Here at the U.S. Department Of We-Better-Spend-This-Money-Or-They-Won't-Give-It-To-Us-Again-Next-Year, we have decided to name "The Greatest Decade."
So, with a $400,000,000 grant from Congress, we set out on our mission. It was really quite simple. By a majority vote of 1-0, as I am the only member, the department decided to pick.....MY decade.
Though I was born in 1969, and much too young to remember much about the '70's, I consider the '80's to be MY decade......And it was GREAT!!!!
We had the best TV.
We had the best movies.
We had the best music.
And, we were the first decade since the 1920's, and the last one since, NOT to have a war!!!
We ROCKED!!!!!
Now, I know that there are people out there who would disagree with me. However, those people are wrong and you shouldn't spend any of your time talking to them. In fact, they have probably escaped from some sort of institution. Run.................RUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN.
You wanna talk about music?
Bring it!!!
In the '80's we had:
Duran Duran
Men At Work
Huey Lewis and The News
A-Ha
Debbie Gibson
U2 (It was their best decade)
Kajagoogoo
Men Without Hats
Oingo Boingo
Thomas Dolby
Big Country
The Blow Monkeys
The Go-Go's
The Bangles
Dexy's Midnight Runners
Culture Club
Wham (Laugh if you want. But, you like "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go"......Yes, you do)
Who did the '70's have?
The Hues Corporation?
Gordon Lightfoot?
America?
James Taylor?
The Bee-Gees?
Linda Ronstadt?
Please. I'm dozing off just thinking about it. Even David Soul had a hit record. Was he Starsky or Hutch? I always got those two confused.
Yes, there was good music in the '70's. But, it gets canceled out by the over abundance of crap. I'm an Eagles fan, and I like Led Zeppelin. I just can't get past Gilbert O'Sullivan.
Then, outside of The Beatles, who are the best band EVER, the '60's were awful. I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Casey, what about The Rolling Stones? Aren't they, too, good?"
No. They aren't. It's a common mistake. Don't feel bad.
Then, there's the music of the '90's, which I personally think we should erase all the master tapes of, so that future generations won't know that people actually listened to it. It's embarrassing. I recently heard that the ultimate '90's band was Nirvana. Really? Nirvana? Didn't they only release something like 2 albums? Even those weren't very good.
I'm going to say something, here, that's going to cause a lot of the "'90's People" to cover their ears, and rock back and forth, muttering to themselves. But, it needs to be said. Ready? Okay.......Kurt Cobain was not, I repeat NOT a genius. He was a crazy, drug addict, who lucked into a record deal. Period.
Don't cry.
I'm sorry.
Do you need a moment?
Okay. We'll wait.
.............................
Back now?
Dried those tears?
Good. You'll be okay.
I would put ANYTHING from ANY '80's band, up against ANYTHING written by Kurt Cobain, and I would win. Of course, you do have to consider that I'm the only one on this committee. So, it might be a little slanted. But, still........
How about this? "The Safety Dance" against "Smells Like Teen Spirit."
"The Safety Dance"
"We can dance if we want to. We can leave your friends behind. 'Cuz your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine."
Poetry. Short. Sweet. To the point. Plus, it has a message: "I only want friends who can dance." It is genius in its simplicity.
Now, "Smells Like Teen Spirit"
"Gurgle, nurgle, furgle, boo. Crongo, skiboo, tongoo my head. Frinkle, fronkle, dinkle, skoo-boo, skoo-boo, skoo-boooo"
Huh?
Yeah. That was.....uh....genius. You bet.
In my personal life, I don't acknowledge the '90's, and now you know why.
In future reports we will discuss why the '80's had the best movies, and TV shows.
Also, Friday, "Ask Mr. Answer Guy" returns. Last minute questions should be sent to mranswerguy@gmail.com
Now, if you will excuse me, I have a committee meeting to get to. Your tax dollars at work!!
Casey
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
If More People Hated Their Babies They'd Have More Money
I don't love my new baby.
There.
I said it.
It's out there, now.
He hasn't actually been born, yet. But, this is a small formality that will be remedied on or about June 16th.
Now, I will care for him, and hold him, and feed him, and cuddle him, and all the things that a good daddy is supposed to do. BUT, according to corporate America, I will not actually love my son. This is due to the fact that I am NOT willing to spend $54.00 on something called Dreft. For those of you who don't know Dreft is baby detergent. Not, I repeat NOT, to wash your baby in. Don't make the same mistake I did. You'll never hear the end of it. No, Dreft is for washing your babies clothes. For $54.00 I will be able to wash 96 loads of the boy's clothes. I'm not going to do that. Therefore, I do not love my son. Personally, I think that is unfair. I haven't even MET him, yet. I may very well not like him. But, since we haven't been introduced, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, for now. Odds are against him, though. I don't like most people.
This how the evil, large companies take advantage of first time parents. I know because, when I was a first time parent, I bought into it. Now that I'm a second time parent, I ain't buyin' it.
First time parents are made to feel that, unless they spend hundreds of dollars on useless items, for their new bundles of joy, that they don't love them. So, you end up buying things like Dreft. Don't get me wrong. It's a nice product, that cleans the clothes just fine. It even smells like corporate America thinks a new baby smells like. Truth be told, though, new babies smell like human innards. This is due, mainly, to the fact that they just came out of someone's innards. I believe it's called the "Miracle Of Birth." It doesn't smell like Dreft, though. Just use Tide. You won't love your baby, but you'll save a little money.
First time parents will also spend upwards of $25.00 on a warmer for your baby wipes. This is so that your precious little snowflake will never have to feel the discomfort of a room-temperature wipe on their delicate behinds. In this way, you will prove that you love the little dumpling. You will also create what appears to be a fire hazard. You see because, I too, loved my FIRST baby I went out and bought a warmer for the wipes. What I found is that the last few wipes, in every bunch I put in, got dried out and turned brown. Suddenly, it didn't seem to me that it would be a good idea to put a dried out, paper product into a heating device that was just steps away from my child. But, by all means, if you want to risk it, you go right ahead. I'm the one, after all, who doesn't love my new baby.
I'm only scratching the surface, here. YOU love your baby. So, instead of using the washcloth that you use every day, YOU are going to spend $13.00 for baby washcloths. Aren't you special. I bet you're headed for the "Parenting Hall Of Fame." Wanna know what the difference is? A bug. That's right. A bug. There is a picture of a bug, on your baby's washcloth. YOUR washcloth came in a pack of 10, for $5.00. Same texture, same size, probably the same company. But, no bug. You just spent $8.00 for a bug so that you could wash a kid who can't see the bug, and won't remember the bug in 6 months. But, I ask you, what price is too great for love?
I'll tell you what price is too great for love.....
How about $15.00 for a 25-pack of plastic bags to throw their used diapers away? They are scented, though. Probably like new baby. Which, as we've established, smells like human innards. Which is what baby diapers smell like. So, I ask you, why scent them? Oh, that's right, because YOU love your baby. Now, this is just a thought, and keep in mind that I don't love my baby. But, I just used all the plastic bags I got from the grocery store. Granted, they ARE NOT scented. But, they are free. And, really, how many of you are planning to SMELL the diaper bags AFTER you put the diapers in them? If you are, you need counseling.
Finally, I won't be buying this, but for those of you who will love your children, how about dropping $119.95 for a Retractable Driveway Guard? It's that orange, mesh stuff that people use to keep the leaves in their yard, and it's attached to two white sticks. You put it across the entrance of your driveway in order to keep your kids safe. Now, it WILL NOT stop a car, and WILL NOT stop your children from walking around it. You could also pick up the orange mesh, and a couple of stakes at Home Depot, and build it yourself for about $6.00. I have no idea why it costs $119.95. Maybe it smells like a new baby.
Also, while I was looking at baby clothes, today, I saw a shirt for $24.99......A baby shirt......For $24.99. I can justify paying $24.99 for a shirt for me. I'm as big as I'm going to get. Plus, since I NEVER throw clothes away, I will have the shirt for several years. Probably until it crawls away under its own power. But, for a baby? I don't think so. The kid will grow out of it in 3 months.
Don't feel bad. I did all these stupid things, too, with the first one. They guilt you into thinking that you don't love your kids, if you don't spend $30.00 on shoes, that they have no use for. Babies, as a rule, can't walk. Why buy them shoes?
I'm on my second kid.
Here's what you NEED. Not want, NEED:
Disposable diapers
Wipes (They come in a plastic case...Don't need to heat 'em)
A couple of pacifiers
A couple of bottles
A couple of blankets
Something for the newborn to sleep in (relatives used a plastic tub with a couple of blankets in it)
Food
Some clothes (Go to Target. The stuff is good, and cheap)
There. You're done. Don't stress. People gave birth when they lived in caves, and had no place to plug in the warmer for their wipes. Somehow we, as a species, survived. Your kid will, too.
Now, if more people hated their babies, like me, we would all be doing a lot better financially. I'm pretty sure the kids would survive, too.
P.S. Mr. Answer Guy is coming back, this week. Get your questions in at mranswerguy@gmail.com
Casey
There.
I said it.
It's out there, now.
He hasn't actually been born, yet. But, this is a small formality that will be remedied on or about June 16th.
Now, I will care for him, and hold him, and feed him, and cuddle him, and all the things that a good daddy is supposed to do. BUT, according to corporate America, I will not actually love my son. This is due to the fact that I am NOT willing to spend $54.00 on something called Dreft. For those of you who don't know Dreft is baby detergent. Not, I repeat NOT, to wash your baby in. Don't make the same mistake I did. You'll never hear the end of it. No, Dreft is for washing your babies clothes. For $54.00 I will be able to wash 96 loads of the boy's clothes. I'm not going to do that. Therefore, I do not love my son. Personally, I think that is unfair. I haven't even MET him, yet. I may very well not like him. But, since we haven't been introduced, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, for now. Odds are against him, though. I don't like most people.
This how the evil, large companies take advantage of first time parents. I know because, when I was a first time parent, I bought into it. Now that I'm a second time parent, I ain't buyin' it.
First time parents are made to feel that, unless they spend hundreds of dollars on useless items, for their new bundles of joy, that they don't love them. So, you end up buying things like Dreft. Don't get me wrong. It's a nice product, that cleans the clothes just fine. It even smells like corporate America thinks a new baby smells like. Truth be told, though, new babies smell like human innards. This is due, mainly, to the fact that they just came out of someone's innards. I believe it's called the "Miracle Of Birth." It doesn't smell like Dreft, though. Just use Tide. You won't love your baby, but you'll save a little money.
First time parents will also spend upwards of $25.00 on a warmer for your baby wipes. This is so that your precious little snowflake will never have to feel the discomfort of a room-temperature wipe on their delicate behinds. In this way, you will prove that you love the little dumpling. You will also create what appears to be a fire hazard. You see because, I too, loved my FIRST baby I went out and bought a warmer for the wipes. What I found is that the last few wipes, in every bunch I put in, got dried out and turned brown. Suddenly, it didn't seem to me that it would be a good idea to put a dried out, paper product into a heating device that was just steps away from my child. But, by all means, if you want to risk it, you go right ahead. I'm the one, after all, who doesn't love my new baby.
