The Sod Man Cometh

Over the weekend I created a lot of unneccessary work for myself, simply because I am a pig-headed, overly-contrary, pain in the ass.

Are we clear?

Good.

You see, the weather was nice for the first time in, what felt like, a hundred years. So, my wife was making me....Yes, MAKING ME.....do yard work. This involved buying several thousand bags of something called "mulch," and then dumping it into my various planters and flower beds. I don't know what "mulch" is. When it's in a bag, it looks like a bag filled with a chopped up tree. Unless, of course, you buy colored "mulch," which we did. In this case, when it's in a bag, it looks like a bag filled with a tree that you chopped up, and then poured color all over it. Just like God intended it.

Anyway, we bought ALL the black colored "mulch" in the greater South Jersey area. Then we (and by "we" I mean "I") put it onto a flatbed cart, at our local Home Depot. This was neccessary for two reasons. First, because there were several thousand bags, and I would not have been able to carry all of them. Second, because I needed to be able to knock over as many displays of hornet spray as possible, and I would not have been able to do that if I had not had a convenient, flatbed cart, that lacked the ability to turn.

Still with me?

Good.

Now, our OTHER major problem, aside from our current "mulch" not being black, was that there were several bare spots, in our backyard grass. This is due mainly to the fact that I have retired racing greyhounds, as pets, and when we got them we neglected to tell them that they were, in fact, retired. So, they race around my pool, and tear up the grass. Greyhounds, you see, are evil dogs, from the depths of Hell, who refuse to allow me to have a green lawn. One more small victory for Satan.

While we were at Home Depot stumbled upon a small stack of "sod." I didn't REALLY know what "sod" was, either. I suppose that it can best be described as "grass carpet." Anyway, I didn't really know what it was, and didn't really know what to do with it. But, it SEEMED a lot easier than buying a bunch of grass seed, letting the birds eat it, and NOT having grass where I wanted it.

Me: Let's buy some sod.

My Wife: No.

Me: I think it would be easier than buying seed.

My Wife: No.

Me: It's cheap.

My Wife: NO!!

Me: But, I wanna try it.

My Wife: Do you know how to put it down?

Me: No. But, how hard could it be?

My Wife: I wish I had married a man.

Me: I think I could do it.

My Wife: I doubt it. Let's go over here. There are a couple of displays you haven't knocked over yet. Then, maybe we can get ice cream.

Me: Ice cre......Wait......No. I wanna get sod.

My Wife: No.

Me: I'm going to hold my breath.....

As this was going on, an older woman walked up who looked as though she was permanently sucking on a very sour lemon. She started glaring at me. She didn't say anything, at first. She just glared.

Woman: My husband is coming.

Me: Oh....uh....Good. I was wondering.

Woman: We are thinking of buying this sod.

Me: Oh, yeah? So are WE!!

My Wife: No we aren't.

Me: Stop it.

Woman: Well, I'm afraid you can't buy it.

Me: Can't?

My Wife: Oh, no.....

Woman: Yes. You cannot. We are thinking about buying it, so you can't.

Me: Can't?

My Wife: Please don't......

Woman: Once my husband gets here, he will explain it to you.

Me: So, your husband will come here, and tell me that I "CAN'T" buy this very sod, which the people at Home Depot have marked as being for sale?

Woman: Yes. He will be very upset, if you buy any of it, so I'm afraid that I can't let you.

Me: Can't "LET" me!?

Woman: No.

My Wife: Here we go........

Me: So, your husband is the Prime Minister of Sod, here in South Jersey, huh? And he has, by royal order, decided that I, me, Casey Bartholomew, "CAN'T" buy this particular sod, huh?

My Wife: Please....Just....Stop.

Woman: I don't care for your tone, sir. He will be here, at any moment, and he will be VERY upset if you purchase this sod.

Me (starting to pick up pieces of sod): Well, ma'am, you just tell your husband that, if we wishes to discuss it with me, I'll be right over there at the cash register, paying for MY SOD!!!!

My Wife: I'm taking the kids to the car. Congratulations on winning your little war.

Me: Thank you.

Then, since I could not see around my huge, flatbed cart, I knocked over a display of grass seed.

Ironic.

After paying, I got glared at by the woman who was walking by with some guy I assumed to be her husband.

That's right! I thought. Keep walking, pal!!
Actually, I should have asked him to help me get it out to my car. It was heavy. Also, I probably could have asked him what to do with the stuff, once I got it home.

First, it was gross. It had worms in it. Which means that I was putting worms IN MY CAR!!!!

It was, to use a technical term, "Icky."

But, I put it in my car, with my colored pieces of "mulch" wood, and drove it home. Then, I had to unload 15 rolls of it, and carry the worm-filled stuff into the back yard. I could have used more. But, you see, I only wanted to buy SOME of the sod. That way there would still be some left, but not nearly enough for the evil, sour-faced woman, and her husband to buy.

It was a hollow victory. But, at this point, I'll take what I can get.

So, I took the stuff into the backyard, and looked at it. I didn't know what to do with it. I could have gone in, and looked online. But, I had worm dirt all over me, and my wife wouldn't let me in.

I picked up a piece, walked over to a bald spot int he grass, and rolled it out.

Done.

Then, I picked up another one, and rolled it out.

I was developing a rythmn, now.

I did this with all 15 pieces. Rolled them out, over empty patches, and then stared at it.

There HAD to be more.

Did I need to nail it down, maybe?

It can't just lay there, can it?

I could see the worms.......Gross.

So, I turned the hose on, and watched it. It didn't do anything, but I watched it anyway. I really need to get a life, of some kind.

My wife finally let me back in, and I was able to determine that I needed to water it, often, for two weeks. By then, I should know. I also read something that said that, in my current situation, it would have been better to "over seed."

NOW they tell me.

Of course, even that didn't allow for the evil, sour-faced, demon woman who PRACTICALLY DARED ME TO BUY ALL THAT SOD.

So, really, it will all be her fault, if it doesn't work.

At least, that's what I told my wife.....Who has since informed me that I am no longer allowed to go to Home Depot.

Casey