When The Giant, Killer, Sand Monster Attacks

I think that, if there were REALLY superheroes, that they would be bored. There just wouldn’t be that much for them to do. Oh, sure, there’s always the random, major catastrophe where it would be nice if there was someone with super strength, or super speed, or super stretchy body parts. But, day in and day out, I think they would get bored.

Of course we would summon Spiderman IF there were a giant, killer, sand monster roaming the streets, tearing down buildings. In fact, I think he would be the FIRST guy we would call. But, honestly, the first thing we would do with our phones is take a picture, and forward it to all our friends, so that they would think that we were cool, because we were the FIRST one to see the giant, killer, sand monster.

But, right after that, we would call Spidey……Actually, we would call Peter Parker. We’d have to, because he’s the only one who knows how to get a hold of Spiderman. But, no one should assume that he IS Spiderman, just because he’s the same height, weight, age, has the exact same voice, knows all the same people, AND is the only one who knows how to reach him. That would just be silly.

So, if we did have superheroes (barring attacks from giant sand sculptures), I think they would have to find ways to fill their days.

AQUAMAN:

We’ve discussed Aquaman, before. He’s not much of a “superhero” to begin with. He breathes underwater, and talks to fish. This isn’t exactly the kind of thing that strikes fear into the hearts of your average villain. Or, the average 3rd grader, for that matter. But, he does possess a certain skill set, that could be utilized in the “normal” world.

Supervisor: Uh…Aquaman, could I speak to you for a moment.

Aquaman: Sure, chief. What’s up?

Supervisor: Well, you know we hired you, here, at the community pool, because we thought it would make it a little safer for our patrons.

Aquaman: Yeah.

Supervisor: And, you know, that whole “breathing underwater” thing. Well, we thought that would be a big plus, when it came to water safety.

Aquaman: Uh-huh.

Supervisor: But, well, we’ve been getting some complaints.

Aquaman: What!?!!

Supervisor: It..uh..It seems that some of our female guests have been complaining that you’ve been spending a little too much time underwater.

Aquaman: It’s not MY fault. It’s all those damn kids. They keep throwing coins into the water, and making me find them. That sort of thing can clog the drain, you know.

Supervisor: I see….

Aquaman: And maybe, JUST MAYBE, they like it when I stay underwater. Why else do wear their thong bikinis…..

Supervisor: Uhm….Okay…..

Aquaman: Just because I’m a fish-man, doesn’t mean I don’t have urges, you know!!!

Supervisor: Well, some of the men have been complaining, too.

Aquaman: Oh…..uhhhh…..I think I wanna talk to my union rep…..

FLASH:

Again, another marginal superhero, at best. But, for some reason, people love him. How come when he goes “super fast” everybody cheers him on. But, when I do it, I have to make a bunch of rambling excuses about “being under a lot of stress,” or “taking some allergy medication?” It doesn’t seem fair. In the real world, he would not be nearly as cool.

Guy: So, what do we do, now?

Flash: I think I deserve to be paid.

Guy: Well, that ad says that the pizza will be here in :30 seconds, or less. Correct me if I’m wrong, but :31 seconds IS NOT :30 seconds, is it?

Flash: But, it’s all the way across town, and there was cat stuck in a tree….I mean, it literally took me an extra second….

Guy: And this is my problem, how?

BATMAN:

You know, sometimes I sit around, and I think about what I would do if I won the lottery. There would be woman, trips to Disneyworld, and some sort of Yoo-Hoo waterfall right in my master bedroom (chicks would dig that, I think.) NEVER ONCE have I thought about buying a heavy, rubber suit, and roaming the streets of a dangerous city. But, I guess it takes all kinds, doesn’t it?

Bruce Wayne: What’s going on in the city, tonight, Alfred? Poisonous gas? Nuclear bombs? Acid in the water supply? Whatever it is, I’m ready!!!

Alfred: Uh…Not much of anything, really, Master Bruce.

Bruce Wayne: Really? Did you check the computer?

Alfred: Yes. I checked the computer, and I looked up in the sky for the signal, and watched the news, and there was nothing. Just like last night, and the night before that, and the night before that.

Bruce Wayne: Hmmmmm…..It could be a diabolical plot, by the Joker, to try and lull me into a sense of complacency.

Alfred: Yeah. Could be that. Or, it could be that you are wasting your life away, in moldy cave, wearing a rubber suit, and NOT using your money and looks to meet women. THAT’S a thought, too, you know.

Bruce Wayne: I….uh…..Can’t……meet a woman, tonight….I….uh…..took some allergy medication. So…….

Alfred: Uh-huh….And, another thing….Why do I have to call you MASTER Bruce, anyway. With all your “super smarts,” did you ever come across any stories about a guy named Lincoln? I’m done calling you master.

Wonder Woman:

I have to confess that I’m not even a hundred percent certain of what Wonder Woman’s powers are. I know she’s strong, has an invisible plane, a magic lasso, those bracelets, and looks HOT. But, beyond that, there’s not much, is there? It must be the “amazon” thing. I know that it works, for me. I guess I have a thing for amazons.

Club Manager: Why did you throw that guy through the window?

Wonder Woman: It looked like he was planning an evil deed!!

Club Manager: Look, we’ve been over this. It’s a “gentleman’s club.” EVERYBODY in here is planning an evil deed.

Wonder Woman: Alright.

Club Manager: So, just shaker your goodies, swing around the poll a few times, and if they pay you an extra hundred, tie ‘em up with the lasso, and make ‘em tell you the truth. But, stop breaking the furniture.

SUPERMAN:

I don’t wish to offend ANY comic book types, out there. But, if there was a guy who was all powerful, could fly, and almost nothing could stop him, what do YOU think would happen? Do you think he would “serve” mankind, and try and make sure all of OUR lives were wonderful?

Of course not.

Don’t be stupid.

He would kill half of us, just because he could. Then, he would enslave the rest of us, and we would go along with it because WE wouldn’t want to be killed. There would be statues of him, all over the place, and we would all spend our days trying to think of ways NOT to make him mad.

Do you think we could rise up against him?

FOOL!!!!!

HE’S GOT SUPER HEARING, TOO!!!!!

Even we even so much as whispered about an uprising he would swoop in, snap our pathetic little necks, and then fly back to his pad where all the hot “earth chicks” (Salma Hayek, Carrie Underwood, Kate Hudson, and any woman whose ever been on a Spanish soap opera), would be waiting to do his bidding.

Now, would I want to BE Superman?

Without question.

If I were, would I act like a giant boy scout, and do the bidding of a couple billion “lower beings?”

No. I would not do that.

I would kill half of you, enslave the other half, and get all the aforementioned women together, in one place, to do my bidding.

It’s nothing personal. But, what else am I gonna do? There’s not a giant, killer, sand monster out there, every day, you know.

Casey