I'm only scratching the surface, here. YOU love your baby. So, instead of using the washcloth that you use every day, YOU are going to spend $13.00 for baby washcloths. Aren't you special. I bet you're headed for the "Parenting Hall Of Fame." Wanna know what the difference is? A bug. That's right. A bug. There is a picture of a bug, on your baby's washcloth. YOUR washcloth came in a pack of 10, for $5.00. Same texture, same size, probably the same company. But, no bug. You just spent $8.00 for a bug so that you could wash a kid who can't see the bug, and won't remember the bug in 6 months. But, I ask you, what price is too great for love?
I'll tell you what price is too great for love.....
How about $15.00 for a 25-pack of plastic bags to throw their used diapers away? They are scented, though. Probably like new baby. Which, as we've established, smells like human innards. Which is what baby diapers smell like. So, I ask you, why scent them? Oh, that's right, because YOU love your baby. Now, this is just a thought, and keep in mind that I don't love my baby. But, I just used all the plastic bags I got from the grocery store. Granted, they ARE NOT scented. But, they are free. And, really, how many of you are planning to SMELL the diaper bags AFTER you put the diapers in them? If you are, you need counseling.
Finally, I won't be buying this, but for those of you who will love your children, how about dropping $119.95 for a Retractable Driveway Guard? It's that orange, mesh stuff that people use to keep the leaves in their yard, and it's attached to two white sticks. You put it across the entrance of your driveway in order to keep your kids safe. Now, it WILL NOT stop a car, and WILL NOT stop your children from walking around it. You could also pick up the orange mesh, and a couple of stakes at Home Depot, and build it yourself for about $6.00. I have no idea why it costs $119.95. Maybe it smells like a new baby.
Also, while I was looking at baby clothes, today, I saw a shirt for $24.99......A baby shirt......For $24.99. I can justify paying $24.99 for a shirt for me. I'm as big as I'm going to get. Plus, since I NEVER throw clothes away, I will have the shirt for several years. Probably until it crawls away under its own power. But, for a baby? I don't think so. The kid will grow out of it in 3 months.
Don't feel bad. I did all these stupid things, too, with the first one. They guilt you into thinking that you don't love your kids, if you don't spend $30.00 on shoes, that they have no use for. Babies, as a rule, can't walk. Why buy them shoes?
I'm on my second kid.
Here's what you NEED. Not want, NEED:
Disposable diapers
Wipes (They come in a plastic case...Don't need to heat 'em)
A couple of pacifiers
A couple of bottles
A couple of blankets
Something for the newborn to sleep in (relatives used a plastic tub with a couple of blankets in it)
Food
Some clothes (Go to Target. The stuff is good, and cheap)
There. You're done. Don't stress. People gave birth when they lived in caves, and had no place to plug in the warmer for their wipes. Somehow we, as a species, survived. Your kid will, too.
Now, if more people hated their babies, like me, we would all be doing a lot better financially. I'm pretty sure the kids would survive, too.
P.S. Mr. Answer Guy is coming back, this week. Get your questions in at mranswerguy@gmail.com
Casey
Thursday, April 24, 2008
My Mother-In-Law Is Staying With Me....Life Is A Pretty Sweet Fruit, huh?
GADS!!!!!
I have not blogged much, this week. This was not intentional, as I have a wealth of worthless, warped information that I would like to spread.
BUT.....
I have been looking for houses in South Jersey. It seems that there are one or two neighborhoods that have indoor plumbing, heat, and some of those fancy, non-candle, lighting fixtures. The problem is that, when they say South Jersey, they REEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYY mean it. It's far away. Many of the places I have looked at have been so far South that they have been North.
On top of this, since my wife hates me and doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me, my mother-in-law is in town to....uh.....HELP me look at houses. Now, saying this makes one think that I only have one good eye, or I lack the basic ability to actually LOOK at a house.......In actuality BOTH are true. In fact, I have TWO bad eyes (the glasses are not just a fashion statement), and I am not very good at looking at houses.........Also, my wife thinks I'm dumb. So, she sent her mother to look at houses with me.
All this really means that I have to behave myself, and I get to sleep on my futon. I know that there are people who manage to sleep very comfortably on futons. Most of these people are stupid, drunk, passed out college students, who either don't know any better or don't have enough money to buy a decent bed. I'm a 38 year old man. When I bought MY futon I was niether drunk, nor passed out. I was just stupid. Also, that old wives tale about "getting what you pay for" turns out to be true. You CAN pay as much as $1,000 for a futon.......I paid $67, and this included the mattress pad. Who needs a spine, anyway, right? You only live once.
So, my mother-in-law is in town, I have to go to Hell (South Jersey), and back every day, AND I have to behave myself at home.
The regular blogs will be back in a couple of days. I have to get off the computer, now. If I spend to much time online, my mother-in-laws stares at me like I'm looking at porn, or something. And, trust me, I will do JUST THAT as soon as she goes home.
Thank you for your patience.
Casey
I have not blogged much, this week. This was not intentional, as I have a wealth of worthless, warped information that I would like to spread.
BUT.....
I have been looking for houses in South Jersey. It seems that there are one or two neighborhoods that have indoor plumbing, heat, and some of those fancy, non-candle, lighting fixtures. The problem is that, when they say South Jersey, they REEEEAAAAAALLLLLLLYYYYYY mean it. It's far away. Many of the places I have looked at have been so far South that they have been North.
On top of this, since my wife hates me and doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me, my mother-in-law is in town to....uh.....HELP me look at houses. Now, saying this makes one think that I only have one good eye, or I lack the basic ability to actually LOOK at a house.......In actuality BOTH are true. In fact, I have TWO bad eyes (the glasses are not just a fashion statement), and I am not very good at looking at houses.........Also, my wife thinks I'm dumb. So, she sent her mother to look at houses with me.
All this really means that I have to behave myself, and I get to sleep on my futon. I know that there are people who manage to sleep very comfortably on futons. Most of these people are stupid, drunk, passed out college students, who either don't know any better or don't have enough money to buy a decent bed. I'm a 38 year old man. When I bought MY futon I was niether drunk, nor passed out. I was just stupid. Also, that old wives tale about "getting what you pay for" turns out to be true. You CAN pay as much as $1,000 for a futon.......I paid $67, and this included the mattress pad. Who needs a spine, anyway, right? You only live once.
So, my mother-in-law is in town, I have to go to Hell (South Jersey), and back every day, AND I have to behave myself at home.
The regular blogs will be back in a couple of days. I have to get off the computer, now. If I spend to much time online, my mother-in-laws stares at me like I'm looking at porn, or something. And, trust me, I will do JUST THAT as soon as she goes home.
Thank you for your patience.
Casey
Sunday, April 20, 2008
I'M CASEY, AND I APPROVED THIS MESSAGE....
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
You know, a lot of things have come out in this campaign. Not all of it positive. Some of it down right negative. I don't know why we don't just talk about the issues. I mean, sure, we could sit here all day long and argue about whether or not I was shot at in Bosnia. I wasn't. I would like to keep saying that I was. But, there's videotape. Since there's videotape, I have to tell the truth. Granted, I don't like to tell the truth. I'm not good at it. I've been telling lies so long, though, that it's hard to tell where the real world ends, and my fantasy world begins. Thank GOD for that videotape, though. It proves that I was lying. I think it's time to move on from that, though, because the American people care more about the issues than they do about me telling lies.
And, speaking of videotape, have you, the voter, realized that there is no videotape of Barack Obama NOT drowning any kittens? I mean, sure, there's lots of video of him doing lots of different things. But, for reasons that only he knows, there is not ONE SINGLE FRAME of video where he is SPECIFICALLY not drowning kittens. Conversely, I have posted several photos of myself NOT drowning kittens on my website. So you, the voter, have to ask yourself one simple question: What is Senator Obama trying to hide?
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
Senator Clinton is at it again. Questioning my love of animals, while she continues to hide from the issues that people really care about. While I don't wish to take valuable time away from you, the voter, I will say just one thing. Several different animals are delicacies, in several different parts of the world. Until you, the voter, take the responsibility of having your pet spayed or neutered, I think we all have to live with the consequences of what can happen to these sweet, cute, often tasty animals........And, by YOU, the voter, I don't mean you......I mean OTHER voters that you probably don't even know. YOU, the voter, are perfect, and I love you. It's the other, irresponsible voters that I was talking about. YOU, the voter, care about the issues.....
Speaking of that.....
Do you think there is something that Senator Clinton is trying to hide? I've released my medical records. Why won't she release hers? A lot of information that would be important to you, the voter, is contained in these records. For instance, and this is just off the top of my head, MY medical records clearly show that I have a penis. I'm proud of it. I take it with me wherever I go. That's just one issue that appears on MY medical records. Is there some...uh....ISSUE there, that Senator Clinton doesn't want us to know? Could there possibly be some ISSUE that would be very clear on Senator Clinton's records that might, shall we say, shock us? Oh, I'm wondering if there isn't some.....ISSUE....on Senator Clinton's medical records that maybe we wouldn't expect to find? Some....ISSUE...that we wouldn't expect to see on the first WOMAN with a real shot at becoming president? And, do you wonder why she wears those ugly scarves all the time? Why I bet that, I don't know.....ADAM....would be willing to bite an.....APPLE....to get the answer to that one........But, again, it's really about the issues that you, the voter, care about. I wish Senator Clinton could see that.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
Well, Barack Obama is at it again. I've said time and time again that I will be happy to release my medical records. All that we're waiting for is my team of 50 lawyers to go through them with a black sharpie, and take out all the things that could be a threat to national security. You'd be amazed at the lengths that members of terrorist organizations would go to in order to find out what's in my boxers......I MEAN PANTIES!!!! Uh.....My sexy, silky, Victoria's Secret brand panties. That's it. I buy 'em by the truckload. Bikinis, thongs, French cut. The whole not yards. And bras, also.....I wear those, too. Can't get enough of them.
But, Barack, why do you hate black people? You never talk about being black. I've never heard you mention that you, or your wife and children are black. Do you not want to be thought of as black? Are you ashamed of being black? My staff has been going over videotape, and you refuse to acknowledge being black. It makes one wonder what kind of president you would be, if you can't even come to grips with your own race. Bill and I love black people. While we were in the White House, we held several photo-ops with black people, whose names I don't recall. While we don't have any black friends, we're looking to hire some for the campaign. The voters want a president that will be for ALL of America. Not just you and your white friends. Those are the issues the voters care about. I want to be the SECOND black president, after my husband.....Who also wasn't black....But, I'm running on his record. So, you know.....
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
Acknowledge that I'm black?
Are you mental?
Just freaking look at me!!!! I'm black!!! I didn't know that you were so dense, that I would have to point that out!!!
That makes about as much sense as YOU saying that YOU'RE the candidate for change, after being in government for 35 years......HA!!!! That's a laugh!!!
Hey, here's an idea, why don't you throw your hot daughter out on the campaign trail, a little more, huh? She won't answer any questions, but she looks good in a skirt, doesn't she Hillary?
