Monday, May 4, 2009

Never Wake Up Before God...

I don't like getting up early.

At all.

Never.

Not for anything.

If Carrie Underwood herself came to my room, at 4am, wearing an "Emily Babydoll," from Frederick's of Hollywood (sheer mesh, with petite black bow at the pleated bust. Underwire cups feature foam padding for lift and shape. Matching panty. Nylon/spandex. Imported!!), and begged me to have my way with her, I would probably ask her to come back in a few hours.

You probably think that I'm crazy. But, if Carrie Underwood were willing to leave her current tour, put on an "Emily Babydoll" (It's real. Swear to God), and come to MY house at 4am, I bet she would be willing to wait a couple more hours. Clearly she thinks I'm worth it. I mean, I'M NOT. But, she doesn't know that, yet. She just got here.

Anyway, my son does NOT take after me. I know this because HE got up at 4am, Sunday, and thought nothing of it. He was wide awake, and full of energy. Hell, HE probably would have let Carrie Underwood stay. It wouldn't have been the same, though. He just would have wanted to play "Pat-A-Cake" with her. Dumb kid. He's got Carrie Underwood, right there, in lingerie and all he wants to do is play "Pat-A-Cake." I'm gonna have to have a talk with that boy.

So, he wakes up at 4am, and it was MY turn to get up with him. I know this because my wife kept kicking me in the back, and telling me that it was my turn. I thought about arguing. But, she'd already been kicking me in the back. I was afraid of what might happen if I started talking back. So, I got up.

At 4am God isn't even awake. The sun is not out. Plus, and probably worst, there is NOTHING on TV. It wouldn't have mattered if there was. My son, Max, was AWAKE. When Max is awake, things are okay. When Max is AWAKE nothing, not even the nuclear codes, are safe.

Being a responsible parent, I determined that my 12 month old son doesn't watch nearly enough TV. I also thought it would be cute to Tivo several episodes of a show called "Max and Ruby."

Max!! Get it!?!!

Cute, huh?

Yeah, no one else thought so, either. But, I tried.

Anyway, "Max and Ruby" is a story about brother and sister rabbits named.....Ready?......Max and Ruby. Genius!!! Max is a little boy rabbit, who doesn't speak much. Every so often he will shout out an random word. Usually it's an object that he sees. I imagine that this is not unlike what someone with a traumatic brain injury does. But, Max is just a baby bunny. So, I think he's okay. His sister, Ruby, takes care of him, and treats him more like a doll. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe that Max and Ruby have been abandoned by their parents, because you never see them. We have not, as of yet, reached the point where the house runs out of food, and Max and Ruby have to eat their own flesh in order to survive. I'm sure it's coming. But, we're not there, yet. So, everything is still happy.

I just decided that NOW, at 4am, was the time to get my son interested in TV. So, I plopped him down in the family room, and turned on what was to become a 2-hour, "Max and Ruby" marathon.

YAY, FOR ME!!!!

Max was not interested. But, at 4am, I was enthralled.

The first episode was about how Ruby wanted to have a tea party. However, in a clever plot twist, TV-Max wanted to play ball. You could cut the tension with a knife!!!

Ruby: We're going to have a tea party, Max.

Me: Look, Max!!! They're gonna have a tea party.

TV-Max: Ball.

Me: Uh-oh. It looks like Max, the bunny, wants to play ball. Could get a little dicey.

Real Max: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Real Max, my son, was attempting the leave the family room, and get into the laundry room. He yells when he does this. Sort of a "Braveheart," yell-for-freedom, kind of thing. So, I had to get up, close the laundry room door, and put up the gate that keeps Real Max from going down the hall. When I came back, TV-Max was very happily playing ball.

Me: Aw!!! What happened?

I could have just rewound it. But, I believe in forward momentum, you see. Plus, I was REALLY tired, and my brain wasn't working right.

In our next episode, TV-Max wanted to swing. But, Ruby was afraid that he was swinging too high (still no parents.) So, she decided that TV-Max should play ball instead. This was wise on her part since, as we had established in a previous episode, TV-Max LIKES to play ball.

TV-Max: Swing.

Ruby: No, Max. You swing too high. Why don't you play ball, instead?

TV-Max: SWING!!!

Me: Uh-oh. It's gonna get ugly, in a minute. You better pay attention, Maxie.

Ruby: No swinging, Max. Here, you take this ball and play. I'll be inside.

TV-Max (kicks the ball away): Swing.

Me (laughing): This IS NOT gonna end well.

Real Max: Ahhhhhhhhh......

He was eating dry cat food, out of the cat dish.

It's funny. Just the other day I was thinking that his coat was looking EXTRA shiny.

So, I had to dig all the cat food out of his mouth, wipe off his hands, and put up the OTHER gate that keeps him from getting into the kitchen where we keep the cat food.

When I got back, TV-Max was happily swinging, and the ending music was starting to play.

I'm glad these things are Tivoed, so that I can watch them, later.

I also didn't get to see how TV-Max was able to get the wheel on his truck fixed. This was because Real-Max was ripping up my wife's favorite magazine, and eating it (I'm sure I'll get kicked for that, later.)

I didn't get to see whether or not TV-Max was able to figure out a way to open his birthday presents early, because Real-Max had pulled the phone out of the wall, and was attempting to smash it into submission.

And, I did not get to see whether or not TV-Max was able to plant HIS garden, the way HE wanted to, without the help of that bossy, dominating witch, Ruby, telling him how SHE thought he should do it. This bothered me. It was, after all HIS garden. What business was it of hers?

I'm glad I NEVER had a big sister.

On top of that, I was exhausted.

At around 7am, my wife came downstairs and saw cat food all over, the laundry room door shut, and her magazine, in shreds, on the floor.

