If More People Hated Their Babies They'd Have More Money

I don't love my new baby.

There.

I said it.

It's out there, now.

He hasn't actually been born, yet. But, this is a small formality that will be remedied on or about June 16th.

Now, I will care for him, and hold him, and feed him, and cuddle him, and all the things that a good daddy is supposed to do. BUT, according to corporate America, I will not actually love my son. This is due to the fact that I am NOT willing to spend $54.00 on something called Dreft. For those of you who don't know Dreft is baby detergent. Not, I repeat NOT, to wash your baby in. Don't make the same mistake I did. You'll never hear the end of it. No, Dreft is for washing your babies clothes. For $54.00 I will be able to wash 96 loads of the boy's clothes. I'm not going to do that. Therefore, I do not love my son. Personally, I think that is unfair. I haven't even MET him, yet. I may very well not like him. But, since we haven't been introduced, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, for now. Odds are against him, though. I don't like most people.

This how the evil, large companies take advantage of first time parents. I know because, when I was a first time parent, I bought into it. Now that I'm a second time parent, I ain't buyin' it.

First time parents are made to feel that, unless they spend hundreds of dollars on useless items, for their new bundles of joy, that they don't love them. So, you end up buying things like Dreft. Don't get me wrong. It's a nice product, that cleans the clothes just fine. It even smells like corporate America thinks a new baby smells like. Truth be told, though, new babies smell like human innards. This is due, mainly, to the fact that they just came out of someone's innards. I believe it's called the "Miracle Of Birth." It doesn't smell like Dreft, though. Just use Tide. You won't love your baby, but you'll save a little money.

First time parents will also spend upwards of $25.00 on a warmer for your baby wipes. This is so that your precious little snowflake will never have to feel the discomfort of a room-temperature wipe on their delicate behinds. In this way, you will prove that you love the little dumpling. You will also create what appears to be a fire hazard. You see because, I too, loved my FIRST baby I went out and bought a warmer for the wipes. What I found is that the last few wipes, in every bunch I put in, got dried out and turned brown. Suddenly, it didn't seem to me that it would be a good idea to put a dried out, paper product into a heating device that was just steps away from my child. But, by all means, if you want to risk it, you go right ahead. I'm the one, after all, who doesn't love my new baby.

I'm only scratching the surface, here. YOU love your baby. So, instead of using the washcloth that you use every day, YOU are going to spend $13.00 for baby washcloths. Aren't you special. I bet you're headed for the "Parenting Hall Of Fame." Wanna know what the difference is? A bug. That's right. A bug. There is a picture of a bug, on your baby's washcloth. YOUR washcloth came in a pack of 10, for $5.00. Same texture, same size, probably the same company. But, no bug. You just spent $8.00 for a bug so that you could wash a kid who can't see the bug, and won't remember the bug in 6 months. But, I ask you, what price is too great for love?

I'll tell you what price is too great for love.....

How about $15.00 for a 25-pack of plastic bags to throw their used diapers away? They are scented, though. Probably like new baby. Which, as we've established, smells like human innards. Which is what baby diapers smell like. So, I ask you, why scent them? Oh, that's right, because YOU love your baby. Now, this is just a thought, and keep in mind that I don't love my baby. But, I just used all the plastic bags I got from the grocery store. Granted, they ARE NOT scented. But, they are free. And, really, how many of you are planning to SMELL the diaper bags AFTER you put the diapers in them? If you are, you need counseling.

Finally, I won't be buying this, but for those of you who will love your children, how about dropping $119.95 for a Retractable Driveway Guard? It's that orange, mesh stuff that people use to keep the leaves in their yard, and it's attached to two white sticks. You put it across the entrance of your driveway in order to keep your kids safe. Now, it WILL NOT stop a car, and WILL NOT stop your children from walking around it. You could also pick up the orange mesh, and a couple of stakes at Home Depot, and build it yourself for about $6.00. I have no idea why it costs $119.95. Maybe it smells like a new baby.

Also, while I was looking at baby clothes, today, I saw a shirt for $24.99......A baby shirt......For $24.99. I can justify paying $24.99 for a shirt for me. I'm as big as I'm going to get. Plus, since I NEVER throw clothes away, I will have the shirt for several years. Probably until it crawls away under its own power. But, for a baby? I don't think so. The kid will grow out of it in 3 months.

Don't feel bad. I did all these stupid things, too, with the first one. They guilt you into thinking that you don't love your kids, if you don't spend $30.00 on shoes, that they have no use for. Babies, as a rule, can't walk. Why buy them shoes?

I'm on my second kid.

Here's what you NEED. Not want, NEED:

Disposable diapers
Wipes (They come in a plastic case...Don't need to heat 'em)
A couple of pacifiers
A couple of bottles
A couple of blankets
Something for the newborn to sleep in (relatives used a plastic tub with a couple of blankets in it)
Food
Some clothes (Go to Target. The stuff is good, and cheap)

There. You're done. Don't stress. People gave birth when they lived in caves, and had no place to plug in the warmer for their wipes. Somehow we, as a species, survived. Your kid will, too.

Now, if more people hated their babies, like me, we would all be doing a lot better financially. I'm pretty sure the kids would survive, too.

P.S. Mr. Answer Guy is coming back, this week. Get your questions in at mranswerguy@gmail.com

Casey