In my continuing quest for absolute power, which grows increasingly less likely each day as there is NO ONE on ebay selling a “Weather Controlling Machine,” I have decided that there are only two ways I’m going to be able to achieve this. One, I will have to be elected President of These United States of America. The other, I will have to be elected Pope.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: Casey, both of these sound very plausible, and highly likely. How are you EVER going to decide which one to pursue?
It’s been bothering me, too. Especially when you realize that either one is a virtual slam dunk for me.
Consider this:
When someone is running for President, they generally carry the state that they live in, and many of the states that they spent some time visiting. Using this rock solid, scientific data, I’m kind of a sure thing, for President. I’ve lived in California, Florida, New Jersey, Michigan, South Carolina, and Missouri. In the electoral college, that’s 133 votes RIGHT THERE. Now, when you consider that I have also spent a good deal of time in Arizona, Nevada, Texas, Georgia, Indiana, New Mexico, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Massachusetts, AND New York, that gives me roughly 309 votes. You only need 270 to win. Considering that, I’m frankly surprised that either party hasn’t contacted me, yet. Could I be TOO perfect? Yeah. That might be it.
As for becoming Pope, I went to catholic school for 10 years of my life. I have the scars, both physical and emotional, to prove it. Mind you, the fact that I am not catholic may factor in, here. But, like with most things these days, I’m sure it’s just a quick internet application, along with a small processing fee. Something I could get out of the way in a few minutes, really. So, as far as Pope goes, I’m solid.
So, in an effort to try and decide which of these positions I will accept when (not if) it is offered, I thought it would be a good idea to make a list. Usually, lists are things that people make so that they can spend several hours trying to come to the same conclusion they would have come to without making a list.
Hmmmm….
They say.
Should I take that high paying job, that has the huge potential for career advancement, and will allow me to pay for all my children to go to college, even though it’s in a large city, far away, and I will have to uproot everyone? Or, should I stay in the small, family-like company, in which I now work. Sure, things will be tight, and I may not get a new car every 3-5 years. But, my children will grow up surrounded by family, and there’s something to be said for not having to lock your doors at night. Plus, the air is so fresh and clean, here. I simply don’t know what to do. Perhaps I should make a list!!
Then, they will spend the next 12-16 hours making a list about the pros and cons of each job, and will make the very same decision they would have made if they had not made a list......OF COURSE you take the high paying job. Wanna know why? Simple. Money can, in fact, buy happiness. I don’t care what that t-shirt says.
But, this decision is more important. This isn’t about some fantasy job, that they weren’t going to offer you, anyway. This is about the future. Our future. You and me….And….The world, and stuff. So, a list it shall be.
FINANCIAL:
POPE: Literally has gold robes, gold crowns, gold jewelry, and is surrounded all day long by statues made of gold. I’ll bet he drinks that vodka, with the little gold flecks in it, like it’s water. (Note to self: Should I become Pope, we’ll be serving Yoo-Hoo with little gold flecks. Just ‘cuz.) I’m pretty sure most of his house is made of gold. Plus, every Sunday he gets a new infusion of cash from devoted followers, all over the world. That’s pretty nice, if you ask me.
PRESIDENT: The President of the United States makes an annual salary of $400,000. That’s it. $400k. If you can’t squeak by on $400 grand, a year, than ruling the free world is NOT the job for you. Sunday is just Sunday, if you are the President. There is no fresh infusion of cash. Plus, I’m pretty sure that his suits are not lined with gold. I also bet that the Vice-President would make fun of you if you wore robes. Not that it’s the best look, anyway. They are not flattering. That’s why only fat people wear them, usually. Nope. Gotta go with the suit and tie. Plus, it’s always gotta be dark. You would NEVER see a President wearing a red suit, with thin, royal blue stripes, and a white silk tie. Sharp? Without question. Presidential? Probably not.
EDGE: Pope. You literally have ALL GOD’S MONEY!!! How is that NOT good?
PERSONAL SECURITY:
POPE: The Pope’s personal security are the Swiss Guards. They dress in funny, almost comical uniforms, and are, as near as I can tell, Swiss. I don’t know about you, but I have been in a few violent situations in my life. Heck, I was in Los Angeles during the 1992 riots. There were military people everywhere, and we were warned to stay away from the windows of the building I was in. Do you know what I never heard ANYBODY say? I never heard anybody say: “We’re all doomed, unless we can get some Swiss guys down here, in funny outfits, to save the day!!!”
Now, I’m certain that several people were THINKING it. But, no one ever said it. And, I think that’s very telling. Don’t you?
PRESIDENT: The President, of course, has the Secret Service. Big guys, in dark suits, wearing sunglasses, and things in their ears. Then, if you’re lucky, you will see them talk into their watches, every so often. HOW FREAKING COOL IS THAT!?!! Do YOU have a watch that you can talk into? Me either. But, if I could get my hands on one, you better believe that I would. I don’t know who I would talk to, on it. My wife will not engage in such behaviors, and my so called “friends” think I’m just a “dork” because I would wanna “talk” to them on my super cool “spy watch,” which probably “explains” why I don’t “have” a lot of “friends” to begin with. But, really, if you’re cool enough to have a spy watch, you probably shouldn’t have many friends. You never know who to trust, anyway. Besides, who wants to be bothered by phone calls, and birthday cards……….sigh.
EDGE: This one is simple. Would YOU rather tell people that you were in the Secret Service (and have a cool spy watch), or that you dressed up like a clown, and were in the Swiss Guard? Exactly. This one goes to the President.
AUTOMOTIVE:
POPE: The Pope’s car is made by Volkswagen. It is white, is made by Volkswagen, has security windows all around, is made by Volkswagen, looks like something that Miss Turnip 2009 might be riding in during a parade, is made by Volkswagen, has a CD player, and, oh yeah, IT’S MADE BY VOLKSWAGEN!!!!! You would think that, with all God’s money (literally), he’d be able to swing a nicer ride. I’m just sayin’…..
PRESIDENT: The President’s car is a Cadillac, with 5-inch thick windows, is a Cadillac, it’s painted all black, is a Cadillac, could withstand an attack by a rocket launcher, and IS A FREAKING CADILLAC!!!! This car is so cool that I couldn’t even find out that much about it. I even used the internet. EVERYTHING is on the internet, and it’s all true. Usually, if it’s not on the internet, I simply assume that it does not exist. I know this does, though. I’ve seen it on TV.
EDGE: No one, in the history of mankind, has EVER come down to deciding between a VW and a Cadillac, and actually gone with the VW. We’ll continue that trend, here. Honestly, would you rather drive a Beetle, or an Escalade? Exactly……Unless, of course, you could make the Beetle look like Herbie. That would be kind of cool. But, that aside, I’m going with the President on this one.
NAME:
POPE: The Pope gets to choose his own name. How cool is that!?!! Plus, no matter what he decides to call himself, everyone else has to go along with it. Basically, because HE'S the Pope, and HE said so. That's why. Thus far, though, most of the Popes have chosen pretty lame names. Not lame, in general. Just lame because, well, the sky was the limit!! If you could choose ANY name, would you choose Benedict? Of course not. I rest my case. If it were me, I'd come up with a cool name.
