As we move from 2008 to 2009, I believe we should use this as a time of hope, and reflection. A time to learn from the mistakes of the previous year, and use our new wisdom to make the coming year one of shining optimism. Basically, we should take a moment to lie to ourselves about 2008, and fool ourselves into thinking about how good 2009 will be.
On that note, here are a few thoughts:
-If you thought the economy in 2008 was bad, just wait until you see 2009. There are two other types of mortgages that are going to, basically, collapse in the coming year. They are known as Alt-A’s, and Option Arms. Without getting too technical, these are loans that basically started off with the payment being at, say, $800. When the adjustment happens, many of these payments are going to, in some cases, nearly double. This hasn’t happened, yet, but it’s GOING to happen. When it does, things are going to get worse, not better.
-I didn’t vote for Barack Obama. I didn’t agree with nearly anything he was running on. That being said, we should all get 100% behind him. Things suck and they’re going to get, shall we say, suckier.
-According to Joe Biden, within the next 6 months the terrorists are going to do something to “test” our new President. I always hated tests. I’m not looking forward to this one.
-As he leaves office, I hope people will remember that Bush wasn’t nearly as bad of a President as the media allows you to believe. He tried to fix this mess, in ’03, but got blocked.
-Things will get worse before they get better. But, they will get better. “This, too, shall pass.”
-I lost 20 pounds, this year. I hope I don’t gain it back.
-Heath Ledger will probably win an Oscar. I saw the movie. He was okay. That’s what I think of him as an actor. He was okay. I hope they don’t reward him just because he was stupid enough to kill himself.
-Dane Cook is still not funny. I don’t know why people keep paying him to try.
-They didn’t think we would ever give up our cars. But, when gas went through the roof, people started driving less. Suck it, OPEC!!!
-I just can’t watch baseball, anymore. It’s boring, and takes too long.
-Basketball players look stupid in those long shorts.
-Having a pool is more trouble than it’s worth. Everyone told me, but I didn’t listen. You all win.
-Jessica Simpson has a nice body, but really isn’t very pretty. I think she has extra teeth. Creepy.
-I like country music more as I get older. But, I don’t drive a truck, and I refuse to hunt.
-I have a fake Christmas tree, and there are needles all over my carpet. What the hell!?!!
-I still drive a minivan. I’m 39. I think I need to have a mid-life crisis. If for no other reason, I want a better car.
-At this time next year, we will still be in Iraq. You see, it doesn’t matter who’s in charge. Things never really change.
-I’ve started taking my daughter to breakfast, every weekend. I know she’s only 8, but she’s getting older. Soon she won’t want to have breakfast with her old man. I want to cherish this time.
-Computers still break when I touch them. Maybe 2009 will be better for that.
-“Big Bang Theory” and “The Office” are the funniest shows on TV.
-I still enjoy “Heroes.”
-“Hannah Montana” is a funny show. I wouldn’t watch it if I didn’t have a young daughter. But, it’s still funny. I hope Miley Cyrus saves her money.
-In New Jersey, Governor Corzine will continue to do things that will screw things up in this state, for years and years to come. I think it’s his mission. He might be a pod person.
-The Beatles are still the best group, EVER!!! Nothing has changed. Probably never will.
-I’m going to write more, in 2009. It requires more discipline than I often have. But, I want to do it. So, if anyone would like to come over and discipline me, feel free. I need it.
-In 2008, I realized what I want. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. But, I know what it is. It’s good to have goals, I think.
Most importantly, for me, 2008 was the year that my son almost died. I blogged about that. If you want to go back and read it, you can. I’m not going to rehash it. It still hurts. I am haunted by the images of tiny babies, with tubes coming out of every part of their bodies. Thank God I was able to walk away from that. The economy can crumble, and the various wars can go on. I can’t control that. My boy is here, and he’s thriving. For that alone I will remember 2008 as a good year.
I only started this blog, this past year. Many people enjoy it, and some people hate it. Some find me mildly amusing, and some think I’m an untalented dweeb. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Either way, thank you for indulging me. I’ll continue to try and do whatever it is that I’m trying to do, in the new year. I hope you all stick with me.
In the meantime, I wish you all health and happiness in the coming year.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Casey
P.S. You have my permission to slug the people who say “See ya’ next year,” when you aren’t going to see them until after the 31st. I hate that.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 5, 2008
A Continuing Study Into My Short Comings As A Human
As we have established many times on this blog, "handy" is not a word that would be used to describe me.
You want proof?
One of my current "projects" is to open a dresser drawer. That's it. The dresser drawer is closed, and I need to figure out how to get it opened.
Simple, right?
FOOL!!!!!
I can't figure out how to do it.
I pulled it. Then, I pulled it some more. THEN, I pulled it REALLY hard.
