As we have established many times on this blog, "handy" is not a word that would be used to describe me.
You want proof?
One of my current "projects" is to open a dresser drawer. That's it. The dresser drawer is closed, and I need to figure out how to get it opened.
Simple, right?
FOOL!!!!!
I can't figure out how to do it.
I pulled it. Then, I pulled it some more. THEN, I pulled it REALLY hard.
Nothing.
I pulled all the other drawers out. I crawled inside, with a flashlight, to see if something were jammed in it. I saw nothing. I even tried to do that Fonzie thing, where I just pound on the top of the dresser with my fist, and all the drawers would slide open. All I accoplished was hurting my hand.
So, you'd probably think that EVEN I could handle something as simple as opening a dresser drawer. Well, you'd be wrong. I can't.
The best part about it is that when my wife finally gave up on me, which happens sooner and sooner with each event, she had to call people and TELL them that I couldn't get the drawer open. Now, as I write this, I'm waiting for large men to come to my house and deliver the replacement dresser. I will have to tell them, too, that I could not get the drawer open. They will look at me. They will smile. Then, using their thumb and forefinger, will deilcatley pull on the handle, and the drawer will slide open. Then, they will laugh at me.
Trust me. I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends.
It probably doesn't help my cause, any, that I shaved my beard off, this past week. At least I looked hard and rugged. Now, I look more like the frightened mug shot of the guy who got arrested for stealing women's panties out of the laundry room.
Not much I can do about that. I'm just playin' the hand God dealt me.
So, in order to try and regain the "Man Of The House" tag, that I am rapidly losing to my 7-month old son, I MIGHT attempt to put up my Christmas lights, this weekend.
This was easier in the old days. The days when I lived in ranch style houses, and the ground was nearly as far away. I didn't even have to get all the way up on the ladder. I'd just go half-way up, attach the lights, and I was done.
There was the one time that I tried to get cute, and I actually fell off the roof. More like "slid" off the roof, really. I was on the roof, of my not-to-high ranch house, doing my best impression of Clark Griswald, trying to make my hosue visible from Mars, when all of a sudden I started sliding. Slowly, at first. Then, progressively faster. I was flaying my arms about, trying to grab something, ANYTHING, to keep my self from going over the side. But, as I discovered, there is not much on your average roof to grab.
I tried rolling.....All I did was start sliding at an angle.
I tried laying flat....Kept sliding.
I tried sitting up....Still sliding.
I tried kicking my feet (it was every bit as comical as it sounds).....More sliding.
Finally, when I got to the edge, I put my feet down and jumped. You see, there was a planter filled with cactus (honest!) down below, and I didn't want to land in the cactus. My life is a lot of things. I DID NOT want it to become a Road Runner cartoon.
So, I jumped off the roof, and landed in the middle of my yard, messing up my leg and tearing the jacket I had on.
TA-DAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
True story. Not one of my proudest moments.
My current house has two stories. So, I will be forced to crawl up on the roof, and walk around, while I attach tiny, sparkling slights. It's also supposed to be especially cold. Which means, I won't even be able to wear gloves, because I'll be dealing with tiny lights.
It's a pretty safe bet that, if I even decide to do it, it will not end well for me. There will be no sliding, and jacket tearing. There will be falling, and skull cracking.
Even if I manage to get them up, without killing myself, I'll just have to go back up in 3 weeks, and tempt fate, again.
.......There was a brief pause, here. The guys just came with the new dresser. When they asked me what was wrong with the old one, I told them I couldn't get the drawer open.
They laughed.
Somewhere God is smiling.
Casey
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5 comments:
You sir, are hysterical! lol
did they at least TRY to open it? please say yes lol
I am surprised your wife couldnt get it open. As for the lights there is actually a company that comes out and puts them up and takes them down. HINT they also supply the lights. This should stop any idea of a sequel to the last time you tried to put up lights.LOL If you do it yourself just try not to kill yourself I really enjoy the show.
the man that did the biggest christmas decoration on his home was tim "the toolman" taylor from home improvement. the biggest he ever did it was when he hooked a light like the the light they use to call batman from police headquarters onto his house and it gave enough light to land a 747 at the detroit airport during a blackout at the airport.
Hey, Casey! I wanted you to know that the story about your lame attempt to "accessorize" the exterior of your home for the holiday season was right ON.
I have always been more of an interior fan of festive decorating myself. I have no choice in the matter - it's my mom's fault (she went all out on Christmas).
If "handy" is a word that you would NOT use to describe yourself, then you and I certainly have something in common.
I have a funny story about one year when I tried to "light up" the awning and bannister of my small front porch. I was living with my mother-in-law and my three boys...she and I were close and my husband and I just seperated so she agreed to let me stay with her until I found my own place.
Since this was the last Christmas we would most likely be spending together as a "family" in her home, she decided to throw a moderately sized party.
Everything was going well - the invitations were printed, each guest was assigned to bring their favorite dish, the tree was purchased and decorated (it was beautiful, I must say) and we were ready to go.
Leave it to me and my "big ideas" to shake, or should I say "shock" things up! I was out one afternoon before the party and noticed that those hanging icicle lights were on sale. I bought a few boxes and draped them along the stockade fence in the side yard. They looked wonderful!!
I have been known to some as an extremist so of course I had to purchase several boses. There was a metal chain link fence going all around the side yard, so I draped the icicle lights along this fence as well. Unfortunately for me, I didn't stop there.
In the front of her house, the porch was a small concrete slab and above it was a metal awning. The handrail was made of iron and painted black. I strung the icicle lights across the awning then ran out of them. I rushed back to the store and they were sold out. I decided to purchase your standard, run-of-the-mill string o' clear lights (for indoor use ONLY). I wrapped them around every inch of the iron bannister encompasing the front porch.
The night of the party it was raining very hard. Despite this small set back, I switched on the lights and the permieter of the house lit up and it looked like a fancy mansion from Architectural Digest - I stuck my chest out and marvelled at the site. "I really had good taste," I thought! It looked great.
Our guests were scheduled to arrive any minute - I heard the front door jiggling and the jingle bells I placed on the door handle alerted me of a human presence. It was my soon to be ex-husband and he was yelling and carrying on about the decorations outside.
When I asked him to explain what he was upset about, he replied, "Are you trying to fry your guests before they get in the door? I grabbed the bannister to walk up the stairs and got a jolt of electricity throughout my body!"
My mother-in-law and I started to crack up....he was wide-eyed and frazzled. It looked as if he did indeed get a severe shock from my hap-hazard holiday design rigged to eliminate not only my ex-husband, but all univited guests and anyone else who sought the aid of the bannister that evening!!
Thanks for letting me share the story...I hope you had a good giggle. Happy Holidays to you, your staff anf listeners.
Nancy
Hahaha your stories are hilarious... Just love them! =]
And do not listen to Anonymous and buy a blow up doll Santa thingy. Those are beyond stupid. :)
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