Cardinal: And, what name have you chosen for yourself, your holiness?
Me: I wish to be called "Pope Zombie King: Ruler Of The Undead."
Cardinal: Pope Zombie King?
Me: And, I want you guys to play some of that "Darth Vader-ish" music whenever I walk into the room.
Cardinal: Uhhhhhhhhh........
Me: And, I want you to replace all the communion wine with Yoo-Hoo.
Cardinal: I...don't...think...that would work, actually.....
Me: Be gone!! I wish to roll around in my gold, Pope-ly robes, now.
There must be someone who gives the current Popes a list of names to choose from. Because, if there wasn't, I'll bet the would come up with better stuff.
President: As President you "get" to keep your own name. I mean, that's all good and well. But, President Obama isn't exactly the coolest name I've ever heard. Given his choice, I'm certain he could do better.
Female Newscaster: Today, in Washington, President Vampire Assassin met with congressional leaders to discuss the economic failout package.....
Yes.....Yes He Can!!
EDGE: The Pope......For all the stated reasons, and so much more.
POWER:
POPE: The Pope is in charge of all the world’s Catholics. If they don’t listen to him, though, really nothing happens. Theoretically, I suppose, they will go to Hell. While, you are expected to listen to the Pope, and do what he says, there is no “Pope Squad” that is going to come swooping in, like a SWAT team, if you happen to be sitting there coveting your neighbor’s wife. He doesn’t even have a REAL army. He’s got those Swiss guys. But, seriously, if you have a chance, see if you can find a picture of one of them, online. While they may REPRESENT God, they aren’t putting the FEAR of God into anyone.
PRESIDENT: Two words: Nuclear Missile. The President has them. He has the codes. If he tells someone to “initiate the launch sequence,” they have to do it. Do you know why? Because he’s the President, and he said so. And, who likes Canada, anyway? It’s about time we wiped it out, if you ask me. Not that you were. But, if you had……
Plus, if you don’t do things that the President tells you to do, you won’t find a herd of girly Swiss men, in funny outfits, knocking on your door. You might get the cops, or the marines, or even worse, the IRS. So, if the President says it, you better do it.
EDGE: While he may not be speaking for God, clearly the President has the edge, here. Factor this is, as well. Chicks dig power. While both the Pope and the President have it, only one of them can have it manifest itself into the attention of beautiful women. That would be the President. Being the Pope is the romantic equivalent of a girl telling you that they just want to be friends. In short, the Pope has a nice personality, if you know what I mean.
So, after making my list, it is clear that President is the way to go, for me. The power, the clothes, the respect. It all screams: CASEY. Don’t you think? Me, too.
Now, all I have to do is decide what the best way to become President is. As a radio talk show host, I don’t think I’m any closer than 17th in the line of succession. So, barring some horrible disaster, I don’t see that happening. I could run for the job. But, Obama JUST got there, and he hasn’t had time to screw anything up, yet. Plus, I’d have to wait for four whole years.
What to do?
What to do?
Maybe I should make a list. That might help.
In the meantime, if you hear of any countries who are looking for a President, let me know. I’d even be willing to ride around in a VW, providing I could make it look like Herbie.
I’m not giving up the Yoo-Hoo, though. THAT is a deal breaker.
Casey
Monday, January 26, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
Monkey Boy/Cookie Barron
Everybody always talks about the benefits of being an adult WITHOUT children. You get to go to all the movies (which you never do), you get to go to all the concerts (which you never do), and you get to make wild, monkey love all over the house, no matter what time of day, and not worry about getting caught. (I don't know about you, but I've never done this. Though, I have been told I sounded like a monkey, during sex. I don't know if that's a good thing or not.)
But, you never hear ANYBODY talk about the joys of having the children WITHOUT the parents. The benefits, of course, would be for the rest of us. Not the children themselves. I'm guessing that, without the parents, the kids would starve, and cry, and spend too much time on the internet. There would be inquiries. If society has proven anything to us, it is that inquiries lead to no good.
Now that my daughter is at the age where she spends some of her time in groups, with other children, I am forced to spend some of my time in groups, with their parents.
This, too, often leads to no good.
At her basketball practice, there is one particular bonehead who believes that he is a surogate coach, and offers unsolicited advice to all the parents about how thier kid could be better.
Annoying Father: Spenser needs to keep her hands up.
Me: She's doing okay.
Annoying Father: Like this (as he procedes to put his hands up, as he wants my daughter to do.)
Me: Thanks. We'll work on that.
Annoying Father: She needs to get her legs set, too.
Me: Go away.
Annoying Father: Like this (as he gets his legs set.)
Me: I hate you.
Annoying Father: Then, she needs to slide, side to side.
Me: Die.
Annoying Father: Like this (sliding back and forth in front of me.)
Me: Why did anybody EVER let you reproduce with them.
Annoying Father: I don't sound like a monkey, in bed.
Me: I....Wait....Shut-up.
Then, I get a nice, long lecture about how his daughter (who I pretty sure I saw eat paste) is going for a basketball scholarship (I'm not making that up.)
The girls are 8.
While I'm pretty sure that the NBA is drafting 8 year olds, these days, I'm equally certain that most colleges ARE NOT offering them scholarships.
Most of the time I just think it would be better if all the OTHER parents weren't there. Of course, were that the case, I would probably have to answer a lot of questions about why I was the lone adult, watching a basketball practice, consisting entirely of 8 year old girls. Might be better if I just put on my ipod, and tried to ignore everybody else.
My point is that I never wanted to be one of THOSE parents. I wanted to enjoy watching my little girl do her thing, good or bad, and then be proud of her no matter what. Truth be told, Spenser's biggest concern as far as basketball goes was what color to paint her nails. When she is the home team, her jersey is red. Therefore, the nails must be red. When she is the visiting team, her jersey is white. Therefore, her nails must be....pink.......Don't ask.
Spenser: Are we home or visitors?
Me: It doesn't matter. We're late. Let's go.
Spenser: I have to paint my nails!!!
Me: You can't. We're late.
Spenser: DADDY!!!
Me: WE'RE LATE!!!
Spenser: DADDY!!!!
Me: LET'S GO!!!
Spenser: DADDY!!!
ME: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Spenser: DADDY!!!!
Me: HOME!!! RED!!!
Spenser: Thank you.
Me: Don't forget to put your hands up.
Spenser: No. They'll throw me the ball, and scratch my nail polish.
Me: Oh......Right.
Sadly, though, we have reached Girl Scout Cookie season. While I can ignore the OTHER parents, for sports. I cannot allow them to have any sort of cookie superiority. For years, I have not been able, for various reasons, to help the kid out. This year, though, we are going to divide and conquer. I am finding that the Girl Scout parents are every bit as annoying as the basketball parents. For this reason alone, they must be destroyed.
Mother: We're going to sell cookies, this weekend.
Me: Us, too.
Mother (narrowing eyes): Where are you gonna go?
Me (narrwoing eyes back): Oh, here and there. You?
Mother: Same.
Me: What day?
Mother: Sunday. You?
Me: Tonight, tomorrow, AND Sunday.
Mother (dejected): We can't. Our other daughter has dance. God, I hate her.