Nothing.
I pulled all the other drawers out. I crawled inside, with a flashlight, to see if something were jammed in it. I saw nothing. I even tried to do that Fonzie thing, where I just pound on the top of the dresser with my fist, and all the drawers would slide open. All I accoplished was hurting my hand.
So, you'd probably think that EVEN I could handle something as simple as opening a dresser drawer. Well, you'd be wrong. I can't.
The best part about it is that when my wife finally gave up on me, which happens sooner and sooner with each event, she had to call people and TELL them that I couldn't get the drawer open. Now, as I write this, I'm waiting for large men to come to my house and deliver the replacement dresser. I will have to tell them, too, that I could not get the drawer open. They will look at me. They will smile. Then, using their thumb and forefinger, will deilcatley pull on the handle, and the drawer will slide open. Then, they will laugh at me.
Trust me. I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends.
It probably doesn't help my cause, any, that I shaved my beard off, this past week. At least I looked hard and rugged. Now, I look more like the frightened mug shot of the guy who got arrested for stealing women's panties out of the laundry room.
Not much I can do about that. I'm just playin' the hand God dealt me.
So, in order to try and regain the "Man Of The House" tag, that I am rapidly losing to my 7-month old son, I MIGHT attempt to put up my Christmas lights, this weekend.
This was easier in the old days. The days when I lived in ranch style houses, and the ground was nearly as far away. I didn't even have to get all the way up on the ladder. I'd just go half-way up, attach the lights, and I was done.
There was the one time that I tried to get cute, and I actually fell off the roof. More like "slid" off the roof, really. I was on the roof, of my not-to-high ranch house, doing my best impression of Clark Griswald, trying to make my hosue visible from Mars, when all of a sudden I started sliding. Slowly, at first. Then, progressively faster. I was flaying my arms about, trying to grab something, ANYTHING, to keep my self from going over the side. But, as I discovered, there is not much on your average roof to grab.
I tried rolling.....All I did was start sliding at an angle.
I tried laying flat....Kept sliding.
I tried sitting up....Still sliding.
I tried kicking my feet (it was every bit as comical as it sounds).....More sliding.
Finally, when I got to the edge, I put my feet down and jumped. You see, there was a planter filled with cactus (honest!) down below, and I didn't want to land in the cactus. My life is a lot of things. I DID NOT want it to become a Road Runner cartoon.
So, I jumped off the roof, and landed in the middle of my yard, messing up my leg and tearing the jacket I had on.
TA-DAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
True story. Not one of my proudest moments.
My current house has two stories. So, I will be forced to crawl up on the roof, and walk around, while I attach tiny, sparkling slights. It's also supposed to be especially cold. Which means, I won't even be able to wear gloves, because I'll be dealing with tiny lights.
It's a pretty safe bet that, if I even decide to do it, it will not end well for me. There will be no sliding, and jacket tearing. There will be falling, and skull cracking.
Even if I manage to get them up, without killing myself, I'll just have to go back up in 3 weeks, and tempt fate, again.
.......There was a brief pause, here. The guys just came with the new dresser. When they asked me what was wrong with the old one, I told them I couldn't get the drawer open.
They laughed.
Somewhere God is smiling.
Casey
You want proof?
One of my current "projects" is to open a dresser drawer. That's it. The dresser drawer is closed, and I need to figure out how to get it opened.
Simple, right?
FOOL!!!!!
I can't figure out how to do it.
I pulled it. Then, I pulled it some more. THEN, I pulled it REALLY hard.
Nothing.
I pulled all the other drawers out. I crawled inside, with a flashlight, to see if something were jammed in it. I saw nothing. I even tried to do that Fonzie thing, where I just pound on the top of the dresser with my fist, and all the drawers would slide open. All I accoplished was hurting my hand.
So, you'd probably think that EVEN I could handle something as simple as opening a dresser drawer. Well, you'd be wrong. I can't.
The best part about it is that when my wife finally gave up on me, which happens sooner and sooner with each event, she had to call people and TELL them that I couldn't get the drawer open. Now, as I write this, I'm waiting for large men to come to my house and deliver the replacement dresser. I will have to tell them, too, that I could not get the drawer open. They will look at me. They will smile. Then, using their thumb and forefinger, will deilcatley pull on the handle, and the drawer will slide open. Then, they will laugh at me.
Trust me. I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends.
It probably doesn't help my cause, any, that I shaved my beard off, this past week. At least I looked hard and rugged. Now, I look more like the frightened mug shot of the guy who got arrested for stealing women's panties out of the laundry room.
Not much I can do about that. I'm just playin' the hand God dealt me.
