie.

Random Mother: Do you need me to stay?

Me: Yes. If you don't, I'm going to leave your child in the food court.

Later, children and mothers filed out, my daughter was very happy, and my wife was still glaring at me.

The next day, my daughter went to another girl's party. It was at a local movie theater, where they were going to see a movie, and then go get ice cream.

My wife and I drove up, saw the mother standing outside the theater, slowed the car down, pushed our daughter out, and sped away for two hours of freedom.

It was someone else's turn!!!!

Casey