Me: HA!!!! FACE!!!!!! HAD TO HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS, HUH!?!! HAHAHA!!!! ONE, UNPLANNED MOMENT OF PASSION, AND I AM THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE KING!!!!!! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!!
Mother: I hear you sound like a monkey, in bed.
Me: I.....Wait.....Seriously....Shut-up.....That is so not cool.
So, this weekend, I will be out and about, dragging my daughter behind (green nail polish), and becoming the Girl Scout Cookie King of The East Coast.
You'll know me, if you see me. I sound like a monkey.
Casey
But, you never hear ANYBODY talk about the joys of having the children WITHOUT the parents. The benefits, of course, would be for the rest of us. Not the children themselves. I'm guessing that, without the parents, the kids would starve, and cry, and spend too much time on the internet. There would be inquiries. If society has proven anything to us, it is that inquiries lead to no good.
Now that my daughter is at the age where she spends some of her time in groups, with other children, I am forced to spend some of my time in groups, with their parents.
This, too, often leads to no good.
At her basketball practice, there is one particular bonehead who believes that he is a surogate coach, and offers unsolicited advice to all the parents about how thier kid could be better.
Annoying Father: Spenser needs to keep her hands up.
Me: She's doing okay.
Annoying Father: Like this (as he procedes to put his hands up, as he wants my daughter to do.)
Me: Thanks. We'll work on that.
Annoying Father: She needs to get her legs set, too.
Me: Go away.
Annoying Father: Like this (as he gets his legs set.)
Me: I hate you.
Annoying Father: Then, she needs to slide, side to side.
Me: Die.
Annoying Father: Like this (sliding back and forth in front of me.)
Me: Why did anybody EVER let you reproduce with them.
Annoying Father: I don't sound like a monkey, in bed.
Me: I....Wait....Shut-up.
Then, I get a nice, long lecture about how his daughter (who I pretty sure I saw eat paste) is going for a basketball scholarship (I'm not making that up.)
The girls are 8.
While I'm pretty sure that the NBA is drafting 8 year olds, these days, I'm equally certain that most colleges ARE NOT offering them scholarships.
Most of the time I just think it would be better if all the OTHER parents weren't there. Of course, were that the case, I would probably have to answer a lot of questions about why I was the lone adult, watching a basketball practice, consisting entirely of 8 year old girls. Might be better if I just put on my ipod, and tried to ignore everybody else.
My point is that I never wanted to be one of THOSE parents. I wanted to enjoy watching my little girl do her thing, good or bad, and then be proud of her no matter what. Truth be told, Spenser's biggest concern as far as basketball goes was what color to paint her nails. When she is the home team, her jersey is red. Therefore, the nails must be red. When she is the visiting team, her jersey is white. Therefore, her nails must be....pink.......Don't ask.
Spenser: Are we home or visitors?
Me: It doesn't matter. We're late. Let's go.
Spenser: I have to paint my nails!!!
Me: You can't. We're late.
Spenser: DADDY!!!
Me: WE'RE LATE!!!
Spenser: DADDY!!!!
Me: LET'S GO!!!
Spenser: DADDY!!!
ME: AAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Spenser: DADDY!!!!
Me: HOME!!! RED!!!
Spenser: Thank you.
Me: Don't forget to put your hands up.
Spenser: No. They'll throw me the ball, and scratch my nail polish.
Me: Oh......Right.
Sadly, though, we have reached Girl Scout Cookie season. While I can ignore the OTHER parents, for sports. I cannot allow them to have any sort of cookie superiority. For years, I have not been able, for various reasons, to help the kid out. This year, though, we are going to divide and conquer. I am finding that the Girl Scout parents are every bit as annoying as the basketball parents. For this reason alone, they must be destroyed.
Mother: We're going to sell cookies, this weekend.
Me: Us, too.
Mother (narrowing eyes): Where are you gonna go?
Me (narrwoing eyes back): Oh, here and there. You?
Mother: Same.
Me: What day?
Mother: Sunday. You?
Me: Tonight, tomorrow, AND Sunday.
Mother (dejected): We can't. Our other daughter has dance. God, I hate her.
Me: HA!!!! FACE!!!!!! HAD TO HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS, HUH!?!! HAHAHA!!!! ONE, UNPLANNED MOMENT OF PASSION, AND I AM THE GIRL SCOUT COOKIE KING!!!!!! BWAH-HA-HA-HA!!!!
Mother: I hear you sound like a monkey, in bed.
Me: I.....Wait.....Seriously....Shut-up.....That is so not cool.
So, this weekend, I will be out and about, dragging my daughter behind (green nail polish), and becoming the Girl Scout Cookie King of The East Coast.
You'll know me, if you see me. I sound like a monkey.
Casey
Monday, January 19, 2009
The Kingdom Of The Pink Shirt
Like many of you, I spent my Sunday with a bag of chips, a bottle of beer, and my best friends surrounding me, so that I could watch the football game. Thrusting my fists into the air, and chest bumping those around me, in a primitive, manly display of camaraderie. We watched the various games, and the women folk sat in the kitchen and chatted, only venturing into our “man-cave” to make certain that our beer bottles were full, and our chips were plentiful. It was the way God intended things to be.
It was also a filthy lie.
Not me.
It’s what I would have WANTED to do. But, my friends wives wouldn’t let them come over, and my wife didn’t want a bunch of screaming, crying men over at the house.
So, I watched the games with a box of reduced fat Cheez-Its, and a bottle of diet pepsi. I also had to do it in the room with the smaller TV. You see, there was this HGTV show on, about remodeling your bathroom, and my wife really wanted to watch it. So, you know….I went into the other room. It was still cool, though. If I sat really close, it LOOKED like a big screen. It’s a small victory. But, I’ll take ‘em where I can get ‘em.
I also had to do one other thing, while I was watching the game(s). It’s a small thing, that’s hardly worth mentioning. Honestly, I hesitate to even bring it up…….
I had to fold clothes.
I don’t ever recall my father having to fold clothes while HE was watching the football games. In fact, I don’t recall my father EVER getting off the couch, for ANYTHING.
I’m gonna go ahead and blame women for this. You see, something odd has happened over the years between my dad growing up, and me growing up. Women, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, but women got all uppity.
My father has NEVER folded an article of clothing. I doubt he even knows HOW the clothes get folded. He probably thinks it gets done by the “Mystical Clothes Fairy.” Never heard of her? I’m guessing she’s the same one that my dad thinks washes the clothes, because he’s NEVER done that, either.
Not his youngest son.
Nope.
Not only do I wash AND fold clothes, but I have been known to iron them. Though, I have found that an easy way to get out of ironing clothes is to occasionally burn something. While your wife may TELL you that she doesn’t care what you look like when you go out, the truth is that she doesn’t want people knowing that she’s married to some bonehead who A) burns his clothes, and B) wears them, anyway. So, 7 times out of 10, you can get her to iron your shirt.