So, in order to try and regain the "Man Of The House" tag, that I am rapidly losing to my 7-month old son, I MIGHT attempt to put up my Christmas lights, this weekend.
This was easier in the old days. The days when I lived in ranch style houses, and the ground was nearly as far away. I didn't even have to get all the way up on the ladder. I'd just go half-way up, attach the lights, and I was done.
There was the one time that I tried to get cute, and I actually fell off the roof. More like "slid" off the roof, really. I was on the roof, of my not-to-high ranch house, doing my best impression of Clark Griswald, trying to make my hosue visible from Mars, when all of a sudden I started sliding. Slowly, at first. Then, progressively faster. I was flaying my arms about, trying to grab something, ANYTHING, to keep my self from going over the side. But, as I discovered, there is not much on your average roof to grab.
I tried rolling.....All I did was start sliding at an angle.
I tried laying flat....Kept sliding.
I tried sitting up....Still sliding.
I tried kicking my feet (it was every bit as comical as it sounds).....More sliding.
Finally, when I got to the edge, I put my feet down and jumped. You see, there was a planter filled with cactus (honest!) down below, and I didn't want to land in the cactus. My life is a lot of things. I DID NOT want it to become a Road Runner cartoon.
So, I jumped off the roof, and landed in the middle of my yard, messing up my leg and tearing the jacket I had on.
TA-DAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
True story. Not one of my proudest moments.
My current house has two stories. So, I will be forced to crawl up on the roof, and walk around, while I attach tiny, sparkling slights. It's also supposed to be especially cold. Which means, I won't even be able to wear gloves, because I'll be dealing with tiny lights.
It's a pretty safe bet that, if I even decide to do it, it will not end well for me. There will be no sliding, and jacket tearing. There will be falling, and skull cracking.
Even if I manage to get them up, without killing myself, I'll just have to go back up in 3 weeks, and tempt fate, again.
.......There was a brief pause, here. The guys just came with the new dresser. When they asked me what was wrong with the old one, I told them I couldn't get the drawer open.
They laughed.
Somewhere God is smiling.
Casey
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Christmas Killing Season Begins!!!
I've never LOVED going to Walmart. It's fine. But, I much prefer going to Target for all of my unnecessary shopping needs. However, while I never loved going there, I certainly never assumed that I was taking my life into my hands be making a visit.
Yet, this past week, on African American Friday, an innocent Walmart employee was killed, murdered some might say, by a large throng (that's the first time I have ever typed that word) of people obsessed with getting their hands on as many poorly constructed, plastic objects as they could.
Truthfully, is there ANYTHING at Walmart worth killing another human being over?
Sure, they sell Yoo-Hoo. As we all know, if you get in the way of someoene and their Yoo-Hoo, you get what you deserve. But, I was thinking more along the lines of a simple beating. I don't think I would kill someone who was delaying my purchase of the world's most perfect beverage........Of course, my fridge is safely stocked, with a week's supply. So, thankfully I don't have to make such decisions, yet..........Yet.
There was one thing, though I still don't believe it was worth killing a person over. You could get the Edward Norton version of "The Incredible Hulk" for a mere $9. Now, I like Edward Norton just fine. Like most people, I don't rush out and see his movies (The first rule of "Fight Club" is that not many people went to go see fight club.) Plus, he has kind of a lisp (yes he does....Infinity!!!), and I don't really see him as "The Hulk." Also, there were apparently creative differences over that movie that caused him to NOT promote it.
I know what you're thinking......
"What kind of 'creative differences' could they have over 'The Hulk?'"
Edward Norton: I think "Hulk" should be more of an "olive green."
Studio Head: No way. "Hulk" is CLEARLY more of a "hunter greenish" hue.
Edward Norton: Not if I'M "The Hulk".......I'll be in my trailor!!!!
Studio Head: Fine. "The Hulk's" not supposed to have a lisp, anyway.
Edward Norton: What!?!! HULK THMASH!!!!
Studio Head: See?
Edward Norton: Damn it.
So, people were willilng to kill a man, so that they would only have to pay $9 to see the olive-green-lisping "Hulk." Reason enough to kill? I think not.
He wasn't even a real employee.
He was a temp.
I'll be the real employees were cowering in the back, somewhere, terrified of the "classy" Walmart shoppers who were about to kick down the door, and kill everyone. I have no proof of this, but I bet that if we were able to obtain secret, "internal" memos from Walmart, they would not refer to them as "temporary employees." I'll bet they use the phrase, "human sacrifices."
Of course, I'm just speculating......A little.
On a side note, Judi Franco is no longer with New Jersey 101.5. Judi co-hosted the "Dennis and Judi" show for more than 11 years.
On top of being a co-worker, Judi is a dear friend of mine. When I left NJ 101.5, back in 2002, I never stopped talking to Judi. When I lost my job, she was always there, willing to talk to me, and offering support.
