I've never LOVED going to Walmart. It's fine. But, I much prefer going to Target for all of my unnecessary shopping needs. However, while I never loved going there, I certainly never assumed that I was taking my life into my hands be making a visit.
Yet, this past week, on African American Friday, an innocent Walmart employee was killed, murdered some might say, by a large throng (that's the first time I have ever typed that word) of people obsessed with getting their hands on as many poorly constructed, plastic objects as they could.
Truthfully, is there ANYTHING at Walmart worth killing another human being over?
Sure, they sell Yoo-Hoo. As we all know, if you get in the way of someoene and their Yoo-Hoo, you get what you deserve. But, I was thinking more along the lines of a simple beating. I don't think I would kill someone who was delaying my purchase of the world's most perfect beverage........Of course, my fridge is safely stocked, with a week's supply. So, thankfully I don't have to make such decisions, yet..........Yet.
There was one thing, though I still don't believe it was worth killing a person over. You could get the Edward Norton version of "The Incredible Hulk" for a mere $9. Now, I like Edward Norton just fine. Like most people, I don't rush out and see his movies (The first rule of "Fight Club" is that not many people went to go see fight club.) Plus, he has kind of a lisp (yes he does....Infinity!!!), and I don't really see him as "The Hulk." Also, there were apparently creative differences over that movie that caused him to NOT promote it.
I know what you're thinking......
"What kind of 'creative differences' could they have over 'The Hulk?'"
Edward Norton: I think "Hulk" should be more of an "olive green."
Studio Head: No way. "Hulk" is CLEARLY more of a "hunter greenish" hue.
Edward Norton: Not if I'M "The Hulk".......I'll be in my trailor!!!!
Studio Head: Fine. "The Hulk's" not supposed to have a lisp, anyway.
Edward Norton: What!?!! HULK THMASH!!!!
Studio Head: See?
Edward Norton: Damn it.
So, people were willilng to kill a man, so that they would only have to pay $9 to see the olive-green-lisping "Hulk." Reason enough to kill? I think not.
He wasn't even a real employee.
He was a temp.
I'll be the real employees were cowering in the back, somewhere, terrified of the "classy" Walmart shoppers who were about to kick down the door, and kill everyone. I have no proof of this, but I bet that if we were able to obtain secret, "internal" memos from Walmart, they would not refer to them as "temporary employees." I'll bet they use the phrase, "human sacrifices."
Of course, I'm just speculating......A little.
On a side note, Judi Franco is no longer with New Jersey 101.5. Judi co-hosted the "Dennis and Judi" show for more than 11 years.
On top of being a co-worker, Judi is a dear friend of mine. When I left NJ 101.5, back in 2002, I never stopped talking to Judi. When I lost my job, she was always there, willing to talk to me, and offering support.
Honestly, a lot of people in radio are evil, nasty, backstabbing bastards. Judi is not like that. Although we kidded each other on the air, we are great friends, and I love her like a sister......Though, she did once invite me to her house, but neglected to tell me where it was. An oversight, I'm sure.
Judi's gonna do great. She's already got a bunch of things going on, and is gonna do fine. Michelle is a great host, and "Dennis and Michelle" are gonna do great.
But, I'm not someone who handles change, very well, and I can't help feeling a little off, today.
BEST OF LUCK, JUDI!!!!
I miss you already.
Casey
Monday, December 1, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Thanksgiving IX: Charlie Brown's Revenge
Much to my shock, I came in late for the "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, the other night. I've always been a big fan of the Charlie Brown specials. I think it's because I relate to him, so well.
A) Many people tolerate me. But, I have few friends.
B) Bad things happen to me for seemingly no good reason.
C) That bitch next door NEVER lets me kick the football.
I was annoyed, though, when I tuned in and found that I had missed my traditional "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, and had to deal with what they call the "second half."
Most of the Charlie Brown specials are considered "classics," now. So, in order to cash in on that, the studio has taken to adding on the "second half." It's an updated portion, not nearly as good, that they slapped together in order to make more money off of it. They do the same thing with the Christmas and Valentine's Day specials.
SACRILEGE
So the other night, having missed the REAL special, I was forced to endure the "Charlie Brown" version of the Pilgrams coming over on the Mayflower.
Sure, there was death, disease, and famine. But, a few zesty quips from Lucy, and all was well.
In this special "the gang," if you will, and several adults came to the new world. That's another thing. These were adults who actually SPOKE!! Adults DON'T speak in the Peanuts cartoons. More Heresey!!! The adults are not only NOT supposed to be seen, but when they talk it is in a non-descript tone. Sort of how my wife sounds when she talks to me.
Anyway, in this new special, they all come to America, get sick, survive, and meet the indians. The indians, of course, are THRILLED to meet the creepy new people.
(I'm paraphrasing here)
Peanuts Guy: Wow, isn't the new world great!?!! And, look!! Here come some indians.
Indian Guy: Ugh! We-um welcome you-um to our land-um. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Well, that's just super special of you. Do you know anywhere that we could pick up some food, or something, for dinner?
Indian Guy: Ugh. We have-um no stores. But, we will help-um you to learn-um to grow heap big crops, to feed-um your people. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Gosh, you guys sure are nice. I think we should have some kind of party, where we can give thanks, and celebrate all this good will.
Indian Guy: Ugh.
Please note that this "special" made no mention of the pending slaughter that was to take place in the coming years. It also made being a pilgram, in the dead of winter, seem SLIGHTLY more problematic than a two-week vacation in Maui.
It was bland.
It was boring.
It was NOT what I wanted to see.
If you want to update Peanuts for a modern, "Grand Theft Auto" audience, and maintain a certain level of reality, I think it should have gone more like this.