My Wife: WHAT have you been doing all morning!?!!

Me (annoyed): Well, I haven't been having sex with Carrie Underwood, that's for damn sure!!

With that, I stumbled back upstairs, and went back to bed.

If Carrie swings by, in an "Emily Babydoll" (I'd prefer black. But, lavender would be good, too), I'm going to let her stay.

At the very least, I bet she wouldn't kick me. But, if she did, I bet I would kinda like it.

Casey

24 comments:

MJ from NJ said...

I have been up way to early and have watched Max and Ruby...I thought I was the only one that thought Ruby was a mean big Sister! Too Funny! However, next time if you put in a baby einstien DVD you can hit replay...the soothing music works like majic.
Good Luck!
Tired Mom

Alexis from South Brunswick said...

I, too, have been up at the ungodly hour that Max and Ruby comes on and thought she was an overbearing witch as well. Then I felt embarrassed thinking bad things about a nicktoons rabbit at said ungodly hour in the morning and vowed never to reveal my secret to anyone. Oh well. (side note, every time I say "Oh well" I think of that moron from the other day talking about the police officer and how he felt he should have KNOWN he was going to get cancer and shouldn't be able to use his coworkers sick time. I'll be saying "Oh well!" when I read of his flesh eating disease as well. Wow, tangent.) Anyway, loved the blog, laughed, cried, etc. Enjoy your day.

Anonymous said...

HOW MUCH DID YOU RAISE FOR THE TOUR FOR THE CURE? AND HOW MUCH DID YOU DONATE? WHY DON'T YOU DISCLOSE? WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

ந.பி said...

Wow!! Thats a long blog man. I will try to finish reading it tomorrow.

Brian from Burlington said...

Ahh.. the 4am back kick. I get the "Your turn all the time on the weekends. Even though I work all week and always consider the weekend a chance to sleep in. No such luck. Ever.

About Katz... that interview sucked. She's just another typical lying answer-dodging NJ politician. And you should never have her on again. What a waste!! I would have rather had the opportunity to win SPAM playing "Smarter than Ray Rossi."

Anonymous said...

Did you write this nonsensical crap at 4:00 AM?

gracada said...

My friend's son love Max and Ruby. Wait til Wonder Pets becomes a great thing.

The songs get in your head...and will not leave!

Anonymous said...

YER SUCH A PUTZ CASEY....NEVER WERE A JERSEY GUY AND NEVER WILL BE...GOTTA LAUGH WHEN YOU COMPLAIN ON AIR ABOUT LACK OF SEX, CAN'T SAY I DON'T BLAME HER....SHE MUST BE A SAINT, AT LEAST I CAN CHANGE THE CHANNEL....( how does she do it)

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

your little temper tantrum today wasn't as good as the Oprah one.

didn't you lie when you said you were going to announce how much you raised for the tour for the cure?

Jesse said...

You're an asshole the way you handled the Christie phone interview. You were not only wrong but you came off as a complete fool. You need to get your facts straight before you go accusing people.

The show is getting unbearable and I find I am now tuning in less and only for the sake of Ray. If Ray is off I do not tune in at all. He is a good guy and it's pathetic to see you dragging down the show. I can't listen for the four hours anymore like I used to.

I thought having Christie on the phone was a plus for the show but of course you blew it.

Anonymous said...

Hey hack, are you just a lying liar from liarsville? Seems you missed a few things about
the school program that lets students experience being homeless
. Looks like you left out the fact that the Paideia School is a private school. What is all this security you were talking about? You say they are given peanutbutter and ramen, fine, but why leave out that the students also serve lunch to the homeless? It's so pathetic to have to lie to make your case, but that's what you propagandists do. Go hide behind your screener.

Anonymous said...

So now you want to be a waiter and give you tips to charity for a radio stunt? Are you actually going to give the money to charity? How much did you raise for the Tour For the Cure? You said you would disclose how much you raised and how much you donated, you never did.

Anonymous said...

How many people showed up at your lame Empty Wallet radio stunt? you kept saying thousands, that must only exist in your mind, becuase there are no credible sources that back that up.

Anonymous said...

Long Blog filled with crap

Anonymous said...

when is your contract up? go fade away into obscurity.

Anonymous said...

Bon Jovi has done more for the troops than you have. The questions remain, which you are afraid to answer. When was he asked to perform for the troops? Was he given enough notice? Do you think he would want to be associated with a hack radio station? Who are the other people that you asked to perform? Did they cancel too? Face it, you are drumming up controversey where none exists so that you can ride Bon Jovi's coattails.

Bon Jovi at the Commander In Chief's Ball

Anonymous said...

what happened to the job-a-thon? fail much?

Anonymous said...

wow, talk about stealing ideas! hey is your "tunnel to macy's basement" idea like you stealing the Bumvertising?

Anonymous said...

Casey, you spent all Monday bashing Bon Jovi for not performing at the Welcome Home event. What was your involvment in the event? It sounds like you had fuckall to do with it. You didn't even attend the event that your radio station sponsored. Then to show how pathetic you are, you totally blow off the Vietnam Vet that called asking why his group wasn't invited to the event.
Why don't you support the troops? Or is your idea of supporting the troops just another show with the topic "I support the troops"?

Anonymous said...

Lisa,
Are you one of the sheep that calls in and says "I agree with everything you say."?

Anonymous said...

way to be a rebel hack. you're nothing more than a spoiled brat and a bully that caves instantly.

Anonymous said...

Casey, I am a huge fan of your radio show and your blog. Update soon, please! I think you're a very talented writer =)

Ashley

Anonymous said...

i think the question ashley meant to ask is "When are you going to write another 5 page long blog about your precious snowflakes and bore the hell out of anyone stupid enough to read it?

Hack!