It's a good thing that the voters only care about the issues, 'cuz you're coming off like an uptight, boob!!!
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
Gee, BARRY, I didn't even think you were listening to me!!! I didn't think you could hear me over those rock-star-style rallies that you throw. But, then again, with those ENORMOUS FREAKING EARS, I'll bet there isn't much that you DON'T hear, huh?
Luckily, I'M talking about the issues. I'm the working man's candidate.....And, quit looking at my daughter!!
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
WORKING MAN'S CANDIDATE!?!!! You can't be serious. Tell me, Hillary, how many working people do you know who cleared $109 million over the last 3 years? Sure thing. You bet. I'll let you get back to clipping those coupons, now.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
Nice, BARRY......Real nice. Make fun of me because I've been able to use my political position for financial gain. Funny how you leave out the REAL issue that the voters care about. The fact that Bill and I donated a full $650 to charity. Noooooooooooooooo......You want to avoid the issues, don't you?
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
You are nothing more than an opportunistic street whore.......who doesn't care about the issues.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
And, you're an uppity dweeb, with big ears........WHO RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!........uh......and, doesn't care about the issues.....also.
We're the VOTERS, and we approved this message:
We wish a large, heavy object would fall on both of you.
Casey
You know, a lot of things have come out in this campaign. Not all of it positive. Some of it down right negative. I don't know why we don't just talk about the issues. I mean, sure, we could sit here all day long and argue about whether or not I was shot at in Bosnia. I wasn't. I would like to keep saying that I was. But, there's videotape. Since there's videotape, I have to tell the truth. Granted, I don't like to tell the truth. I'm not good at it. I've been telling lies so long, though, that it's hard to tell where the real world ends, and my fantasy world begins. Thank GOD for that videotape, though. It proves that I was lying. I think it's time to move on from that, though, because the American people care more about the issues than they do about me telling lies.
And, speaking of videotape, have you, the voter, realized that there is no videotape of Barack Obama NOT drowning any kittens? I mean, sure, there's lots of video of him doing lots of different things. But, for reasons that only he knows, there is not ONE SINGLE FRAME of video where he is SPECIFICALLY not drowning kittens. Conversely, I have posted several photos of myself NOT drowning kittens on my website. So you, the voter, have to ask yourself one simple question: What is Senator Obama trying to hide?
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
Senator Clinton is at it again. Questioning my love of animals, while she continues to hide from the issues that people really care about. While I don't wish to take valuable time away from you, the voter, I will say just one thing. Several different animals are delicacies, in several different parts of the world. Until you, the voter, take the responsibility of having your pet spayed or neutered, I think we all have to live with the consequences of what can happen to these sweet, cute, often tasty animals........And, by YOU, the voter, I don't mean you......I mean OTHER voters that you probably don't even know. YOU, the voter, are perfect, and I love you. It's the other, irresponsible voters that I was talking about. YOU, the voter, care about the issues.....
Speaking of that.....
Do you think there is something that Senator Clinton is trying to hide? I've released my medical records. Why won't she release hers? A lot of information that would be important to you, the voter, is contained in these records. For instance, and this is just off the top of my head, MY medical records clearly show that I have a penis. I'm proud of it. I take it with me wherever I go. That's just one issue that appears on MY medical records. Is there some...uh....ISSUE there, that Senator Clinton doesn't want us to know? Could there possibly be some ISSUE that would be very clear on Senator Clinton's records that might, shall we say, shock us? Oh, I'm wondering if there isn't some.....ISSUE....on Senator Clinton's medical records that maybe we wouldn't expect to find? Some....ISSUE...that we wouldn't expect to see on the first WOMAN with a real shot at becoming president? And, do you wonder why she wears those ugly scarves all the time? Why I bet that, I don't know.....ADAM....would be willing to bite an.....APPLE....to get the answer to that one........But, again, it's really about the issues that you, the voter, care about. I wish Senator Clinton could see that.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
Well, Barack Obama is at it again. I've said time and time again that I will be happy to release my medical records. All that we're waiting for is my team of 50 lawyers to go through them with a black sharpie, and take out all the things that could be a threat to national security. You'd be amazed at the lengths that members of terrorist organizations would go to in order to find out what's in my boxers......I MEAN PANTIES!!!! Uh.....My sexy, silky, Victoria's Secret brand panties. That's it. I buy 'em by the truckload. Bikinis, thongs, French cut. The whole not yards. And bras, also.....I wear those, too. Can't get enough of them.
But, Barack, why do you hate black people? You never talk about being black. I've never heard you mention that you, or your wife and children are black. Do you not want to be thought of as black? Are you ashamed of being black? My staff has been going over videotape, and you refuse to acknowledge being black. It makes one wonder what kind of president you would be, if you can't even come to grips with your own race. Bill and I love black people. While we were in the White House, we held several photo-ops with black people, whose names I don't recall. While we don't have any black friends, we're looking to hire some for the campaign. The voters want a president that will be for ALL of America. Not just you and your white friends. Those are the issues the voters care about. I want to be the SECOND black president, after my husband.....Who also wasn't black....But, I'm running on his record. So, you know.....
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
Acknowledge that I'm black?
Are you mental?
Just freaking look at me!!!! I'm black!!! I didn't know that you were so dense, that I would have to point that out!!!
That makes about as much sense as YOU saying that YOU'RE the candidate for change, after being in government for 35 years......HA!!!! That's a laugh!!!
Hey, here's an idea, why don't you throw your hot daughter out on the campaign trail, a little more, huh? She won't answer any questions, but she looks good in a skirt, doesn't she Hillary?
It's a good thing that the voters only care about the issues, 'cuz you're coming off like an uptight, boob!!!
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
Gee, BARRY, I didn't even think you were listening to me!!! I didn't think you could hear me over those rock-star-style rallies that you throw. But, then again, with those ENORMOUS FREAKING EARS, I'll bet there isn't much that you DON'T hear, huh?
Luckily, I'M talking about the issues. I'm the working man's candidate.....And, quit looking at my daughter!!
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
WORKING MAN'S CANDIDATE!?!!! You can't be serious. Tell me, Hillary, how many working people do you know who cleared $109 million over the last 3 years? Sure thing. You bet. I'll let you get back to clipping those coupons, now.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
Nice, BARRY......Real nice. Make fun of me because I've been able to use my political position for financial gain. Funny how you leave out the REAL issue that the voters care about. The fact that Bill and I donated a full $650 to charity. Noooooooooooooooo......You want to avoid the issues, don't you?
I'm Barack Obama, and I approved this message:
You are nothing more than an opportunistic street whore.......who doesn't care about the issues.
I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approved this message:
And, you're an uppity dweeb, with big ears........WHO RUINED EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!........uh......and, doesn't care about the issues.....also.
We're the VOTERS, and we approved this message:
We wish a large, heavy object would fall on both of you.
Casey
Friday, April 18, 2008
I'm Looking For Sarah Conner.....
I haven't been able to blog much, this week, because I've been having computer issues. You see, I'm one of those people who computers hate and, as near as I can tell, want to destroy. I'm sure I can hear my lap top trying to pull itself away from the wall, at night, to come into my room and kill me. That's why I sleep with my door closed.
It didn't start out this way. I thought that I was going to be a master of computers. Everyone did. We had an Atari 2600, and NOBODY could handle that bad boy, like me!! When it came to Pitfall, River Raid, Frogger, Megamania, Zaxxon, and Missile Command, I was the king.
Then, something went terribly wrong.
Computers stopped being just video games. They started attaching typewriter thingys to them. Then, people started saying odd things like, "DOS," or "C prompt," or "cursor." When this happened I became frightened. Are these people speaking english? I would think.
So, I did what I normally do in pressure situations. I closed my eyes, assumed the fetal position, and wished for the "bad machines" to go away.........They didn't..........In fact, they got smarter. Smarter than me, and almost everyone else. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! You can't blame me. I was on the floor, with my eyes closed.
Fast forward to today.............
Now, and I am not kidding, computers will stop working if I touch them. If it happens once, you can ignore it. Twice, and it's still not a big deal. But, with me, it is a fairly common occurrence. In fact, it's not at all unusual for me to sit down in front of a perfectly good computer, put my hands on the keyboard, and have it freeze up. Then, nothing works. Zip. Nadda. Zilch. I go from having a perfectly good computer, that is my window to the cyber space world, to having lifeless piece of decoration suitable for any movie set. It may as well be made out of cardboard.
So, I do the only problem solving method that I know, on a computer. Control/Alt/Delete. That is, more or less, the extent of my computer knowledge. Sometimes, when I was single, I would throw that out to try and impress women!!
Woman: So, I was defragging my central DOS system, with a 325 megahertz, plutonium based, micro drive, when a status system 12, base error popped up, and I knew that I was going to have to go back and re-calibrate my external ethernet port, with a spare USB google-gig key that I bought from a hacker on ebay...HA HA HA!!!! Can you believe that? What a day!!
Me: Uh....Did you try control/alt/delete.
Woman: (staring at me)
Me: (trying to look smart)
Woman: Go away.
When the geeks shun you, it's okay. When the geek WOMEN shun you, you know it's a bad day.
So, I've been existing off of this 8 year old laptop since I got to New Jersey. My wife and I have a desktop. It's in Missouri. With her. Figures. So, I'm stuck with what I believe might actually be the VERY FIRST laptop!!! It's big, it's bulky, it's hard to get around if I have to travel with it. And now it's developed some kind of an attitude.
It's telling me that it has no memory left.
Then, it tells me that I need to delete some things in order to free up some memory.
THEN, it tells me that I don't have enough memory left to delete any of my memory.
Huh?
So, it human terms, my computer is basically telling me that it can't remember enough to forget.
Does that make ANY sense to ANYONE?
Why is this a problem?
Why can't I just click delete, and make the bad things go away? Won't this allow my computer to do what it's supposed to do? Won't this make my computer happy? Isn't a happy computer a good thing? WOULD IT RATHER BE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW, AND CRUSED BY THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC!?! HUH!?! I KNOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!
So, I went to the computer store and asked some guy with glasses, and lots of acne, how I could get my computer to let me do EXACTLY what it was telling me to do.
Me: My computer is telling me it doesn't have any memory left, but it won't let me delete anything in order to free up some memory. What do I do?
Computer Nerd: That's pretty bad. How old is your computer?
Me: It was the one Noah had on the ark. What do I need to do to free up some memory?
Computer Nerd: Have you thought about buying a new one?
Me: No. What do I need to do to free up some memory?
Computer Nerd: We've got a base, floor model that I can sell you for $500.
Me: No thank you. What do I need to do to free up some memory?
Computer Nerd: You aren't gonna find a better price anywhere else. I'll throw in a wireless mouse.
Me: No thank you...WHAT....DO....I....NEED...TO...DO....TO....FREE...UP...SOME..MEMORY!?!
COMPUTER NERD: You want to free up some memory?
Me: (pretending to shoot myself in the head)
Computer Nerd: Have you tried de-fragging it?
Me: De-whating?
Computer Nerd: De-fragging.