Charlie Brown: Who the hell is that?
Linus: I think that's one of them indians.
Indian Guy: Hey, how you guys doin'? Just wanted to swing by, say hello, and welcome you all to the area.
Charlie Brown: You just came by to say "hi," huh?
Indian Guy: Yeah, you know....Oh....My wife put together this little basket for you guys. It's got some maze, and some hemp, and a little tobacco for the old peace pipe, if you know what I'm saying.
Charlie Brown (plunging a jagged rock into the indian's chest): DIE, YOU GODLESS, SAVAGE BASTARD!!!!!!!!
Linus: I don't think that's a very good idea, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown (ripping the indians heart out of his chest): TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE, SAVAGE!!!!!!
Linus: Good grief.
Lucy: Charlie Brown, you're a block head.
Charlie Brown (eating the now dead indians heart): I'M EATING HIS SOUL!!!!! I'M EATING HIS SAVAGE SOUL!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA!!!!!!
Peppermint Patty: Hey Marcy, while they're slaughtering the indians, and eating their souls, why don't you and me go out in the woods and explore some of these "not-so-veiled" feelings we've been having?
Marcy: Yes, sir.
Now, I'm not saying that that is the way that it SHOULD be. I'm just trying to think of a way to bring it into the 21st century. I want my children to have the same fondness and love, for the Peanuts specials, that I had growing up.
Is that so wrong?
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get back to work on my updated version of "The Grinch," where the Grinch rips off Cindy Lou Who's head, and drinks the still warm blood from her body.
I'm JUST trying to deal with reality, here, folks.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Casey
A) Many people tolerate me. But, I have few friends.
B) Bad things happen to me for seemingly no good reason.
C) That bitch next door NEVER lets me kick the football.
I was annoyed, though, when I tuned in and found that I had missed my traditional "Charlie Brown Thanksgiving" special, and had to deal with what they call the "second half."
Most of the Charlie Brown specials are considered "classics," now. So, in order to cash in on that, the studio has taken to adding on the "second half." It's an updated portion, not nearly as good, that they slapped together in order to make more money off of it. They do the same thing with the Christmas and Valentine's Day specials.
SACRILEGE
So the other night, having missed the REAL special, I was forced to endure the "Charlie Brown" version of the Pilgrams coming over on the Mayflower.
Sure, there was death, disease, and famine. But, a few zesty quips from Lucy, and all was well.
In this special "the gang," if you will, and several adults came to the new world. That's another thing. These were adults who actually SPOKE!! Adults DON'T speak in the Peanuts cartoons. More Heresey!!! The adults are not only NOT supposed to be seen, but when they talk it is in a non-descript tone. Sort of how my wife sounds when she talks to me.
Anyway, in this new special, they all come to America, get sick, survive, and meet the indians. The indians, of course, are THRILLED to meet the creepy new people.
(I'm paraphrasing here)
Peanuts Guy: Wow, isn't the new world great!?!! And, look!! Here come some indians.
Indian Guy: Ugh! We-um welcome you-um to our land-um. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Well, that's just super special of you. Do you know anywhere that we could pick up some food, or something, for dinner?
Indian Guy: Ugh. We have-um no stores. But, we will help-um you to learn-um to grow heap big crops, to feed-um your people. Ugh.
Peanuts Guy: Gosh, you guys sure are nice. I think we should have some kind of party, where we can give thanks, and celebrate all this good will.
Indian Guy: Ugh.
Please note that this "special" made no mention of the pending slaughter that was to take place in the coming years. It also made being a pilgram, in the dead of winter, seem SLIGHTLY more problematic than a two-week vacation in Maui.
It was bland.
It was boring.
It was NOT what I wanted to see.
If you want to update Peanuts for a modern, "Grand Theft Auto" audience, and maintain a certain level of reality, I think it should have gone more like this.
Charlie Brown: Who the hell is that?
Linus: I think that's one of them indians.
Indian Guy: Hey, how you guys doin'? Just wanted to swing by, say hello, and welcome you all to the area.
Charlie Brown: You just came by to say "hi," huh?
Indian Guy: Yeah, you know....Oh....My wife put together this little basket for you guys. It's got some maze, and some hemp, and a little tobacco for the old peace pipe, if you know what I'm saying.
Charlie Brown (plunging a jagged rock into the indian's chest): DIE, YOU GODLESS, SAVAGE BASTARD!!!!!!!!
Linus: I don't think that's a very good idea, Charlie Brown.
Charlie Brown (ripping the indians heart out of his chest): TODAY'S A GOOD DAY TO DIE, SAVAGE!!!!!!
Linus: Good grief.
Lucy: Charlie Brown, you're a block head.
Charlie Brown (eating the now dead indians heart): I'M EATING HIS SOUL!!!!! I'M EATING HIS SAVAGE SOUL!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH HA HA HA!!!!!!
Peppermint Patty: Hey Marcy, while they're slaughtering the indians, and eating their souls, why don't you and me go out in the woods and explore some of these "not-so-veiled" feelings we've been having?
Marcy: Yes, sir.
Now, I'm not saying that that is the way that it SHOULD be. I'm just trying to think of a way to bring it into the 21st century. I want my children to have the same fondness and love, for the Peanuts specials, that I had growing up.
Is that so wrong?
Now, if you will excuse me, I'm going to get back to work on my updated version of "The Grinch," where the Grinch rips off Cindy Lou Who's head, and drinks the still warm blood from her body.
I'm JUST trying to deal with reality, here, folks.
Happy Thanksgiving!!!
Casey
Friday, November 21, 2008
McDonald's: God's Food
As a parent, I can assure you that one of the biggest problems we face is getting our kids to eat properly. In the case of my son, at least, eating properly means putting the food in your mouth, and NOT your ear. Nothing good can come of that. Though, it is less fattening.