Honestly, a lot of people in radio are evil, nasty, backstabbing bastards. Judi is not like that. Although we kidded each other on the air, we are great friends, and I love her like a sister......Though, she did once invite me to her house, but neglected to tell me where it was. An oversight, I'm sure.
Judi's gonna do great. She's already got a bunch of things going on, and is gonna do fine. Michelle is a great host, and "Dennis and Michelle" are gonna do great.
But, I'm not someone who handles change, very well, and I can't help feeling a little off, today.
BEST OF LUCK, JUDI!!!!
I miss you already.
Casey
Yet, this past week, on African American Friday, an innocent Walmart employee was killed, murdered some might say, by a large throng (that's the first time I have ever typed that word) of people obsessed with getting their hands on as many poorly constructed, plastic objects as they could.
Truthfully, is there ANYTHING at Walmart worth killing another human being over?
Sure, they sell Yoo-Hoo. As we all know, if you get in the way of someoene and their Yoo-Hoo, you get what you deserve. But, I was thinking more along the lines of a simple beating. I don't think I would kill someone who was delaying my purchase of the world's most perfect beverage........Of course, my fridge is safely stocked, with a week's supply. So, thankfully I don't have to make such decisions, yet..........Yet.
There was one thing, though I still don't believe it was worth killing a person over. You could get the Edward Norton version of "The Incredible Hulk" for a mere $9. Now, I like Edward Norton just fine. Like most people, I don't rush out and see his movies (The first rule of "Fight Club" is that not many people went to go see fight club.) Plus, he has kind of a lisp (yes he does....Infinity!!!), and I don't really see him as "The Hulk." Also, there were apparently creative differences over that movie that caused him to NOT promote it.
I know what you're thinking......
"What kind of 'creative differences' could they have over 'The Hulk?'"
Edward Norton: I think "Hulk" should be more of an "olive green."
Studio Head: No way. "Hulk" is CLEARLY more of a "hunter greenish" hue.
Edward Norton: Not if I'M "The Hulk".......I'll be in my trailor!!!!
Studio Head: Fine. "The Hulk's" not supposed to have a lisp, anyway.
Edward Norton: What!?!! HULK THMASH!!!!
Studio Head: See?
Edward Norton: Damn it.
So, people were willilng to kill a man, so that they would only have to pay $9 to see the olive-green-lisping "Hulk." Reason enough to kill? I think not.
He wasn't even a real employee.
He was a temp.
I'll be the real employees were cowering in the back, somewhere, terrified of the "classy" Walmart shoppers who were about to kick down the door, and kill everyone. I have no proof of this, but I bet that if we were able to obtain secret, "internal" memos from Walmart, they would not refer to them as "temporary employees." I'll bet they use the phrase, "human sacrifices."
Of course, I'm just speculating......A little.
On a side note, Judi Franco is no longer with New Jersey 101.5. Judi co-hosted the "Dennis and Judi" show for more than 11 years.
On top of being a co-worker, Judi is a dear friend of mine. When I left NJ 101.5, back in 2002, I never stopped talking to Judi. When I lost my job, she was always there, willing to talk to me, and offering support.
Honestly, a lot of people in radio are evil, nasty, backstabbing bastards. Judi is not like that. Although we kidded each other on the air, we are great friends, and I love her like a sister......Though, she did once invite me to her house, but neglected to tell me where it was. An oversight, I'm sure.
Judi's gonna do great. She's already got a bunch of things going on, and is gonna do fine. Michelle is a great host, and "Dennis and Michelle" are gonna do great.
But, I'm not someone who handles change, very well, and I can't help feeling a little off, today.
BEST OF LUCK, JUDI!!!!
I miss you already.
Casey
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving IX: Charlie Brown's Revenge
Much to my shock, I came in late for the "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, the other night. I've always been a big fan of the Charlie Brown specials. I think it's because I relate to him, so well.
A) Many people tolerate me. But, I have few friends.
B) Bad things happen to me for seemingly no good reason.
C) That bitch next door NEVER lets me kick the football.
I was annoyed, though, when I tuned in and found that I had missed my traditional "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, and had to deal with what they call the "second half."
Most of the Charlie Brown specials are considered "classics," now. So, in order to cash in on that, the studio has taken to adding on the "second half." It's an updated portion, not nearly as good, that they slapped together in order to make more money off of it. They do the same thing with the Christmas and Valentine's Day specials.
SACRILEGE
So the other night, having missed the REAL special, I was forced to endure the "Charlie Brown" version of the Pilgrams coming over on the Mayflower.
Sure, there was death, disease, and famine. But, a few zesty quips from Lucy, and all was well.
