Let's Do The Hannah, Again....

“Hannah Montana” is the new “Rocky Horror.”

I know of which I speak.

So, that means that every guy who went to midnight showings of “Rocky Horror,” dressed in black lingerie and a curly black wig, is going to have to alter their lifestyle, a bit. Now, you’re going to have to pick up a blonde wig, blue jeans, and a glittery jacket. On the plus side, as if NOT having to look at large men in women’s underwear is not enough of a plus, you will get more sleep. I’m just assuming that midnight showings of “Rocky Horror,” will be replaced by noontime showings of “Hannah Montana.”

So, you know…..Good luck with that.

I know this, because I was one of the “lucky” parents who got to go see the new “Hannah Montana” movie. I got to spend $17, on two tickets, and $32 on 2 hotdogs, a medium popcorn, a box of Junior Mints, a small tray of soft “pretzel bites,” a bottle of water, and a medium diet coke. $49 on a trip to the movies, with my little girl. On the plus side, though, I did get a free pack of “Hannah Montana” trading cards. So, you know, there’s THAT. But, they did try and cheat me out of those.

Ticket Seller: I’m supposed to give a pack of these with every ticket. But, you don’t want one, do you?

Me: I just spent $17, on two tickets, to a “G” rated movie……GIVE….ME….MY….HANNAH…MONTANA…TRADING…CARDS…RIGHT…FREAKING…NOW!!!

Ticket Seller: Whatever, dude.

Me (smiling): Thank you.

As we walked into the theater, there were several young lads, in gang attire, using the colorful kind of “street” language that I would just as soon my 9 year old daughter NOT hear. THEY were all going to see “Fast & Furious,” I suppose. When I shot them dirty looks, so that they wouldn’t use bad language in front of my little girl, they kinda laughed at me. I guess my “Kermit The Frog” hat just doesn’t inspire fear in the hearts of 15 year olds, wearing White Sox hats, turned to the side. Though, I still think I look cooler. I don’t wear MY hat sideways. I don’t care if it has a frog on it, or not.

Anyway, we got into the theater. I have to say something, here, about going to see a kids movie. This may shock AND surprise you. But, when you go to see a kids movie, there are better-than-average odds that you are going to see a large number of kids there. You expect this. Also, when there are a lot of kids in one place, don’t be surprised if they can’t all be totally silent. That’s okay. They’re kids. It’s our job, as parents, to teach them to shut their pie holes, at a movie. So, I was more than a little surprised when the bimbo in front of me had her cell phone go off. Then, I was even more shocked when she answered it, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A PIVOTAL PLOT POINT!!! (Miley was late for Lilly's sweet 16, and had to show up as Hannah, because she didn't have time to change, and ended up taking all the attention away from Lilly......So, you can see why I was so upset about this.)

So, in order to teach this woman a lesson, I was forced.....FORCED I TELL YOU....to kick the back of her chair.....hard.......twice.......Which was when she spun around in her chair, and glared at me.

"I am SOOOOOO sorry," I said. " I was just so excited about the movie, and couldn't stop my leg."

It got loud in the theater, but I'm pretty sure she called me an a*@hole. It's okay, though, because she got off her phone, which is what I wanted in the first place. So, I win. Yay, me. Now, I could watch "Hannah Montana" in peace......

Wait.....Did I really "win" that one?

Hmmm.....Lemme get back to you on that.

Anyway, at one point during the movie, Miley and her family go to a country dance. Miley was encouraged to get up and sing. She does so, reluctantly, saying that she's going to "add a little hip-hop." This makes perfect sense, for two reasons: 1) Because EVERYONE knows that Hannah Montana is the textbook definition of "ghetto," and 2) Because when you get a bunch of farmers around, at a country music show, they want NOTHING MORE than to hear a little hip-hop.

Word to your mother.

So, Miley gets up and starts sining the "hip-hop" song, which the local country band seems to know, and starts to do some sort of pop/hip-hop/Disney-inspired/country line dancing song.

Okay, I thought. It's a G-rated, Disney movie. I wasn't expecting "Citizen Kane," or anything.
Then, we had our "Rocky Horror" moment.

As soon as Miley started singing her country/rap fusion, something like 20-30 girls ran up to the front of the theater, and started doing the dance that she was "rapping" about.

HOLY CRAP!!! ARE THEY TRYING TO DISNEY-FY EVERYTHING!?!!

Now, I'm not a "Rocky Horror" fan. I mean, I'm fine with it. I've been to it. I found it odd. But, I never really got into it. In fact, when I went to see it I was 16 and had never heard of it. A bunch of my friends said that they wanted to, "Go see a midnight showing of 'Rocky,'" and wanted to know if I wanted to come.

"Sure," I said. "I still think that's the best of the 'Rocky'" movies."

See, I was a tad bit stupid, when I was 16.

So, you can imagine my shock when we showed up, and there were men dressed in women's underwear. Having never worn women's underwear, I found this odd. I also thought it was odd when I got searched before going in.

Theater Guy: Open your coat.

Me: Why?

Theater Guy: I need to search you.

Me: For what?

Theater Guy: Toast.

Me: Toast?

Theater Guy: Yeah, toast.

Me: Of course.

Later on, when I got hit in the back of the head with a piece of toast that someone had managed to sneak through the TSA-style security, I understood the need for the shakedown. Of course, one of the big moments in "Rocky Horror" (not, I repeat NOT, "Rocky") is when everyone jumps up to do "The Time Warp." I thought that was funny, and I appreciated it. I just wasn't expecting that type of thing at a Friday evening performance of "Hannah Montana."

Clearly, the Disney corporation is attempting to capture that type of lighting in a bottle, with the "Hannah" franchise. It all makes perfect sense, when you consider the group dancing scene.

Do you need MORE evidence that Disney is trying to turn "Hannah Montana" into the new "Rocky Horror?"

I thought you might.

I cite one Mr. Barry Bostwick.

Not only is he one of the main characters in "Rocky Horror." BUT, he is also the bad guy in "Hannah Montana."

SHOCKING!!!!

AND, he was sex with a male, transvestite in BOTH movies!!!!

Okay, I made that last part up.........Or, did I? They don't actually get into his sex life, in "Hannah." He may, VERY WELL, be having sex with male transvestites, and we just didn't see it.

So, there!!!

Now, go turn in your black lingerie, you men out there, and turn them in for your OFFICIAL "Hannah" wig..........But, keep the toast. If it ain't broke, don't fix it, I always say.

Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to go put my "Hannah Montana" trading cards up on ebay. I'm hoping to make enough money to buy that 90 minutes of my life back.

Casey