And, speaking of fattening foods, many of us who had children just so that we would have a little friend who wouldn't judge us, and were shocked to find out that we actually had to take care of them, will find solace in this news: McDonald's is now teaching moms about healthy foods.
Isn't that great?
I can hear fat parents, with their morbidly obese little snowflakes, breathing a heavy sigh of relief. Either that, or gasping for air. It's hard to tell with fat people.
Unfortunatley there is a catch.
McDonald's is not REALLY teaching moms about healthy foods. What they are doing is bringing a bunch of moms in, and trying to convince them that McDonald's food is actually VERY healthy.
You betcha!!
Any day, now, Whole Foods is gonna team up with Mickey D's, and start selling Chicken McNuggets in their frozen foods section.......Uh....Don't hold your breath on that one.
Debra DeMuth, McDonald's global nutrition director, has referred to french fries as.....get ready....."probably one of the most victimized foods."
Yep. Of course. Shame on us!! All of us!!! Victimizing the poor, helpless, innocent french fries......dripping in preservatives, and slathered in salt. How could we be such fools? Besides, where else are you gonna get your daily dose of sodium acid pyrophosphate?
Plus, we are told, french fries are also an excellent source of potassium. Of course, you could just eat a banana. But, now I'm just nit picking.
We are also told, and expected to get very excited by the fact that, Egg McMuffin's contain REAL EGGS!!!! Eggs are good, right? Everyone likes eggs. That's healthy, is what that is. Plus, when you slather said eggs with a healthy dose of high fructose corn syrup, it's eating the way God intended it to be.
I've been eating at McDonald's all my life. At this point, with all this helpful information, I'm surprised I've ever even gotten a cold, much less cholesterol levels that would kill the average elephant.
You're probably saying to yourself, "Casey, can the news about all this healthy food at McDonald's POSSIBLY get better?"
Good question.
The answer is, yes. It can, AND DOES.
You see, Miss DeMuth, the health expert from McDonald's, had one more little bombshell to drop on the mother's that came to hear her speech.
It seems that ALL the internet stories are false (which is sad because, if you can't believe what you read on the internet, what CAN you believe.) The fact of the matter is that Chicken McNuggets actually contain......Ready?...........CHICKEN!!!!!!
Now, of course, they also contain sodium phosphates, thiamin mononitrate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, sodium aluminum phosphate, monocalcium phosphate, and sweet, sweet dimethylpolysiloxane.
I know. I'm drooling a little bit myself.
So, parents, take heart. If you want to feed your kids a good, natural, healthy meal with things like potassium, eggs, and real chicken, all you have to do is take them to McDonald's.
They'll weigh 600 pounds, but at least they'll be eating healthy. And isn't that the important thing?
I like to think so.
Casey
And, speaking of fattening foods, many of us who had children just so that we would have a little friend who wouldn't judge us, and were shocked to find out that we actually had to take care of them, will find solace in this news: McDonald's is now teaching moms about healthy foods.
Isn't that great?
I can hear fat parents, with their morbidly obese little snowflakes, breathing a heavy sigh of relief. Either that, or gasping for air. It's hard to tell with fat people.
Unfortunatley there is a catch.
McDonald's is not REALLY teaching moms about healthy foods. What they are doing is bringing a bunch of moms in, and trying to convince them that McDonald's food is actually VERY healthy.
You betcha!!
Any day, now, Whole Foods is gonna team up with Mickey D's, and start selling Chicken McNuggets in their frozen foods section.......Uh....Don't hold your breath on that one.
Debra DeMuth, McDonald's global nutrition director, has referred to french fries as.....get ready....."probably one of the most victimized foods."
Yep. Of course. Shame on us!! All of us!!! Victimizing the poor, helpless, innocent french fries......dripping in preservatives, and slathered in salt. How could we be such fools? Besides, where else are you gonna get your daily dose of sodium acid pyrophosphate?
Plus, we are told, french fries are also an excellent source of potassium. Of course, you could just eat a banana. But, now I'm just nit picking.
We are also told, and expected to get very excited by the fact that, Egg McMuffin's contain REAL EGGS!!!! Eggs are good, right? Everyone likes eggs. That's healthy, is what that is. Plus, when you slather said eggs with a healthy dose of high fructose corn syrup, it's eating the way God intended it to be.
I've been eating at McDonald's all my life. At this point, with all this helpful information, I'm surprised I've ever even gotten a cold, much less cholesterol levels that would kill the average elephant.
You're probably saying to yourself, "Casey, can the news about all this healthy food at McDonald's POSSIBLY get better?"
Good question.
The answer is, yes. It can, AND DOES.
You see, Miss DeMuth, the health expert from McDonald's, had one more little bombshell to drop on the mother's that came to hear her speech.
It seems that ALL the internet stories are false (which is sad because, if you can't believe what you read on the internet, what CAN you believe.) The fact of the matter is that Chicken McNuggets actually contain......Ready?...........CHICKEN!!!!!!
Now, of course, they also contain sodium phosphates, thiamin mononitrate, sodium acid pyrophosphate, sodium aluminum phosphate, monocalcium phosphate, and sweet, sweet dimethylpolysiloxane.
I know. I'm drooling a little bit myself.
So, parents, take heart. If you want to feed your kids a good, natural, healthy meal with things like potassium, eggs, and real chicken, all you have to do is take them to McDonald's.
They'll weigh 600 pounds, but at least they'll be eating healthy. And isn't that the important thing?
I like to think so.
Casey
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I'm Gonna Put My Trash Can On A Milk Carton
Sometime, possibly in another life, I offended garbage men. Actually, I don't even thing that's the proper term, anymore. Perhaps, "Sanitation Maintenance Engineers" would be more fitting. I dunno.