The problem is not so much that women got “uppity.” As the father of a daughter, I don’t want her scurrying all over the house, obsessed with the cleanliness of her bathroom, and waiting on some schlub, who still thinks that fire is something the gods do when they’re angry. No, I want my daughter to be one of those modern women, and I want whatever Neanderthal she ends up with to worship the ground she walks on. If he doesn’t, he’ll disappear. Poof! Just like that. It’s a big ocean, you know. People get lost. Happens every day. Sad, really. Someone drinks a little too much, decides to go for a swim in the ocean, and nobody ever sees or hears from them, again. It’s a tragedy, is what it is.
But, that’s neither here nor there.
The REAL problem is that, while they were teaching girls that they could be more than just housewives, they forgot to teach us boys how to fold clothes, and do laundry, and iron, and work that big thing in the kitchen that makes stuff hot.
And, let me tell you exactly what happens when you DON'T teach boys how to do these things. You get pink clothes.
Early on in my laundry-doing career, I was unfamiliar with the act of "sorting" clothes. This is where you take clothes of one color, and clothes of another color, and place them into different piles. Then, you wash ONLY ONE of these piles. The other pile, you place in a bag, throw in the trunk of your car, drive 20 miles in any direction, stop at a random house, and ask them if you can wash your bag of clothes in their machine. In this way, you will NEVER run the risk of washing a red shirt with a white shirt, thus creating a pink shirt.
It ain't pretty.
My wife: Why are you wearing a pink shirt?
Me: It used to be a white shirt.
My wife: HA-HA-HA!!!! You're dumb.
Me: Shut-up.
My Wife: Why are your socks blue?
Me: I washed them with my jeans.
My Wife: HA-HA-HA!!!! You're......
Me: Shut-up.
Such is my life.
But, then it gets worse. Just when you think you've figured out the complex formula for separating your clothes, they throw you a curve.
Tell me, ANYBODY, exactly WHAT pile does a red and white stripped shirt go into???
I'd really like to know.
AND, how come the red stripes don't turn the white stripes pink, but if I wash it with other white things I get a load of newly pink clothes!?!!!
What the heck!?!!
How do I NOT get a pink and red stripped shirt?
Is this some kind of magic shirt?
It goes against all the laws of physics, and other science-y things.
Look, I'm not saying that I wanna go back to caveman days, where the woman stays in the cave, while I go out and hunt. I'm just saying that, if we're going to teach young girls how to be corporate raiders, we need to start teaching young boys how to keep the reds and the whites away from each other.
If we don't, we're going to have a society filled with very successful, businesswomen. But, it will also be filled with lots of sad looking, overweight men wearing burn marked, pink clothes, with blue socks.
THAT'S the future that I see.....And it's not pretty.
Now, if anyone could get back to me on that whole "striped shirt" thing, I'd appreciate it.
Casey
It was also a filthy lie.
Not me.
It’s what I would have WANTED to do. But, my friends wives wouldn’t let them come over, and my wife didn’t want a bunch of screaming, crying men over at the house.
So, I watched the games with a box of reduced fat Cheez-Its, and a bottle of diet pepsi. I also had to do it in the room with the smaller TV. You see, there was this HGTV show on, about remodeling your bathroom, and my wife really wanted to watch it. So, you know….I went into the other room. It was still cool, though. If I sat really close, it LOOKED like a big screen. It’s a small victory. But, I’ll take ‘em where I can get ‘em.
I also had to do one other thing, while I was watching the game(s). It’s a small thing, that’s hardly worth mentioning. Honestly, I hesitate to even bring it up…….
I had to fold clothes.
I don’t ever recall my father having to fold clothes while HE was watching the football games. In fact, I don’t recall my father EVER getting off the couch, for ANYTHING.
I’m gonna go ahead and blame women for this. You see, something odd has happened over the years between my dad growing up, and me growing up. Women, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, but women got all uppity.
My father has NEVER folded an article of clothing. I doubt he even knows HOW the clothes get folded. He probably thinks it gets done by the “Mystical Clothes Fairy.” Never heard of her? I’m guessing she’s the same one that my dad thinks washes the clothes, because he’s NEVER done that, either.
Not his youngest son.
Nope.
Not only do I wash AND fold clothes, but I have been known to iron them. Though, I have found that an easy way to get out of ironing clothes is to occasionally burn something. While your wife may TELL you that she doesn’t care what you look like when you go out, the truth is that she doesn’t want people knowing that she’s married to some bonehead who A) burns his clothes, and B) wears them, anyway. So, 7 times out of 10, you can get her to iron your shirt.
The problem is not so much that women got “uppity.” As the father of a daughter, I don’t want her scurrying all over the house, obsessed with the cleanliness of her bathroom, and waiting on some schlub, who still thinks that fire is something the gods do when they’re angry. No, I want my daughter to be one of those modern women, and I want whatever Neanderthal she ends up with to worship the ground she walks on. If he doesn’t, he’ll disappear. Poof! Just like that. It’s a big ocean, you know. People get lost. Happens every day. Sad, really. Someone drinks a little too much, decides to go for a swim in the ocean, and nobody ever sees or hears from them, again. It’s a tragedy, is what it is.
But, that’s neither here nor there.
The REAL problem is that, while they were teaching girls that they could be more than just housewives, they forgot to teach us boys how to fold clothes, and do laundry, and iron, and work that big thing in the kitchen that makes stuff hot.
And, let me tell you exactly what happens when you DON'T teach boys how to do these things. You get pink clothes.
Early on in my laundry-doing career, I was unfamiliar with the act of "sorting" clothes. This is where you take clothes of one color, and clothes of another color, and place them into different piles. Then, you wash ONLY ONE of these piles. The other pile, you place in a bag, throw in the trunk of your car, drive 20 miles in any direction, stop at a random house, and ask them if you can wash your bag of clothes in their machine. In this way, you will NEVER run the risk of washing a red shirt with a white shirt, thus creating a pink shirt.
It ain't pretty.
My wife: Why are you wearing a pink shirt?
Me: It used to be a white shirt.
My wife: HA-HA-HA!!!! You're dumb.
Me: Shut-up.
My Wife: Why are your socks blue?
Me: I washed them with my jeans.
My Wife: HA-HA-HA!!!! You're......
Me: Shut-up.
Such is my life.
But, then it gets worse. Just when you think you've figured out the complex formula for separating your clothes, they throw you a curve.
Tell me, ANYBODY, exactly WHAT pile does a red and white stripped shirt go into???
I'd really like to know.
AND, how come the red stripes don't turn the white stripes pink, but if I wash it with other white things I get a load of newly pink clothes!?!!!
What the heck!?!!
How do I NOT get a pink and red stripped shirt?
Is this some kind of magic shirt?
It goes against all the laws of physics, and other science-y things.
Look, I'm not saying that I wanna go back to caveman days, where the woman stays in the cave, while I go out and hunt. I'm just saying that, if we're going to teach young girls how to be corporate raiders, we need to start teaching young boys how to keep the reds and the whites away from each other.
If we don't, we're going to have a society filled with very successful, businesswomen. But, it will also be filled with lots of sad looking, overweight men wearing burn marked, pink clothes, with blue socks.
THAT'S the future that I see.....And it's not pretty.
Now, if anyone could get back to me on that whole "striped shirt" thing, I'd appreciate it.
