I'm Afraid Of The Dead Roosters!!!

The older that I get, the older my parents get.......In case you hadn't figured that out.........Now, every time I speak with my mother, the conversation inevitably turns to death.

In the conversation that every child dreams about having with their parents, my mom and dad would like to know EXACTLY how I would like to profit from their demise.

My Mom: Is there anything of ours that you want?

Me: That I want? I don't think so.

My Mom: How about the Christmas clock?

Me: The one that plays Christmas carols every hour? No. I don't want that. It will make me hate you after you're dead.

My Mom: You have to have something to remember us by.

Me: How about the bodies?

My Mom: Stop being gross.

Me: I could have you guys stuffed, and put you at the kitchen table......

My Mom: I don't think you're funny.

Me: Maybe have you playing cards, or something.

My Mom: Why are you being mean?

Me: At the top of every hour I could have you guys sing Christmas carols....

My Mom: I'm hanging up!!

It's not that I don't enjoy talking about my parents dying. What child doesn't? My daughter talks about it with me all the time. Then, she looks at me funny and goes down to the basement where she keeps her "My First Chemistry Set." On a side note, if you ever come to my house, don't eat any of the food my daughter gives you. You're just ASKING for trouble.

My real issue, here, is that I can't see wanting to profit from my parent's death. Things being different, I might have a different view. You see, when it comes to material goods, my parents have NO taste. My mother's taste in furniture would be best described, I guess, as "Contemporary Farm." She's one of those people who was not raised on a farm, has never been to a farm, and doesn't have any interest in GOING to a farm. Yet, she wants her house to look as though it is ON a farm. This is particularly odd when you realize that they live ON a golf course, IN Palm Springs, California. So, you walk in from the golf course, in the desert, when it's 175 degrees outside, and stare at an authentic looking butter churn.

My Mom: I got it at "Pottery Barn!!!!"

Me: Ooooooo....Sharp!!

Then, there are the official, country store-looking rag dolls on the furniture. Which, by the way, is ALL either red and white checked, or light blue and white checked. Because, you know, that's what furniture looks like on farms........On TV...........Which is the only place my mother has ever SEEN a farm.

I haven't even gotten to the best part. The roosters. There are roosters EVERYWHERE........In her house.......In the desert.......These aren't REAL roosters, though there is one that I think may have been real, at one time. That one is pretty creepy. I put it on the floor, behind a chair, when I come visit. It makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, I'm supposed to want some of this stuff. Since I already have furniture, and my dogs would chew up the rag dolls, I think that might leave me with the creepy rooster. Terrific.

This has gotten me thinking, though. What do I have that my kids would want? I'm not really a material person, so I don't have much. It's not that I don't spend money. It's just that, when I do, I buy junk. "Look, honey!!!! It's a sponge that's made SPECIFICALLY FOR cleaning the George Foreman grill!!!! How could I pass that up!?!!"

I'm not foolish enough to think that ANYBODY is going to want my Mickey Mouse watch collection......Yes, it is a collection.......YES IT IS!!!.........Shut up............You see, I don't buy really expensive Mickey Mouse watches. So, they probably won't be worth anything.

I know what you're thinking.

You: But, Casey!!!! You're a RADIO STAR!!!!! Surely there will be tapes of your many, quality broadcasts, in a museum someplace, that ALL of our ancestors will be able to visit, and enjoy.

I appreciate that sentiment. Clearly you don't listen to the show.

I was trying to think of something more tangible. Something that would remind my kids of the kind of person I was. But, I can't come up with anything. I fear that I may just be taking up space. One day, decades from now, they'll do a documentary and flash my picture on the screen as an example of human waste.

A REAAAAALLLLLLY INCONVENIENT TRUTH (SORT OF)....AND WE MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!!

Good evening. I'm Albert Barack Obama James Carter Gore XXX. As you all know, it was my great-great grandfather, Albert Nelson Mandella Martin Luther King Junior Gore Jr., who predicted that we would one day no longer have a planet earth. We still believe this, today.

This is largely due to this carbon based, bio unit known only as "CASEY." Documents are sketchy, from his century. But, we believe that all this "CASEY" creature did was inhale VALUABLE oxygen, only to then exhale DEADLY GASES!!!! Apparently, he also collected watches which glorified some sort of rodent.

Now, if you will direct your attention to this picture of some polar bears........Aren't they CUUUUUUUTE?

And that will be all there is. I'll just be dead. Period. Nothing for the kids. Nothing for history. Just nothing. POOF!!!! What will my children have to remember me by?

I could always buy a fake rooster. Maybe one that plays Christmas carols. I hear those are nice.

Casey