Anyway, today was trash day in my little slice of suburban hell. So, last night I went outside, placed the lids tightly on my cans (hehe), and rolled them out to the curb. This morning, when I went outside, I found one of my cans (lol) across the street in the neighbor's yard. The lid was in my driveway. The other one of my cans (HA HA!!) was across my yard, with the lid in my next door neighbor's driveway.
This is not, at all, uncommon.
A few weeks ago I forgot to take the kitchen trash out (It's one of my chores.) So, when I heard the trash truck, I ran outside and tried to hand them my trash bag.
Me: Can I give you one more?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: No.
Me: Okay, well....Wait....No?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's gotta be in your can.
Me: Hehe
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...Uh....So, if I put it in my can (snicker), you'll take it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Possibly.
Me: Okay....Uhhhhh....Where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Your can?
Me: HAHA!!!
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...So, where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's two blocks over, that way.
Me: Oh...Uh...Good shot.
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: The wind was with us.
Me: Of course.
So, for whatever reason, they have made a nice little sport of spraying my cans (sorry) all over the place. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. Whatever it was, I didn't mean to. I'm just trying to throw my garbage away. I swear to God.
This also, by the way, extends to the recycle people. I had put some boxes out, two weeks ago, and when I woke up they were gone. I just assumed that they recycle people had taken them away, and made shirts, or something, out of them that former hippies will spend way too much money to buy in "the villiage," or something like that. But, when I went to rake leaves this past weekend, I found my boxes had been thrown on the side of my house. My neighbor suggested that it might have been because I didn't break them down.
Huh?
They were little, tiny, baby boxes. I gotta break those down, TOO!?!!! How come? Correct me if I'm wrong, but when they take them, they immediately place them inside of a giant compactor. Broken down, or not, I think the giant compactor is going to be able to handle the job. If it can't, they need to get their money back. And, even if they DO need to be broken down (and I'm conceeding nothing here), is it okay to hide them from me on the side of my house?
I think not.
Besides, take it from someone who has moved more times than I care to mention, breaking down boxes is a major pain. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a cardboard box? Bloody and painful. Not a pretty sight. They could make horror movies out of that kind of stuff.
But, fine. I can play by the rules. I can break down the boxes. I don't like it, but I'll do it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get my cans (LOL). There was a good wind, and I think they might be in Newark.
Casey
Anyway, today was trash day in my little slice of suburban hell. So, last night I went outside, placed the lids tightly on my cans (hehe), and rolled them out to the curb. This morning, when I went outside, I found one of my cans (lol) across the street in the neighbor's yard. The lid was in my driveway. The other one of my cans (HA HA!!) was across my yard, with the lid in my next door neighbor's driveway.
This is not, at all, uncommon.
A few weeks ago I forgot to take the kitchen trash out (It's one of my chores.) So, when I heard the trash truck, I ran outside and tried to hand them my trash bag.
Me: Can I give you one more?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: No.
Me: Okay, well....Wait....No?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's gotta be in your can.
Me: Hehe
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...Uh....So, if I put it in my can (snicker), you'll take it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Possibly.
Me: Okay....Uhhhhh....Where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: Your can?
Me: HAHA!!!
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: What?
Me: Nothing...So, where is it?
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: It's two blocks over, that way.
Me: Oh...Uh...Good shot.
Sanitation Maintenance Engineer: The wind was with us.
Me: Of course.
So, for whatever reason, they have made a nice little sport of spraying my cans (sorry) all over the place. I don't know why. I don't know what I did. Whatever it was, I didn't mean to. I'm just trying to throw my garbage away. I swear to God.
This also, by the way, extends to the recycle people. I had put some boxes out, two weeks ago, and when I woke up they were gone. I just assumed that they recycle people had taken them away, and made shirts, or something, out of them that former hippies will spend way too much money to buy in "the villiage," or something like that. But, when I went to rake leaves this past weekend, I found my boxes had been thrown on the side of my house. My neighbor suggested that it might have been because I didn't break them down.
Huh?
They were little, tiny, baby boxes. I gotta break those down, TOO!?!!! How come? Correct me if I'm wrong, but when they take them, they immediately place them inside of a giant compactor. Broken down, or not, I think the giant compactor is going to be able to handle the job. If it can't, they need to get their money back. And, even if they DO need to be broken down (and I'm conceeding nothing here), is it okay to hide them from me on the side of my house?
I think not.
Besides, take it from someone who has moved more times than I care to mention, breaking down boxes is a major pain. Have you ever gotten a paper cut from a cardboard box? Bloody and painful. Not a pretty sight. They could make horror movies out of that kind of stuff.
But, fine. I can play by the rules. I can break down the boxes. I don't like it, but I'll do it.
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go get my cans (LOL). There was a good wind, and I think they might be in Newark.
Casey
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
An Orange By Any Other Name.....
Everybody should vote.
There.
I said it.
Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.
Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.
For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.
You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.
But, I digress.
One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.
Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?
My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?
Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......
My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.
Me: Oh....How about blue?
My Wife: Shut up.
I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."
Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.
So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.
"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"
Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.
Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.
Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.
My Wife: Terracotta.
Me: Terra-whatta?
My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.
Me: Orange?
My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.
Me: You said it was like rust.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Which is orange.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: But, this is NOT orange.
My Wife: No.
Me: It's Terracotta.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: My head hurts.
My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.
Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?
My Wife: We're getting new countertops.
Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?
My Wife: I changed our mind.
Me: You changed OUR mind?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: That's how it works?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?
My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.
Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Man, that's cold.
My Wife: Deal with it.
So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.
The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.
Casey
There.