Me: Uh....I don't think I ever fragged it. Why would I need to DE-frag it?
Computer Nerd: HA-HA!!!! You don't know how to de-frag your computer?
Me: NO!!! I don't. Have you EVER touched a female breast, funny guy!?!!
Computer Nerd: (looking down) Uh.....well.....I was breast fed.
Me: (gently putting my hand on his shoulder) It's not the same, Sparky. Remember how excited you were when Windows 95 came out?
Computer Nerd: (sniffling) Uh-huh.....
Me: It is SO much better.
So, now I have what amounts to a glorified night light in my living room. Every so often it will let me do something. Then, I swear to GOD I can hear it laugh, and it tells me that I have no memory left, and the computer won't function properly......Then, it tells me that I need to clear some memory......Then, it tells me that I don't have enough memory to clear any memory.....Then, I close my eyes, assume the fetal position, and cry softly to myself.
I wonder whatever happened to my 2600............
Casey
It didn't start out this way. I thought that I was going to be a master of computers. Everyone did. We had an Atari 2600, and NOBODY could handle that bad boy, like me!! When it came to Pitfall, River Raid, Frogger, Megamania, Zaxxon, and Missile Command, I was the king.
Then, something went terribly wrong.
Computers stopped being just video games. They started attaching typewriter thingys to them. Then, people started saying odd things like, "DOS," or "C prompt," or "cursor." When this happened I became frightened. Are these people speaking english? I would think.
So, I did what I normally do in pressure situations. I closed my eyes, assumed the fetal position, and wished for the "bad machines" to go away.........They didn't..........In fact, they got smarter. Smarter than me, and almost everyone else. AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! You can't blame me. I was on the floor, with my eyes closed.
Fast forward to today.............
Now, and I am not kidding, computers will stop working if I touch them. If it happens once, you can ignore it. Twice, and it's still not a big deal. But, with me, it is a fairly common occurrence. In fact, it's not at all unusual for me to sit down in front of a perfectly good computer, put my hands on the keyboard, and have it freeze up. Then, nothing works. Zip. Nadda. Zilch. I go from having a perfectly good computer, that is my window to the cyber space world, to having lifeless piece of decoration suitable for any movie set. It may as well be made out of cardboard.
So, I do the only problem solving method that I know, on a computer. Control/Alt/Delete. That is, more or less, the extent of my computer knowledge. Sometimes, when I was single, I would throw that out to try and impress women!!
Woman: So, I was defragging my central DOS system, with a 325 megahertz, plutonium based, micro drive, when a status system 12, base error popped up, and I knew that I was going to have to go back and re-calibrate my external ethernet port, with a spare USB google-gig key that I bought from a hacker on ebay...HA HA HA!!!! Can you believe that? What a day!!
Me: Uh....Did you try control/alt/delete.
Woman: (staring at me)
Me: (trying to look smart)
Woman: Go away.
When the geeks shun you, it's okay. When the geek WOMEN shun you, you know it's a bad day.
So, I've been existing off of this 8 year old laptop since I got to New Jersey. My wife and I have a desktop. It's in Missouri. With her. Figures. So, I'm stuck with what I believe might actually be the VERY FIRST laptop!!! It's big, it's bulky, it's hard to get around if I have to travel with it. And now it's developed some kind of an attitude.
It's telling me that it has no memory left.
Then, it tells me that I need to delete some things in order to free up some memory.
THEN, it tells me that I don't have enough memory left to delete any of my memory.
Huh?
So, it human terms, my computer is basically telling me that it can't remember enough to forget.
Does that make ANY sense to ANYONE?
Why is this a problem?
Why can't I just click delete, and make the bad things go away? Won't this allow my computer to do what it's supposed to do? Won't this make my computer happy? Isn't a happy computer a good thing? WOULD IT RATHER BE THROWN OUT THE WINDOW, AND CRUSED BY THE ONCOMING TRAFFIC!?! HUH!?! I KNOW THAT WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY!!!!!!
So, I went to the computer store and asked some guy with glasses, and lots of acne, how I could get my computer to let me do EXACTLY what it was telling me to do.
Me: My computer is telling me it doesn't have any memory left, but it won't let me delete anything in order to free up some memory. What do I do?
Computer Nerd: That's pretty bad. How old is your computer?
Me: It was the one Noah had on the ark. What do I need to do to free up some memory?
Computer Nerd: Have you thought about buying a new one?
Me: No. What do I need to do to free up some memory?
Computer Nerd: We've got a base, floor model that I can sell you for $500.
Me: No thank you. What do I need to do to free up some memory?
Computer Nerd: You aren't gonna find a better price anywhere else. I'll throw in a wireless mouse.
Me: No thank you...WHAT....DO....I....NEED...TO...DO....TO....FREE...UP...SOME..MEMORY!?!
COMPUTER NERD: You want to free up some memory?
Me: (pretending to shoot myself in the head)
Computer Nerd: Have you tried de-fragging it?
Me: De-whating?
Computer Nerd: De-fragging.
Me: Uh....I don't think I ever fragged it. Why would I need to DE-frag it?
Computer Nerd: HA-HA!!!! You don't know how to de-frag your computer?
Me: NO!!! I don't. Have you EVER touched a female breast, funny guy!?!!
Computer Nerd: (looking down) Uh.....well.....I was breast fed.
Me: (gently putting my hand on his shoulder) It's not the same, Sparky. Remember how excited you were when Windows 95 came out?
Computer Nerd: (sniffling) Uh-huh.....
Me: It is SO much better.
So, now I have what amounts to a glorified night light in my living room. Every so often it will let me do something. Then, I swear to GOD I can hear it laugh, and it tells me that I have no memory left, and the computer won't function properly......Then, it tells me that I need to clear some memory......Then, it tells me that I don't have enough memory to clear any memory.....Then, I close my eyes, assume the fetal position, and cry softly to myself.
I wonder whatever happened to my 2600............
Casey
Monday, April 14, 2008
Hi, I'm Your New Neighbor......Leatherface
My wife was in town, this past weekend, so that we can look at houses. If you remember previous blogs, you will recall that it is my wife who actually LOOKS at the houses. Since my opinion doesn't matter, I sit in the back of the car, and try to go to my "happy place."
This simple act, by the way, PROVES that my wife doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me. She's almost 8 months pregnant, and she's getting on a plane to look at houses.
Can't I look at houses?
No......Moron.....I CAN'T look at houses.......I do it wrong.
What's that?
You didn't KNOW there was a wrong way to look at houses?
Me either.
Welcome to my private Hell.
The last time I looked at houses was in South Carolina. I looked at lots, and lots, and lots of houses. But, since I could never do it right, it took a long time.
My Wife: Did you look at the house on Chestnut?
Me: I think so.
My Wife: You THINK so?
Me: Well....I....Uh.....
My Wife: It's a white house, with black shutters.
Me: I think I looked at a white one.....
My Wife: What color was the carpet?
Me: Carpet? I.....Uh.....I....I don't think I looked down.
My Wife: You DIDN'T look down?
Me: Well, no. I just....kind of....walked.....I....sort of looked.....you know....straight ahead....
My Wife: (sighs).....What about the counter tops?
Me: OH!! They had those!!! I did, in fact, see counter tops!!!
My Wife: What color were they?
Me: Color?
My Wife: Yes....What COLOR were the counter tops!?!!
Me: Color?....Uh.....What color?......Uhhhh....I think they were a......light....ish.......hue......
My Wife: A light-ISH hue?
Me: (pleased with myself) Yeah!! That's it!!
My Wife: I REALLY need to hang up the phone, right now.
Me: Okay. Love you. Bye.
My Wife: You are the biggest, knuckle-dragging, bonehead I have ever met.
Me: Uh....I'm still here.....You didn't hang up the phone.
My Wife: I KNOW!!!
So, my wife came to town, and threw me in a car, with a realtor, to look at houses. The fact that I have survived long enough to write this, should tell you that it went........just okay.
Because the price of houses, in New Jersey, is still outrageous we had to look in South Jersey. It's still FAIRLY affordable there, and you don't have all those pesky annoyances like grocery stores, and shopping malls. I didn't care for this. I didn't want to wake up and find "critters," or "varmints" in my living room. You see, I grew up in Orange County, California. The houses on either side of me were about 10 feet away. Plus, and this is just a small thing, but it didn't take me 45 minutes to get to the closest place to buy food!!! I like food, and I don't care to eat the stuff that some car has hit, and left laying on the side of the road.
When we got to the first house my wife, of course, loved it. "Look at all the trees!!!" she would say. Plus, she liked the fact that none of the neighbors were within shouting distance. "You know why they do that, don't you?" I asked her, "So that no one can hear you scream when they come over, kill you, and make a 'PERSON SUIT' out of your flesh!!"
The first house was so rural that it was actually IN a forest. I'm almost 99% certain that it was between the homes of Leatherface, and The Blair Witch. Since I didn't WANT to be murdered in my own home, I quickly passed on this house.
The next one was a little closer to civilization. I could see the other houses. It probably would have been better if I hadn't been able to. There were two houses across the street. At one, they seemed to be blasting some sort of death metal/country fusion that I had never heard before. As near as I could tell, the gentleman singing the song had been.....how do I put this......"done wrong" by his girl. In the country portion of the song, his heart was broken, and he was feeling down.....Then, when the death metal portion kicked in, he was going to take her, chop her to pieces, and feed her to his pit bull, BEFORE he took his own life, because he would feel so bad......It was a real tear jerker.........Look for it at Grammy time.
In the other house, which had a replica, Harley Davidson motorcycle mailbox, they appeared to be revving their ATV's, and dirt bikes. Not riding. Just revving. I don't have a motorcycle, or an ATV. I have a minivan. Us minivan drivers don't ever seem to feel the need to sit outside our homes and rev our minivans. It doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Yet, when some people purchase a motorcycle, or an ATV, they seem to feel the need to announce this to the world. They do this by sitting outside, sometimes for hours at a time, and rev, and rev, and rev, until it runs out of gas or the engine explodes. Whichever comes first. I don't know if this is some sort of battle cry, or mating call, or anything like that. But, anyone who has lived near someone with some kind of motor bike, has heard them sit there and rev it all day long. I'm sure there's a reason. Plus, I'm sure that the people who are trying to sell their house REALLY appreciate it. So, we moved on.
We were also able to see a really nice house, that was a little less rural......I thought. When we were going in through the door we heard a rooster. A freaking ROOSTER!!! Why do you need a rooster, in a residential neighborhood? What purpose do they serve? On the farm? Yes. Roosters. I get it. It's a farm, and you need both male and female chickens. I'm good with that. But, in a residential area? Are they Amish? Do they NOT believe in alarm clocks? Maybe they've never seen them. Imagine the shock. They've even got REALLY fancy ones, now, that will play music to wake you up. Either way, it is 2008. You don't need a freaking ROOSTER!!!!