In this special "the gang," if you will, and several adults came to the new world. That's another thing. These were adults who actually SPOKE!! Adults DON'T speak in the Peanuts cartoons. More Heresey!!! The adults are not only NOT supposed to be seen, but when they talk it is in a non-descript tone. Sort of how my wife sounds when she talks to me.
Anyway, in this new special, they all come to America, get sick, survive, and meet the indians. The indians, of course, are THRILLED to meet the creepy new people.
(I'm paraphrasing here)
Peanuts Guy: Wow, isn't the new world great!?!! And, look!! Here come some indians.
Indian Guy: Ugh! We-um welcome you-um to our land-um. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Well, that's just super special of you. Do you know anywhere that we could pick up some food, or something, for dinner?
Indian Guy: Ugh. We have-um no stores. But, we will help-um you to learn-um to grow heap big crops, to feed-um your people. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Gosh, you guys sure are nice. I think we should have some kind of party, where we can give thanks, and celebrate all this good will.
Indian Guy: Ugh.
Please note that this "special" made no mention of the pending slaughter that was to take place in the coming years. It also made being a pilgram, in the dead of winter, seem SLIGHTLY more problematic than a two-week vacation in Maui.
It was bland.
It was boring.
It was NOT what I wanted to see.
If you want to update Peanuts for a modern, "Grand Theft Auto" audience, and maintain a certain level of reality, I think it should have gone more like this.
Charlie Brown: Who the hell is that?
Linus: I think that's one of them indians.
Indian Guy: Hey, how you guys doin'? Just wanted to swing by, say hello, and welcome you all to the area.
Charlie Brown: You just came by to say "hi," huh?
Indian Guy: Yeah, you know....Oh....My wife put together this little basket for you guys. It's got some maze, and some hemp, and a little tobacco for the old peace pipe, if you know what I'm saying.
Charlie Brown (plunging a jagged rock into the indian's chest): DIE, YOU GODLESS, SAVAGE BASTARD!!!!!!!!
Linus: I don't think that's a very good idea, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown (ripping the indians heart out of his chest): TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE, SAVAGE!!!!!!
Linus: Good grief.
Lucy: Charlie Brown, you're a block head.
Charlie Brown (eating the now dead indians heart): I'M EATING HIS SOUL!!!!! I'M EATING HIS SAVAGE SOUL!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA!!!!!!
Peppermint Patty: Hey Marcy, while they're slaughtering the indians, and eating their souls, why don't you and me go out in the woods and explore some of these "not-so-veiled" feelings we've been having?
Marcy: Yes, sir.
Now, I'm not saying that that is the way that it SHOULD be. I'm just trying to think of a way to bring it into the 21st century. I want my children to have the same fondness and love, for the Peanuts specials, that I had growing up.
Is that so wrong?
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get back to work on my updated version of "The Grinch," where the Grinch rips off Cindy Lou Who's head, and drinks the still warm blood from her body.
I'm JUST trying to deal with reality, here, folks.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Casey
A) Many people tolerate me. But, I have few friends.
B) Bad things happen to me for seemingly no good reason.
C) That bitch next door NEVER lets me kick the football.
I was annoyed, though, when I tuned in and found that I had missed my traditional "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, and had to deal with what they call the "second half."
Most of the Charlie Brown specials are considered "classics," now. So, in order to cash in on that, the studio has taken to adding on the "second half." It's an updated portion, not nearly as good, that they slapped together in order to make more money off of it. They do the same thing with the Christmas and Valentine's Day specials.
SACRILEGE
So the other night, having missed the REAL special, I was forced to endure the "Charlie Brown" version of the Pilgrams coming over on the Mayflower.
Sure, there was death, disease, and famine. But, a few zesty quips from Lucy, and all was well.
In this special "the gang," if you will, and several adults came to the new world. That's another thing. These were adults who actually SPOKE!! Adults DON'T speak in the Peanuts cartoons. More Heresey!!! The adults are not only NOT supposed to be seen, but when they talk it is in a non-descript tone. Sort of how my wife sounds when she talks to me.
Anyway, in this new special, they all come to America, get sick, survive, and meet the indians. The indians, of course, are THRILLED to meet the creepy new people.
(I'm paraphrasing here)
Peanuts Guy: Wow, isn't the new world great!?!! And, look!! Here come some indians.
Indian Guy: Ugh! We-um welcome you-um to our land-um. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Well, that's just super special of you. Do you know anywhere that we could pick up some food, or something, for dinner?
Indian Guy: Ugh. We have-um no stores. But, we will help-um you to learn-um to grow heap big crops, to feed-um your people. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Gosh, you guys sure are nice. I think we should have some kind of party, where we can give thanks, and celebrate all this good will.