I said it.
Now, when I tell you that Barack Obama is going to win (though I am not voting for him,) and that things are going to stay pretty much the same, no matter what, you cannot accuse me of encouraging people not to vote. In fact, vote twice. Find some dead people who are still on the rolls, and vote on their behalf, too. That is, after all, how JFK got to be president. So, it's the American way, actually.
Anyway, there are FAR more important decisions to be made than who will be President. Things that will actually impact your life.....Okay....Maybe not YOUR life. But, mine. Since I am a child of the '80's, I'm the only one that I REALLY care about, anyway.
For instance, what color I'm going to be forced, against my will, to paint my kitchen.
You should know that my wife, who would do very well in the position of "Torture Coordinator" at Gitmo, has forced me to watch several hours of home design programming on stations like HGTV, and others. Not that I'm complaining. I think Sabrina Soto is hot. Plus, I would crawl naked, through the desert, over shards of broken glass, just to have Tanya Memme spit on me.
But, I digress.
One of the many things that I have learned by watching home and garden themed TV, is that you ALWAYS stay neutral. My wife shares this philosophy every time I want to paint a room a flashy color.
Me: Why don't we paint the spare bedroom red?
My Wife: Don't you pay any attention to the shows that I LET you watch?
Me: Well, I try and look down Tanya Memme's top.......
My Wife: If we paint the room red, then no one will want to buy our house when you inevitably lose THIS job. We'll be stuck with a house that would be otherwise perfect, but all the people who look at it will refer to it as "that house with the red room." They'll think we're trying to cover something up, like blood, and will assume that we murdered people here, and won't want to come within a hundred feet of our house. So, we'll be stuck here until we run out of money, which we will since you are not capable of getting a "real" job that would pay you a decent salary. That means that we'll be forclosed upon, and will have to move into a cheap room, in a motel, until MY MOTHER sends us the money to move to Missouri, and live in her basement. In the meantime, the bank will have someone come in and try and sell our former home, but they'll realize that they won't be able to, because there is an ugly, red, "murder room" upstairs. So, they'll have to tear the whole house down, and build a new one. This will cause problems for our neighbors, whose foundations will crack due to all the construction equipment that will be rumbling all over the place, during the new construction. When they go to sell THEIR homes an inspector will come in, see the cracks, and tell the buyers that they should back out due to the "structural damage." This will cause ALL of our neighbors to lose their homes, and since they don't have mother's, with basements, in Missouri they will end up living in boxes on the side of the rood. Once winter comes they, and their children, will all die. All because you wanted to paint the spare bedroom red.
Me: Oh....How about blue?
My Wife: Shut up.
I think they call that "The Butterfly Effect."
Anyway, it came as a HUGE shock to me, this past weekend, when my wife started peelign the ugly wallpaper off the kitchen walls. At this time I should point out that I HATE painting. I hate it with every fiber of my being. Now, while I hated the wallpaper (little blue and pink flowers), it was up. It was there. The walls were covered. Not the best, but I could live with it. Plus, if I hate anythmore MORE than painting, it would probably be peeling off wallpaper.
So, it came as a complete shock to me, Sunday, when I was minding my own business, watching a football game, when I heard tearing noises suddenly coming from my kitchen. When I got up to see what it was, I almost went postal.
"FOOL!!!!" I shouted. "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'VE DONE!?!! THIS IS WALLPAPER!!! ONCE IT IS PEELED, YOU CANNOT DE-PEEL IT!!! YOU HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE THING!!!"
Needless to say, this was an evil, and malicious act on the part of my wife. It seems that her intention ALL ALONG was to take down ALL the wallpaper. After 11 years of marriage, I really just don't recognize this woman, anymore.
Here's the worst part......Once you take down ALL the wallpaper, something needs to be done to the walls. Since my wife is, apparently, the daughter of Satan I assumed that she would want to hang MORE wallpaper. But, no. She has decided to paint.
Me: Uhhhh....What color do I have to paint it.
My Wife: Terracotta.
Me: Terra-whatta?
My Wife: Terracotta. It's like rust.
Me: Orange?
My Wife: (Sighing angrily) No. Not ORANGE.....Terracotta.
Me: You said it was like rust.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Which is orange.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: But, this is NOT orange.
My Wife: No.
Me: It's Terracotta.
My Wife: Yes.
Me: My head hurts.
My Wife: We have to paint it that color, so that it will match the new granite countertops.
Me: Oh. Well, if it'll match the new counterto....Wait.....What?
My Wife: We're getting new countertops.
Me: I thought we were getting a Mac?
My Wife: I changed our mind.
Me: You changed OUR mind?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: That's how it works?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Okay.....Uh....Isn't painting the walls orange going to kill all our neighbors, or something?
My Wife: Considering the circumstances, I found that to be an acceptable loss.
Me: So that the walls will match the countertops?
My Wife: Yes.
Me: Man, that's cold.
My Wife: Deal with it.
So, while you're all worried about who/what to vote for, and how it's going to affect the American way of life, I'm going to be putting on my painting clothes, at some point, and slathering paint on my walls, which will have a more direct impact on the housing impact, homelessness, and the local economy than ANYTHING that any of the boneheads running for office will.
The paint will be terracotta. Not, I repeat NOT orange. If you know what's good for you, you won't call it orange. She was willing to watch our own neighbors die. What makes you think she won't kill you?
Now, if you will excuse me, I need to go and google some pictures of Tanya Memme. Just 'cuz.
Casey
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Women Are Smarter, And Stuff.....
As if he doesn't have enough problems just BEING my son, there is a sexist move afoot to make my boy stupid.
When my daughter was born, my orders were very specific. "Don't talk to her like she's a baby. She'll be smarter, and develop a better vocabulary."
