I'm Looking For Sarah Conner.....

I haven't been able to blog much, this week, because I've been having computer issues. You see, I'm one of those people who computers hate and, as near as I can tell, want to destroy. I'm sure I can hear my lap top trying to pull itself away from the wall, at night, to come into my room and kill me. That's why I sleep with my door closed.

It didn't start out this way. I thought that I was going to be a master of computers. Everyone did. We had an Atari 2600, and NOBODY could handle that bad boy, like me!! When it came to Pitfall, River Raid, Frogger, Megamania, Zaxxon, and Missile Command, I was the king.

Then, something went terribly wrong.

Computers stopped being just video games. They started attaching typewriter thingys to them. Then, people started saying odd things like, "DOS," or "C prompt," or "cursor." When this happened I became frightened. Are these people speaking english? I would think.

So, I did what I normally do in pressure situations. I closed my eyes, assumed the fetal position, and wished for the "bad machines" to go away.........They didn't..........In fact, they got smarter. Smarter than me, and almost everyone else. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! You can't blame me. I was on the floor, with my eyes closed.

Fast forward to today.............

Now, and I am not kidding, computers will stop working if I touch them. If it happens once, you can ignore it. Twice, and it's still not a big deal. But, with me, it is a fairly common occurrence. In fact, it's not at all unusual for me to sit down in front of a perfectly good computer, put my hands on the keyboard, and have it freeze up. Then, nothing works. Zip. Nadda. Zilch. I go from having a perfectly good computer, that is my window to the cyber space world, to having lifeless piece of decoration suitable for any movie set. It may as well be made out of cardboard.

So, I do the only problem solving method that I know, on a computer. Control/Alt/Delete. That is, more or less, the extent of my computer knowledge. Sometimes, when I was single, I would throw that out to try and impress women!!

Woman: So, I was defragging my central DOS system, with a 325 megahertz, plutonium based, micro drive, when a status system 12, base error popped up, and I knew that I was going to have to go back and re-calibrate my external ethernet port, with a spare USB google-gig key that I bought from a hacker on ebay...HA HA HA!!!! Can you believe that? What a day!!

Me: Uh....Did you try control/alt/delete.

Woman: (staring at me)

Me: (trying to look smart)

Woman: Go away.

When the geeks shun you, it's okay. When the geek WOMEN shun you, you know it's a bad day.

So, I've been existing off of this 8 year old laptop since I got to New Jersey. My wife and I have a desktop. It's in Missouri. With her. Figures. So, I'm stuck with what I believe might actually be the VERY FIRST laptop!!! It's big, it's bulky, it's hard to get around if I have to travel with it. And now it's developed some kind of an attitude.

It's telling me that it has no memory left.

Then, it tells me that I need to delete some things in order to free up some memory.

THEN, it tells me that I don't have enough memory left to delete any of my memory.

Huh?

So, it human terms, my computer is basically telling me that it can't remember enough to forget.

Does that make ANY sense to ANYONE?

Why is this a problem?

Why can't I just click delete, and make the bad things go away? Won't this allow my computer to do what it's supposed to do? Won't this make my computer happy? Isn't a happy computer a good thing? WOULD IT RATHER BE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW, AND CRUSED BY THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC!?! HUH!?! I KNOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!

So, I went to the computer store and asked some guy with glasses, and lots of acne, how I could get my computer to let me do EXACTLY what it was telling me to do.

Me: My computer is telling me it doesn't have any memory left, but it won't let me delete anything in order to free up some memory. What do I do?

Computer Nerd: That's pretty bad. How old is your computer?

Me: It was the one Noah had on the ark. What do I need to do to free up some memory?

Computer Nerd: Have you thought about buying a new one?

Me: No. What do I need to do to free up some memory?

Computer Nerd: We've got a base, floor model that I can sell you for $500.

Me: No thank you. What do I need to do to free up some memory?

Computer Nerd: You aren't gonna find a better price anywhere else. I'll throw in a wireless mouse.

Me: No thank you...WHAT....DO....I....NEED...TO...DO....TO....FREE...UP...SOME..MEMORY!?!

COMPUTER NERD: You want to free up some memory?

Me: (pretending to shoot myself in the head)

Computer Nerd: Have you tried de-fragging it?

Me: De-whating?

Computer Nerd: De-fragging.

Me: Uh....I don't think I ever fragged it. Why would I need to DE-frag it?

Computer Nerd: HA-HA!!!! You don't know how to de-frag your computer?

Me: NO!!! I don't. Have you EVER touched a female breast, funny guy!?!!

Computer Nerd: (looking down) Uh.....well.....I was breast fed.

Me: (gently putting my hand on his shoulder) It's not the same, Sparky. Remember how excited you were when Windows 95 came out?

Computer Nerd: (sniffling) Uh-huh.....

Me: It is SO much better.

So, now I have what amounts to a glorified night light in my living room. Every so often it will let me do something. Then, I swear to GOD I can hear it laugh, and it tells me that I have no memory left, and the computer won't function properly......Then, it tells me that I need to clear some memory......Then, it tells me that I don't have enough memory to clear any memory.....Then, I close my eyes, assume the fetal position, and cry softly to myself.

I wonder whatever happened to my 2600............

Casey