The house was a gem, too. 4 bedrooms, nice backyard, two-car garage......There was one MINOR problem with that, though. You see, there were two garage doors, and the house was billed as having a two-car garage. It all seems okay, at this point, right? I thought so, too. But, when we went in, there was no garage. They had two garage doors, and said it had a garage, but there was no garage. You see, instead of finishing their basement, which they didn't, they decided to turn their garage into a big room, but leave the doors up. Because, you know, NOTHING says class like a nice family room, with two, big, garage doors in it. When I asked the owner why they didn't finish the basement, instead, he got an odd look on his face. "Yeah," he said, "I guess we could have done that." Priceless.
And, that's how it went. We did see some good houses, too. Or, at least, what I thought were good houses. Some even had INDOOR PLUMBING!!!!! But, since my wife values the opinion of rocks, more than she values mine, we aren't getting any of those. It is also, for that reason, that she is planning to fly out again, when she's even MORE pregnant. You see, giving birth in the exit row is far more appealing than letting your doofus husband pick the house.......He doesn't even look DOWN!!!!
Casey
This simple act, by the way, PROVES that my wife doesn't trust me as far as she can throw me. She's almost 8 months pregnant, and she's getting on a plane to look at houses.
Can't I look at houses?
No......Moron.....I CAN'T look at houses.......I do it wrong.
What's that?
You didn't KNOW there was a wrong way to look at houses?
Me either.
Welcome to my private Hell.
The last time I looked at houses was in South Carolina. I looked at lots, and lots, and lots of houses. But, since I could never do it right, it took a long time.
My Wife: Did you look at the house on Chestnut?
Me: I think so.
My Wife: You THINK so?
Me: Well....I....Uh.....
My Wife: It's a white house, with black shutters.
Me: I think I looked at a white one.....
My Wife: What color was the carpet?
Me: Carpet? I.....Uh.....I....I don't think I looked down.
My Wife: You DIDN'T look down?
Me: Well, no. I just....kind of....walked.....I....sort of looked.....you know....straight ahead....
My Wife: (sighs).....What about the counter tops?
Me: OH!! They had those!!! I did, in fact, see counter tops!!!
My Wife: What color were they?
Me: Color?
My Wife: Yes....What COLOR were the counter tops!?!!
Me: Color?....Uh.....What color?......Uhhhh....I think they were a......light....ish.......hue......
My Wife: A light-ISH hue?
Me: (pleased with myself) Yeah!! That's it!!
My Wife: I REALLY need to hang up the phone, right now.
Me: Okay. Love you. Bye.
My Wife: You are the biggest, knuckle-dragging, bonehead I have ever met.
Me: Uh....I'm still here.....You didn't hang up the phone.
My Wife: I KNOW!!!
So, my wife came to town, and threw me in a car, with a realtor, to look at houses. The fact that I have survived long enough to write this, should tell you that it went........just okay.
Because the price of houses, in New Jersey, is still outrageous we had to look in South Jersey. It's still FAIRLY affordable there, and you don't have all those pesky annoyances like grocery stores, and shopping malls. I didn't care for this. I didn't want to wake up and find "critters," or "varmints" in my living room. You see, I grew up in Orange County, California. The houses on either side of me were about 10 feet away. Plus, and this is just a small thing, but it didn't take me 45 minutes to get to the closest place to buy food!!! I like food, and I don't care to eat the stuff that some car has hit, and left laying on the side of the road.
When we got to the first house my wife, of course, loved it. "Look at all the trees!!!" she would say. Plus, she liked the fact that none of the neighbors were within shouting distance. "You know why they do that, don't you?" I asked her, "So that no one can hear you scream when they come over, kill you, and make a 'PERSON SUIT' out of your flesh!!"
The first house was so rural that it was actually IN a forest. I'm almost 99% certain that it was between the homes of Leatherface, and The Blair Witch. Since I didn't WANT to be murdered in my own home, I quickly passed on this house.
The next one was a little closer to civilization. I could see the other houses. It probably would have been better if I hadn't been able to. There were two houses across the street. At one, they seemed to be blasting some sort of death metal/country fusion that I had never heard before. As near as I could tell, the gentleman singing the song had been.....how do I put this......"done wrong" by his girl. In the country portion of the song, his heart was broken, and he was feeling down.....Then, when the death metal portion kicked in, he was going to take her, chop her to pieces, and feed her to his pit bull, BEFORE he took his own life, because he would feel so bad......It was a real tear jerker.........Look for it at Grammy time.
In the other house, which had a replica, Harley Davidson motorcycle mailbox, they appeared to be revving their ATV's, and dirt bikes. Not riding. Just revving. I don't have a motorcycle, or an ATV. I have a minivan. Us minivan drivers don't ever seem to feel the need to sit outside our homes and rev our minivans. It doesn't seem to serve any purpose. Yet, when some people purchase a motorcycle, or an ATV, they seem to feel the need to announce this to the world. They do this by sitting outside, sometimes for hours at a time, and rev, and rev, and rev, until it runs out of gas or the engine explodes. Whichever comes first. I don't know if this is some sort of battle cry, or mating call, or anything like that. But, anyone who has lived near someone with some kind of motor bike, has heard them sit there and rev it all day long. I'm sure there's a reason. Plus, I'm sure that the people who are trying to sell their house REALLY appreciate it. So, we moved on.
We were also able to see a really nice house, that was a little less rural......I thought. When we were going in through the door we heard a rooster. A freaking ROOSTER!!! Why do you need a rooster, in a residential neighborhood? What purpose do they serve? On the farm? Yes. Roosters. I get it. It's a farm, and you need both male and female chickens. I'm good with that. But, in a residential area? Are they Amish? Do they NOT believe in alarm clocks? Maybe they've never seen them. Imagine the shock. They've even got REALLY fancy ones, now, that will play music to wake you up. Either way, it is 2008. You don't need a freaking ROOSTER!!!!
The house was a gem, too. 4 bedrooms, nice backyard, two-car garage......There was one MINOR problem with that, though. You see, there were two garage doors, and the house was billed as having a two-car garage. It all seems okay, at this point, right? I thought so, too. But, when we went in, there was no garage. They had two garage doors, and said it had a garage, but there was no garage. You see, instead of finishing their basement, which they didn't, they decided to turn their garage into a big room, but leave the doors up. Because, you know, NOTHING says class like a nice family room, with two, big, garage doors in it. When I asked the owner why they didn't finish the basement, instead, he got an odd look on his face. "Yeah," he said, "I guess we could have done that." Priceless.
And, that's how it went. We did see some good houses, too. Or, at least, what I thought were good houses. Some even had INDOOR PLUMBING!!!!! But, since my wife values the opinion of rocks, more than she values mine, we aren't getting any of those. It is also, for that reason, that she is planning to fly out again, when she's even MORE pregnant. You see, giving birth in the exit row is far more appealing than letting your doofus husband pick the house.......He doesn't even look DOWN!!!!
Casey
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
The Blonde Is Mine....You Can Divide The Rest Up Among Yourselves
I was watching the "American Idol" special, "Idol Gives Back."
Honestly, I found it to be more than a little depressing.
The poor kids, with HIV, in Africa? Yeah. Seen it. Didn't a bunch of singers, in the '80's (Huey Lewis?), get together and do a song to fix that? Honestly, how long are we going to keep dumping money into that project before we realize that the whole "hunger/AIDS" thing isn't working? It's a poor business model, really. Years ago Japan tried to kill all of us. It didn't work. Now, they build cars and computers. They've done alright for themselves. Africa should look into that. I'm just sayin'.
Also, is it necessary to send all the pretty, famous people into these horrible places? What, exactly, is the point of this. Did any of us watch that and think, "You know, I always THOUGHT poverty was bad. But, it wasn't until I saw Reese Witherspoon, in her diamond earrings, talking to some poor, black people that it really hit home....Thank you 'American Idol'"
I highly doubt it. How much do you wanna bet that she high-tailed it back to her 4 star hotel, and hit the spa, as soon as she got out of there? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA......I'VE GOT POOR ON ME!!!!!"
The big deal, though, was that Brad Pitt was there!! He made a little movie where he went and hung out with the victims of Katrina. He said that, in order to get it all back together, we are going to have to rely on, and I'm quoting here, "The good ol' U-S-of-A." Huh? The U-S-OF-A? Brad was apparently visiting from the World War ll era.
Honestly, I have never understood why Brad Pitt is such a huge star. I mean, yes, he's good looking. I also happen to think he's a decent actor. But, let's be honest, if George Clooney (the "Ocean's" movies), or Angelina Jolie ("Mr. and Mrs. Smith") aren't starring with him, very few people are beating down the door to see a Brad Pitt movie. "Troy," anyone? "Meet Joe Black?" How about "Seven Years in Tibet?" No one? That's what I thought. And don't kid yourselves. Not NEARLY as many people saw "Fight Club" as you might think. Lots of boys QUOTE "Fight Club." Not many SAW "Fight Club." There's a reason for this. "Fight Club" was NOT a good movie.
Let's be honest. It's been a LOOOOOOONG time since "Seven." And, really, I have a hard time taking ANYONE seriously who would leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. I mean, come on!! Jennifer FREAKING Aniston? How do you leave THAT? Especially for creepy Angelina Jolie, with her weird lips, and scary bug eyes?
I do not want to downplay what they were trying to do. I think you should use your celebrity for good causes. If I had any celebrity, I would use it for good instead of evil. So, they did a good thing, and all of you should give money. But, you shouldn't care about some of these issues because David Spade told you to......Well.....Okay......MAYBE David Spade........But NOT Dane Cook........Dane Cook is a waste.
Now, on the most important thing I felt from watching "Idol Gives Back."
I want my OWN Carrie Underwood.
I promise I will feed it, and take care of it, every day.
I further promise that I will keep its cage clean.......Yes......I will keep it in a cage.......If I don't, it might leave, and trust me when I tell you that THAT won't end well for any of us.
When I watch her sing, I feel the kind of things that I have not felt since I watched Phoebe Cates take her bikini top off, in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High," when I was 13.
She's an angel.......
She's MY angel.......
The rest of you BETTER stop looking at her.
If you don't, I will be forced to abduct her........In order to keep her safe............From YOU!!!!
So, give to that whole "American Idol" charity thing.........And pay NO attention to what I'm doing with the blonde singer, in the burlap sack.............If you know what's good for you.
Casey
Honestly, I found it to be more than a little depressing.
The poor kids, with HIV, in Africa? Yeah. Seen it. Didn't a bunch of singers, in the '80's (Huey Lewis?), get together and do a song to fix that? Honestly, how long are we going to keep dumping money into that project before we realize that the whole "hunger/AIDS" thing isn't working? It's a poor business model, really. Years ago Japan tried to kill all of us. It didn't work. Now, they build cars and computers. They've done alright for themselves. Africa should look into that. I'm just sayin'.
Also, is it necessary to send all the pretty, famous people into these horrible places? What, exactly, is the point of this. Did any of us watch that and think, "You know, I always THOUGHT poverty was bad. But, it wasn't until I saw Reese Witherspoon, in her diamond earrings, talking to some poor, black people that it really hit home....Thank you 'American Idol'"
I highly doubt it. How much do you wanna bet that she high-tailed it back to her 4 star hotel, and hit the spa, as soon as she got out of there? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAA......I'VE GOT POOR ON ME!!!!!"