I had to use specific definitions of words, so that she would not only know WHAT I was talking about, but would also understand what it WAS that I was talking about, while she was spitting up all over herself. So, if the dog came into the room, I couldn't just say it was the dog. I had to be descriptive.
Me: Oh look, honey. It's the highly variable domestic animal, closely related to the Gray Wolf, that we call Lucy.
My Daughter: Gooooooo....
In this way my daughter allegedly became HIGHLY intelligent to the point that, when she went outside the other day, she had her shorts on backwards.
Nice.
There is no such effort being made with my son. It seems a little early, to me, to throw in the towel on the boy. He's only 4 months old. But, when the dog comes into the room, now, my wife isn't nearly as interested in the educational benefits of the action.
My Wife: It's the woof-woof.....It's the woof-woof......Look at the woof-woof.
My Son: Gooooooo....
Now, he can't dress himself. But, his shorts are generally facing the right direction.
However, I feel that this might be a bigger conspiracy. Bigger than the Kennedy assassination. Possibly even bigger than that whole thing, earlier this year, about the body double in the blonde wig who came out on stage while the REAL Hannah Montana was changing her outfit........Don't pretend like you didn't hear about it....We ALL heard about it.....No.....I'm sure YOU were reading Dickens, or something.....Right.
Anyway, I believe there may be a greater effort going on, in order to make boys stupid. According to the latest figures, 57% of college students are female.
Which means, guys, that not only are the women smart, THEY'RE GETTING SMARTER!!!!
In the very near future, we won't even get to live inside the house. They'll just keep us in pens, and only bring us out when they want to reproduce, need something heavy lifted, or see a spider. Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't too long ago that I spent 4 hours of my Saturday, driving around all over the place, looking at thousands of different curtains, and came home without buying ANY OF THEM!!!!! What a waste. I'd have bought the first ones', and gone home. There was a USC game on. Come on, people. Priorities. If I had my own pen, I wouldn't need curtains. Just a little hay in the corner. Sounds good to me.
We probably wouldn't even need to bother learning to speak.
Woman: Who wants to reproduce?.....Who wants to reproduce?....Do you wanna reproduce?
Man: Gooooooo....
Honestly, it doesn't sound so bad.
We also used to show my daughter videos from a series called "Baby Einstein." In these videos, classical music would play while various animals did various things, at various speeds. Then, a hand puppet of some kind (I seem to remember a goat), would pop up on the screen, look around, and stare at you for a long time. Then, there would be more animals, and more classical music, followed by more staring. Truthfully, I found the whole thing to be more than a little creepy.
Me: Are you sure this is okay for her to watch? It seems weird.
My Wife: Shut up, or I'll lock you in your pen.
Me: Gooooooo....
So, we watched.....and watched....and watched...until we could not watch any more. Not because we had gone mad and started killing people, which is what I wanted to do (we NEVER do what I wanna do.) But, because we had seen ALL the "Baby Einstein" videos. My wife was satisfied that my daughter, who was in the corner swallowing pennies, was a genius ready to take her place among our new female masters.
The last thing my son watched?
Well, the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie was on a few weeks ago. We watched part of that together. I think he sort of laughed. I was very proud.
So, you women can go to college, and get all your fancy book learnin'. I'm gonna stay in my pen, and watch TV.
Call me when it's time to reproduce.
Casey
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU AREN'T READING THIS ON SUNDAY. IF YOU'RE READING THIS ON SUNDAY, THEN YOU MISSED MY ROLLER DERBY DEBUT!!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!! I'VE NEVER MISSED ANYTHING OF YOURS!!!! BUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS AND THE GOTHAM CITY GIRLS. I'LL BE THERE, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. TRICIA WILL BE THE REAL ANNOUNCER. I'LL JUST BE SITTING THERE, SAYING STUPID THINGS, AND TRYING TO AVOID GETTING HIT. BUT, THERE WILL BE FUN, AND MUSIC, AND A GOOD TIME WILL BE HAD BY ALL. IT ALL STARTS AT 7PM. COME BY, AND SAY HI.
When my daughter was born, my orders were very specific. "Don't talk to her like she's a baby. She'll be smarter, and develop a better vocabulary."
I had to use specific definitions of words, so that she would not only know WHAT I was talking about, but would also understand what it WAS that I was talking about, while she was spitting up all over herself. So, if the dog came into the room, I couldn't just say it was the dog. I had to be descriptive.
Me: Oh look, honey. It's the highly variable domestic animal, closely related to the Gray Wolf, that we call Lucy.
My Daughter: Gooooooo....
In this way my daughter allegedly became HIGHLY intelligent to the point that, when she went outside the other day, she had her shorts on backwards.
Nice.
There is no such effort being made with my son. It seems a little early, to me, to throw in the towel on the boy. He's only 4 months old. But, when the dog comes into the room, now, my wife isn't nearly as interested in the educational benefits of the action.
My Wife: It's the woof-woof.....It's the woof-woof......Look at the woof-woof.
My Son: Gooooooo....
Now, he can't dress himself. But, his shorts are generally facing the right direction.
However, I feel that this might be a bigger conspiracy. Bigger than the Kennedy assassination. Possibly even bigger than that whole thing, earlier this year, about the body double in the blonde wig who came out on stage while the REAL Hannah Montana was changing her outfit........Don't pretend like you didn't hear about it....We ALL heard about it.....No.....I'm sure YOU were reading Dickens, or something.....Right.
Anyway, I believe there may be a greater effort going on, in order to make boys stupid. According to the latest figures, 57% of college students are female.
Which means, guys, that not only are the women smart, THEY'RE GETTING SMARTER!!!!