Indian Guy: Ugh.
Please note that this "special" made no mention of the pending slaughter that was to take place in the coming years. It also made being a pilgram, in the dead of winter, seem SLIGHTLY more problematic than a two-week vacation in Maui.
It was bland.
It was boring.
It was NOT what I wanted to see.
If you want to update Peanuts for a modern, "Grand Theft Auto" audience, and maintain a certain level of reality, I think it should have gone more like this.
Charlie Brown: Who the hell is that?
Linus: I think that's one of them indians.
Indian Guy: Hey, how you guys doin'? Just wanted to swing by, say hello, and welcome you all to the area.
Charlie Brown: You just came by to say "hi," huh?
Indian Guy: Yeah, you know....Oh....My wife put together this little basket for you guys. It's got some maze, and some hemp, and a little tobacco for the old peace pipe, if you know what I'm saying.
Charlie Brown (plunging a jagged rock into the indian's chest): DIE, YOU GODLESS, SAVAGE BASTARD!!!!!!!!
Linus: I don't think that's a very good idea, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown (ripping the indians heart out of his chest): TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE, SAVAGE!!!!!!
Linus: Good grief.
Lucy: Charlie Brown, you're a block head.
Charlie Brown (eating the now dead indians heart): I'M EATING HIS SOUL!!!!! I'M EATING HIS SAVAGE SOUL!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA!!!!!!
Peppermint Patty: Hey Marcy, while they're slaughtering the indians, and eating their souls, why don't you and me go out in the woods and explore some of these "not-so-veiled" feelings we've been having?
Marcy: Yes, sir.
Now, I'm not saying that that is the way that it SHOULD be. I'm just trying to think of a way to bring it into the 21st century. I want my children to have the same fondness and love, for the Peanuts specials, that I had growing up.
Is that so wrong?
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get back to work on my updated version of "The Grinch," where the Grinch rips off Cindy Lou Who's head, and drinks the still warm blood from her body.
I'm JUST trying to deal with reality, here, folks.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Casey
Friday, November 21, 2008
McDonald's: God's Food
As a parent, I can assure you that one of the biggest problems we face is getting our kids to eat properly. In the case of my son, at least, eating properly means putting the food in your mouth, and NOT your ear. Nothing good can come of that. Though, it is less fattening.
And, speaking of fattening foods, many of us who had children just so that we would have a little friend who wouldn't judge us, and were shocked to find out that we actually had to take care of them, will find solace in this news: McDonald's is now teaching moms about healthy foods.
Isn't that great?
I can hear fat parents, with their morbidly obese little snowflakes, breathing a heavy sigh of relief. Either that, or gasping for air. It's hard to tell with fat people.
Unfortunatley there is a catch.
McDonald's is not REALLY teaching moms about healthy foods. What they are doing is bringing a bunch of moms in, and trying to convince them that McDonald's food is actually VERY healthy.
You betcha!!
Any day, now, Whole Foods is gonna team up with Mickey D's, and start selling Chicken McNuggets in their frozen foods section.......Uh....Don't hold your breath on that one.
Debra DeMuth, McDonald's global nutrition director, has referred to french fries as.....get ready....."probably one of the most victimized foods."
Yep. Of course. Shame on us!! All of us!!! Victimizing the poor, helpless, innocent french fries......dripping in preservatives, and slathered in salt. How could we be such fools? Besides, where else are you gonna get your daily dose of sodium acid pyrophosphate?
Plus, we are told, french fries are also an excellent source of potassium. Of course, you could just eat a banana. But, now I'm just nit picking.
We are also told, and expected to get very excited by the fact that, Egg McMuffin's contain REAL EGGS!!!! Eggs are good, right? Everyone likes eggs. That's healthy, is what that is. Plus, when you slather said eggs with a healthy dose of high fructose corn syrup, it's eating the way God intended it to be.
I've been eating at McDonald's all my life. At this point, with all this helpful information, I'm surprised I've ever even gotten a cold, much less cholesterol levels that would kill the average elephant.
You're probably saying to yourself, "Casey, can the news about all this healthy food at McDonald's POSSIBLY get better?"
Good question.
The answer is, yes. It can, AND DOES.
You see, Miss DeMuth, the health expert from McDonald's, had one more little bombshell to drop on the mother's that came to hear her speech.
It seems that ALL the internet stories are false (which is sad because, if you can't believe what you read on the internet, what CAN you believe.) The fact of the matter is that Chicken McNuggets actually contain......Ready?...........CHICKEN!!!!!!
Now, of course, they also contain sodium phosphates, thiamin mononitrate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, sodium aluminum phosphate, monocalcium phosphate, and sweet, sweet dimethylpolysiloxane.
I know. I'm drooling a little bit myself.