The big deal, though, was that Brad Pitt was there!! He made a little movie where he went and hung out with the victims of Katrina. He said that, in order to get it all back together, we are going to have to rely on, and I'm quoting here, "The good ol' U-S-of-A." Huh? The U-S-OF-A? Brad was apparently visiting from the World War ll era.
Honestly, I have never understood why Brad Pitt is such a huge star. I mean, yes, he's good looking. I also happen to think he's a decent actor. But, let's be honest, if George Clooney (the "Ocean's" movies), or Angelina Jolie ("Mr. and Mrs. Smith") aren't starring with him, very few people are beating down the door to see a Brad Pitt movie. "Troy," anyone? "Meet Joe Black?" How about "Seven Years in Tibet?" No one? That's what I thought. And don't kid yourselves. Not NEARLY as many people saw "Fight Club" as you might think. Lots of boys QUOTE "Fight Club." Not many SAW "Fight Club." There's a reason for this. "Fight Club" was NOT a good movie.
Let's be honest. It's been a LOOOOOOONG time since "Seven." And, really, I have a hard time taking ANYONE seriously who would leave Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie. I mean, come on!! Jennifer FREAKING Aniston? How do you leave THAT? Especially for creepy Angelina Jolie, with her weird lips, and scary bug eyes?
I do not want to downplay what they were trying to do. I think you should use your celebrity for good causes. If I had any celebrity, I would use it for good instead of evil. So, they did a good thing, and all of you should give money. But, you shouldn't care about some of these issues because David Spade told you to......Well.....Okay......MAYBE David Spade........But NOT Dane Cook........Dane Cook is a waste.
Now, on the most important thing I felt from watching "Idol Gives Back."
I want my OWN Carrie Underwood.
I promise I will feed it, and take care of it, every day.
I further promise that I will keep its cage clean.......Yes......I will keep it in a cage.......If I don't, it might leave, and trust me when I tell you that THAT won't end well for any of us.
When I watch her sing, I feel the kind of things that I have not felt since I watched Phoebe Cates take her bikini top off, in "Fast Times At Ridgemont High," when I was 13.
She's an angel.......
She's MY angel.......
The rest of you BETTER stop looking at her.
If you don't, I will be forced to abduct her........In order to keep her safe............From YOU!!!!
So, give to that whole "American Idol" charity thing.........And pay NO attention to what I'm doing with the blonde singer, in the burlap sack.............If you know what's good for you.
Casey
Monday, April 7, 2008
More Effective Marshmallow Transportation Methods
Flying does something to you. Some feel that it invigorates you, and gives you a sense of adventure. That it makes you feel as though you are greater than the sum of ALL mankind, as you sore through the clouds, rising higher and higher above the people below, bogged down by their mundane lives!!
I think it just makes you stupid.
What other excuse could there possibly be for the Sky Mall catalogue that they have in the seat back pockets? More importantly, why else would people read it, and think that they actually NEED any of this stuff? You don't. And, let's be honest, you wouldn't even think that about anything in the Sky Mall catalogue, if you were reading it in the privacy of your own home.
Do you NEED a leather bound edition of the "New York Times" from the day you were born? In the air, where you are stupid, paying $99.95 for this seems like a good idea. You would have ALL the news from the very day you were born. But, when you get back on the ground, you realize that, well, there's the internet, and it's free. Besides, if you buy a newspaper from the DAY you were born, you are actually reading all the news that happened on the day BEFORE you were born. Newspapers are a day late. So, if you want to read about all the news from the DAY you were born, you have to pay $99.95 for the leather bound edition of the "New York Times" from the day AFTER you were born......Or, you could just send the money to me. I'll go online, and email you all the stuff.
And, if you're one of those guys who thinks to themselves, "Boy, I wish I had a 15 inch replica of R2-D2, who would follow me around AND respond to 40 DIFFERENT VOICE COMMANDS!!!" Well, now you can and it will only cost you $119.95!!! I mean, who needs to waste their time trying to touch a female breast, or kiss a girl that's NOT your mom? You could have your own FREAKING android!!!! You would be the envy of ALL the geeks at the comic book store.................
Or will you..................
Because, they MIGHT be wearing their GENUINE replica of "The One Ring," from TLOTR......That stands for "The Lord Of The Rings."..........I looked it up.........Yep, these "hep cats" will have plunked down $129 for their own personal icon of geek-dom. Honestly, in the world of "geek" this one might make more sense than the robot. Apparently, this "One Ring" can turn you invisible, and allow you to sneak into a girls room. But, since it was just a movie (don't cry), and doesn't really work, I have a hard time giving them any credit.
And, if you're like me, you've spent countless waking hours thinking to yourself, "I don't have NEARLY enough large, fake boulders in my yard!!!" Well, with Sky Mall, you can change all that and it will only cost you $399.99 PER BOULDER. With your new, plastic boulders, you can cover things like air conditioners, hoses, holes, and, according to the picture, OTHER BOULDERS!!! That's right!!! Improve of God's shoddy craftsmanship!!! Cover up those old, dated rocks, with shiny, new, PLASTIC rocks. Be the envy of your neighborhood!!
Having trouble getting your marshmallows ALL THE WAY on the other side of the room? Not an uncommon problem. Well, for just $24.95, why not pick up "The Marshmallow Shooter," and solve this problem........Okay.......I admit it........Even OFF the plane, this one seems cool. I mean, a gun that shoots marshmallows? Come on!!!! But, my wife said no.
Now, you're thinking to yourself, "But, Casey!! There couldn't possibly be anything MORE, could there?"
FOOL!!!
Of course there's more!!!
I haven't even told you about the FULL WALL crossword puzzle, for just $29.95!!! I mean, who DOESN'T have a full wall that they want to take up with a crossword puzzle? If that person is out there, I haven't met them.
And, with Spring upon us, and thoughts of love floating through the air like gentle feathers, every man needs to ask himself one simple question: "What woman wouldn't want a 'Basho The Sumo Wrestler Glass-Topped Table' in their living room?" It's the perfect anniversary gift, and it's right here in the Sky Mall catalogue. My 11th anniversary is on May 31st........Wait........Yeah.......That's right........May 31st. I can just see the tears of joy coming to my wife's eyes, as I present her with this statue of a grotesquely fat, Japanese man, on all fours, with a large piece of glass on his back. Plus, she'll be proud that I only paid $225 for it. Trust me, nothing says love like a fat guy, on all fours, with glass on his back.
Speaking of you ladies, how many times have your padded bras come out of the washer looking all tattered, and torn? It's one of America's silent problems. Now, with "The Bra Ball" (hee-hee), that will be just a distant memory. "The Bra Ball" (lol) has a PATENTED, two-shell design that will keep your padded bras safe. With "The Bra Ball" (lmao!) you'll be MORE confident putting your bra on, every day, knowing that you won't have those unsightly wrinkles, and bulges. "The Bra Ball" (ROFL!!!) will keep your bras clean, round, full, and perfect!! All for just $19.99...................Hang on...............I can't breathe......
What were we talking about?
Oh, yeah.....
Finally, and this is a biggie, do you hate spiders as much as I do? Well, for just $49.95 you can pick up "The Keep Your Distance Bug Vacuum." This is a two foot long, extendable tube, attached to a small, rechargeable vacuum. This way, you can keep as far away from the bug as possible, and then suck it, still living, into the tiny, little vacuum.........THAT YOU ARE HOLDING RIGHT IN YOUR HAND.................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....................BUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course, you could solve that problem by rolling up your Sky Mall catalogue, and slamming it against the bug, thus killing it. But, you would have to throw away your Sky Mall catalogue, afterwards........Just wait and kill your bug AFTER you order your "Marshmallow Shooter." It's on page 27.
Just a thought.
Casey
I think it just makes you stupid.
What other excuse could there possibly be for the Sky Mall catalogue that they have in the seat back pockets? More importantly, why else would people read it, and think that they actually NEED any of this stuff? You don't. And, let's be honest, you wouldn't even think that about anything in the Sky Mall catalogue, if you were reading it in the privacy of your own home.
Do you NEED a leather bound edition of the "New York Times" from the day you were born? In the air, where you are stupid, paying $99.95 for this seems like a good idea. You would have ALL the news from the very day you were born. But, when you get back on the ground, you realize that, well, there's the internet, and it's free. Besides, if you buy a newspaper from the DAY you were born, you are actually reading all the news that happened on the day BEFORE you were born. Newspapers are a day late. So, if you want to read about all the news from the DAY you were born, you have to pay $99.95 for the leather bound edition of the "New York Times" from the day AFTER you were born......Or, you could just send the money to me. I'll go online, and email you all the stuff.
And, if you're one of those guys who thinks to themselves, "Boy, I wish I had a 15 inch replica of R2-D2, who would follow me around AND respond to 40 DIFFERENT VOICE COMMANDS!!!" Well, now you can and it will only cost you $119.95!!! I mean, who needs to waste their time trying to touch a female breast, or kiss a girl that's NOT your mom? You could have your own FREAKING android!!!! You would be the envy of ALL the geeks at the comic book store.................
Or will you..................
Because, they MIGHT be wearing their GENUINE replica of "The One Ring," from TLOTR......That stands for "The Lord Of The Rings."..........I looked it up.........Yep, these "hep cats" will have plunked down $129 for their own personal icon of geek-dom. Honestly, in the world of "geek" this one might make more sense than the robot. Apparently, this "One Ring" can turn you invisible, and allow you to sneak into a girls room. But, since it was just a movie (don't cry), and doesn't really work, I have a hard time giving them any credit.
And, if you're like me, you've spent countless waking hours thinking to yourself, "I don't have NEARLY enough large, fake boulders in my yard!!!" Well, with Sky Mall, you can change all that and it will only cost you $399.99 PER BOULDER. With your new, plastic boulders, you can cover things like air conditioners, hoses, holes, and, according to the picture, OTHER BOULDERS!!! That's right!!! Improve of God's shoddy craftsmanship!!! Cover up those old, dated rocks, with shiny, new, PLASTIC rocks. Be the envy of your neighborhood!!
Having trouble getting your marshmallows ALL THE WAY on the other side of the room? Not an uncommon problem. Well, for just $24.95, why not pick up "The Marshmallow Shooter," and solve this problem........Okay.......I admit it........Even OFF the plane, this one seems cool. I mean, a gun that shoots marshmallows? Come on!!!! But, my wife said no.
Now, you're thinking to yourself, "But, Casey!! There couldn't possibly be anything MORE, could there?"
FOOL!!!
Of course there's more!!!
I haven't even told you about the FULL WALL crossword puzzle, for just $29.95!!! I mean, who DOESN'T have a full wall that they want to take up with a crossword puzzle? If that person is out there, I haven't met them.