In the very near future, we won't even get to live inside the house. They'll just keep us in pens, and only bring us out when they want to reproduce, need something heavy lifted, or see a spider. Which, let's be honest, wouldn't be so bad. It wasn't too long ago that I spent 4 hours of my Saturday, driving around all over the place, looking at thousands of different curtains, and came home without buying ANY OF THEM!!!!! What a waste. I'd have bought the first ones', and gone home. There was a USC game on. Come on, people. Priorities. If I had my own pen, I wouldn't need curtains. Just a little hay in the corner. Sounds good to me.
We probably wouldn't even need to bother learning to speak.
Woman: Who wants to reproduce?.....Who wants to reproduce?....Do you wanna reproduce?
Man: Gooooooo....
Honestly, it doesn't sound so bad.
We also used to show my daughter videos from a series called "Baby Einstein." In these videos, classical music would play while various animals did various things, at various speeds. Then, a hand puppet of some kind (I seem to remember a goat), would pop up on the screen, look around, and stare at you for a long time. Then, there would be more animals, and more classical music, followed by more staring. Truthfully, I found the whole thing to be more than a little creepy.
Me: Are you sure this is okay for her to watch? It seems weird.
My Wife: Shut up, or I'll lock you in your pen.
Me: Gooooooo....
So, we watched.....and watched....and watched...until we could not watch any more. Not because we had gone mad and started killing people, which is what I wanted to do (we NEVER do what I wanna do.) But, because we had seen ALL the "Baby Einstein" videos. My wife was satisfied that my daughter, who was in the corner swallowing pennies, was a genius ready to take her place among our new female masters.
The last thing my son watched?
Well, the "Mystery Science Theater 3000" movie was on a few weeks ago. We watched part of that together. I think he sort of laughed. I was very proud.
So, you women can go to college, and get all your fancy book learnin'. I'm gonna stay in my pen, and watch TV.
Call me when it's time to reproduce.
Casey
IF YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU AREN'T READING THIS ON SUNDAY. IF YOU'RE READING THIS ON SUNDAY, THEN YOU MISSED MY ROLLER DERBY DEBUT!!!! HOW COULD YOU!?!! I'VE NEVER MISSED ANYTHING OF YOURS!!!! BUT, SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20TH, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER, I WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY BOUT BETWEEN THE JERSEY SHORE GIRLS AND THE GOTHAM CITY GIRLS. I'LL BE THERE, ALONG WITH TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. TRICIA WILL BE THE REAL ANNOUNCER. I'LL JUST BE SITTING THERE, SAYING STUPID THINGS, AND TRYING TO AVOID GETTING HIT. BUT, THERE WILL BE FUN, AND MUSIC, AND A GOOD TIME WILL BE HAD BY ALL. IT ALL STARTS AT 7PM. COME BY, AND SAY HI.
What Have You Done For Steven, Today?
I know the economy is bad. I read the paper. At the VERY least, I look at the pictures and see lots of people, with serious looks on their faces. This tells me that SOMETHING bad is going on. 9 times out of 10 the word "economy" is in the headline. Okay, so while I don't ALWAYS read the stories, the pictures make me sad. That should count for something.
But, while you are dressing your children in clothes that are "soooo last season," and putting on your sad faces, on the outside chance that a newspaper photographer is around, I would like you to consider one person.
Steven Spielberg.
That's right, you selfish booger head.
While YOU are busying yourself, trying to figure out how you are going to buy food, or make your next house payment, Steven Spielberg is having some of his own issues. YOU probably didn't even stop to think about how the current crisis was affecting Steven.
How do you sleep at night?
He didn't have to make E.T., or Jaws, or that black-and-white movie about that guy who did all that stuff for those Jewish people. But, he did. And he did it without one single thought for himself.
Now, in this time of economic hardship, Steven needs your help. I think you owe it to him to give it.
You see, Steven, and the other multi-gazillionaires that own Dreamworks, are anxiously awaiting word on a $500 million dollar loan.
They NEED this money. If they don't get it, they are going to be forced to continue their relationship with Paramount Pictures. I shudder to think of what this could mean.
Would the movies change?
Well.....no.
Would there be less movies?
Uhhh.....No, actually. They have to do 6 a year. So, either way, we'd get 6 movies.
Would Steven's movies lose their integrity?
Oh....well.....No. They'd be the same movies he makes now.
Would the Dreamworks logo be followed, on screen, by that big mountain, with the little stars flying around it?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you KNOW what this would mean?
That's right.......Steven would be unhappy.
Do you remember, back in the 80's, when we all gave hundreds of millions of dollars to the Ethiopians, because they were unhappy with God for making them live in Ethiopia?
Nobody batted an eye at that.
Well, this is the same thing.
The only difference is that the money for the Ethiopians went right into the hands of the Ethiopian war lords, and did nothing to improve the lives of the Ethiopians (can you tell that I like saying the word "Ethiopians?"). To my knowledge, Dreamworks HAS no warlords. So, all this money should, God willing, go directly into the hands of Steven Spielberg.
Plus, we won't have to deal with that annoying, freaking, We Are The World song. Though, I can imagine a scenario where a bunch of rich singers get together, and record a song for Steven, to the tune of it.
We Love You Steeeeeve....
We Love Your Movieees....
We Love The One
About The Little Guy
With The Glowing Fingerrrrrrrrrr.......
It would be sad, and we would all buy it, and Steven would probably get his money. But, my ears would bleed. I hate it when my ears bleed.
Now, the problem here is that, in order to get $500 million, they have to get a loan for several hundred million MORE, in order to ensure that they'll be able to pay back the initial $500 million. So, as near as I can tell, they need to borrow $300 million, so that they can get the $500 million, in order to use the $300 million to prove that they will be able to pay back the $500 million, which they won't be able to do UNLESS they get the $300 million, which they need in order to get approved for the $500 million.