So, parents, take heart. If you want to feed your kids a good, natural, healthy meal with things like potassium, eggs, and real chicken, all you have to do is take them to McDonald's.
They'll weigh 600 pounds, but at least they'll be eating healthy. And isn't that the important thing?
I like to think so.
Casey
And, speaking of fattening foods, many of us who had children just so that we would have a little friend who wouldn't judge us, and were shocked to find out that we actually had to take care of them, will find solace in this news: McDonald's is now teaching moms about healthy foods.
Isn't that great?
I can hear fat parents, with their morbidly obese little snowflakes, breathing a heavy sigh of relief. Either that, or gasping for air. It's hard to tell with fat people.
Unfortunatley there is a catch.
McDonald's is not REALLY teaching moms about healthy foods. What they are doing is bringing a bunch of moms in, and trying to convince them that McDonald's food is actually VERY healthy.
You betcha!!
Any day, now, Whole Foods is gonna team up with Mickey D's, and start selling Chicken McNuggets in their frozen foods section.......Uh....Don't hold your breath on that one.
Debra DeMuth, McDonald's global nutrition director, has referred to french fries as.....get ready....."probably one of the most victimized foods."
Yep. Of course. Shame on us!! All of us!!! Victimizing the poor, helpless, innocent french fries......dripping in preservatives, and slathered in salt. How could we be such fools? Besides, where else are you gonna get your daily dose of sodium acid pyrophosphate?
Plus, we are told, french fries are also an excellent source of potassium. Of course, you could just eat a banana. But, now I'm just nit picking.
We are also told, and expected to get very excited by the fact that, Egg McMuffin's contain REAL EGGS!!!! Eggs are good, right? Everyone likes eggs. That's healthy, is what that is. Plus, when you slather said eggs with a healthy dose of high fructose corn syrup, it's eating the way God intended it to be.
I've been eating at McDonald's all my life. At this point, with all this helpful information, I'm surprised I've ever even gotten a cold, much less cholesterol levels that would kill the average elephant.
You're probably saying to yourself, "Casey, can the news about all this healthy food at McDonald's POSSIBLY get better?"
Good question.
The answer is, yes. It can, AND DOES.
You see, Miss DeMuth, the health expert from McDonald's, had one more little bombshell to drop on the mother's that came to hear her speech.
It seems that ALL the internet stories are false (which is sad because, if you can't believe what you read on the internet, what CAN you believe.) The fact of the matter is that Chicken McNuggets actually contain......Ready?...........CHICKEN!!!!!!
Now, of course, they also contain sodium phosphates, thiamin mononitrate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, sodium aluminum phosphate, monocalcium phosphate, and sweet, sweet dimethylpolysiloxane.
I know. I'm drooling a little bit myself.
So, parents, take heart. If you want to feed your kids a good, natural, healthy meal with things like potassium, eggs, and real chicken, all you have to do is take them to McDonald's.
They'll weigh 600 pounds, but at least they'll be eating healthy. And isn't that the important thing?
I like to think so.
Casey
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm Gonna Put My Trash Can On A Milk Carton
Sometime, possibly in another life, I offended garbage men. Actually, I don't even thing that's the proper term, anymore. Perhaps, "Sanitation Maintenance Engineers" would be more fitting. I dunno.
Anyway, today was trash day in my little slice of suburban hell. So, last night I went outside, placed the lids tightly on my cans (hehe), and rolled them out to the curb. This morning, when I went outside, I found one of my cans (lol) across the street in the neighbor's yard. The lid was in my driveway. The other one of my cans (HA HA!!) was across my yard, with the lid in my next door neighbor's driveway.
This is not, at all, uncommon.
A few weeks ago I forgot to take the kitchen trash out (It's one of my chores.) So, when I heard the trash truck, I ran outside and tried to hand them my trash bag.
Me: Can I give you one more?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: No.
Me: Okay, well....Wait....No?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's gotta be in your can.
Me: Hehe
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...Uh....So, if I put it in my can (snicker), you'll take it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Possibly.
Me: Okay....Uhhhhh....Where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Your can?
Me: HAHA!!!
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...So, where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's two blocks over, that way.
Me: Oh...Uh...Good shot.
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: The wind was with us.
Me: Of course.
So, for whatever reason, they have made a nice little sport of spraying my cans (sorry) all over the place. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. Whatever it was, I didn't mean to. I'm just trying to throw my garbage away. I swear to God.
This also, by the way, extends to the recycle people. I had put some boxes out, two weeks ago, and when I woke up they were gone. I just assumed that they recycle people had taken them away, and made shirts, or something, out of them that former hippies will spend way too much money to buy in "the villiage," or something like that. But, when I went to rake leaves this past weekend, I found my boxes had been thrown on the side of my house. My neighbor suggested that it might have been because I didn't break them down.