And, with Spring upon us, and thoughts of love floating through the air like gentle feathers, every man needs to ask himself one simple question: "What woman wouldn't want a 'Basho The Sumo Wrestler Glass-Topped Table' in their living room?" It's the perfect anniversary gift, and it's right here in the Sky Mall catalogue. My 11th anniversary is on May 31st........Wait........Yeah.......That's right........May 31st. I can just see the tears of joy coming to my wife's eyes, as I present her with this statue of a grotesquely fat, Japanese man, on all fours, with a large piece of glass on his back. Plus, she'll be proud that I only paid $225 for it. Trust me, nothing says love like a fat guy, on all fours, with glass on his back.
Speaking of you ladies, how many times have your padded bras come out of the washer looking all tattered, and torn? It's one of America's silent problems. Now, with "The Bra Ball" (hee-hee), that will be just a distant memory. "The Bra Ball" (lol) has a PATENTED, two-shell design that will keep your padded bras safe. With "The Bra Ball" (lmao!) you'll be MORE confident putting your bra on, every day, knowing that you won't have those unsightly wrinkles, and bulges. "The Bra Ball" (ROFL!!!) will keep your bras clean, round, full, and perfect!! All for just $19.99...................Hang on...............I can't breathe......
What were we talking about?
Oh, yeah.....
Finally, and this is a biggie, do you hate spiders as much as I do? Well, for just $49.95 you can pick up "The Keep Your Distance Bug Vacuum." This is a two foot long, extendable tube, attached to a small, rechargeable vacuum. This way, you can keep as far away from the bug as possible, and then suck it, still living, into the tiny, little vacuum.........THAT YOU ARE HOLDING RIGHT IN YOUR HAND.................AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....................BUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Of course, you could solve that problem by rolling up your Sky Mall catalogue, and slamming it against the bug, thus killing it. But, you would have to throw away your Sky Mall catalogue, afterwards........Just wait and kill your bug AFTER you order your "Marshmallow Shooter." It's on page 27.
Just a thought.
Casey
Friday, April 4, 2008
I'm Afraid Of The Dead Roosters!!!
The older that I get, the older my parents get.......In case you hadn't figured that out.........Now, every time I speak with my mother, the conversation inevitably turns to death.
In the conversation that every child dreams about having with their parents, my mom and dad would like to know EXACTLY how I would like to profit from their demise.
My Mom: Is there anything of ours that you want?
Me: That I want? I don't think so.
My Mom: How about the Christmas clock?
Me: The one that plays Christmas carols every hour? No. I don't want that. It will make me hate you after you're dead.
My Mom: You have to have something to remember us by.
Me: How about the bodies?
My Mom: Stop being gross.
Me: I could have you guys stuffed, and put you at the kitchen table......
My Mom: I don't think you're funny.
Me: Maybe have you playing cards, or something.
My Mom: Why are you being mean?
Me: At the top of every hour I could have you guys sing Christmas carols....
My Mom: I'm hanging up!!
It's not that I don't enjoy talking about my parents dying. What child doesn't? My daughter talks about it with me all the time. Then, she looks at me funny and goes down to the basement where she keeps her "My First Chemistry Set." On a side note, if you ever come to my house, don't eat any of the food my daughter gives you. You're just ASKING for trouble.
My real issue, here, is that I can't see wanting to profit from my parent's death. Things being different, I might have a different view. You see, when it comes to material goods, my parents have NO taste. My mother's taste in furniture would be best described, I guess, as "Contemporary Farm." She's one of those people who was not raised on a farm, has never been to a farm, and doesn't have any interest in GOING to a farm. Yet, she wants her house to look as though it is ON a farm. This is particularly odd when you realize that they live ON a golf course, IN Palm Springs, California. So, you walk in from the golf course, in the desert, when it's 175 degrees outside, and stare at an authentic looking butter churn.
My Mom: I got it at "Pottery Barn!!!!"
Me: Ooooooo....Sharp!!
Then, there are the official, country store-looking rag dolls on the furniture. Which, by the way, is ALL either red and white checked, or light blue and white checked. Because, you know, that's what furniture looks like on farms........On TV...........Which is the only place my mother has ever SEEN a farm.
I haven't even gotten to the best part. The roosters. There are roosters EVERYWHERE........In her house.......In the desert.......These aren't REAL roosters, though there is one that I think may have been real, at one time. That one is pretty creepy. I put it on the floor, behind a chair, when I come visit. It makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I'm supposed to want some of this stuff. Since I already have furniture, and my dogs would chew up the rag dolls, I think that might leave me with the creepy rooster. Terrific.
This has gotten me thinking, though. What do I have that my kids would want? I'm not really a material person, so I don't have much. It's not that I don't spend money. It's just that, when I do, I buy junk. "Look, honey!!!! It's a sponge that's made SPECIFICALLY FOR cleaning the George Foreman grill!!!! How could I pass that up!?!!"
I'm not foolish enough to think that ANYBODY is going to want my Mickey Mouse watch collection......Yes, it is a collection.......YES IT IS!!!.........Shut up............You see, I don't buy really expensive Mickey Mouse watches. So, they probably won't be worth anything.
I know what you're thinking.
You: But, Casey!!!! You're a RADIO STAR!!!!! Surely there will be tapes of your many, quality broadcasts, in a museum someplace, that ALL of our ancestors will be able to visit, and enjoy.
I appreciate that sentiment. Clearly you don't listen to the show.
I was trying to think of something more tangible. Something that would remind my kids of the kind of person I was. But, I can't come up with anything. I fear that I may just be taking up space. One day, decades from now, they'll do a documentary and flash my picture on the screen as an example of human waste.
A REAAAAALLLLLLY INCONVENIENT TRUTH (SORT OF)....AND WE MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!!
Good evening. I'm Albert Barack Obama James Carter Gore XXX. As you all know, it was my great-great grandfather, Albert Nelson Mandella Martin Luther King Junior Gore Jr., who predicted that we would one day no longer have a planet earth. We still believe this, today.
This is largely due to this carbon based, bio unit known only as "CASEY." Documents are sketchy, from his century. But, we believe that all this "CASEY" creature did was inhale VALUABLE oxygen, only to then exhale DEADLY GASES!!!! Apparently, he also collected watches which glorified some sort of rodent.
Now, if you will direct your attention to this picture of some polar bears........Aren't they CUUUUUUUTE?
And that will be all there is. I'll just be dead. Period. Nothing for the kids. Nothing for history. Just nothing. POOF!!!! What will my children have to remember me by?
I could always buy a fake rooster. Maybe one that plays Christmas carols. I hear those are nice.
Casey
In the conversation that every child dreams about having with their parents, my mom and dad would like to know EXACTLY how I would like to profit from their demise.
My Mom: Is there anything of ours that you want?
Me: That I want? I don't think so.
My Mom: How about the Christmas clock?
Me: The one that plays Christmas carols every hour? No. I don't want that. It will make me hate you after you're dead.
My Mom: You have to have something to remember us by.
Me: How about the bodies?
My Mom: Stop being gross.
Me: I could have you guys stuffed, and put you at the kitchen table......
My Mom: I don't think you're funny.
Me: Maybe have you playing cards, or something.
My Mom: Why are you being mean?
Me: At the top of every hour I could have you guys sing Christmas carols....
My Mom: I'm hanging up!!
It's not that I don't enjoy talking about my parents dying. What child doesn't? My daughter talks about it with me all the time. Then, she looks at me funny and goes down to the basement where she keeps her "My First Chemistry Set." On a side note, if you ever come to my house, don't eat any of the food my daughter gives you. You're just ASKING for trouble.
My real issue, here, is that I can't see wanting to profit from my parent's death. Things being different, I might have a different view. You see, when it comes to material goods, my parents have NO taste. My mother's taste in furniture would be best described, I guess, as "Contemporary Farm." She's one of those people who was not raised on a farm, has never been to a farm, and doesn't have any interest in GOING to a farm. Yet, she wants her house to look as though it is ON a farm. This is particularly odd when you realize that they live ON a golf course, IN Palm Springs, California. So, you walk in from the golf course, in the desert, when it's 175 degrees outside, and stare at an authentic looking butter churn.
My Mom: I got it at "Pottery Barn!!!!"
Me: Ooooooo....Sharp!!
Then, there are the official, country store-looking rag dolls on the furniture. Which, by the way, is ALL either red and white checked, or light blue and white checked. Because, you know, that's what furniture looks like on farms........On TV...........Which is the only place my mother has ever SEEN a farm.
I haven't even gotten to the best part. The roosters. There are roosters EVERYWHERE........In her house.......In the desert.......These aren't REAL roosters, though there is one that I think may have been real, at one time. That one is pretty creepy. I put it on the floor, behind a chair, when I come visit. It makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway, I'm supposed to want some of this stuff. Since I already have furniture, and my dogs would chew up the rag dolls, I think that might leave me with the creepy rooster. Terrific.
This has gotten me thinking, though. What do I have that my kids would want? I'm not really a material person, so I don't have much. It's not that I don't spend money. It's just that, when I do, I buy junk. "Look, honey!!!! It's a sponge that's made SPECIFICALLY FOR cleaning the George Foreman grill!!!! How could I pass that up!?!!"
I'm not foolish enough to think that ANYBODY is going to want my Mickey Mouse watch collection......Yes, it is a collection.......YES IT IS!!!.........Shut up............You see, I don't buy really expensive Mickey Mouse watches. So, they probably won't be worth anything.
I know what you're thinking.
You: But, Casey!!!! You're a RADIO STAR!!!!! Surely there will be tapes of your many, quality broadcasts, in a museum someplace, that ALL of our ancestors will be able to visit, and enjoy.
I appreciate that sentiment. Clearly you don't listen to the show.
I was trying to think of something more tangible. Something that would remind my kids of the kind of person I was. But, I can't come up with anything. I fear that I may just be taking up space. One day, decades from now, they'll do a documentary and flash my picture on the screen as an example of human waste.
A REAAAAALLLLLLY INCONVENIENT TRUTH (SORT OF)....AND WE MEAN IT THIS TIME!!!!
Good evening. I'm Albert Barack Obama James Carter Gore XXX. As you all know, it was my great-great grandfather, Albert Nelson Mandella Martin Luther King Junior Gore Jr., who predicted that we would one day no longer have a planet earth. We still believe this, today.
This is largely due to this carbon based, bio unit known only as "CASEY." Documents are sketchy, from his century. But, we believe that all this "CASEY" creature did was inhale VALUABLE oxygen, only to then exhale DEADLY GASES!!!! Apparently, he also collected watches which glorified some sort of rodent.
Now, if you will direct your attention to this picture of some polar bears........Aren't they CUUUUUUUTE?
And that will be all there is. I'll just be dead. Period. Nothing for the kids. Nothing for history. Just nothing. POOF!!!! What will my children have to remember me by?
I could always buy a fake rooster. Maybe one that plays Christmas carols. I hear those are nice.
Casey
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
It's Us Against Them.....And They're Winning!!!!!
This past weekend there were, not one, but TWO 8 year old's birthday parties.
I know what you're thinking. Casey!! How could you possibly be so lucky!?!! I didn't even get to attend ONE 8 year old's birthday party!!
Well, let's just say I'm connected. Your average 38 year old doesn't get to go to ANY 8 year old's birthday parties.