Casey
Monday, January 5, 2009
Saving Money Is Going To Bankrupt Me
Saving Money Is Going To Bankrupt Me
I like to pride myself on NOT buying into hype, and not getting too excited about things that the media want me to get excited about. This is mainly for two reasons. One, I work in the media and I know how we tend to over dramatize things. Two, it is in my nature to be contrary. It’s why I make a good(ish) talk show host.
So, it is with much embarrassment that I tell you that I went a little crazy, trying to save money, at the grocery store, last night.
Like everyone else, I watch the news and I am now thoroughly convinced that I am A) unemployed, and B) an inner city, welfare mother, addicted to crack, with 4 children from various fathers, whose application for food stamps just got denied because I used them to try and buy cigarettes and beer, while turning to prostitution as my only means of existence.
How did my life turn out like this?
I went to college!!! And I only got kicked out twice!!!
Damn Republicarats!!!!
So, until Barack Obama comes along and waves his magic-economic-twinkle-stick-of-change to fix everything, and we all get puppies and ice cream, it looks like I’m going to have to make some changes.
Like many other people, I have turned to comparison shopping, and coupons. So, like many other people, I waste all the money I would have saved at the store, on gas, as I drive from store to store trying to save .00000000276% on my grocery bill.
I assure you that “obsession” is a fitting word. I found myself wondering around the store, saying things like:
“.79 cents a POUND!?!! Screw that!! It’s only .78 cents a pound at the other store. DO THEY THINK I’M SOME KIND OF FOOL!?!!”
Or:
“$3.98? For THAT!?!! RAT BASTARDS!!!!!”
Of course, many people stared at me because I was both muttering, and yelling at myself, while wondering around a food store, wearing a “Kermit The Frog” hat. Apparently, this behavior has been deemed “odd” by some people. Go figure.
Another interesting thing about my current obsession with saving money, is that it’s actually causing me to spend MORE money.
Yup.
You see, I am broke, because the house that I paid $388,000 (which I did not have) for, is now worth approximately $2.74 (financed over 30 years at 5 ½% FIXED.) So, I have no money. Obviously, this is causing me to spend MORE money.
This is due to the fact that I am now using coupons.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Work is really slow, which is why I have all this extra time to read Casey’s pointless blog.” But, you’re also thinking, “How can this bonehead manage to spend MORE money if he’s using coupons? What an idiot. His mother must have been smoking ground up tire treads when she was pregnant with him.”
I get a lot of that.
Let me explain.
You see, the coupons are forcing me, against my will, to buy things that I don’t actually need, for the simple reason that I HAVE A COUPON FOR THAT!!!!!
So, as I wonder through the store, buying things I don’t need, or like.
I don’t NEED eggs, but I have a coupon. So, I actually lose money, because they sit in my refrigerator, and go bad because I didn’t need them in the first place.
I don’t even LIKE pimento loaf. But, I bought it, because I had a coupon. Now it, too, will sit around and go bad.
I didn’t NEED that 17 year old, Vietnamese girl. But, I HAD A COUPON!!! Now, she’s gonna sit in my cupboard, and go bad.
You get the gist.
Personally, I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, there are no economic problems. That this was all started by the giant, monolithic, supermarket conglomerates in order to convince us to spend MORE money, by using coupons. Sadly, we have all fallen for it.
So, I end up spending more money on things, because a tiny piece of paper tells me that I can save 30 cents on it. All the money I saved ended up costing me about $40.
For an unemployed, crack addicted, welfare mother this is not a good sign.
I think I need help.
Casey
I like to pride myself on NOT buying into hype, and not getting too excited about things that the media want me to get excited about. This is mainly for two reasons. One, I work in the media and I know how we tend to over dramatize things. Two, it is in my nature to be contrary. It’s why I make a good(ish) talk show host.
So, it is with much embarrassment that I tell you that I went a little crazy, trying to save money, at the grocery store, last night.
Like everyone else, I watch the news and I am now thoroughly convinced that I am A) unemployed, and B) an inner city, welfare mother, addicted to crack, with 4 children from various fathers, whose application for food stamps just got denied because I used them to try and buy cigarettes and beer, while turning to prostitution as my only means of existence.
How did my life turn out like this?
I went to college!!! And I only got kicked out twice!!!
Damn Republicarats!!!!
So, until Barack Obama comes along and waves his magic-economic-twinkle-stick-of-change to fix everything, and we all get puppies and ice cream, it looks like I’m going to have to make some changes.
Like many other people, I have turned to comparison shopping, and coupons. So, like many other people, I waste all the money I would have saved at the store, on gas, as I drive from store to store trying to save .00000000276% on my grocery bill.
I assure you that “obsession” is a fitting word. I found myself wondering around the store, saying things like:
“.79 cents a POUND!?!! Screw that!! It’s only .78 cents a pound at the other store. DO THEY THINK I’M SOME KIND OF FOOL!?!!”
Or:
“$3.98? For THAT!?!! RAT BASTARDS!!!!!”
Of course, many people stared at me because I was both muttering, and yelling at myself, while wondering around a food store, wearing a “Kermit The Frog” hat. Apparently, this behavior has been deemed “odd” by some people. Go figure.
Another interesting thing about my current obsession with saving money, is that it’s actually causing me to spend MORE money.
Yup.
You see, I am broke, because the house that I paid $388,000 (which I did not have) for, is now worth approximately $2.74 (financed over 30 years at 5 ½% FIXED.) So, I have no money. Obviously, this is causing me to spend MORE money.
This is due to the fact that I am now using coupons.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Work is really slow, which is why I have all this extra time to read Casey’s pointless blog.” But, you’re also thinking, “How can this bonehead manage to spend MORE money if he’s using coupons? What an idiot. His mother must have been smoking ground up tire treads when she was pregnant with him.”
I get a lot of that.
Let me explain.
You see, the coupons are forcing me, against my will, to buy things that I don’t actually need, for the simple reason that I HAVE A COUPON FOR THAT!!!!!
So, as I wonder through the store, buying things I don’t need, or like.
I don’t NEED eggs, but I have a coupon. So, I actually lose money, because they sit in my refrigerator, and go bad because I didn’t need them in the first place.
I don’t even LIKE pimento loaf. But, I bought it, because I had a coupon. Now it, too, will sit around and go bad.
I didn’t NEED that 17 year old, Vietnamese girl. But, I HAD A COUPON!!! Now, she’s gonna sit in my cupboard, and go bad.
You get the gist.
Personally, I’m starting to think that maybe, just maybe, there are no economic problems. That this was all started by the giant, monolithic, supermarket conglomerates in order to convince us to spend MORE money, by using coupons. Sadly, we have all fallen for it.
So, I end up spending more money on things, because a tiny piece of paper tells me that I can save 30 cents on it. All the money I saved ended up costing me about $40.
For an unemployed, crack addicted, welfare mother this is not a good sign.
I think I need help.
Casey
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
It Was The Year That Was, The Year That Was
As we move from 2008 to 2009, I believe we should use this as a time of hope, and reflection. A time to learn from the mistakes of the previous year, and use our new wisdom to make the coming year one of shining optimism. Basically, we should take a moment to lie to ourselves about 2008, and fool ourselves into thinking about how good 2009 will be.