Got it?
Good.
Of course, they could just make GOOD movies. Movies that people would want to see. But, this is Hollywood, and Hollywood doesn't worry about making GOOD movies. They just worry about making ANY movies, which is why people like Dane Cook EVER get to make a movie. They don't have to be good. They just have to be....sort of....there.
My point here is this: Steven can't get his loan, and make himself happy, if you don't stop defaulting on YOUR loans, and causing banks to foreclose on YOUR houses. If you wouldn't mind NOT doing that, then there would be plenty of money laying around to make Steven happy.
Take one for the team.....
Get a fifth job.....
Stop buying frivolous things, like gas...
Sell the older children into the sex trade...
Without these sacrifices Steven can't be happy....
When Steven isn't happy, we get things like 1941.....
Or, Hook......
Or, Always.....
Or, Amistad
I don't think ANY of us wants that.
Make Steven happy.
Pay your damn bills.
Casey
DON'T FORGET, OR I WILL KILL YOU, THAT THIS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER I, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY ALONGSIDE TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING, AND STAND A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF BEING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED BY A LOT OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN, IN ROLLER SKATES. DOES IT GET BETTER THAN THAT? THE ACTION STARTS AT 7PM, THIS SATURDAY NIGHT. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.
But, while you are dressing your children in clothes that are "soooo last season," and putting on your sad faces, on the outside chance that a newspaper photographer is around, I would like you to consider one person.
Steven Spielberg.
That's right, you selfish booger head.
While YOU are busying yourself, trying to figure out how you are going to buy food, or make your next house payment, Steven Spielberg is having some of his own issues. YOU probably didn't even stop to think about how the current crisis was affecting Steven.
How do you sleep at night?
He didn't have to make E.T., or Jaws, or that black-and-white movie about that guy who did all that stuff for those Jewish people. But, he did. And he did it without one single thought for himself.
Now, in this time of economic hardship, Steven needs your help. I think you owe it to him to give it.
You see, Steven, and the other multi-gazillionaires that own Dreamworks, are anxiously awaiting word on a $500 million dollar loan.
They NEED this money. If they don't get it, they are going to be forced to continue their relationship with Paramount Pictures. I shudder to think of what this could mean.
Would the movies change?
Well.....no.
Would there be less movies?
Uhhh.....No, actually. They have to do 6 a year. So, either way, we'd get 6 movies.
Would Steven's movies lose their integrity?
Oh....well.....No. They'd be the same movies he makes now.
Would the Dreamworks logo be followed, on screen, by that big mountain, with the little stars flying around it?
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you KNOW what this would mean?
That's right.......Steven would be unhappy.
Do you remember, back in the 80's, when we all gave hundreds of millions of dollars to the Ethiopians, because they were unhappy with God for making them live in Ethiopia?
Nobody batted an eye at that.
Well, this is the same thing.
The only difference is that the money for the Ethiopians went right into the hands of the Ethiopian war lords, and did nothing to improve the lives of the Ethiopians (can you tell that I like saying the word "Ethiopians?"). To my knowledge, Dreamworks HAS no warlords. So, all this money should, God willing, go directly into the hands of Steven Spielberg.
Plus, we won't have to deal with that annoying, freaking, We Are The World song. Though, I can imagine a scenario where a bunch of rich singers get together, and record a song for Steven, to the tune of it.
We Love You Steeeeeve....
We Love Your Movieees....
We Love The One
About The Little Guy
With The Glowing Fingerrrrrrrrrr.......
It would be sad, and we would all buy it, and Steven would probably get his money. But, my ears would bleed. I hate it when my ears bleed.
Now, the problem here is that, in order to get $500 million, they have to get a loan for several hundred million MORE, in order to ensure that they'll be able to pay back the initial $500 million. So, as near as I can tell, they need to borrow $300 million, so that they can get the $500 million, in order to use the $300 million to prove that they will be able to pay back the $500 million, which they won't be able to do UNLESS they get the $300 million, which they need in order to get approved for the $500 million.
Got it?
Good.
Of course, they could just make GOOD movies. Movies that people would want to see. But, this is Hollywood, and Hollywood doesn't worry about making GOOD movies. They just worry about making ANY movies, which is why people like Dane Cook EVER get to make a movie. They don't have to be good. They just have to be....sort of....there.
My point here is this: Steven can't get his loan, and make himself happy, if you don't stop defaulting on YOUR loans, and causing banks to foreclose on YOUR houses. If you wouldn't mind NOT doing that, then there would be plenty of money laying around to make Steven happy.
Take one for the team.....
Get a fifth job.....
Stop buying frivolous things, like gas...
Sell the older children into the sex trade...
Without these sacrifices Steven can't be happy....
When Steven isn't happy, we get things like 1941.....
Or, Hook......
Or, Always.....
Or, Amistad
I don't think ANY of us wants that.
Make Steven happy.
Pay your damn bills.
Casey
DON'T FORGET, OR I WILL KILL YOU, THAT THIS SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, AT THE ASBURY PARK CONVENTION CENTER I, CASEY "WOLFMAN SMACK" BARTHOLOMEW, WILL BE ANNOUNCING THE ROLLER DERBY ALONGSIDE TRICIA LA'VICIOUS. IT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN, ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING, AND STAND A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF BEING BOTH PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED BY A LOT OF VERY ATTRACTIVE WOMEN, IN ROLLER SKATES. DOES IT GET BETTER THAN THAT? THE ACTION STARTS AT 7PM, THIS SATURDAY NIGHT. HOPE TO SEE YOU THERE.
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