Huh?
They were little, tiny, baby boxes. I gotta break those down, TOO!?!!! How come? Correct me if I'm wrong, but when they take them, they immediately place them inside of a giant compactor. Broken down, or not, I think the giant compactor is going to be able to handle the job. If it can't, they need to get their money back. And, even if they DO need to be broken down (and I'm conceeding nothing here), is it okay to hide them from me on the side of my house?
I think not.
Besides, take it from someone who has moved more times than I care to mention, breaking down boxes is a major pain. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a cardboard box? Bloody and painful. Not a pretty sight. They could make horror movies out of that kind of stuff.
But, fine. I can play by the rules. I can break down the boxes. I don't like it, but I'll do it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get my cans (LOL). There was a good wind, and I think they might be in Newark.
Casey
Anyway, today was trash day in my little slice of suburban hell. So, last night I went outside, placed the lids tightly on my cans (hehe), and rolled them out to the curb. This morning, when I went outside, I found one of my cans (lol) across the street in the neighbor's yard. The lid was in my driveway. The other one of my cans (HA HA!!) was across my yard, with the lid in my next door neighbor's driveway.
This is not, at all, uncommon.
A few weeks ago I forgot to take the kitchen trash out (It's one of my chores.) So, when I heard the trash truck, I ran outside and tried to hand them my trash bag.
Me: Can I give you one more?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: No.
Me: Okay, well....Wait....No?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's gotta be in your can.
Me: Hehe
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...Uh....So, if I put it in my can (snicker), you'll take it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Possibly.
Me: Okay....Uhhhhh....Where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Your can?
Me: HAHA!!!
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...So, where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's two blocks over, that way.
Me: Oh...Uh...Good shot.
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: The wind was with us.
Me: Of course.
So, for whatever reason, they have made a nice little sport of spraying my cans (sorry) all over the place. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. Whatever it was, I didn't mean to. I'm just trying to throw my garbage away. I swear to God.
This also, by the way, extends to the recycle people. I had put some boxes out, two weeks ago, and when I woke up they were gone. I just assumed that they recycle people had taken them away, and made shirts, or something, out of them that former hippies will spend way too much money to buy in "the villiage," or something like that. But, when I went to rake leaves this past weekend, I found my boxes had been thrown on the side of my house. My neighbor suggested that it might have been because I didn't break them down.
Huh?
They were little, tiny, baby boxes. I gotta break those down, TOO!?!!! How come? Correct me if I'm wrong, but when they take them, they immediately place them inside of a giant compactor. Broken down, or not, I think the giant compactor is going to be able to handle the job. If it can't, they need to get their money back. And, even if they DO need to be broken down (and I'm conceeding nothing here), is it okay to hide them from me on the side of my house?
I think not.
Besides, take it from someone who has moved more times than I care to mention, breaking down boxes is a major pain. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a cardboard box? Bloody and painful. Not a pretty sight. They could make horror movies out of that kind of stuff.
But, fine. I can play by the rules. I can break down the boxes. I don't like it, but I'll do it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get my cans (LOL). There was a good wind, and I think they might be in Newark.
Casey
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
An Orange By Any Other Name.....
Everybody should vote.
There.
I said it.
Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.
Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.
For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.
You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.
But, I digress.
One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.
Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?
My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?
Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......
My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.
Me: Oh....How about blue?
My Wife: Shut up.
I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."
Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.
So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.
"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"
Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.
Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.
Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.
My Wife: Terracotta.
Me: Terra-whatta?
My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.
Me: Orange?
My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.
Me: You said it was like rust.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Which is orange.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: But, this is NOT orange.
My Wife: No.
Me: It's Terracotta.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: My head hurts.
My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.
Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?
My Wife: We're getting new countertops.
Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?
My Wife: I changed our mind.
Me: You changed OUR mind?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: That's how it works?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?
My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.
Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Man, that's cold.
My Wife: Deal with it.
So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.
The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.
Casey
There.
I said it.
Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.
Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.
For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.
You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.
But, I digress.
One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.
Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?
My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?
Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......
My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.
Me: Oh....How about blue?
My Wife: Shut up.
I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."
Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.
So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.
"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"
Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.
Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.
Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.
My Wife: Terracotta.
Me: Terra-whatta?
My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.
Me: Orange?
My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.
Me: You said it was like rust.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Which is orange.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: But, this is NOT orange.
My Wife: No.
Me: It's Terracotta.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: My head hurts.
My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.
Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?
My Wife: We're getting new countertops.
Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?
My Wife: I changed our mind.
Me: You changed OUR mind?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: That's how it works?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?
My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.
Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Man, that's cold.
My Wife: Deal with it.
So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.
The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.
Casey
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