On that note, here are a few thoughts:
-If you thought the economy in 2008 was bad, just wait until you see 2009. There are two other types of mortgages that are going to, basically, collapse in the coming year. They are known as Alt-A’s, and Option Arms. Without getting too technical, these are loans that basically started off with the payment being at, say, $800. When the adjustment happens, many of these payments are going to, in some cases, nearly double. This hasn’t happened, yet, but it’s GOING to happen. When it does, things are going to get worse, not better.
-I didn’t vote for Barack Obama. I didn’t agree with nearly anything he was running on. That being said, we should all get 100% behind him. Things suck and they’re going to get, shall we say, suckier.
-According to Joe Biden, within the next 6 months the terrorists are going to do something to “test” our new President. I always hated tests. I’m not looking forward to this one.
-As he leaves office, I hope people will remember that Bush wasn’t nearly as bad of a President as the media allows you to believe. He tried to fix this mess, in ’03, but got blocked.
-Things will get worse before they get better. But, they will get better. “This, too, shall pass.”
-I lost 20 pounds, this year. I hope I don’t gain it back.
-Heath Ledger will probably win an Oscar. I saw the movie. He was okay. That’s what I think of him as an actor. He was okay. I hope they don’t reward him just because he was stupid enough to kill himself.
-Dane Cook is still not funny. I don’t know why people keep paying him to try.
-They didn’t think we would ever give up our cars. But, when gas went through the roof, people started driving less. Suck it, OPEC!!!
-I just can’t watch baseball, anymore. It’s boring, and takes too long.
-Basketball players look stupid in those long shorts.
-Having a pool is more trouble than it’s worth. Everyone told me, but I didn’t listen. You all win.
-Jessica Simpson has a nice body, but really isn’t very pretty. I think she has extra teeth. Creepy.
-I like country music more as I get older. But, I don’t drive a truck, and I refuse to hunt.
-I have a fake Christmas tree, and there are needles all over my carpet. What the hell!?!!
-I still drive a minivan. I’m 39. I think I need to have a mid-life crisis. If for no other reason, I want a better car.
-At this time next year, we will still be in Iraq. You see, it doesn’t matter who’s in charge. Things never really change.
-I’ve started taking my daughter to breakfast, every weekend. I know she’s only 8, but she’s getting older. Soon she won’t want to have breakfast with her old man. I want to cherish this time.
-Computers still break when I touch them. Maybe 2009 will be better for that.
-“Big Bang Theory” and “The Office” are the funniest shows on TV.
-I still enjoy “Heroes.”
-“Hannah Montana” is a funny show. I wouldn’t watch it if I didn’t have a young daughter. But, it’s still funny. I hope Miley Cyrus saves her money.
-In New Jersey, Governor Corzine will continue to do things that will screw things up in this state, for years and years to come. I think it’s his mission. He might be a pod person.
-The Beatles are still the best group, EVER!!! Nothing has changed. Probably never will.
-I’m going to write more, in 2009. It requires more discipline than I often have. But, I want to do it. So, if anyone would like to come over and discipline me, feel free. I need it.
-In 2008, I realized what I want. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. But, I know what it is. It’s good to have goals, I think.
Most importantly, for me, 2008 was the year that my son almost died. I blogged about that. If you want to go back and read it, you can. I’m not going to rehash it. It still hurts. I am haunted by the images of tiny babies, with tubes coming out of every part of their bodies. Thank God I was able to walk away from that. The economy can crumble, and the various wars can go on. I can’t control that. My boy is here, and he’s thriving. For that alone I will remember 2008 as a good year.
I only started this blog, this past year. Many people enjoy it, and some people hate it. Some find me mildly amusing, and some think I’m an untalented dweeb. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Either way, thank you for indulging me. I’ll continue to try and do whatever it is that I’m trying to do, in the new year. I hope you all stick with me.
In the meantime, I wish you all health and happiness in the coming year.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Casey
P.S. You have my permission to slug the people who say “See ya’ next year,” when you aren’t going to see them until after the 31st. I hate that.
On that note, here are a few thoughts:
-If you thought the economy in 2008 was bad, just wait until you see 2009. There are two other types of mortgages that are going to, basically, collapse in the coming year. They are known as Alt-A’s, and Option Arms. Without getting too technical, these are loans that basically started off with the payment being at, say, $800. When the adjustment happens, many of these payments are going to, in some cases, nearly double. This hasn’t happened, yet, but it’s GOING to happen. When it does, things are going to get worse, not better.
-I didn’t vote for Barack Obama. I didn’t agree with nearly anything he was running on. That being said, we should all get 100% behind him. Things suck and they’re going to get, shall we say, suckier.
-According to Joe Biden, within the next 6 months the terrorists are going to do something to “test” our new President. I always hated tests. I’m not looking forward to this one.
-As he leaves office, I hope people will remember that Bush wasn’t nearly as bad of a President as the media allows you to believe. He tried to fix this mess, in ’03, but got blocked.
-Things will get worse before they get better. But, they will get better. “This, too, shall pass.”
-I lost 20 pounds, this year. I hope I don’t gain it back.
-Heath Ledger will probably win an Oscar. I saw the movie. He was okay. That’s what I think of him as an actor. He was okay. I hope they don’t reward him just because he was stupid enough to kill himself.
-Dane Cook is still not funny. I don’t know why people keep paying him to try.
-They didn’t think we would ever give up our cars. But, when gas went through the roof, people started driving less. Suck it, OPEC!!!
-I just can’t watch baseball, anymore. It’s boring, and takes too long.
-Basketball players look stupid in those long shorts.
-Having a pool is more trouble than it’s worth. Everyone told me, but I didn’t listen. You all win.
-Jessica Simpson has a nice body, but really isn’t very pretty. I think she has extra teeth. Creepy.
-I like country music more as I get older. But, I don’t drive a truck, and I refuse to hunt.
-I have a fake Christmas tree, and there are needles all over my carpet. What the hell!?!!
-I still drive a minivan. I’m 39. I think I need to have a mid-life crisis. If for no other reason, I want a better car.
-At this time next year, we will still be in Iraq. You see, it doesn’t matter who’s in charge. Things never really change.
-I’ve started taking my daughter to breakfast, every weekend. I know she’s only 8, but she’s getting older. Soon she won’t want to have breakfast with her old man. I want to cherish this time.
-Computers still break when I touch them. Maybe 2009 will be better for that.
-“Big Bang Theory” and “The Office” are the funniest shows on TV.
-I still enjoy “Heroes.”
-“Hannah Montana” is a funny show. I wouldn’t watch it if I didn’t have a young daughter. But, it’s still funny. I hope Miley Cyrus saves her money.
-In New Jersey, Governor Corzine will continue to do things that will screw things up in this state, for years and years to come. I think it’s his mission. He might be a pod person.
-The Beatles are still the best group, EVER!!! Nothing has changed. Probably never will.
-I’m going to write more, in 2009. It requires more discipline than I often have. But, I want to do it. So, if anyone would like to come over and discipline me, feel free. I need it.
-In 2008, I realized what I want. I don’t know if I’ll ever get it. But, I know what it is. It’s good to have goals, I think.
