More Effective Marshmallow Transportation Methods

Flying does something to you. Some feel that it invigorates you, and gives you a sense of adventure. That it makes you feel as though you are greater than the sum of ALL mankind, as you sore through the clouds, rising higher and higher above the people below, bogged down by their mundane lives!!

I think it just makes you stupid.

What other excuse could there possibly be for the Sky Mall catalogue that they have in the seat back pockets? More importantly, why else would people read it, and think that they actually NEED any of this stuff? You don't. And, let's be honest, you wouldn't even think that about anything in the Sky Mall catalogue, if you were reading it in the privacy of your own home.

Do you NEED a leather bound edition of the "New York Times" from the day you were born? In the air, where you are stupid, paying $99.95 for this seems like a good idea. You would have ALL the news from the very day you were born. But, when you get back on the ground, you realize that, well, there's the internet, and it's free. Besides, if you buy a newspaper from the DAY you were born, you are actually reading all the news that happened on the day BEFORE you were born. Newspapers are a day late. So, if you want to read about all the news from the DAY you were born, you have to pay $99.95 for the leather bound edition of the "New York Times" from the day AFTER you were born......Or, you could just send the money to me. I'll go online, and email you all the stuff.

And, if you're one of those guys who thinks to themselves, "Boy, I wish I had a 15 inch replica of R2-D2, who would follow me around AND respond to 40 DIFFERENT VOICE COMMANDS!!!" Well, now you can and it will only cost you $119.95!!! I mean, who needs to waste their time trying to touch a female breast, or kiss a girl that's NOT your mom? You could have your own FREAKING android!!!! You would be the envy of ALL the geeks at the comic book store.................

Or will you..................

Because, they MIGHT be wearing their GENUINE replica of "The One Ring," from TLOTR......That stands for "The Lord Of The Rings."..........I looked it up.........Yep, these "hep cats" will have plunked down $129 for their own personal icon of geek-dom. Honestly, in the world of "geek" this one might make more sense than the robot. Apparently, this "One Ring" can turn you invisible, and allow you to sneak into a girls room. But, since it was just a movie (don't cry), and doesn't really work, I have a hard time giving them any credit.

And, if you're like me, you've spent countless waking hours thinking to yourself, "I don't have NEARLY enough large, fake boulders in my yard!!!" Well, with Sky Mall, you can change all that and it will only cost you $399.99 PER BOULDER. With your new, plastic boulders, you can cover things like air conditioners, hoses, holes, and, according to the picture, OTHER BOULDERS!!! That's right!!! Improve of God's shoddy craftsmanship!!! Cover up those old, dated rocks, with shiny, new, PLASTIC rocks. Be the envy of your neighborhood!!

Having trouble getting your marshmallows ALL THE WAY on the other side of the room? Not an uncommon problem. Well, for just $24.95, why not pick up "The Marshmallow Shooter," and solve this problem........Okay.......I admit it........Even OFF the plane, this one seems cool. I mean, a gun that shoots marshmallows? Come on!!!! But, my wife said no.

Now, you're thinking to yourself, "But, Casey!! There couldn't possibly be anything MORE, could there?"

FOOL!!!

Of course there's more!!!

I haven't even told you about the FULL WALL crossword puzzle, for just $29.95!!! I mean, who DOESN'T have a full wall that they want to take up with a crossword puzzle? If that person is out there, I haven't met them.

And, with Spring upon us, and thoughts of love floating through the air like gentle feathers, every man needs to ask himself one simple question: "What woman wouldn't want a 'Basho The Sumo Wrestler Glass-Topped Table' in their living room?" It's the perfect anniversary gift, and it's right here in the Sky Mall catalogue. My 11th anniversary is on May 31st........Wait........Yeah.......That's right........May 31st. I can just see the tears of joy coming to my wife's eyes, as I present her with this statue of a grotesquely fat, Japanese man, on all fours, with a large piece of glass on his back. Plus, she'll be proud that I only paid $225 for it. Trust me, nothing says love like a fat guy, on all fours, with glass on his back.

Speaking of you ladies, how many times have your padded bras come out of the washer looking all tattered, and torn? It's one of America's silent problems. Now, with "The Bra Ball" (hee-hee), that will be just a distant memory. "The Bra Ball" (lol) has a PATENTED, two-shell design that will keep your padded bras safe. With "The Bra Ball" (lmao!) you'll be MORE confident putting your bra on, every day, knowing that you won't have those unsightly wrinkles, and bulges. "The Bra Ball" (ROFL!!!) will keep your bras clean, round, full, and perfect!! All for just $19.99...................Hang on...............I can't breathe......

What were we talking about?

Oh, yeah.....

Finally, and this is a biggie, do you hate spiders as much as I do? Well, for just $49.95 you can pick up "The Keep Your Distance Bug Vacuum." This is a two foot long, extendable tube, attached to a small, rechargeable vacuum. This way, you can keep as far away from the bug as possible, and then suck it, still living, into the tiny, little vacuum.........THAT YOU ARE HOLDING RIGHT IN YOUR HAND.................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....................BUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, you could solve that problem by rolling up your Sky Mall catalogue, and slamming it against the bug, thus killing it. But, you would have to throw away your Sky Mall catalogue, afterwards........Just wait and kill your bug AFTER you order your "Marshmallow Shooter." It's on page 27.

Just a thought.

Casey