Hi, I'm Your New Neighbor......Leatherface

My wife was in town, this past weekend, so that we can look at houses. If you remember previous blogs, you will recall that it is my wife who actually LOOKS at the houses. Since my opinion doesn't matter, I sit in the back of the car, and try to go to my "happy place."

This simple act, by the way, PROVES that my wife doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me. She's almost 8 months pregnant, and she's getting on a plane to look at houses.

Can't I look at houses?

No......Moron.....I CAN'T look at houses.......I do it wrong.

What's that?

You didn't KNOW there was a wrong way to look at houses?

Me either.

Welcome to my private Hell.

The last time I looked at houses was in South Carolina. I looked at lots, and lots, and lots of houses. But, since I could never do it right, it took a long time.

My Wife: Did you look at the house on Chestnut?

Me: I think so.

My Wife: You THINK so?

Me: Well....I....Uh.....

My Wife: It's a white house, with black shutters.

Me: I think I looked at a white one.....

My Wife: What color was the carpet?

Me: Carpet? I.....Uh.....I....I don't think I looked down.

My Wife: You DIDN'T look down?

Me: Well, no. I just....kind of....walked.....I....sort of looked.....you know....straight ahead....

My Wife: (sighs).....What about the counter tops?

Me: OH!! They had those!!! I did, in fact, see counter tops!!!

My Wife: What color were they?

Me: Color?

My Wife: Yes....What COLOR were the counter tops!?!!

Me: Color?....Uh.....What color?......Uhhhh....I think they were a......light....ish.......hue......

My Wife: A light-ISH hue?

Me: (pleased with myself) Yeah!! That's it!!

My Wife: I REALLY need to hang up the phone, right now.

Me: Okay. Love you. Bye.

My Wife: You are the biggest, knuckle-dragging, bonehead I have ever met.

Me: Uh....I'm still here.....You didn't hang up the phone.

My Wife: I KNOW!!!

So, my wife came to town, and threw me in a car, with a realtor, to look at houses. The fact that I have survived long enough to write this, should tell you that it went........just okay.

Because the price of houses, in New Jersey, is still outrageous we had to look in South Jersey. It's still FAIRLY affordable there, and you don't have all those pesky annoyances like grocery stores, and shopping malls. I didn't care for this. I didn't want to wake up and find "critters," or "varmints" in my living room. You see, I grew up in Orange County, California. The houses on either side of me were about 10 feet away. Plus, and this is just a small thing, but it didn't take me 45 minutes to get to the closest place to buy food!!! I like food, and I don't care to eat the stuff that some car has hit, and left laying on the side of the road.

When we got to the first house my wife, of course, loved it. "Look at all the trees!!!" she would say. Plus, she liked the fact that none of the neighbors were within shouting distance. "You know why they do that, don't you?" I asked her, "So that no one can hear you scream when they come over, kill you, and make a 'PERSON SUIT' out of your flesh!!"

The first house was so rural that it was actually IN a forest. I'm almost 99% certain that it was between the homes of Leatherface, and The Blair Witch. Since I didn't WANT to be murdered in my own home, I quickly passed on this house.

The next one was a little closer to civilization. I could see the other houses. It probably would have been better if I hadn't been able to. There were two houses across the street. At one, they seemed to be blasting some sort of death metal/country fusion that I had never heard before. As near as I could tell, the gentleman singing the song had been.....how do I put this......"done wrong" by his girl. In the country portion of the song, his heart was broken, and he was feeling down.....Then, when the death metal portion kicked in, he was going to take her, chop her to pieces, and feed her to his pit bull, BEFORE he took his own life, because he would feel so bad......It was a real tear jerker.........Look for it at Grammy time.

In the other house, which had a replica, Harley Davidson motorcycle mailbox, they appeared to be revving their ATV's, and dirt bikes. Not riding. Just revving. I don't have a motorcycle, or an ATV. I have a minivan. Us minivan drivers don't ever seem to feel the need to sit outside our homes and rev our minivans. It doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Yet, when some people purchase a motorcycle, or an ATV, they seem to feel the need to announce this to the world. They do this by sitting outside, sometimes for hours at a time, and rev, and rev, and rev, until it runs out of gas or the engine explodes. Whichever comes first. I don't know if this is some sort of battle cry, or mating call, or anything like that. But, anyone who has lived near someone with some kind of motor bike, has heard them sit there and rev it all day long. I'm sure there's a reason. Plus, I'm sure that the people who are trying to sell their house REALLY appreciate it. So, we moved on.

We were also able to see a really nice house, that was a little less rural......I thought. When we were going in through the door we heard a rooster. A freaking ROOSTER!!! Why do you need a rooster, in a residential neighborhood? What purpose do they serve? On the farm? Yes. Roosters. I get it. It's a farm, and you need both male and female chickens. I'm good with that. But, in a residential area? Are they Amish? Do they NOT believe in alarm clocks? Maybe they've never seen them. Imagine the shock. They've even got REALLY fancy ones, now, that will play music to wake you up. Either way, it is 2008. You don't need a freaking ROOSTER!!!!

The house was a gem, too. 4 bedrooms, nice backyard, two-car garage......There was one MINOR problem with that, though. You see, there were two garage doors, and the house was billed as having a two-car garage. It all seems okay, at this point, right? I thought so, too. But, when we went in, there was no garage. They had two garage doors, and said it had a garage, but there was no garage. You see, instead of finishing their basement, which they didn't, they decided to turn their garage into a big room, but leave the doors up. Because, you know, NOTHING says class like a nice family room, with two, big, garage doors in it. When I asked the owner why they didn't finish the basement, instead, he got an odd look on his face. "Yeah," he said, "I guess we could have done that." Priceless.

And, that's how it went. We did see some good houses, too. Or, at least, what I thought were good houses. Some even had INDOOR PLUMBING!!!!! But, since my wife values the opinion of rocks, more than she values mine, we aren't getting any of those. It is also, for that reason, that she is planning to fly out again, when she's even MORE pregnant. You see, giving birth in the exit row is far more appealing than letting your doofus husband pick the house.......He doesn't even look DOWN!!!!

Casey