Most importantly, for me, 2008 was the year that my son almost died. I blogged about that. If you want to go back and read it, you can. I’m not going to rehash it. It still hurts. I am haunted by the images of tiny babies, with tubes coming out of every part of their bodies. Thank God I was able to walk away from that. The economy can crumble, and the various wars can go on. I can’t control that. My boy is here, and he’s thriving. For that alone I will remember 2008 as a good year.
I only started this blog, this past year. Many people enjoy it, and some people hate it. Some find me mildly amusing, and some think I’m an untalented dweeb. The truth is probably somewhere in the middle. Either way, thank you for indulging me. I’ll continue to try and do whatever it is that I’m trying to do, in the new year. I hope you all stick with me.
In the meantime, I wish you all health and happiness in the coming year.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Casey
P.S. You have my permission to slug the people who say “See ya’ next year,” when you aren’t going to see them until after the 31st. I hate that.
Friday, December 5, 2008
A Continuing Study Into My Short Comings As A Human
As we have established many times on this blog, "handy" is not a word that would be used to describe me.
You want proof?
One of my current "projects" is to open a dresser drawer. That's it. The dresser drawer is closed, and I need to figure out how to get it opened.
Simple, right?
FOOL!!!!!
I can't figure out how to do it.
I pulled it. Then, I pulled it some more. THEN, I pulled it REALLY hard.
Nothing.
I pulled all the other drawers out. I crawled inside, with a flashlight, to see if something were jammed in it. I saw nothing. I even tried to do that Fonzie thing, where I just pound on the top of the dresser with my fist, and all the drawers would slide open. All I accoplished was hurting my hand.
So, you'd probably think that EVEN I could handle something as simple as opening a dresser drawer. Well, you'd be wrong. I can't.
The best part about it is that when my wife finally gave up on me, which happens sooner and sooner with each event, she had to call people and TELL them that I couldn't get the drawer open. Now, as I write this, I'm waiting for large men to come to my house and deliver the replacement dresser. I will have to tell them, too, that I could not get the drawer open. They will look at me. They will smile. Then, using their thumb and forefinger, will deilcatley pull on the handle, and the drawer will slide open. Then, they will laugh at me.
Trust me. I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends.
It probably doesn't help my cause, any, that I shaved my beard off, this past week. At least I looked hard and rugged. Now, I look more like the frightened mug shot of the guy who got arrested for stealing women's panties out of the laundry room.
Not much I can do about that. I'm just playin' the hand God dealt me.
So, in order to try and regain the "Man Of The House" tag, that I am rapidly losing to my 7-month old son, I MIGHT attempt to put up my Christmas lights, this weekend.
This was easier in the old days. The days when I lived in ranch style houses, and the ground was nearly as far away. I didn't even have to get all the way up on the ladder. I'd just go half-way up, attach the lights, and I was done.
There was the one time that I tried to get cute, and I actually fell off the roof. More like "slid" off the roof, really. I was on the roof, of my not-to-high ranch house, doing my best impression of Clark Griswald, trying to make my hosue visible from Mars, when all of a sudden I started sliding. Slowly, at first. Then, progressively faster. I was flaying my arms about, trying to grab something, ANYTHING, to keep my self from going over the side. But, as I discovered, there is not much on your average roof to grab.
I tried rolling.....All I did was start sliding at an angle.
I tried laying flat....Kept sliding.
I tried sitting up....Still sliding.
I tried kicking my feet (it was every bit as comical as it sounds).....More sliding.
Finally, when I got to the edge, I put my feet down and jumped. You see, there was a planter filled with cactus (honest!) down below, and I didn't want to land in the cactus. My life is a lot of things. I DID NOT want it to become a Road Runner cartoon.
So, I jumped off the roof, and landed in the middle of my yard, messing up my leg and tearing the jacket I had on.
TA-DAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
True story. Not one of my proudest moments.
My current house has two stories. So, I will be forced to crawl up on the roof, and walk around, while I attach tiny, sparkling slights. It's also supposed to be especially cold. Which means, I won't even be able to wear gloves, because I'll be dealing with tiny lights.
It's a pretty safe bet that, if I even decide to do it, it will not end well for me. There will be no sliding, and jacket tearing. There will be falling, and skull cracking.
Even if I manage to get them up, without killing myself, I'll just have to go back up in 3 weeks, and tempt fate, again.
.......There was a brief pause, here. The guys just came with the new dresser. When they asked me what was wrong with the old one, I told them I couldn't get the drawer open.
They laughed.
Somewhere God is smiling.
Casey
You want proof?
One of my current "projects" is to open a dresser drawer. That's it. The dresser drawer is closed, and I need to figure out how to get it opened.
Simple, right?
FOOL!!!!!
I can't figure out how to do it.
I pulled it. Then, I pulled it some more. THEN, I pulled it REALLY hard.
Nothing.
I pulled all the other drawers out. I crawled inside, with a flashlight, to see if something were jammed in it. I saw nothing. I even tried to do that Fonzie thing, where I just pound on the top of the dresser with my fist, and all the drawers would slide open. All I accoplished was hurting my hand.
So, you'd probably think that EVEN I could handle something as simple as opening a dresser drawer. Well, you'd be wrong. I can't.
The best part about it is that when my wife finally gave up on me, which happens sooner and sooner with each event, she had to call people and TELL them that I couldn't get the drawer open. Now, as I write this, I'm waiting for large men to come to my house and deliver the replacement dresser. I will have to tell them, too, that I could not get the drawer open. They will look at me. They will smile. Then, using their thumb and forefinger, will deilcatley pull on the handle, and the drawer will slide open. Then, they will laugh at me.
Trust me. I've seen this movie before. I know how it ends.
It probably doesn't help my cause, any, that I shaved my beard off, this past week. At least I looked hard and rugged. Now, I look more like the frightened mug shot of the guy who got arrested for stealing women's panties out of the laundry room.
Not much I can do about that. I'm just playin' the hand God dealt me.
So, in order to try and regain the "Man Of The House" tag, that I am rapidly losing to my 7-month old son, I MIGHT attempt to put up my Christmas lights, this weekend.
This was easier in the old days. The days when I lived in ranch style houses, and the ground was nearly as far away. I didn't even have to get all the way up on the ladder. I'd just go half-way up, attach the lights, and I was done.
There was the one time that I tried to get cute, and I actually fell off the roof. More like "slid" off the roof, really. I was on the roof, of my not-to-high ranch house, doing my best impression of Clark Griswald, trying to make my hosue visible from Mars, when all of a sudden I started sliding. Slowly, at first. Then, progressively faster. I was flaying my arms about, trying to grab something, ANYTHING, to keep my self from going over the side. But, as I discovered, there is not much on your average roof to grab.
I tried rolling.....All I did was start sliding at an angle.
I tried laying flat....Kept sliding.
I tried sitting up....Still sliding.
I tried kicking my feet (it was every bit as comical as it sounds).....More sliding.
Finally, when I got to the edge, I put my feet down and jumped. You see, there was a planter filled with cactus (honest!) down below, and I didn't want to land in the cactus. My life is a lot of things. I DID NOT want it to become a Road Runner cartoon.
So, I jumped off the roof, and landed in the middle of my yard, messing up my leg and tearing the jacket I had on.
