The Dirty Truth About Facebook

Okay, so I guess this "Facebook" thing is going to catch on. I apologize for previous predictions that it would go the way of the "Pet Rock."

However, I do see that it is causing far more problems than it causes. I'm not just talking about "Farmville," either. Though, that's pretty bad. I don't know how many people have to invite me to play "Farmville," before everyone realizes that I'm NOT going to do it.

I WON'T!!!

I AM NOT GOING TO DO IT!!!

I REFUSE TO DRINK THE KOOL-AID!!

Nor, am I going to open a cafe, join the mafia, or start a sweet shop. I would be interested in building my own roller coaster. BUT, I have an actual video game for that, so I don't need to do it on "Facebook."

I think the bigger problem starts when we, and we have ALL done it, start looking for past romances, and such,

Yes you have.

YES...YOU HAVE!!!!

LIAR!!!!

LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE!!!!!

Okay, fine. YOU are the ONLY one who hasn't. There. Happy?

But, for the rest of us (the one's who aren't lying to ourselves,) there have been times when we might have typed in the name of a former love interest, just to see how things turned out.

You know how it goes, right?

You type in their name.

You scan the various profiles that come up.

You see their picture.

Then, you think to yourself: Hey, they look great!! She's even prettier than I remember. You know, things ended on such a sour note, I'm just happy that things turned out okay for her. You know what they call this? Closure. For all these years I've been wondering if she's okay. Now, I know. I think I'll try and "friend" her, and see if she has any kids, or how things turned out for her. I could NOT be happier.

Then, you shoot off a friend request, with a short message that reads: "Hey!! Remember me? LOL. If you ever wanna talk about old times, I would love to hear how things are going. Hope all is well."
Then, we would close up the computer, pick up a good book, and patiently wait to hear from them, at their earliest convenience.

Right?

WRONG!!!!!

ARE YOU FREAKING INSANE!?!!!

THAT'S not how it goes.

THIS....is how it goes.

You are sitting downstairs, in your basement, while the rest of the family is asleep. There is no light, but the flickering glare of the computer screen.

You're tired, and you're not thinking straight. You're done looking at porn....Don't ask how you KNOW you're done. You're just done. Let's leave it at that, okay?.........But, you don't wanna go to bed. Now what?

The flickering light starts to work its way into your brain. Then, instead of reading CNN or The New York Times, your mind starts to wander. Where does it wander, you ask? It wanders to every heartless, witch who broke your heart because you didn't have a nice car, or had an odd sense of humor, or talked like a Muppet, or weren't your brother Steve who is taller, smarter, funnier, and better looking than you. (Note to self: Kill Steve. He's ruined your life.)

So, you start typing in names, and scanning profile pictures, and your true feelings start coming out.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY SMILING ABOUT???? HOW COULD THEY POSSIBLY BE HAPPY?? THEY AREN'T WITH ME!!! GEEZ!!!!! IS THAT A WEDDING PICTURE!?!!! SHE GOT MARRIED!!!!! MY GOD!!!!! IT'S ONLY BEEN 15 YEARS!!!!! SHE DIDN'T EVEN WAIT FOR THE BODY TO GET COLD!!!!!!! AND JUST WHO IS THAT GUY!?!! HER HUSBAND!?!! HE'S NOT BETTER LOOKING THAN ME!! WAIT, IS HE BETTER LOOKING THAN ME!?!! OH MY GOD, HE'S BETTER LOOKING THAN ME!!!! SHE ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT LOOKS DIDN'T MATTER!!!! SO, NOT ONLY IS SHE HAPPY, BUT SHE'S A LIAR, TOO!!!! WAIT A MINUTE. ARE THOSE KIDS!?!! THEY HAD KIDS!!!! SO, NOT ONLY DID SHE MARRY SOMEONE ELSE, BUT THEY HAD SEX!?!! WTF!?!! MY GOD, DID I MEAN NOTHING TO HER!?!!
ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. I'M GOING TO HAVE TO "FRIEND" HER, JUST SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON HER. CLEARLY SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED.

Then, later that next day, she will see that you have sent her a friend request, and a small, long dormant piece of her heart will smile, and she will click "accept." Then, she will look at your pictures, and think about how great it is that you look so happy.

No.

No, she won't.