The first party was my own daughter's. For that one, Brooke and I herded 10 eight year old's (with a stick), into a "Build-A-Bear Workshop" (store motto: Pay 3 times as much, and do ALL the work yourself!!), and engaged in 60 minutes of organized chaos. This allowed me to brush up on my 2nd grade conversation skills, which I found to be lacking.
Second Grader: Where did my mommy go?
Me: She left.
Second Grader: She........LEFT me?
Me: Yeah. For the party.
Second Grader: (starts to cry)
Me: Wait...Don't cry....There's a party!!
Second Grader: (still crying) I want my mommy!!
Me: But.....The party......
My Wife: Way to go, Ace.
It went on and on, like this until I came to the conclusion that it is NEVER a good idea for ANYBODY to spend ANY time talking to an 8 year old that you can't send to their room if they get on your nerves.
Next Second Grader: My daddy says that you're on the radio.
Me: Yes, I am.
Next Second Grader: My daddy says that's a silly job.
Me: Well, I don't really think it's SILLY. I mean........
Next Second Grader: He says that radio is dying, and that you should try to get on satellite.
Me: Well, tell your daddy that radio is NOT dying, and that not EVERYONE wants to be on satellite.
Next Second Grader: He says you should try and get a real job.
Me: REALLY!?!! A REAL job, huh? Well, what's YOUR daddy do?
Next Second Grader: He's a doctor.
Me: Oh......That's good, too.
And this is what my wife and I were left with. The parents? Oh, they left. In fact they couldn't get away fast enough. Many of them didn't stop walking, when they got to "The Build-A-Bear Workshop." They saw their brief opportunity for freedom, and attacked it like a fat guy at a buffet.
Parent: Is this Spenser's party?
Me: Yeah, thanks for comi..........
Parent: (throwing kid at me) Do you need me to stay?
Me: Well, no. But, if you would like............
Parent: (running) I'll be back in an hour.
I'm not 100% sure that ALL the kids at my daughter's party were A) invited, and B) she actually knew. I think some parents were just walking by, and saw the chance to leave their kids for a while. So, they jumped at it.
I don't mean to imply that these parents don't like, or possibly even love their children. I'm fairly certain that they do. But, as with most things, moderation is the key. We can all tolerate our OWN 8 year olds, as long as we can send them to the basement to play their video games, for a couple of hours. But, when there are FIVE TIMES as many 8 year olds, as adults, that's too much to ask of anyone.
My wife and I foolishly tried to tip the odds in our favor. We had Spenser pick the bear that EVERYONE would make. That way, we control the cost, and we wouldn't have to spend one calendar year waiting for 10 different girls, to make 10 different decisions, about 10 different bears. We thought we were being smart. But, that's what we get for thinking.
Spenser picked a Koala bear, that each girl would make, then they would get a certain amount of money to dress it however they wanted. It made perfect, logical sense to ME, a 38 year old man. The 8 year old girls, however, failed to completely grasp the concept.
Another Second Grader: I don't WANT the Koala bear.
Me: Well, that's the bear Spenser picked.
Another Second Grader: What if I don't want it?
Me: Then, you don't get to make a bear.
Another Second Grader: I don't get to make a bear?
Me: Nope.
Another Second Grader: (Starts Crying Loudly)
Me: Wait.......
Another Second Grader: (still crying)
My Wife: Honey, what's wrong?
Another Second Grader: He said I couldn't make a bear.
My Wife: You can make a bear, honey.
Me: That's not what I said!!
My Wife: Do you want to make your Koala bear, sweetie?
Another Second Grader: (sniffling) Uh-huh.
My Wife: (glaring at me) Okay, go over with the other girls.
Me: That's not what I said!!!!
My Wife: Way to go, Ace.
Me: Stop saying that.
Then, there was lots of screaming, and yelling, and jumping, and video taping. Because, God forbid, we don't get to watch the screaming, yelling, and jumping AGAIN, later on.......yippee.
Once the bears were stuffed, and brushed, and hugged, and hurled into the air over and over again, it was time to pick clothing. Now, we were very specific with the girls. They had "X" number of dollars to spend on clothes for their bears that will vanish under their beds the moment they get home. They could go UNDER that amount. But, they could not go OVER that amount. As you can imagine, this was a simple process which took only a matter of moments to complete................You believe that?............Stop being dumb.
Final Second Grader: I want this dress for my bear?
Me: You can't get that one, sweetie. It's too expensive.
Final Second Grader: I can't get a dress?
Me: I didn't say that....I DID NOT SAY THAT!!!!!
Final Second Grader: (starting to cry) Everyone else is getting a dress.
Me: NO......WAIT......YOU.......I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!!!
My Wife: What's wrong?
Final Second Grader: (Looking Sad)
Me: I SWEAR TO GOD, I did not say that!!!!
My Wife: Way to go.......
Me: STOP IT!!!!!
After a little more than an hour, 9 mothers came back with shopping bags, "Starbuck's" coffee cups, and looking generally relaxed. We went upstairs, to the food court, and had a party with a giant cookie.
Random Mother: Do you need me to stay?
Me: Yes. If you don't, I'm going to leave your child in the food court.
Later, children and mothers filed out, my daughter was very happy, and my wife was still glaring at me.
The next day, my daughter went to another girl's party. It was at a local movie theater, where they were going to see a movie, and then go get ice cream.
My wife and I drove up, saw the mother standing outside the theater, slowed the car down, pushed our daughter out, and sped away for two hours of freedom.
It was someone else's turn!!!!
Casey
I know what you're thinking. Casey!! How could you possibly be so lucky!?!! I didn't even get to attend ONE 8 year old's birthday party!!
Well, let's just say I'm connected. Your average 38 year old doesn't get to go to ANY 8 year old's birthday parties.
The first party was my own daughter's. For that one, Brooke and I herded 10 eight year old's (with a stick), into a "Build-A-Bear Workshop" (store motto: Pay 3 times as much, and do ALL the work yourself!!), and engaged in 60 minutes of organized chaos. This allowed me to brush up on my 2nd grade conversation skills, which I found to be lacking.
Second Grader: Where did my mommy go?
Me: She left.
Second Grader: She........LEFT me?
Me: Yeah. For the party.
Second Grader: (starts to cry)
Me: Wait...Don't cry....There's a party!!
Second Grader: (still crying) I want my mommy!!
Me: But.....The party......
My Wife: Way to go, Ace.
It went on and on, like this until I came to the conclusion that it is NEVER a good idea for ANYBODY to spend ANY time talking to an 8 year old that you can't send to their room if they get on your nerves.
Next Second Grader: My daddy says that you're on the radio.
Me: Yes, I am.
Next Second Grader: My daddy says that's a silly job.
Me: Well, I don't really think it's SILLY. I mean........
Next Second Grader: He says that radio is dying, and that you should try to get on satellite.
Me: Well, tell your daddy that radio is NOT dying, and that not EVERYONE wants to be on satellite.
Next Second Grader: He says you should try and get a real job.
Me: REALLY!?!! A REAL job, huh? Well, what's YOUR daddy do?
Next Second Grader: He's a doctor.
Me: Oh......That's good, too.
And this is what my wife and I were left with. The parents? Oh, they left. In fact they couldn't get away fast enough. Many of them didn't stop walking, when they got to "The Build-A-Bear Workshop." They saw their brief opportunity for freedom, and attacked it like a fat guy at a buffet.
Parent: Is this Spenser's party?
Me: Yeah, thanks for comi..........
Parent: (throwing kid at me) Do you need me to stay?
Me: Well, no. But, if you would like............
Parent: (running) I'll be back in an hour.
I'm not 100% sure that ALL the kids at my daughter's party were A) invited, and B) she actually knew. I think some parents were just walking by, and saw the chance to leave their kids for a while. So, they jumped at it.
I don't mean to imply that these parents don't like, or possibly even love their children. I'm fairly certain that they do. But, as with most things, moderation is the key. We can all tolerate our OWN 8 year olds, as long as we can send them to the basement to play their video games, for a couple of hours. But, when there are FIVE TIMES as many 8 year olds, as adults, that's too much to ask of anyone.
My wife and I foolishly tried to tip the odds in our favor. We had Spenser pick the bear that EVERYONE would make. That way, we control the cost, and we wouldn't have to spend one calendar year waiting for 10 different girls, to make 10 different decisions, about 10 different bears. We thought we were being smart. But, that's what we get for thinking.
Spenser picked a Koala bear, that each girl would make, then they would get a certain amount of money to dress it however they wanted. It made perfect, logical sense to ME, a 38 year old man. The 8 year old girls, however, failed to completely grasp the concept.
Another Second Grader: I don't WANT the Koala bear.
Me: Well, that's the bear Spenser picked.
Another Second Grader: What if I don't want it?
Me: Then, you don't get to make a bear.
Another Second Grader: I don't get to make a bear?
Me: Nope.
Another Second Grader: (Starts Crying Loudly)
Me: Wait.......
Another Second Grader: (still crying)
My Wife: Honey, what's wrong?
Another Second Grader: He said I couldn't make a bear.
My Wife: You can make a bear, honey.
Me: That's not what I said!!
My Wife: Do you want to make your Koala bear, sweetie?
Another Second Grader: (sniffling) Uh-huh.
My Wife: (glaring at me) Okay, go over with the other girls.
Me: That's not what I said!!!!
My Wife: Way to go, Ace.
Me: Stop saying that.
Then, there was lots of screaming, and yelling, and jumping, and video taping. Because, God forbid, we don't get to watch the screaming, yelling, and jumping AGAIN, later on.......yippee.
Once the bears were stuffed, and brushed, and hugged, and hurled into the air over and over again, it was time to pick clothing. Now, we were very specific with the girls. They had "X" number of dollars to spend on clothes for their bears that will vanish under their beds the moment they get home. They could go UNDER that amount. But, they could not go OVER that amount. As you can imagine, this was a simple process which took only a matter of moments to complete................You believe that?............Stop being dumb.
Final Second Grader: I want this dress for my bear?
Me: You can't get that one, sweetie. It's too expensive.
Final Second Grader: I can't get a dress?
Me: I didn't say that....I DID NOT SAY THAT!!!!!
Final Second Grader: (starting to cry) Everyone else is getting a dress.
Me: NO......WAIT......YOU.......I DIDN'T SAY THAT!!!!!
My Wife: What's wrong?
Final Second Grader: (Looking Sad)
Me: I SWEAR TO GOD, I did not say that!!!!
My Wife: Way to go.......
Me: STOP IT!!!!!
After a little more than an hour, 9 mothers came back with shopping bags, "Starbuck's" coffee cups, and looking generally relaxed. We went upstairs, to the food court, and had a party with a giant cookie.
Random Mother: Do you need me to stay?
Me: Yes. If you don't, I'm going to leave your child in the food court.
Later, children and mothers filed out, my daughter was very happy, and my wife was still glaring at me.
The next day, my daughter went to another girl's party. It was at a local movie theater, where they were going to see a movie, and then go get ice cream.
My wife and I drove up, saw the mother standing outside the theater, slowed the car down, pushed our daughter out, and sped away for two hours of freedom.
It was someone else's turn!!!!
Casey
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