TA-DAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
True story. Not one of my proudest moments.
My current house has two stories. So, I will be forced to crawl up on the roof, and walk around, while I attach tiny, sparkling slights. It's also supposed to be especially cold. Which means, I won't even be able to wear gloves, because I'll be dealing with tiny lights.
It's a pretty safe bet that, if I even decide to do it, it will not end well for me. There will be no sliding, and jacket tearing. There will be falling, and skull cracking.
Even if I manage to get them up, without killing myself, I'll just have to go back up in 3 weeks, and tempt fate, again.
.......There was a brief pause, here. The guys just came with the new dresser. When they asked me what was wrong with the old one, I told them I couldn't get the drawer open.
They laughed.
Somewhere God is smiling.
Casey
Monday, December 1, 2008
The Christmas Killing Season Begins!!!
I've never LOVED going to Walmart. It's fine. But, I much prefer going to Target for all of my unnecessary shopping needs. However, while I never loved going there, I certainly never assumed that I was taking my life into my hands be making a visit.
Yet, this past week, on African American Friday, an innocent Walmart employee was killed, murdered some might say, by a large throng (that's the first time I have ever typed that word) of people obsessed with getting their hands on as many poorly constructed, plastic objects as they could.
Truthfully, is there ANYTHING at Walmart worth killing another human being over?
Sure, they sell Yoo-Hoo. As we all know, if you get in the way of someoene and their Yoo-Hoo, you get what you deserve. But, I was thinking more along the lines of a simple beating. I don't think I would kill someone who was delaying my purchase of the world's most perfect beverage........Of course, my fridge is safely stocked, with a week's supply. So, thankfully I don't have to make such decisions, yet..........Yet.
There was one thing, though I still don't believe it was worth killing a person over. You could get the Edward Norton version of "The Incredible Hulk" for a mere $9. Now, I like Edward Norton just fine. Like most people, I don't rush out and see his movies (The first rule of "Fight Club" is that not many people went to go see fight club.) Plus, he has kind of a lisp (yes he does....Infinity!!!), and I don't really see him as "The Hulk." Also, there were apparently creative differences over that movie that caused him to NOT promote it.
I know what you're thinking......
"What kind of 'creative differences' could they have over 'The Hulk?'"
Edward Norton: I think "Hulk" should be more of an "olive green."
Studio Head: No way. "Hulk" is CLEARLY more of a "hunter greenish" hue.
Edward Norton: Not if I'M "The Hulk".......I'll be in my trailor!!!!
Studio Head: Fine. "The Hulk's" not supposed to have a lisp, anyway.
Edward Norton: What!?!! HULK THMASH!!!!
Studio Head: See?
Edward Norton: Damn it.
So, people were willilng to kill a man, so that they would only have to pay $9 to see the olive-green-lisping "Hulk." Reason enough to kill? I think not.
He wasn't even a real employee.
He was a temp.
I'll be the real employees were cowering in the back, somewhere, terrified of the "classy" Walmart shoppers who were about to kick down the door, and kill everyone. I have no proof of this, but I bet that if we were able to obtain secret, "internal" memos from Walmart, they would not refer to them as "temporary employees." I'll bet they use the phrase, "human sacrifices."
Of course, I'm just speculating......A little.
On a side note, Judi Franco is no longer with New Jersey 101.5. Judi co-hosted the "Dennis and Judi" show for more than 11 years.
On top of being a co-worker, Judi is a dear friend of mine. When I left NJ 101.5, back in 2002, I never stopped talking to Judi. When I lost my job, she was always there, willing to talk to me, and offering support.
Honestly, a lot of people in radio are evil, nasty, backstabbing bastards. Judi is not like that. Although we kidded each other on the air, we are great friends, and I love her like a sister......Though, she did once invite me to her house, but neglected to tell me where it was. An oversight, I'm sure.
Judi's gonna do great. She's already got a bunch of things going on, and is gonna do fine. Michelle is a great host, and "Dennis and Michelle" are gonna do great.
But, I'm not someone who handles change, very well, and I can't help feeling a little off, today.
BEST OF LUCK, JUDI!!!!
I miss you already.
Casey
Yet, this past week, on African American Friday, an innocent Walmart employee was killed, murdered some might say, by a large throng (that's the first time I have ever typed that word) of people obsessed with getting their hands on as many poorly constructed, plastic objects as they could.
Truthfully, is there ANYTHING at Walmart worth killing another human being over?
Sure, they sell Yoo-Hoo. As we all know, if you get in the way of someoene and their Yoo-Hoo, you get what you deserve. But, I was thinking more along the lines of a simple beating. I don't think I would kill someone who was delaying my purchase of the world's most perfect beverage........Of course, my fridge is safely stocked, with a week's supply. So, thankfully I don't have to make such decisions, yet..........Yet.
There was one thing, though I still don't believe it was worth killing a person over. You could get the Edward Norton version of "The Incredible Hulk" for a mere $9. Now, I like Edward Norton just fine. Like most people, I don't rush out and see his movies (The first rule of "Fight Club" is that not many people went to go see fight club.) Plus, he has kind of a lisp (yes he does....Infinity!!!), and I don't really see him as "The Hulk." Also, there were apparently creative differences over that movie that caused him to NOT promote it.
I know what you're thinking......
"What kind of 'creative differences' could they have over 'The Hulk?'"
Edward Norton: I think "Hulk" should be more of an "olive green."
Studio Head: No way. "Hulk" is CLEARLY more of a "hunter greenish" hue.
Edward Norton: Not if I'M "The Hulk".......I'll be in my trailor!!!!
Studio Head: Fine. "The Hulk's" not supposed to have a lisp, anyway.
Edward Norton: What!?!! HULK THMASH!!!!
Studio Head: See?
Edward Norton: Damn it.
So, people were willilng to kill a man, so that they would only have to pay $9 to see the olive-green-lisping "Hulk." Reason enough to kill? I think not.
He wasn't even a real employee.
He was a temp.
I'll be the real employees were cowering in the back, somewhere, terrified of the "classy" Walmart shoppers who were about to kick down the door, and kill everyone. I have no proof of this, but I bet that if we were able to obtain secret, "internal" memos from Walmart, they would not refer to them as "temporary employees." I'll bet they use the phrase, "human sacrifices."
Of course, I'm just speculating......A little.
On a side note, Judi Franco is no longer with New Jersey 101.5. Judi co-hosted the "Dennis and Judi" show for more than 11 years.
On top of being a co-worker, Judi is a dear friend of mine. When I left NJ 101.5, back in 2002, I never stopped talking to Judi. When I lost my job, she was always there, willing to talk to me, and offering support.
Honestly, a lot of people in radio are evil, nasty, backstabbing bastards. Judi is not like that. Although we kidded each other on the air, we are great friends, and I love her like a sister......Though, she did once invite me to her house, but neglected to tell me where it was. An oversight, I'm sure.
Judi's gonna do great. She's already got a bunch of things going on, and is gonna do fine. Michelle is a great host, and "Dennis and Michelle" are gonna do great.
But, I'm not someone who handles change, very well, and I can't help feeling a little off, today.
BEST OF LUCK, JUDI!!!!
I miss you already.
Casey
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